girl not meeting my needs

[hokage240sx]

I have been seeing a girl for 2 1/2 months. (Sunday )Two days ago we were on the phone and she told me she really liked were things where going in between me and her. She told me she feels really comfortable with me, is able to express her feelings to me and that I take her mind off work and school. I usually only see her once per week. (Saturday) I asked her to be my girl friend the day before that talk. She said no, that she does not want to put a label on it. She said she is scared to be hurt. She said that if I could wait a little longer? she also says that she knows herself and gets to obsessed. I feel like my needs aren't really being met. I would like to see her 2 times a week, at the minimum have at least one set day per week to see her. I would like to get advise on how to approach her on some of these topics the next time we meet. Should I be more understanding of her "busy" schedule? Has anyone ever experienced someone telling them they just need a little more time to consider you a boyfriend, that they don't feel the need for a label at this time? the signals I'm getting seem contradicting. Thank you in advance for your input.----p.s. if you have seen my last posts--our relationship has gotten a lot better since we have now been talking on the phone at least a few times a week between dates. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

 I take her mind off work and school. 

Unfortunately she doesn't want what you want after dating 6 weeks. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue.

She's pushing back a bit so step away and reflect.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Wiseman2

[hokage240sx]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she doesn't want what you want after dating 6 weeks. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue.

She's pushing back a bit so step away and reflect.

should I bring this up the next time I see her? if so what would I say?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

should I bring this up the next time I see her? if so what would I say?

She already told you she's not that interested in seeing you more often because this, that, the other. She's too busy, too scared, too blah blah blah.

You can't beat a dead horse. You either jump off the horse or ride it.

 

[d0nnivain]

She's afraid of getting hurt.  She told you this.  Believe her.  

She needs more time to trust.  All the pretty words in the world won't allay her fears.  She needs to see you being steadfast.   Instead of talking & pressing her for more than she can give overall, give her a bit more time, not too much but maybe another 6 weeks.  I think if you can get through the holidays with her & revisit this after the new year she will be more open to giving you what you want.  

For now, every other week I'd try for 2 dates per week.  Keep the mid week one short out of respect for her time pressures.  Help her fit you into her busy life without detracting from her obligations.  

Looking for instant gratification here will result in an end of the relationship. 

[hokage240sx]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

She's afraid of getting hurt.  She told you this.  Believe her.  

She needs more time to trust.  All the pretty words in the world won't allay her fears.  She needs to see you being steadfast.   Instead of talking & pressing her for more than she can give overall, give her a bit more time, not too much but maybe another 6 weeks.  I think if you can get through the holidays with her & revisit this after the new year she will be more open to giving you what you want.  

For now, every other week I'd try for 2 dates per week.  Keep the mid week one short out of respect for her time pressures.  Help her fit you into her busy life without detracting from her obligations.  

Looking for instant gratification here will result in an end of the relationship. 

thank you!!

[clia]

It's really not unreasonable to want to see her twice a week after 2 1/2 months of dating.  Is she refusing to see you more than once a week?  Is she legitimately busy?  It just makes me wonder if possibly there might be another guy involved, and she is still trying to decide which one of you she likes more or something along those lines.  I suppose it's possible that she's just afraid, but it seems like she should be wanting to see more of you if she is really into you.  I agree with donnivan that you should start pressing to see her twice a week.  Trust your gut and don't waste too much time if it seems you aren't making any progress.

 

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

I have been seeing a girl for 2 1/2 months..... I feel like my needs aren't really being met. I would like to see her 2 times a week, at the minimum have at least one set day per week to see her. I would like to get advise on how to approach her on some of these topics the next time we meet....

So you have seen each other about 10 times? Once a week or so.  It is not weird for her to feel you are rushing things, and she is politely asking you to chill.  Sounds like she still likes you, still want to see and grow what you have.  You are just trying to leap a few steps ahead of her process.  NOTHING good will come of pressuring her.

As to you needs, I call wanting to see someone twice a week a want not a need.    If you try to convince her it is a need you'll only end up convincing her you are needy and clingy.  Patience.

Take her at her word she is busy, be busy yourself.  It is good to be exuberant and fine to let her know how in to her you are and it makes you want to see her more.  Just keep it positive energy, no pressure on her.  Can still see if she is free to do things mid-week, just don't expect it...always have a friend or someone you can share that extra-ticket with.   It's powerful to think of her first but not assume she will go with you. 

Quote

Should I be more understanding of her "busy" schedule? Has anyone ever experienced someone telling them they just need a little more time to consider you a boyfriend, that they don't feel the need for a label at this time? the signals I'm getting seem contradicting. 

You are not getting contradictory signals, she just takes it slower than you.  Yes be understanding, what other choice do you have?  Being demanding or ultimatums are going to get you nowhere.  If you find this too incompatible after 2.5 months then move on. 

Heck yes I have had women say that to me re putting a label on it.  I've also been on the other side where she wants to put a label on it I'm not ready for.   

Frankly learned in life labels don't mean squat, actions are key.  They may not have called it boyfriend-girlfriend, but exclusivity, spending free time together, thinking of and doing nice things for each other, yes...so in actions boyfriend-girlfriend...and that is fine by me.

[hokage240sx]

54 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

So you have seen each other about 10 times? Once a week or so.  It is not weird for her to feel you are rushing things, and she is politely asking you to chill.  Sounds like she still likes you, still want to see and grow what you have.  You are just trying to leap a few steps ahead of her process.  NOTHING good will come of pressuring her.

As to you needs, I call wanting to see someone twice a week a want not a need.    If you try to convince her it is a need you'll only end up convincing her you are needy and clingy.  Patience.

Take her at her word she is busy, be busy yourself.  It is good to be exuberant and fine to let her know how in to her you are and it makes you want to see her more.  Just keep it positive energy, no pressure on her.  Can still see if she is free to do things mid-week, just don't expect it...always have a friend or someone you can share that extra-ticket with.   It's powerful to think of her first but not assume she will go with you. 

You are not getting contradictory signals, she just takes it slower than you.  Yes be understanding, what other choice do you have?  Being demanding or ultimatums are going to get you nowhere.  If you find this too incompatible after 2.5 months then move on. 

Heck yes I have had women say that to me re putting a label on it.  I've also been on the other side where she wants to put a label on it I'm not ready for.   

Frankly learned in life labels don't mean squat, actions are key.  They may not have called it boyfriend-girlfriend, but exclusivity, spending free time together, thinking of and doing nice things for each other, yes...so in actions boyfriend-girlfriend...and that is fine by me.

yup, I feel like I get ahead a little to quick. I will try not to pressure her. yea I guess its just a want I definitely don't need it. I will try to get more busy myself. yea I am excited about her :). yea most of the time mid week she doesn't seem to able too, I got to stop taking it personal. yea I guess its not contradictory. yea the ultimatums are just gonna make things worse. i might just wait a till end of this year and go from there. I've been on both sides as well. yea I got to stop worrying about labels :). 

4 hours ago, clia said:

It's really not unreasonable to want to see her twice a week after 2 1/2 months of dating.  Is she refusing to see you more than once a week?  Is she legitimately busy?  It just makes me wonder if possibly there might be another guy involved, and she is still trying to decide which one of you she likes more or something along those lines.  I suppose it's possible that she's just afraid, but it seems like she should be wanting to see more of you if she is really into you.  I agree with donnivan that you should start pressing to see her twice a week.  Trust your gut and don't waste too much time if it seems you aren't making any progress.

 

I believe she is legitametly busy. in the back of my mind I wonder that also, but since we are not in a committed relationship I don't think I have the right to tell her anything. I asked her last time if the reason she didn't want to be labeled was because she was waiting for someone else, she said no. it seems like we are making progress, but just really slow. It seems like I want to move a lot faster. I would like to press her about 2 times a week, but it seems most of these responses tell me not too. 

[basil67]

I think your needs for dating/relationship are perfectly reasonable.

My view is that it would be a fool's errand to continue with her.   She doesn't want to be your girlfriend, doesn't share your relationship needs and hasn't recovered after prior hurts.  Three good reasons to end it.

 

 

[Foxhall]

16 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

Two days ago we were on the phone and she told me she really liked were things where going in between me and her

Yes respect her wishes and let things take their natural course,

dont put her under pressure and dont get too heavily invested yourself either

 

[hokage240sx]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think your needs for dating/relationship are perfectly reasonable.

My view is that it would be a fool's errand to continue with her.   She doesn't want to be your girlfriend, doesn't share your relationship needs and hasn't recovered after prior hurts.  Three good reasons to end it.

 

 

 

yea I definitely feel my wants are not unreasonable. I look for advice because I want to see if others think I should consider all the things she tells me. yea definitely a good idea to end it, just sucks o well . 

 

3 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes respect her wishes and let things take their natural course,

dont put her under pressure and dont get too heavily invested yourself either

 

yea I should definetly respect her wishes. Im gonna try not pressuring her. I definitely am getting emotionally invested. ive tried talking to other girls, but since I really like her. I don't get very interested in talking to others. thats also a problem haha.

[Foxhall]

I disagree with basil actually on this one,

from your synopsis there Im guessing this is a nice girl and a good match for you,

dont rush it keep things as they are and see how things look in a few months.

[ShyViolet]

I think 2 and a half months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to put the label of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".  That is not rushing things.  If you asked her to be your girlfriend after two and a half months, and her answer was "no" then she's either not interested in you or not ready for a relationship.  Stop wasting your time with this girl.

[hokage240sx]

7 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I disagree with basil actually on this one,

from your synopsis there Im guessing this is a nice girl and a good match for you,

dont rush it keep things as they are and see how things look in a few months.

ok foxhole, I definitely appreciate your advice. you seem like a very understanding person. 

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think 2 and a half months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to put the label of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".  That is not rushing things.  If you asked her to be your girlfriend after two and a half months, and her answer was "no" then she's either not interested in you or not ready for a relationship.  Stop wasting your time with this girl.

yea it does seem like a reasonable time to me. but im guessing its rushing it for her. I definitely could be wasting my time at this point. I don't know 😕

[basil67]

You could always do a mid-way option.  Tell her that it appears that you're wanting different things and that you're wondering if it's sensible to continue the relationship.  See what her reaction is.  If she values you, she may change.   If she doesn't value you, she'll choose to risk the relationship.

[FMW]

When I was at 2 1/2 months in the relationship I'm in there was no way I would have been ready to be his girlfriend and commit to seeing him a certain amount of time.  We're together after more than a year later only because we took our time and built trust.  We're older, so we have no worries about timetables (getting married, having kids, etc.), but it's very possible she's being honest with you and just needs to take it slower than you want.  

Of course you are perfectly within your rights to just end it now and look for someone whose idea of timing matches yours.  But I disagree with the idea that if she isn't ready to be more serious at 2 1/2 months she's definitely just not interested in you and never will be.

[hokage240sx]

39 minutes ago, FMW said:

When I was at 2 1/2 months in the relationship I'm in there was no way I would have been ready to be his girlfriend and commit to seeing him a certain amount of time.  We're together after more than a year later only because we took our time and built trust.  We're older, so we have no worries about timetables (getting married, having kids, etc.), but it's very possible she's being honest with you and just needs to take it slower than you want.  

Of course you are perfectly within your rights to just end it now and look for someone whose idea of timing matches yours.  But I disagree with the idea that if she isn't ready to be more serious at 2 1/2 months she's definitely just not interested in you and never will be.

@FMW Ah, sounds like you definitely understand her thinking. My question is should I be talking to other girls, since we are not committed? just so I don't focus entirely on her? I think she is being honest. also I call her like every other day at night just to check up on her day. and the days I don't call I just usually text I send one before I go to sleep, "goodnight! hope your day was good!--do you thin this is excessive contact at this point? do you think the frequency of our meet ups is too little? also if we haven't established a day to meet up, is it wierd to still chat on the phone?--thank you I feel like you have a good understanding. 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You could always do a mid-way option.  Tell her that it appears that you're wanting different things and that you're wondering if it's sensible to continue the relationship.  See what her reaction is.  If she values you, she may change.   If she doesn't value you, she'll choose to risk the relationship.

honestly I think she would risk it haha. at this stage she definitely likes me, but I don't think above her goals. I assume. 

[FMW]

Since she won't commit to more with you, you are free to talk to other girls.  Definitely don't put yourself on a shelf waiting on her.  Having other women to think about will likely make you less anxious about your contact with her.  It might even help you re-evaluate how you're feeling about her, for better or worse.  If she senses you've backed off a little on the intensity that will give her room to feel the desire to seek you out.    

Unless she is unresponsive/slow to respond or has said something indicating she doesn't like the amount of texting, I think it's fine to keep doing what you're doing.  There's also no reason you can't keep chatting on the phone.  It doesn't sound like she wants to end anything, she's just not ready to move forward too quickly.  It sounds like you can keep doing what you've been doing, just don't push for more right now.   

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by FMW

[hokage240sx]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

Since she won't commit to more with you, you are free to talk to other girls.  Definitely don't put yourself on a shelf waiting on her.  Having other women to think about will likely make you less anxious about your contact with her.  It might even help you re-evaluate how you're feeling about her, for better or worse.  If she senses you've backed off a little on the intensity that will give her room to feel the desire to seek you out.    

Unless she is unresponsive/slow to respond or has said something indicating she doesn't like the amount of texting, I think it's fine to keep doing what you're doing.  There's also no reason you can't keep chatting on the phone.  It doesn't sound like she wants to end anything, she's just not ready to move forward too quickly.  It sounds like you can keep doing what you've been doing, just don't push for more right now.   

 

ok that makes sense. I just would rather not, but o well. she is responsive, I keep texting to minimum. the calls are really nice we usually chat for quite a while. its been helping me get to know her better, good chemistry over the phone. I don't think she wants to end anything either. yea she is definitely not ready to move forward. I guess I just rush things always, im not good at dating. most of my other girlfriends always rushed into things as well. Thank you!!

[FMW]

7 minutes ago, hokage240sx said:

I just would rather not

No reason you have to - if you're ok with just seeing her and taking it at her pace, no problem.  

[hokage240sx]

6 minutes ago, FMW said:

No reason you have to - if you're ok with just seeing her and taking it at her pace, no problem.  

thank you, I really appreciate your advice!!

[ajequals]

Move on buddy. Not worth your time

[Caauug]

On 11/17/2020 at 3:11 PM, hokage240sx said:

                     ….. she told me she really liked were things where going in between me and her. She told me she feels really comfortable with me, is able to express her feelings to me.....                     I asked her to be my girl friend the day before that talk. She said no, that she does not want to put a label on it. She said she is scared to be hurt. She said that if I could wait a little longer? she also says that she knows herself and gets to obsessed.

I see this as a (crap test) s*** test..... She pulls you in with the "Really Comfortable" comment then pushes away with the "No Label"..... "Wait a little longer" is how long can she push you around for and you still be there? It can be a really dangerous game (to the relationship). If you say "Goodbye as I need more" it shows you are strong and confident, what she wants in a man. If you say "Yes, I will wait for you, take as much time as you need" it shows you are weak and she can push you around..... Not someone she would want to pair up with long term. AWALT with crap tests, younger girls normally run higher risks when in favorable conditions. It's human nature and forged in evolution as one of many ways for female mate selection (or de-selection).

This is likely a good time in your life to have a good refection on what you have learned so far in your relationship(s) on how far you will be pushed before saying no more. Where is the line drawn in the sand? How bad can her behavior get before you say no? You are expected to be compassionate, understanding, and patent but you also have to be strong and confident..... Be a push over and you will be painted as a "Low Value Man" and forever in the "Friend zone"....

She will be looking for strength and confidence, if she wants a dog to rollover and beg she can get a 4 legged one.

Not everyone will agree with me..... 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, hokage240sx said:

@FMW. My question is should I be talking to other girls, since we are not committed? . 

Are you having sex when you see each other? Is this what you mean by "needs not being met" only seeing each other 1 x week?

Unfortunately she seems busy with work and school stuff.

Why not break up rather than wasting your and other girls' time chatting them up?

Try to make up your mind . Either this girl/dating situation works for you... or it doesn't.

Using technicalities such as "since we're not committed" provides you with what exactly?..  except confusing and complicating things.

Date or don't date. It's that simple.