disappointed and relieved at the same time

[hokage240sx]

I have a question about what makes girls feel invested in relationships. I wonder this because maybe im feeling a little more invested, due to me paying for most of the dates.

When girls get dolled up for a date, is that a form of emotional investment?

What are other forms, btw ive been dating this girl for a few months.

Also the other day she randomly said she was going to buy me scented candles she likes for my room this week. But seems like a empty promise, because I havent got it, should I try to keep her accountable?

lol I know its petty, but I feel like I am investing a lot and would like some reciprocation.

and im ok with paying for the dates, I expect too since I am doing the inviting. looooooool

[LivingWaterPlease]

Not sure about other women but I do tend to get more dolled up for guys I'm interested in. My sister, though, gets dolled up all the time, changing outfits several times a day. I'm more ordinary in my dressing habits. Usually wear the same thing all day long unless I'm changing activities. All that to say that women are different than each other in the way they behave.

Her saying about the candles is a positive sign if she's an honest person. Even though she hasn't bought them. If she was just saying it without intending to follow through, though, she's quite manipulative. But, who knows if she intended to follow through or not?

I wouldn't say anything about the candles.

What I would notice, however, is, "What does she invest in the relationship?" This could be a matter of leaving work or an event early to be with you, or doing something that is even a little personally sacrificial. Doesn't have to be about money. Just giving something up to be with you or to do something for you. Such as cook for you. Run an errand, anything at all. That's what I'd pay attention to in order to gauge her interest in her aside from her words.

Edited December 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

First and foremost if she was emotionally invested, she would be exclusive with you.    She would be initiating dates.  For that matter, she'd be initiating contact in general.   You would know without a doubt she was looking forward to seeing you.  She makes time in her calendar to see you.  

Buying a candle is not emotional investment.  Getting dressed up is not emotional investment.    And you paying for dates is more of a financial investment than an emotional one.   Anyway, you're not sure of her level of interest, find out how she feels before you put good money after bad.

[hokage240sx]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Not sure about other women but I do tend to get more dolled up for guys I'm interested in. My sister, though, gets dolled up all the time, changing outfits several times a day. I'm more ordinary in my dressing habits. Usually wear the same thing all day long unless I'm changing activities. All that to say that women are different than each other in the way they behave.

Her saying about the candles is a positive sign if she's an honest person. Even though she hasn't bought them. If she was just saying it without intending to follow through, she's quite manipulative. But, who knows if she intended to follow through or not.

I wouldn't say anything about the candles.

What I would notice, however, is, "What does she invest in the relationship?" This could be a matter of leaving work or an event early to be with you, or doing something that is even a little personally sacrificial. Doesn't have to be about money. Just giving something up to be with you or to do something for you. Such as cook for you. Run an errand, anything at all. That's what I'd pay attention to in order to gauge her interest in her aside from her words.

recently I see she definetly puts effort on looking nice when she goes out with me. 

the thing about the candles thing is she mentioned it randomly on day. So im like that sounds awesome I would love that, when are you gonna get them? she said o ill get them on (last Friday). im look ok cool. So on Saturday when I see her I ask her, she tells me due to the holiday shopping the line was huge (she works at a mall) and she said that her lunch break wasn't long enough to get them. She said that she would try again during the week and bring me them this upcoming Friday.

now I don't want her to get into the habit of promising me things she's not gonna keep, that is manipulative. thats why before we hang out on Friday I kinda wanna do a little jab and say " don't forget my candle this time ;)". that way if she brings me it I can feel like she is contributing. 

what do you think?

as for the things she is investing I wouldnt know? I I see her usually prescheduled a few days in advance, that doesn't really sound invconvient for her. in person she seems very interested, but I guess I would like her to be more invested. if I could think of little favors to ask I would like to try every now and then. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

recently I see she definetly puts effort on looking nice when she goes out with me. 

the thing about the candles thing is she mentioned it randomly on day. So im like that sounds awesome I would love that, when are you gonna get them? she said o ill get them on (last Friday). im look ok cool. So on Saturday when I see her I ask her, she tells me due to the holiday shopping the line was huge (she works at a mall) and she said that her lunch break wasn't long enough to get them. She said that she would try again during the week and bring me them this upcoming Friday.

now I don't want her to get into the habit of promising me things she's not gonna keep, that is manipulative. thats why before we hang out on Friday I kinda wanna do a little jab and say " don't forget my candle this time ;)". that way if she brings me it I can feel like she is contributing. 

what do you think?

as for the things she is investing I wouldnt know? I I see her usually prescheduled a few days in advance, that doesn't really sound invconvient for her. in person she seems very interested, but I guess I would like her to be more invested. if I could think of little favors to ask I would like to try every now and then. 

No, don't mention the candle again. Don't ask for favors, either.

Just, as basil said, don't invest a lot of money in her at this point. Wait for her to show investment. Don't push her or you'll lose her, whether she's a good woman or not.

Relax. Just wait and see what happens without spending a lot on her yet.

Edited December 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[hokage240sx]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

First and foremost if she was emotionally invested, she would be exclusive with you.    She would be initiating dates.  For that matter, she'd be initiating contact in general.   You would know without a doubt she was looking forward to seeing you.  She makes time in her calendar to see you.  

Buying a candle is not emotional investment.  Getting dressed up is not emotional investment.    And you paying for dates is more of a financial investment than an emotional one.   Anyway, you're not sure of her level of interest, find out how she feels before you put good money after bad.

well she said she is exclusive with me...but those are just words? we don't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. now I do see her atleast once a week, maybe twice, we have a great time, lots of touching, teasing, kissing. 

she is one of those girls that expects me to initiate everything. once I do she is happy to reciprocate. which im Kinda tired off, but isn't a big deal. 

mm by your definition should would not be at all then...man this stuff is confusing. lol

[hokage240sx]

2 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

No, don't mention the candle again. Don't ask for favors, either.

Just, as basil said, don't invest a lot of money in her at this point. Wait for her to show investment. Don't push her or you'll lose her, whether she's a good woman or not.

Relax. Just wait and see what happens without spending a lot on her yet.

ok I won't ask again. 

well just going out on dates, theres gas, there food..ect that adds up after a while. 

and she expects me to initiate all contact, which is ok for me. now in person I see sexual attraction and closeness. I guess I just wanted a clear indicator. o well. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

well she said she is exclusive with me...but those are just words? we don't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. now I do see her atleast once a week, maybe twice, we have a great time, lots of touching, teasing, kissing. 

 

What she said are words, yes.  Those words combined with "touching, kissing, teasing" and having a great time, mean something.  

Why don't you see each other more frequently?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sexual attraction and closeness is a good indication.

Yes, there's gas and food. Maybe try to do some things that don't cost as much and see if she's down for that. Such as hiking, riding bikes, or something. Also go to low cost places to eat if you go out a lot. Or plan a picnic. There are ways to date without spending a lot. But, it can add up if you're not careful.

How old are you? No offense. But, if you're in school and working to get through it seems to me you shouldn't be expected to spend much at all.

I used to pay for all the dates with my exH because we were in school and I had more money than he did. When we got out of school he worked and I didn't.

Edited December 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

and she expects me to initiate all contact

Even after a few months of dating?  Sounds like an entitled princess type.   

Be careful. 

[basil67]

@LivingWaterPlease raises a good point.  Are you earning a great deal more than she is?  

[hokage240sx]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

What she said are words, yes.  Those words combined with "touching, kissing, teasing" and having a great time, mean something.  

Why don't you see each other more frequently?

mmm I always ask over text a few days after date when are you free? then usually says Friday, and then the process repeats its self. 

I just started a new strategy where after each date in person, I ask to hang out like a few days later, worked for me last week we hung out twice. if she doesn't like the day I picked she will usually tell me the day she is free. I just don't want to start trying to pressure her into hanging out more. she seems to usually just want to see me on Fridays or whatever day she is off could be a wensday for example. 

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Sexual attraction and closeness is a good indication.

Yes, there's gas and food. Maybe try to do some things that don't cost as much and see if she's down for that. Such as hiking, riding bikes, or something. Also go to low cost places to eat if you go out a lot. Or plan a picnic. There are ways to date without spending a lot. But, it can add up if you're not careful.

How old are you? No offense. But, if you're in school and working to get through it seems to me you shouldn't be expected to spend much at all.

I used to pay for all the dates with my exH because we were in school and I had more money than he did. When we got out of school he worked and I didn't.

yea ill work on planning out cheaper dates. the dinners are adding up haha. 

im 28, she is the one thats in school and working she's 20. 

Just now, basil67 said:

Even after a few months of dating?  Sounds like an entitled princess type.   

Be careful. 

yea I know, she seems to have a traditional woman mentality

[hokage240sx]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@LivingWaterPlease raises a good point.  Are you earning a great deal more than she is?  

she only works part time and is a student. she's 20 im 28. I have more money than her. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by hokage240sx

[basil67]

Thanks for the clarification. Given the financial differences, I'm more understanding about you paying more.   

However, the rest is just nuts.   Traditional to me is about the guy reaching out in the start.   But if she's still not reaching out a few months in, I'm still more inclined to say that she's being a princess.   Do you hold to her conservative dating views?  Or are you more progressive?   If I was a guy, I can't imagine hanging on this long waiting for a woman to pull a bit of her own weight.

Do you think she's otherwise awesome enough to make up for the entitlement factor?

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

20 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

she only works part time and is a student. she's 20 im 28. I have more money than her. 

To me, it's not wise for a person your age to spend lots of money on dates whether both parties are crazy about each other or not. Didn't say no money at all, just said lots of money, which is relative to your own perspective. That's a personal view, though. Not everyone may see things that way. I do think having a nice dinner once in a while (according to your budget, though) is great. I think you mentioned earlier you're going to back off of spending so much.

Now that you said she's 20 to your 28 and she works part time and is a student, I wouldn't expect much from her financially unless she has access to a lot of family money. Even then, due to the fact you're out of school and she's a student I wouldn't expect much contribution financially from her. Also since she works part time plus goes to school, she may not have time to do much else for you. That changes things for me.

When I dated my exH he was very poor. Because of this I always paid for our dates and thought nothing of the fact that he didn't contribute at all even though I worked and was in school, too. It's not about the money for me. Now if I date a guy with no money I don't mind if we go on freebie dates. But I would be glad to pay now, too, if the guy has little or no money. But, when I date men who are very wealthy they always pay because I am not very wealthy and money just isn't an issue for them. I do buy them birthday and holiday gifts though, and cook for them. But, I have the time to do it.

I actually have dated a couple of guys who like to split meals to save money and I'm fine to do that, too. It's about companionship for me, not money.

In your place I'd just be wise with my spending, because you want to save for your future, but don't be concerned with her contributing because of her situation in life compared to yours. From all you've written, it seems to me she really likes you.

Honestly, if I offered to get a guy a candle and he asked me when he would get it, it might be off putting. Then if he asked me about it again, as you did with her, on another day, that would seem a little unusual and I'd notice it. The fact that she has continued to see you after you forced the issue with her seems to me to mean she really likes you and is overlooking you being a little pushy.

Just give to her of your time, and take her on some dates that don't cost a lot. Maybe chill out a bit until she gets through school and just be kind and supportive to her. To me, it seems as if she's into you and hanging with you even though you might be a little overbearing. That's just me, though, I'm kind of sensitive to my space and somewhat independent. Everyone is different and it wouldn't bother many other women, I'd think.

Edited December 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[hokage240sx]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Thanks for the clarification. Given the financial differences, I'm more understanding about you paying more.   

However, the rest is just nuts.   Traditional to me is about the guy reaching out in the start.   But if she's still not reaching out a few months in, I'm still more inclined to say that she's being a princess.   Do you hold to her conservative dating views?  Or are you more progressive?   If I was a guy, I can't imagine hanging on this long waiting for a woman to pull a bit of her own weight.

Do you think she's otherwise awesome enough to make up for the entitlement factor?

 

well im very progressive, lol I love texting and calling even if im busy. she says she tries to stay off her phone. I have always been very sexually open, and have had multiple partners. she is not very easy when it comes to sex, she actually lost her virginity too me. not a good experience btw, it was painful too her. I wish I maybe got her more lubricated. if I could go back in time and make it better I would. And as for contact after all this time, its always got to me to make first contact. also I always have to make the plans on what we do or where we eat basically, also I have made all the first moves. look. Well I don't know much about how normal relationships go I got out of a 13 year relationship. so I don't know if this is normal, maybe some people take longer to pull their own weight? I definetly like her, but I don't know what the heck is going on with all this... and if I start to talk about all this stuff, im sure it will get uncomfortable. and that I am putting pressure or rushing things, ect... I don't even know anymore lol 

[basil67]

@hokage240sx I just looked in your history for context.  You've been having doubts about this girl for a long time, but one of your posts  "Girl Not Meeting My Needs" really sums it up.

Wanting to see someone you've been dating for three months twice a week is perfectly normal.   All your anxiety is being cause by you twisting yourself into knots to please someone who's currently too scared to be in a relationship.  I promise you, when you find a woman who wants a relationship in the same way you do, your anxiety issues will settle right down.

I dare say that in time, she'll figure out that the guys who give her what she wants (just one day a week and lots of space) aren't all that into her and likely won't be exclusive with her.   

[basil67]

Ha, we cross posted.  I will also add that you shouldn't talk to her about this.   You know how she feels, now your job is to see if what she wants matches what you want.   If it doesn't, just end it citing that the two of you are incompatible in terms of what you want from a relationship.

[hokage240sx]

6 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

To me, it's not wise for a person your age to spend lots of money on dates whether both parties are crazy about each other or not. Didn't say no money at all, just said lots of money, which is relative to your own perspective. That's a personal view, though. Not everyone may see things that way. I do think having a nice dinner once in a while (according to your budget, though) is great. I think you mentioned earlier you're going to back off of spending so much.

Now that you said she's 20 to your 28 and she works part time and is a student, I wouldn't expect much from her financially unless she has access to a lot of family money. Even then, due to the fact you're out of school and she's a student I wouldn't expect much contribution financially from her. Also since she works part time plus goes to school, she may not have time to do much else for you. That changes things for me.

When I dated my exH he was very poor. Because of this I always paid for our dates and thought nothing of the fact that he didn't contribute at all even though I worked and was in school, too. It's not about the money for me. Now if I date a guy with no money I don't mind if we go on freebie dates. But I would be glad to pay now, too, if the guy has little or no money. But, when I date men who are very wealthy they always pay because I am not very wealthy and money just isn't an issue for them. I do buy them birthday and holiday gifts though, and cook for them. But, I have the time to do it.

I actually have dated a couple of guys who like to split meals to save money and I'm fine to do that, too. It's about companionship for me, not money.

In your place I'd just be wise with my spending, because you want to save for your future, but don't be concerned with her contributing because of her situation in life compared to hers. From all you've written, it seems to me she really likes you.

Honestly, if I offered to get a guy a candle and he asked me when he would get it, it might be off putting. Then if he asked me about it again, as you did with her, on another day, that would seem a little unusual and I'd notice it. The fact that she has continued to see you after you forced the issue with her seems to me to mean she really likes you and is overlooking you being a little pushy.

Just give to her of your time, and take her on some dates that don't cost a lot. Maybe chill out a bit until she gets through school and just be kind and supportive to her. To me, it seems as if she's into you and hanging with you even though you might be a little overbearing. That's just me, though, I'm kind of sensitive to my space and somewhat independent. Everyone is different and it wouldn't bother many other women, I'd think.

thats a good evaluation, yea I have been pushy and overbearing. im glad to hear that you believe she has overlooked these things because she likes me. yea im having trouble being more patient, im the type of person that wants things when I want them, but im working on that part of myself. she is very independent and wants her space also. 

[hokage240sx]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@hokage240sx I just looked in your history for context.  You've been having doubts about this girl for a long time, but one of your posts  "Girl Not Meeting My Needs" really sums it up.

Wanting to see someone you've been dating for three months twice a week is perfectly normal.   All your anxiety is being cause by you twisting yourself into knots to please someone who's currently too scared to be in a relationship.  I promise you, when you find a woman who wants a relationship in the same way you do, your anxiety issues will settle right down.

I dare say that in time, she'll figure out that the guys who give her what she wants (just one day a week and lots of space) aren't all that into her and likely won't be exclusive with her.   

well things have gotten a lot better these days between me and her. my anxiety has gone away. at this point things are progressing at a very slow rate. honestly someone that you only see once a week, defiantly has time to see lots of other women. which at this time im trying not too do, im trying to give just one at a time a shot. but it doesn't make too much sense. 

 

Just now, basil67 said:

Ha, we cross posted.  I will also add that you shouldn't talk to her about this.   You know how she feels, now your job is to see if what she wants matches what you want.   If it doesn't, just end it citing that the two of you are incompatible in terms of what you want from a relationship.

yea I won't talk to her about stuff like this. ive tried to be open about feelings like this in the past. and it just ends up putting a lot of pressure, and then the person pulls away. what im doing now is just setting dates at the end of dates and seeing if we see each other more. I tried if for the first time last week and we ended up seeing each other twice that week for the first time. so ill just keep that up. all our contact is in person contact. no real phone contact other that confirming dates. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

thats a good evaluation, yea I have been pushy and overbearing. im glad to hear that you believe she has overlooked these things because she likes me. yea im having trouble being more patient, im the type of person that wants things when I want them, but im working on that part of myself. she is very independent and wants her space also. 

basil brought up a good point, though, about her only spending one night a week with you. I don't know what to say about that. Everyone is different. When I really like a guy I want to be with him a lot. A lot of people would consider me conservative and I never contact a guy I'm dating until we are very serious, even then he does most of the contacting. But, I sure respond VERY enthusiastically even though I'm independent. I might be confusing some people without meaning to, lol! Most of us think we're the normal one in a R! Ha!

Give it some time. And at some point I'd talk with her about the spending time together issue. Scratch that out. I just noticed you posted you've already talked with her about it. You need more from a R than that. If she doesn't progress to giving you more this may not be the girl for you.

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[hokage240sx]

8 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

basil brought up a good point, though, about her only spending one night a week with you. I don't know what to say about that. Everyone is different. When I really like a guy I want to be with him a lot. A lot of people would consider me conservative and I never contact a guy I'm dating until we are very serious, even then he does most of the contacting. But, I sure respond VERY enthusiastically even though I'm independent. I might be confusing some people without meaning to, lol! Most of us think we're the normal one in a R! Ha!

Give it some time. And at some point I'd talk with her about the spending time together issue. Scratch that out. I just noticed you posted you've already talked with her about it. You need more from a R than that. If she doesn't progress to giving you more this may not be the girl for you.

 

Well I havent had a had a talk with her about the spending more time together. through her actions and previous words, she is really focused on school and work and her life, so I don't want to feel like im overburdening her. especially since we aren't "official". some people say that I should give it more time 3 months is too short, I don't know. I can be a pretty codependent person, so being patient doesn't feel natural too me. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 minute ago, hokage240sx said:

Well I havent had a had a talk with her about the spending more time together. through her actions and previous words, she is really focused on school and work and her life, so I don't want to feel like im overburdening her. especially since we aren't "official". some people say that I should give it more time 3 months is too short, I don't know. I can be a pretty codependent person, so being patient doesn't feel natural too me. 

Well, if she's conservative and gave up her virginity to you, to me that says a lot. But, my concern for you and for her both is that she just may not enjoy time with a man as much as you enjoy time with a woman. IOW she may not want much togetherness with anyone at all no matter how much she likes him. Not saying that's the case. I'm the type who wants to be together as much as possible if I really care about a guy. People just have different relationship needs.

You may feel comfortable talking with her about it a few more months down the road. I don't know. For me, it's always been a mutual thing but I was crazy about a guy who wasn't giving me much time and I broke off the R because of it. I just knew I needed stuff he wasn't going to give me and I would rather someone be enthused about being with me rather than to have to ask them for it. But, then, things may change when she gets out of school. How long until she's out of school?

[hokage240sx]

Just now, LivingWaterPlease said:

Well, if she's conservative and gave up her virginity to you, to me that says a lot. But, my concern for you and for her both is that she just may not enjoy time with a man as much as you enjoy time with a woman. IOW she may not want much togetherness with anyone at all no matter how much she likes him. Not saying that's the case. I'm the type who wants to be together as much as possible if I really care about a guy. People just have different relationship needs.

You may feel comfortable talking with her about it a few more months down the road. I don't know. For me, it's always been a mutual thing but I was crazy about a guy who wasn't giving me much time and I broke off the R because of it. I just knew I needed stuff he wasn't going to give me and I would rather someone be enthused about being with me rather than to have to ask them for it. But, then, things may change when she gets out of school. How long until she's out of school?

my relationship needs are too be with a person all the time as well! well for the winter she will be a little less busy thats in a few weeks. Ive been with her little over 3 months. when do you think a good time would be to have a talk if needed? yea obviously we may need to cut it off. even if Im not looking for another relationship, we may just be too different. as for the virginity thing, if anything at this point, for all I know she could feel it was a mistake, since we are so different, that would be pretty hurtful for me as well. I hate being emotional as a man haha. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The fact that you are asking this question shows you are feeling something is missing from the relationship. 

The way I know a woman is invested is she'll start just be happy as hell when she's with me. She'll also gratuitously (no prompting from me) talk about how happy she is or how much fun she is having in our relationship. She'll also pay really close attention to what I'm saying. Not just intellectual attention, but an intense attention. Like what I'm saying is really important and relevant (which it is--early on you're still learning about each other).

What I sense is .you guys just are vibing together. There's no real emotional chemistry it seems. Something feels like it's missing to you. This is one of those "If you have to ask the question, then there's a problem." You should be able to know--to feel--easily feel that she's invested. But don't work hard to get more invested. You guys just might not match up, seems to me.