Questions that need answers about a friend

[Cookiesandough]

What is your opinion on staying friends with a person who has expressed they are romantically interested ? This guy runs a discussion circle I used to participate in. We became friends and he expressed to me last time we hung out that he had feelings for me.  I explained to him that I do not feel the same way and I have no interest in anything like that. He seemed to understand. He still wants to hang out as friends, though. We are hanging out on Sunday.  I find it a little bit strange with the knowledge that I have. I feel like  I am “leading him on“ even though I made my position clear. I guess I’ve read enough to know better?  I do want to hang out with him though because I find him to be a abundant source of knowledge and I love mining from him. He’s cool. 

Second issue is the place that he has chosen to hang out on Sunday is a dive bar that is a stomping grounds of one of my ex-boyfriends. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but I’m trying to be a better person blah blah. I am afraid that my ex may be there. I like the venue and it is perfect for a quiet discussion. Cozy, but open enough for these times. I really don’t want to have my ex control where I go from here on out. But should I change the venue?

 

Can anyone offer some advice? 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

If you really want an orbiter, sounds like you've got one. IMO hanging out is either in the hopes you warm up to him or the hopes you can set him up with one of your FFs. What you do with this situation is up to you.

If the venue makes you uncomfortable, there's really nothing wrong with asking to change it. IIRC one of your Ex's was mildly abusive and another is heartbroken, so yes there is a chance those things mixed with alcohol will result in a scene of some kind if they happen to be there.

You said you wanted friends, now you've got one. It's just that this friend almost certainly has a significant ulterior motive.

Your male "friends" tend to want to date you. It's a "pretty girl's problem" perhaps, but it's still a problem IF you're actually looking for friends.

Nonetheless I think you should enjoy these days of your life (when you get all this attention/interest) for what they are. It presumably will not last forever. You seem interested in keeping collateral damage to a minimum, which is decent of you.

[Cookiesandough]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you really want an orbiter, sounds like you've got one. IMO hanging out is either in the hopes you warm up to him or the hopes you can set him up with one of your FFs. What you do with this situation is up to you.

If the venue makes you uncomfortable, there's really nothing wrong with asking to change it. IIRC one of your Ex's was mildly abusive and another is heartbroken, so yes there is a chance those things mixed with alcohol will result in a scene of some kind if they happen to be there.

You said you wanted friends, now you've got one. It's just that this friend almost certainly has a significant ulterior motive.

Your male "friends" tend to want to date you. It's a "pretty girl's problem" perhaps, but it's still a problem IF you're actually looking for friends.

Nonetheless I think you should enjoy these days of your life (when you get all this attention/interest) for what they are. It presumably will not last forever. You seem interested in keeping collateral damage to a minimum, which is decent of you.

thank you for the advice, Mark Clemson.

 

I really had no desire for an “orbiter” and I guess that’s the problem. Not sure what FF is? I like this person in particular for his knowledge on particular topics that interest me. Very few people like to talk about it. Even fewer know so much about it. Ideally, I would be another one of his male friends and we could discuss these topics without any sexuality muddling it. It can be argued if he would even then be such an attentive “friend”, but that is my position, anyway. I stay anonymous on groups a lot just to avoid the wrong sort of attention. Thanks but  I am not even all that ( not open for debate ), but some men tend to view women in general differently in some groups 

 I haven’t received any other opinions here but yours(and I do really appreciate it). It is now 9:29p and tomorrow we are set to hang out. I don’t know if I should cancel. I will admit it is my instinct to just cut off from this person entirely, but that’s my default instinct whenever something is slightly uncomfortable. It’s complicated because are also part of a zoom group. It gets very awkward when I show up to the group and he sees me after no contact for a long time. 
 

To alleviate the awkwardness, I decided to send him an email saying Happy Thanksgiving and good to see him in the group. He wrote back that he would like to talk to me face-to-face whether on line or in person. He pushed for an in person meet, so I agreed. 

anyway, based on what you have said; I think I’m just going to cancel. I guess I don’t need this friend anyway...
 

 

 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

It's of course up to you. I'm not going to encourage you to drop him as a friend (1 on 1), but I do think he's trying to move up that ladder to get to the other ladder eventually if he can (IIR that ladders "system" correctly).  FF = female friend.

GL!

[Wiseman2]

If it's awkward because he blurted this out, don't hang out.

Now that you know he's not interested in your data mining his brain and is just hanging around to get in your pants, why consider him a good choice for a friend?

[FMW]

You can try it, but if the guy is really interested in you he's probably not going to want to hang out after he sees you're serious about only wanting a platonic relationship.  

[Ellener]

32 minutes ago, FMW said:

You can try it, but if the guy is really interested in you he's probably not going to want to hang out after he sees you're serious about only wanting a platonic relationship.  

Or his interest will fade/he'll find someone else to be interested in, then you'll feel disappointed he's no longer into you...been there done that!

19 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

should I change the venue?

I'd be very careful of indoor venues during Covid. It's the bars reopening caused the 'second wave' here. Go for a brisk walk @Shortskirtslonglashes?!

[Cookiesandough]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If it's awkward because he blurted this out, don't hang out.

Now that you know he's not interested in your data mining his brain and is just hanging around to get in your pants, why consider him a good choice for a friend?

I am not really sure that he is just hanging around to get in my pants? Maybe I am just being naïve. Like I said, we do have this subject in common. I like to listen to him and he likes to talk about his thoughts(like so many do)

So, I did cancel our meet up today after consideration of Mark Clemson’s words. I told him I am just not in a place where I can be a good friend to him. I received like 5  (kind of uncharacteristically)  strange emails back from him saying how he wants to “be there for me” I suppose they  might have be seen as a nice, thoughtful emails from a friend had they not been tinged by what I know and thus taken on a creepy feel... 

 

I feel bad about that. His last email reads: 

“Could you please go into more detail about what’s going on or why you keep doing this? It could be an illuminating experience for us both. 

 

I *promise* to not initiate any further 1 on 1 contact after this email if you don't respond.

 

This is it.  

 

Please do come to whatever philosophical or political groups I'm in if you enjoy them, but this email is forever the end if you wish to discontinue our conversations.“

 

I am just going to be very careful with my friendships with men from now on and have more boundaries, I guess....

 

Thanks much for your input, friends. 

Edited December 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[FMW]

22 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

why you keep doing this?

What did he mean by that?  Have you cancelled on him before?

Give things some thought before agreeing to any get togethers with any guy in the future.  You have enough experience with these situations by now that you should be able to figure out your romantic interest fairly quickly.  Don't say yes to anything with someone who expresses romantic/sexual interest in you unless you really think you might reciprocate that type of interest.  

I get it that you really want to be able to talk to him about your shared interest, but you have to consider the big picture, not just what appeals to you at the moment if you want to avoid awkward situations.  

[Lotsgoingon]

How socially confident and smooth is this guy?

I ask because he's already violated one of those unwritten "rules" of romantic etiquette. That is, if someone turns down your interest, let a little time and distance ensue before you try to connect as friends.

And when you do try to connect as friends, don't set up a one-on-one meet with the person, especially if you can see the person in a more relaxed and less intense group setting first.  (Makes more sense for him to just interact with you through your group meetings). 

The more awkward he is, the firmer you have to set the boundaries because he might not have a clue.  Those unwritten rules were developed because they help protect both parties in situations like this. And so the weird element here is he's not protecting his own heart to be going out with you one-one-one so soon. 

 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Stret]

On 12/6/2020 at 6:15 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am just going to be very careful with my friendships with men from now on and have more boundaries, I guess....

 

Do. From my experience nothing good can come out of "friendships" in which a man is interested in you but you are not interested in them. I had many of these and all ended in the same way - some sort of nastiness from them that happens when you least expect it. They can be lovely and nice for a while, pretending they are totally fine with the situation, and then one day, tomorrow or in a year, there's a booom... I guess it is a situation that breeds resentment inside them that eventually leads to something unpleasant for you. Your suggestion to keep a healthy distance is a wise one. 

[Cookiesandough]

12 minutes ago, Stret said:

Do. From my experience nothing good can come out of "friendships" in which a man is interested in you but you are not interested in them. I had many of these and all ended in the same way - some sort of nastiness from them that happens when you least expect it. They can be lovely and nice for a while, pretending they are totally fine with the situation, and then one day, tomorrow or in a year, there's a booom... I guess it is a situation that breeds resentment inside them that eventually leads to something unpleasant for you. Your suggestion to keep a healthy distance is a wise one. 

Thank you! Yes, I think a lot of my fear is born from a similar situations in the past. Where they asked me to be friends and then they were mad/ offended when their ulterior plan did not go through down the road. They went off. Some got even dangerous (to themselves). I completely agree with what you say. Thank you

Edited December 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Cookiesandough]

So how this ended. He sent me a bunch of emails. He said that it would be his last email if I did not respond, so I did not respond. I also have not gone back to the book club either. I am thinking about it though because I like people in it and the topic(s)

[d0nnivain]

On 12/5/2020 at 3:44 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Can anyone offer some advice? 

Don't meet him.  (I see I'm late to the party & you already cancelled) 

Staying "friends" with a friend who has expressed romantic interest that you don't reciprocate is delicate.  You don't want to be mean because you like them as a friend.  So to me that means cutting them off entirely is not the answer but it's what you chose.  That now means you are out of the book club & you lost a cool person to chat with about interesting subjects.  Seems you cut off your own nose despite your face. 

To me the balance is struck by eliminating one on one anything.  You be polite.  You be warm & gracious but you do not hang out with them alone.  Groups only.  Anything else is too much like a date.  

Had I seen this earlier I would have advised you to tell him something like this: 

I'm trying to do the right thing here.  I have always enjoyed our discussions and I genuinely like you as a friend, but only a friend. Sorry I know that sucks from your perspective & Is not the reaction you wanted.   I don't want to do anything that could give you false hope or encouragement but I'd selfishly like to remain in the book discussion group without causing awkwardness. 

For now, I'm not comfortable meeting you alone anywhere.  If a few more people come I'd be happy to get together with everybody. 

Tell me what your vision of our friendship looks like & maybe we can hopefully find a path that keeps everybody on a even keel. 

Thanks for understanding.  

It's about balance.  You tend to run away to the extreme.   You can't just go back to a club he leads without setting things right between you.  

 

[Stret]

29 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

So how this ended. He sent me a bunch of emails. He said that it would be his last email if I did not respond, so I did not respond. I also have not gone back to the book club either. I am thinking about it though because I like people in it and the topic(s)

You can definitely take on the advice by D0nnivain. Tell him that you didn't answer to his email because you were confused and didn't know what was the best way to go ahead. Now you had time to think about it and you hope that he doesn't carry any resentment because you do respect him and your discussions and would like to continue in the group. Good luck. 

[alphamale]

On 12/5/2020 at 3:44 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

What is your opinion on staying friends with a person who has expressed they are romantically interested ? This guy runs a discussion circle I used to participate in. We became friends and he expressed to me last time we hung out that he had feelings for me.  I explained to him that I do not feel the same way and I have no interest in anything like that. He seemed to understand. He still wants to hang out as friends, though. We are hanging out on Sunday.  I find it a little bit strange with the knowledge that I have. I feel like  I am “leading him on“ even though I made my position clear. I guess I’ve read enough to know better?  I do want to hang out with him though because I find him to be a abundant source of knowledge and I love mining from him. He’s cool. 

Second issue is the place that he has chosen to hang out on Sunday is a dive bar that is a stomping grounds of one of my ex-boyfriends. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but I’m trying to be a better person blah blah. I am afraid that my ex may be there. I like the venue and it is perfect for a quiet discussion. Cozy, but open enough for these times. I really don’t want to have my ex control where I go from here on out. But should I change the venue?

 

Can anyone offer some advice? 

Don’t be friends with him and cancel your “date”

[Cookiesandough]

Woke up to a w^ck ^ss text from a girl in my book club... that I share with this guy...

Long story short, I went back to the book club because I had every right to....But decided to just not acknowledge the guy at all since those emails. Anyway, this girl who I really like who leads the book club that we share texted me “ Hi. I’m feeling a bit weird not telling you and don’t want you to feel like I’m hiding something, but me and [the guy] are dating... we only started after you guys ended things... I’m not a jealous person at all and I really like you. Just wanted to let you know. I hope this isn’t too awkward LOL. ”

 

😕..After we “ended things“? You mean when I ended communication with the guy because I told him I just wanted to be friends and he wouldn’t accept that. What has he been telling ppl? Let this be a lesson to all to really watch who you rub elbows with because you never know how these people are say. There was nothing to end. This guy is whack af to tell his gf anything

 

So I wrote backeally like you and just want you to know”oh hey!! Naw that’s awesome. I didn't know you guys were dating. I really like you too😊 and I'm happy for you guys ... Just to clarify, [wack*ss dude] and I never dated or anything....I think there was just some confusion...but we were just friends. But thanks for letting me know and I'm glad you guys are happy 🙏”

 

 

. yeah that’s it for my friendship with guys. That is all. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Cookiesandough]

Oh and this  is a girl that he was describing as a friend also... “my friend’s book club”... and I was shaking my head the whole time like no she is not your friend ... either you want to get with her or vice versa, both,

quit your bs...

Edited February 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[StrongHands]

SSLL, it is NEVER easy to be JUST friends with someone who wants more.  Not your FAULT at all.  It is difficult from both directions guy to girl or girl to guy.  You can only set the expectations/boundaries and see where it goes.  If (he in this scenario) cannot respect the boundaries then that's on him.  I have been in the reverse too many times to remember (girl to guy) and it is NOT FUN.  I think that sometimes WE just do NOT see the other person in that WAY.  You like them, think they are cool, and enjoy their company but that's as far as it goes.  I would keep going to your Book Club, your dive bar, etc.  You do not need to alter your life because of someone else's problem.  

[FMW]

Maybe the girl had noticed that you and the guy were friendly, and since she was probably interested in him even back then, she asked him about you.  Since he was interested in being more than just friends he probably saw your interest in talking to him and hanging out as more than just friends.  Even though you eventually told him you weren't interested in him romantically, he still sees your time hanging out as more than just purely friendly chit chat.  

I doubt that he made a point of telling everyone you guys had a thing, that would be too easy for him to be called out on.  But it was probably good for his ego if she showed curiosity/jealousy about you, so he didn't discourage her thinking it might have been more than just friendly.  

Try not to worry too much about it, we can't control what other people say about us.  You learned that you can't be friends with a guy that wants more from you, so you're less likely to come across that problem again.  

Enjoy your book club, be cordial with the guy when necessary, just keep your distance.     

[dramafreezone]

It's cruel IMO.

The kindest thing to do would be to push this person away if you have no romantic interest.  Hard to do, but they will be disproportionately invested in you forever, which is time that they could use to find someone that will see them in a romantic light.  Maybe once they've found that romantic interest your own friendship could resume.

Keeping them as a "friend" is selfish.  It's not your fault that he has feelings for you, but you do have a say in how things move forward.  In these situations, there's not really a way to keep things as they are with both friends feeling fulfilled.

Edited February 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[StrongHands]

24 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It's cruel IMO.

The kindest thing to do would be to push this person away if you have no romantic interest.  Hard to do, but they will be disproportionately invested in you forever, which is time that they could use to find someone that will see them in a romantic light.  Maybe once they've found that romantic interest your own friendship could resume.

Keeping them as a "friend" is selfish.  It's not your fault that he has feelings for you, but you do have a say in how things move forward.  In these situations, there's not really a way to keep things as they are with both friends feeling fulfilled.

I do see how the OP has been CRUEL in any way.  I think that she has been upfront and overly considerate. She lLIkES the guy she simply does have romantic feelings for him.  I would bet he’s not the only she has to draw a line in the sand with.  It’s really not her fault and she is in no way being cruel. 

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, StrongHands said:

I do see how the OP has been CRUEL in any way.  I think that she has been upfront and overly considerate. She lLIkES the guy she simply does have romantic feelings for him.  I would bet he’s not the only she has to draw a line in the sand with.  It’s really not her fault and she is in no way being cruel. 

I'm saying it's cruel to continue a friendship if those are the feelings he has.  I'm not blaming her for this guy having developed feelings but like I said, she has a say in how she proceeds now.  Anything but pushing this guy away will always give this guy hope that romantic feelings will grow, case in point after she contacted him with an innocuous email, he immediately took that for interest.  This is not something he will just be able to cut off himself.

The most loving thing to do now would be what appears to be the meanest thing, either cut him off completely, or be painfully blunt, "I won't ever see you in a romantic light, I'm not attracted to you at all."  Some men can't take a hint unless you're that blunt.

Edited February 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[StrongHands]

1 hour ago, StrongHands said:

I do see how the OP has been CRUEL in any way.  I think that she has been upfront and overly considerate. She lLIkES the guy she simply does have romantic feelings for him.  I would bet he’s not the only she has to draw a line in the sand with.  It’s really not her fault and she is in no way being cruel. 

That was suppose to be "I do NOT see how the OP"....not a good idea to text while driving a golf cart..too many typos...lol

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm saying it's cruel to continue a friendship if those are the feelings he has.  I'm not blaming her for this guy having developed feelings but like I said, she has a say in how she proceeds now.  Anything but pushing this guy away will always give this guy hope that romantic feelings will grow, case in point after she contacted him with an innocuous email, he immediately took that for interest.  This is not something he will just be able to cut off himself.

The most loving thing to do now would be what appears to be the meanest thing, either cut him off completely, or be painfully blunt, "I won't ever see you in a romantic light, I'm not attracted to you at all."  Some men can't take a hint unless you're that blunt.

I get what you are saying Drama.  She's in a difficult spot to say the least. I do not think anyone wants to intentionally hurt someone else.  I feel that she was JUST trying to be candid with him and set the boundaries so that there was no misunderstanding.  

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, StrongHands said:

That was suppose to be "I do NOT see how the OP"....not a good idea to text while driving a golf cart..too many typos...lol

I get what you are saying Drama.  She's in a difficult spot to say the least. I do not think anyone wants to intentionally hurt someone else.  I feel that she was JUST trying to be candid with him and set the boundaries so that there was no misunderstanding.  

Unfortunately there's not a good way to approach this where no one gets their feelings hurt, and she'll probably lose the friendship at least for now.  But just as they weren't meant to be on a romantic level, he's not meant to be her friend either, or maybe even a cordial acquantance.

Hopefully down the line he understands why she had to pull away.  I've been in that guy's situation and I can honestly say that, years removed from those situations, I don't hold any grudges against women that friendzoned me or think they're bad people.  I know women will avoid directly hurting the guy's feelings at all costs and they were just handling it the best way they knew how.  It just took years for me to understand women better.