lovesflame Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 Hello, My girlfriend/partner(27) and I (33) have been together since last November. When the quarantine started she moved in with me and my daughter in April. We have the best relationship of my lifetime: we shared laughs, love, inside jokes, friendship, energy, lots of times being there for each other, healing together, etc. We did counseling for a while to strengthen our communication and because she was very concerned when I saw an ex on her missed call list and accused her of lying about it to me. We showed each other love and spoke about our feelings almost daily. She suggested perhaps it was better to get her own place as we may have moved in too quickly. and that having her own space would make us stronger together. This weekend she told me she wanted to stop some of our "babe" talk type of things that we do and I asked her what was really wrong and she broke up with me. She told me the passion was gone and that she felt like she's a bad partner and that she just wants to be strong on her own and stop feeding off me and be independent and strong. Told me she doesn't want to do this anymore. She went to sleep at her moms. The next day she came over to talk with me about things I said there's been lots of pressures on us and that we don't need to break up we can be together but take a break. She agreed. we went on a date and we kissed and acted pretty much the same. Yesterday, she came over to make me dinner. she was gathering some of her things. she was still calling me "babe," and kissing me. I told her "I sure am glad we decided not to break up and to just take a break." she replied, "to be clear we are revaluating in 30 days not guaranteeing what will happen." Later, I told her my feelings like therapy and what I needed in the relationship. Instead she replied she was not really wanting to be in a relationship at this time. I asked her what's wrong and she went on to tell me of literally every single event I did that she did not like in the relationship and me being anxious and not confidant and needing reassurance etc. Basically, what can I do now? I want to make this work. she says I am still her best friend and she loves me. but just needs the time of no contact to see if she misses me. I think she may come over again this week . Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 I am sorry but it is over. You managed to bulldoze/persuade her into saying it was just a break, but its not. 4 minutes ago, lovesflame said: she went on to tell me of literally every single event I did that she did not like in the relationship This is what women often do, they keep score until they realise they can't be in the relationship any more... the bad outweighs the good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 will the 30 day break help anything? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 My guess it will just harden her resolve to break up. What were some of the things she didn't like about you? Any room for manoeuvre? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 She said I needed lots of reassurance, she felt like it was never enough, that I was anxious, and concerned about her leaving me. I was concerned once she started talking about getting her own place. She said she didn't like how I called when she was out late at night and that I stayed up waiting for her. Said she didn't want to tuck me in. She says I am her best friend and such. Said that I turned her off when I accused her of calling her ex (this happened back in June) and it never was the same that her passion was never the same after that. I have a main question: was it a bad mistake of me to ask her last night what was wrong? I approached her like you do in counsleing- I told her my attachement fear and what I needed. Then I asked her to do the same but she told me basically all the ways I needed to change. Mainly it was these things and saying I was unhealthy. Although I've been there for her during depressions. and crying fits etc. I actually see a therapist and I go to do meditation. it's just I got very ill with COVID and that's made things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 1 hour ago, lovesflame said: Said that I turned her off when I accused her of calling her ex (this happened back in June) and it never was the same that her passion was never the same after that. Is it possible she is still hung up on her ex? when did they split up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 15, 2020 Author Share Posted December 15, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Is it possible she is still hung up on her ex? when did they split up? No not at all. They broke up two years ago and were not that close. He called on her birthday and she never answered. I just saw the notification and I thought it was in the call logs while she was calling but it was really in missed calls. I made a mistake and said are you lying to me? don't gaslight me. This offended her for months. she said it was disgusting insecure behavior that was a red flag and turned her off, but I thought we discussed it all over in therapy. Edited December 15, 2020 by lovesflame Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 On 12/15/2020 at 6:19 PM, lovesflame said: have a main question: was it a bad mistake of me to ask her last night what was wrong? I approached her like you do in counsleing- I told her my attachement fear and what I needed. Then I asked her to do the same but she told me basically all the ways I needed to change. Mainly it was these things and saying I was unhealthy. She is not your counselor, though, and that's part of the problem. This is an awful lot of pressure for a fairly young relationship. I'm getting the sense that she feels like your emotional caretaker rather than a true partner. We all have needs, of course, but it sounds like she felt you didn't know how to manage your own anxiety without constantly seeking reassurance from her. And you did it again when you said this: "I sure am glad we decided not to break up and to just take a break." That was you again wanting her to reassure you. She doesn't want to take a break, man. She wants to break up. Trying to talk her into staying or just taking 30 days apart isn't going to work, because she's not there for the right reasons. She's there to appease you but it's unfortunately pretty clear that it's not genuinely what she wants 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 On 12/15/2020 at 11:47 AM, lovesflame said: She suggested perhaps it was better to get her own place as we . Told me she doesn't want to do this anymore. She went to sleep at her moms. she replied she was not really wanting to be in a relationship at this time. Sorry this is happening. She has a point that it's too much too soon and moving out is a better idea Did she move all her stuff out? What was on her litany of complaints? It's important to know what the reasons for the breakup are if you hope to reconcile. Give her a lot of space. Don't smother . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 Hi, she has not really got many of her things but is getting it little by little. Yesterday, we talked in-person as she was getting a few more things, and I told her how some insights I have had alone. I couldn't see these when we were so wrapped up. I don't want to feel like I have to take care of her and that we should've taken space, but we couldn't because I had COVID and was very sick and her mom didn't want her over and neither did my parents want me over. I told her I want to have a more independent relationship. I said we need some alone time and come back stronger in 30 days. she told me we will see. Then we talked in bed for a while. On her list of complaints was mainly just me getting anxious when she was gone late at night, also the time I was upset over her ex calling and thought she was lying which was like six months ago. (which I mentioned in the original post) I think the main reason is she is a person who desires solitude at times and with me and her always on top of each other that didn't give the space she said it smothered the passion out. later last night, she text me how she appreciates me and everything I have done and do for her. Wrote me to have a good day today. I can only wait and see I suppose. I don't feel like totally terrible for some reason Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 You dated for only 5 months then she moved in. It was much too soon and it killed it. Once you move in with someone there is no more mystery in the air. The moving in cut the honeymoon phase short. You went from anticipating the next date and night together to washing each other's undies. There is no break in a relationship, only breakups in disguise. Your only chance is to not contact her at all after she's moved out. She needs to wonder about you but honestly her excuses for wanting a break, things you've said 6 months ago, and questionning her ex phone call, those are no reasons a woman in love would use to leave her man. She's just not feeling anymore. Let her go. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You dated for only 5 months then she moved in. It was much too soon and it killed it. Once you move in with someone there is no more mystery in the air. The moving in cut the honeymoon phase short. You went from anticipating the next date and night together to washing each other's undies. Yes, I wish we didn't have to move in but her house was robbed and she lost her job for a few weeks during COVID and she had stayed over every night for over a month so we just said ok let's move in. What I want to see is if we can just start over and keep dating. She was saying this for months but never moved out because of COVID and everything and she wasn't able to go to her mom's until recently they weren't speaking. She told me after I questioned and told her she was lying about the Ex that her feeling were never as strong and never the same. I really hope this works out because truly she was a wonderful partner and I was always there for her as she would cry all night or go through things and I believe in her. Also, she's a great friend and person to talk to. I thought she was the one we were talking about marriage and got matching finger tats and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 Hard to go back. Honestly, you are likely done. Even if you aren't it won't be the same and you will likely break up again. All you are doing is prolonging the pain. Rip the bandaid off. Break up with her. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 i've done this dance before. girl wants to move out, wants to have her own place, convinces you it will be good for the relationship. then a few days later she's telling you it's over. that's why she got her own place, she's already decided this is done. saying it is "a break" doesn't change it from being a breakup. that's what a break is, it's just this thing people say because they don't like to hurt people. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 54 minutes ago, flitzanu said: that's why she got her own place, she's already decided this is done. saying it is "a break" doesn't change it from being a breakup. that's what a break is, it's just this thing people say because they don't like to hurt people. yea she hasn't actually got her own place just went to her mom's. I am just happy we went from her breaking up to her saying in thirty days we will reevaluate. At least we had a nice time together yesterday. honestly, i haven't really went on a break before but my relationship counselor said it could help us be stronger. I only can just focus on being me for now. I think I could provide more background, it was like a few weeks ago she was constantly crying saying that she just felt she was a terrible partner because she had not had money for a month or two due to having to quarantine from work. Also, she said how can I be there for you when I can't even be there for myself." I would be there for her just holding her and telling her I accepted her how she was. Then she spent like an entire week off and stayed sitting in her car until like 11pm each night at the park and I got anxious because I felt something was wrong. she told me she didn't like me waiting up for her. Even though she came home and made passionate love to me one of the days- this was literally last week. Then on the weekend we are just hanging out like normal and all of this comes out. Now, she's just acting like things are good and we will see what happens" after the 30 days. I mean I am in a better spot then I was three days ago. I seriously think if she wants me she will return and if not I can't feel bad about myself because in this relatioship I wasa honest, caring and great partner and we shared lots of love. She always told me I was a special person and loved me and appreciated me and I was there for her too. I am pretty shocked with this to be honest because I thought we could talk it out. I do think having separate places is the best regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, lovesflame said: Then she spent like an entire week off and stayed sitting in her car until like 11pm each night at the park and I got anxious because I felt something was wrong. she told me she didn't like me waiting up for her. Even though she came home and made passionate love to me one of the days- this was literally last week. What was she doing in car until 11pm? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 17, 2020 Author Share Posted December 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What was she doing in car until 11pm? she had her zoom call until like 9 and then she would just sit there on her phone. She told me she was trying her best to just get some space. That's all she really wanted. She said me being anxious about her being gone was really unattractive. I really just was like of I thought we were going to cuddle. she said she didn't want to have to 'tuck me in.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 24, 2020 Author Share Posted December 24, 2020 well, since last time I posted, she came over almost every day for a week. She got her things, but also just hung out with me. We took naps together each day, and cuddled; also, we were kissing. overall, we talked and I found out what her concerns truly were and I calmly and open-heartedly told her about how I felt. She told me how much she appreciates me and loves me. She insists she needs 30 days to see if she misses me and wants to reevaluate if we stay together. Her concerns were basically that she wants to feel free, interdepenent, not dependent on me for everything, wants to be able to have more space and boundaries, etc. I told her just like we were this week having fun, being close and not pressuring each other. But she told me she doesn't know if I truly changed or if I am just doing it for this one week. Either way, the 30 day break has begun. I wish for the best Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 24 minutes ago, lovesflame said: the 30 day break has begun. I wish for the best What does this break entail, exactly? Strict No Contact, or? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Voivoda Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 Based on her answer I think she was saying that you were acting way too needy and you were smothering her too much. She feels obligated to to let you know that she loves you instead of letting her show it to you at her own pace. Let her come to you at her own pace and you'll be fine and act less controlling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 27, 2020 Author Share Posted December 27, 2020 Thank you both for writing. Well, basically it was supposedly to be NC however, she has texted or called me every single day since then. Whether to say merry christmas or to ask about a recipe or to send memes or to tell me the present she got for my daughter is on the way. So, I am not sure what to make of that. I am pleasant and humorous in my replies. I think I want to let her come at her own pace as you are saying VoiVoda, I am not having trouble controllng myself for that. I want to be honest with everyone, I never wanted to smother or get so needy I truly felt like out of control being locked in the house and the room, I was so anxious every single day. I just liked cuddling her to relax. She was over the top loving to me all the time like kissing me 100s of times in one day. I don't even want a smothering relationship I am glad she moved out but I was so sick and so scared and she got super depressed. It was a tough time especially with my daughter as well. I hope she can see it wasn't a bad year together- only one major fight, lots of conversation, great connection and laughs. I appreciate this forum so much because some nights the pain is almost unbearable Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 27, 2020 Share Posted December 27, 2020 2 hours ago, lovesflame said: Thank you both for writing. Well, basically it was supposedly to be NC however, she has texted or called me every single day since then. Whether to say merry christmas or to ask about a recipe or to send memes or to tell me the present she got for my daughter is on the way. What is the break for, if she's in touch every day? She's not making a lot of sense here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 28, 2020 Author Share Posted December 28, 2020 yes, thank you ExpatinItaly. I am highly confused. Today when she contacted me I decided "ok I will actually engage in a conversation and see what happens." she went on and on talking to me about so many things of the day joking around and acting like everything is fine. via text I don't really know. I am telling you- I don't feel like there's a reason for us to break up, yes I had some insecurities and I was scared to lose her at times (I had a diagnosed narcassit ex about two years ago) and I am not perfect. But it was the best relationship of my life. We are seriously like best friends still. what do you think I can do? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Breaks are BS. They don't bring people closer. They teach the person who wants out that they can, in fact, live without the other person. Her moving out because you moved in too quickly isn't a death knell as long as you are in regular contact & you continue dating conventionally. Not talking & taking "time off" is going to make things worse. You fix a relationship by communicating & working TOGETHER to repair what's wrong. You are either a team or your are broken up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesflame Posted December 28, 2020 Author Share Posted December 28, 2020 Yes, we are still talking daily, and she will be over for gift exchange soon. I also will have dinner with her soon. I am sure. Isn't this pretty confusing behavior? I am willing to deal with it because I really think it's worth working out. I think a break was because she is truly unsure of her rash decision- all she wanted was to move out I believe. I wish I was more understanding about her wanting to get an apartment again,and it didn't come to this. But I think I am proving to her that I am not as needy nor clingy or obsessed as she thought. The situation wasn't working in our small place and she needs more alone time than I ever was aware. I am pretty confused Link to post Share on other sites
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