Hall pass trouble

[meganuk]

My husband and I used to be in an open relationship before marriage, then went down the monogamy route from engagement onwards.

3 years into our marriage, no kids in the picture, it became clear that we were both getting a bit bored. I could see him flirting with friends of ours all the time, I kept fantasising about other men... You get the idea.

Rather than ending up cheating on each other, I suggested trying a hall pass, just a one-off.

He used his first and had a very disappointing time with it. It pretty much put him off the whole thing and he then decided he didn't want to try that again.

The trouble is, I spent my pass with someone from work and loved every minute. I really wanted more, but he never offered and I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying how dissatisfied I was.

I'm ashamed to say, I ended up cheating, which is something I never thought I would do. I've slept with three other people since that hall pass, which was over a year ago. Now I feel like it's gone too far for me to confess without the relationship breaking up, so I'm living a lie and I hate it, but at the same time I can't give up my promiscuity, I'm enjoying it too much.

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears? I suspect most people will say the latter, but I'm interested in all perspectives.

[healing light]

Honestly, I think you need to communicate directly with your husband how your sexual life has become monotonous. He can't fulfill needs you don't express.

[Foxhall]

Id imagine he already knows your banging other guys,

he is probably hooking up with escorts himself

perhaps he enjoys the convenience of the marriage and does not care what goes on otherwise.

[BaileyB]

A hall pass... what could possibly go wrong? 

I think you need to be honest with your husband. It is the only way, considering that you say you have no intentions of giving up your promiscuity. It’s either that, or continue as you have been and lie to your husband every single day for the rest of your life. Is that fair to him? I don’t think so, but that’s just me. I think the kind thing to do would be to divorce the man and let him find someone who can be faithful. There is nothing saying you need to be in a monogamous relationship if it’s variety that you want.

But you want your cake and you want to eat it too. 

Is it possible to learn live with the guilt, to continue cheating and never tell your husband the truth about his marriage, his wife, and his life? I suppose it’s possible, some people certainly do it. But is that really who you want to be? Only you can answer that question... good luck!

Edited December 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

You two don't want the same kind of life. I think its awfully selfish of you to force your husband to live a lifestyle you clearly know he isn't interested in...Why not just end it so you can both find the right person?

[major_merrick]

You two are not sexually compatible.  Hall passes seem to end poorly the majority of the time.  Either monogamy or polygamy or polyamory.... you end up having to pick one.  Continuing to change the terms of the agreement leads to insecurity. 

For me, what worked was poly-fidelity.  A small, closed circle all in one house. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, meganuk said:

  I'm living a lie and I hate it, but at the same time I can't give up my promiscuity, I'm enjoying it too much.

Are the reasons you stay married financial or out of convenience?

Is it the extramarital sex you crave or the adrenaline of the scheming, lying, thinking you're outsmarting someone?

Why is your marital sex life so boring?

If you "hate living a lie", therapy could help you unpack and sort some stuff out.

 

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, meganuk said:

 

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears? I suspect most people will say the latter, but I'm interested in all perspectives.

It’s your morality not ours. How are we supposed to know what you will feel

[DKT3]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are the reasons you stay married financial or out of convenience?

Is it the extramarital sex you crave or the adrenaline of the scheming, lying, thinking you're outsmarting someone?

Why is your marital sex life so boring?

If you "hate living a lie", therapy could help you unpack and sort some stuff out.

 

Pretty simple really,  not that I'm necessarily trying to answer for her, open relationships are hard to come back from. I'm sure she thought monogamy could work for her but it doesn't.  I don't think there is nothing wrong with her married sexlife other then its limited to one, which if you read what's right behind what she is saying is the issue.  At first she made it seem like she really enjoyed the hall pass guy, but that's not it since she has since slept with three other guys.

[meganuk]

Thanks for all the comments, I wasn't even sure anyone would reply so maybe I didn't go into much detail. Some clarifications:

1. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. I'm not with him out of convenience, or financial considerations. I'm with him because he's my soulmate.  I know he feels the same way about me, we tell each other all the time - so while sexually we may have drifted apart, emotionally there's no distance whatsoever. I know for some couples love and sex are one and the same, but not for us. They never were by the way, we loved each other from the moment we met but we still saw other people. This went on for two years before we got engaged: I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time. I know it may not seem "normal" to most people, but it worked for us.

2. I don't feel guilty for having sex with other people, I feel guilty for not being honest about it. In hindsight, I should have told him straight away how much I'd enjoyed my hall pass and that I wanted more, but at the time I felt bad because he'd had such a crap time with his date (he'd lost his erection, then got it back but ended things in a rush for fear of losing it again). So I only told him half of the stuff I'd done with my guy, I tried to make fun of certain things (like the guy's skinny legs) and I think I left him with the impression that my date hadn't been that great, when in fact it was the best thing that had happened to me in years. It's just proof that lying never pays, it only leads to bigger lies. Now the lies have built up to a point where to come clean would mean to hurt him beyond repair, so I can't bring myself to do it - though I know it would be the right thing to do.

3. What am I getting out of the cheating? Well, this is going to sound really shallow but it's just basic sexual fulfilment. My husband and I still have sex regularly, and god knows we've tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but his kinks don't so much for me - and viceversa. He has a foot fetish, which I indulge up to a point, but there's only so much pleasure a woman can get from having her toes sucked. Likewise, I love anal but he doesn't. Generally, I like rough and he's more into tenderness. So I guess it comes down to not being sexually compatible. But as I said, we've kind of known this from day 1. This is why we initially agreed to keep seeing other people. The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

 

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Edited December 8, 2020 by meganuk

[DKT3]

Not to come off too harsh....that all sounds like bullS... 

Many contradiction, all breaking in your favorite.  Most glaring

"The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea" 

No, the mistake was you cheating and lying. Also, earlier you stated that your husband was no longer interested in this lifestyle,  yet you've made the unilateral decision that he will be in this lifestyle.  You made the vow to be faithful because you wanted to get married.  It really appears that you pushed your husband into a hall pass.... and judging from your mindset, I would guess you've never actually been faithful in your marriage. 

All in all, you're doing alot of mental gymnastics to minimize your actions....

What I dont understand is what exactly are you looking for here? How to feel better about tricking someone (you called a soulmate) into being in the kind of relationship that they don't really want to be in? That doesn't sound like your his soulmate.

 

[Cookiesandough]

It does not have to be done. People cheat and take it to the grave every day.  But you act like it this is something that is causing you a lot of guilt, so I’m not sure you’re one of them.Also; if you intend to keep doing it, chances are you will be caught.  How about you just try to open the relationship again with him and never tell him about it? 
I guess telling him about him might not sound as bad as it typically sounds since you guys had already at one point been bagging other people. Sounds like a mess 

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, meganuk said:

 I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time.

Perhaps you two are not as cool with open relationships as you think, if you both have to minimize/omit to prevent bruising each other's ego.

Maybe he doesn't tell you everything either.

Perhaps redefining what you will or won't disclose in your adventures with other lovers would help.

You both seem too fragile to handle the truth about yourselves.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, meganuk said:

The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

You don't remember because it wasn't your idea...
My guess your husband is not really into the whole open relationship thing.
He probably didn't really care initially or he did it for you so he got to have and keep you.
When he felt he could, he introduced the monogamy clause.
He then capitulated when you suggested the one off hall pass, but his heart wasn't in it.
He is in love with you so obviously forcing himself  to have sex with someone else was going to feel weird to him hence the erection issue...
He wants tender loving caring sex with you, you want meaningless rough sex with other people...
Thinking you can go back to both casually dating others is likely a no go and even if he agrees will make him miserable.
The time for all that is gone.
At the moment you are betraying him  big time, it is not sustainable and will one day blow up in your face.
As you are not that deeply entwined, no kids, I suggest you get single asap and see others to your heart's content without hurting a guy who really loves you.
Yes he will be upset, but not as upset as he will be when he finds you have been lying to him.

[BaileyB]

Divorce is your best option. You are no longer compatible.

Your agreement may have worked prior to and in the early days of your relationship but it no longer works now... I think you know this, or you wouldn’t be afraid to tell him your truth.

There is nothing wrong with an open marriage - as long as both people are in the know and both people consent. Only one person in the know here, and that is the problem. You have now unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage, and that is not fair to do to your partner. You know it, we know it. You haven’t told your husband because you know your game will be up. 

People who love each other don’t do this. They don’t betray their partner, they don’t lie to their partner. You say he is your “soulmate” but that can’t possibly be true or you would value his love and wellbeing more than you do. YOU are not behaving in a selfless, loving way toward him. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

If you genuinely "love" another person, you cannot lie to them, you can't do anything which you know would hurt them. Maybe you need to stop kidding yourself that your marriage is good and you love your husband. Sounds like he's been nothing but honest with you and you're repaying that honesty with deceit, betrayal, and selfishness. Sounds like he's ready for a mature, loving relationship with someone who's capable of returning genuine love. Sorry for the brutality,  but I feel sorry for your husband. What you're doing is cruel. 

[Harry Korsnes]

22 hours ago, major_merrick said:

You two are not sexually compatible.  Hall passes seem to end poorly the majority of the time.  Either monogamy or polygamy or polyamory.... you end up having to pick one.  Continuing to change the terms of the agreement leads to insecurity. 

For me, what worked was poly-fidelity.  A small, closed circle all in one house. 

Ecactly it will nerver work me and the misses talked about it and we dropped almost withinthe same sentance.

[mark clemson]

On 12/7/2020 at 1:10 PM, meganuk said:

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears?

It will only be a "success" until you are discovered.

You have all the same options anyone else does: Be monogamous, cheat, try to open the relationship, divorce.

Are you sure your "need" for fun is worth blowing your stable base up for? Or do you REALLY want that stable base? Or do you want it, but you're hooked on the thrills of NRE and subspace or whatever you're getting out of the rough?

Cheating was and will be a betrayal. If you're going to tell him, my take would be do it now or shut up about it permanently. As noted, not everyone is capable of that.

IF you tell be prepared for him to be crushed and possibly for divorce. If you don't tell, then don't go telling others about it. "Lose lips sink ships." I agree that any new affairs continue upping the risk of discovery.

I think you want "both and":  rough play for fun and a sweet husband/white picket fences for the rest of the time. Something like that. He's not both those things apparently. So in that sense I agree you're sexually incompatible.

If I was in your shoes, I would consider the one option you perhaps haven't tried, which is throupling. Possibly you can find a female "unicorn" and she can pull your hair and spank you and so forth, and then the three of you can cuddle in front of the TV. You can all do more prosaic sex too. Not sure if he would be up for that, but worth considering. There's something in it for him, too IF he's up for that.

Beyond that, all four options have both advantages and disadvantages, to varying degrees. I WILL say that we read about cheating blowing up marriages and families on this forum all the time. Either through discovery or through one partner detaching. Not always, but frequently.

Edited December 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[Amethyst68]

On 12/8/2020 at 9:41 AM, meganuk said:

it was no big deal at the time

Well obviously things changed, at least for your husband. 

I would say you think it's a big deal now otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions on this forum. 

You know your husband deserves the truth and the right to make his own decisions about his marriage. 

[stillafool]

On 12/7/2020 at 4:10 PM, meganuk said:

Is it possible to learn to live with the guilt and "make a success" of being unfaithful, or is this only going to end in tears? I suspect most people will say the latter, but I'm interested in all perspectives.

It is possible to live with guilt.  There is no success in being unfaithful and yes it will all blow up and end in tears.  Your road to happiness is to divorce your husband and have sex with as many men as you desire.

[Harry Korsnes]

On 12/8/2020 at 10:41 AM, meganuk said:

Thanks for all the comments, I wasn't even sure anyone would reply so maybe I didn't go into much detail. Some clarifications:

1. I love my husband and I have no intention of leaving him. I'm not with him out of convenience, or financial considerations. I'm with him because he's my soulmate.  I know he feels the same way about me, we tell each other all the time - so while sexually we may have drifted apart, emotionally there's no distance whatsoever. I know for some couples love and sex are one and the same, but not for us. They never were by the way, we loved each other from the moment we met but we still saw other people. This went on for two years before we got engaged: I had a girlfriend who fulfilled different needs he couldn't fulfil and we both had casual sex with others, it was no big deal at the time. I know it may not seem "normal" to most people, but it worked for us.

2. I don't feel guilty for having sex with other people, I feel guilty for not being honest about it. In hindsight, I should have told him straight away how much I'd enjoyed my hall pass and that I wanted more, but at the time I felt bad because he'd had such a crap time with his date (he'd lost his erection, then got it back but ended things in a rush for fear of losing it again). So I only told him half of the stuff I'd done with my guy, I tried to make fun of certain things (like the guy's skinny legs) and I think I left him with the impression that my date hadn't been that great, when in fact it was the best thing that had happened to me in years. It's just proof that lying never pays, it only leads to bigger lies. Now the lies have built up to a point where to come clean would mean to hurt him beyond repair, so I can't bring myself to do it - though I know it would be the right thing to do.

3. What am I getting out of the cheating? Well, this is going to sound really shallow but it's just basic sexual fulfilment. My husband and I still have sex regularly, and god knows we've tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but his kinks don't so much for me - and viceversa. He has a foot fetish, which I indulge up to a point, but there's only so much pleasure a woman can get from having her toes sucked. Likewise, I love anal but he doesn't. Generally, I like rough and he's more into tenderness. So I guess it comes down to not being sexually compatible. But as I said, we've kind of known this from day 1. This is why we initially agreed to keep seeing other people. The mistake was to make that vow when we got engaged to be faithful to each other. I can't even remember why we thought it was a good idea...

 

So... The way I see it, now I'm left with two options: confess, hope he forgives me and try to go back to the arrangement we had before marriage, which worked much better for both of us; or keep cheating and hope I keep getting away with it. I know the right choice is the first one, I'm just terrified of the consequences. Still, it's got to be done, right?

Just wondering how would you feel if your husband had sex with diferent women behold your bak? 

[Fletch Lives]

The real question is, can you stop cheating? Eventually he will probably find out.

If you can stop, I would keep my mouth shut about it - take it to your grave. Openness and honesty are two different things. If you need to get it off your chest, talk here or with a counselor. Don't sabotage your relationship.

 

Relationships take discipline - this includes not making your partner your shrink.

[merrmeade]

7 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

The real question is, can you stop cheating? Eventually he will probably find out.

If you can stop, I would keep my mouth shut about it - take it to your grave. Openness and honesty are two different things. If you need to get it off your chest, talk here or with a counselor. Don't sabotage your relationship.

 

Relationships take discipline - this includes not making your partner your shrink.

I read 'em all and glibly slid to the bottom of this simple problem and the simple solutions being considered.. The key word here is - glib.

Yet, reading every one of these comments I just keep thinking of your "soulmate," who isn't real because he doesn't know. He is now only what you allow him to be in this situation and in your relationship. How all this would affect him is hypothetical, easy and glib until he knows. 

And I wonder if these choices really are so cut and dried. Say that you decide to "live with it," continue the status quo, continue to get some on the side when you need to. Will it be that simple? If you pick up the frequency or get careless, there's more chance he'll find out. Can you keep this perfect equilibrium? Do you think he'll pick up on your changes? 

If you tell him, you have to give up your fun on the side and deal with the fallout. He will be hurt. You lied to him. He isn't enough man for you sexually. You'll have to face the fact that you've disrespected and caused your soulmate pain.

If you don't tell him and give up the life on the side, will you begin to resent him? Can you be happy? Do you want to? 

But isn't the issue also what you're doing to yourself? You've already changed your relationship by hiding something. You have to walk yourself through all the rationalizations every time you deal with any aspect of this, especially in terms of your intimacy with your husband. You have one area that you can't share with him.

Do you really want to put him in this position? I think you fired him already as your soulmate. You decided to change the arrangement, and that change will begin to color everything. 

 

[5x5]

On 12/8/2020 at 8:41 PM, meganuk said:

I'm with him because he's my soulmate.

If that were true, you wouldn't betray him.

[Wiseman2]

Either you are both cool with this open relationship, hall pass, outside lovers concepts...or you're not.