I'm not enough because I don't have money

[Poppet109876]

Hello, I have been with my partner for 11 years and have known him for 14 years we have two beautiful children and  have lived together for the last 9 year  We have recently moved into a flat that my partner has a mortgage for, as we gave up the council flat to be with him and our children  we have talked to great lengths about getting married over the 11 years together.

After June this year when the shops reopened we planned to go and look for an engagement ring.The day before my partner made a silly fight about my tattoos (he not a big fan of them).
Turns out this was a ploy to make us not go because he now decided he doesn’t want to share his savings or pension with me if we got divorced.

Unfortunately I do not have the same savings as I have a part time job and do all school runs so I don’t earn as much as him, 
I’m really struggling with the thought of am I not enough because I don’t have savings. 

I not have a lot of money but I have given this man 11 years of love and my life, looked after our children and making sure they didn’t go without, I have stayed faithful when he wasn’t 8 years ago. 

I feel because When he says I took away his “choice” because I had our children. he’s taking away us getting married because he can.

[Happy Lemming]

33 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

Turns out this was a ploy to make us not go because he now decided he doesn’t want to share his savings or pension with me if we got divorced.

Why don't you research prenuptial agreements and see if you two can find a middle ground??

[Poppet109876]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why don't you research prenuptial agreements and see if you two can find a middle ground??

I have suggest that, his reply was they can’t always been enforced. 
I have no interest in any money he has , he only has sole mortgage because I was stupid and got bad credit when younger. 

[Poppet109876]

6 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

I have suggest that, his reply was they can’t always been enforced. 
I have no interest in any money he has , he only has sole mortgage because I was stupid and got bad credit when younger. 

 He also mentioned to my mother he was going to propose last Christmas, but didn’t then mentioned how he saved up for a ring this past March . It’s feels like he’s just leading me on until he looked at what he would have to do if we got a divorce

[d0nnivain]

After 11 years & 2 kids if he hasn't proposed, you must assume he never will.  He's very upset about the money & he feels trapped.  This man has secretly resented you for a while now.  As engagement gets closer, his underlying seething is coming to the surface.  

My heart breaks for you but I think your dream of becoming his wife will never come to fruition.  I'm sorry.  

[Happy Lemming]

33 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

I have suggest that, his reply was they can’t always been enforced.

They have to be prepared correctly and each party needs their own attorney, but if he has his mind set that he will never marry, then my point is moot.

[Poppet109876]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

After 11 years & 2 kids if he hasn't proposed, you must assume he never will.  He's very upset about the money & he feels trapped.  This man has secretly resented you for a while now.  As engagement gets closer, his underlying seething is coming to the surface.  

My heart breaks for you but I think your dream of becoming his wife will never come to fruition.  I'm sorry.  

 Unfortunately I think your right. It’s hard giving up on a relationship when you have children together and we are otherwise happy. The commitment would be the i wing on the cake. It’s just horrible I’ve given up everything so that he can do what he wanted to do.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Poppet109876 said:

It’s just horrible I’ve given up everything so that he can do what he wanted to do.

Why did you have children with a man you were not married to??

[Ruby Slippers]

This is why you shouldn't have kids out of wedlock. Depending on the law where you are, you may have none of the protections that a spouse would have. Since he doesn't intend to merge finances with you, if I were you I'd do everything I could to get the education and training for a good career so you're not left destitute in retirement.

[Poppet109876]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This is why you shouldn't have kids out of wedlock. Depending on the law where you are, you may have none of the protections that a spouse would have. Since he doesn't intend to merge finances with you, if I were you I'd do everything I could to get the education and training for a good career so you're not left destitute in retirement.

 I have a lovely career in special needs and education, luckily throughout my 12 years I have been able to take each child to work with me. But unfortunately our youngest is too young for school so I still have to do school pick ups. Financially I can provide for myself and our boys. 

[Ruby Slippers]

So what is your question?

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

 Unfortunately I think your right. It’s hard giving up on a relationship when you have children  It’s just horrible I’ve given up everything so that he can do what he wanted to do.

Sadly he knows that.  He thinks of you as a doormat.  Somebody who will always be there, who he can walk all over. 

Stay with him if things are otherwise OK.  You got the cake but not the icing.  Meanwhile do things that feed your soul.  Don't be solely at his beck & call.  Become a more independent person 

[Poppet109876]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why did you have children with a man you were not married to??

Because we were young and both starting our 20’s and for myself I couldn’t have gone through an abortion. 6 years later our youngest came along. I have now made him have a vasectomy 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Poppet109876 said:

 I have now made him have a vasectomy 

You got him to do the big snip but he balks at marriage?  What an odd duck he sounds like

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, Poppet109876 said:

Because we were young and both starting our 20’s and for myself I couldn’t have gone through an abortion. 6 years later our youngest came along.

An "oops" would explain one child, but not two.

[Poppet109876]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You got him to do the big snip but he balks at marriage?  What an odd duck he sounds like

That’s what I can’t get my head round 

[Acacia98]

He's not going to marry you, @Poppet109876. That seems certain from everything you've posted so far. And there's no guarantee that you'll be together forever either.

You can't undo what's already happened, but you can start doing things differently to get yourself closer to financial stability. Start looking into that: Your kids are growing older, so you'll probably have more free time to devote to a career/business as the years go by. Do some research to see what your options are then start planning.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

That’s what I can’t get my head round 

It's not odd to have the snip if he doesn't want more kids with anyone.   

[Poppet109876]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

It's not odd to have the snip if he doesn't want more kids with anyone.   

It’s not odd to have the snip. It was more my decision and he respected that

[Poppet109876]

What I am annoyed about is if I had £50-60k he would. When we both met we had nothing . We were 17 year olds creating a careers. Marriage is a commitment of love and trust  not about if we get a divorce I have to give her money . 
 

he needs to think do I love her or do I love the money 

Edited November 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clean up

[Happy Lemming]

14 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

...or do I love the money 

I think you have an answer to your question.  It appears your boyfriend wishes to protect his long term assets (more), by not getting married to you. So yes, he desires his money more than you, especially since he has rejected the idea of a prenuptial agreement (stating they are not secure enough for his liking).

I guess your choices are to stay in the household and continue to be the "baby mama" or leave him and attempt to find someone who will marry you. 

I do think you are facing an uphill battle attempting to find men to date and eventually marry you, as you are bringing an instant family (two kids) to the equation.  You may find a single dad with his own kids wishing to create a "blended" family situation, but I fear that is your only option if you want the commitment of marriage.

Edited November 15, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[Poppet109876]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think you have an answer to your question.  It appears your boyfriend wishes to protect his long term assets (more), by not getting married to you. So yes, he desires his money more than you, especially since he has rejected the idea of a prenuptial agreement.

I guess your choices are to stay in the household and continue to be the "baby mama" or leave him and attempt to find someone who will marry you. 

I do think you are facing an uphill battle attempting to find men to date and eventually marry you, as you are bringing an instant family (two kids) to the equation.  You may find a single dad with his own kids wishing to create a "blended" family situation, but I fear that is your only option if you want the commitment of marriage.

Thank you so much for very honest opinion I really do appreciate it, tonight has really opened my eyes and given me that reassurance I’m doing the right thing. 
I myself is from a blended Family as my mother was divorced and had two children  when she met my lovely father they are still happily married.   Unfortunately the money will win in this situation and I’m sure not long in the future we will be co parenting our boys. 

[FMW]

5 hours ago, Poppet109876 said:

he says I took away his “choice” because I had our children

and he had no part in that, huh? It really irritates me when men act like the evil woman tricked them into procreating. 

That attitude was a big clue how he sees women and relationships in general.  I would think that would probably present itself in other ways in your relationship as well.    

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Poppet109876 said:

Thank you so much for very honest opinion

I'm just using basic logic to analyze the situation based on the information provided.

One of the more telling facts that you have posted is that he does not consider a well written prenuptial agreement a viable secure instrument to protect his long term assets nor protection from possible alimony payments. 

If you do not live together, he will be forced to pay child support for the two children, period. That is not open to negotiation.  I don't know what the law states in your jurisdiction, but it is usually a formula and he will be forced to pay X amount monthly.

[Poppet109876]

9 minutes ago, FMW said:

and he had no part in that, huh? It really irritates me when men act like the evil woman tricked them into procreating. 

That attitude was a big clue how he sees women and relationships in general.  I would think that would probably present itself in other ways in your relationship as well.    

Unfortunately yes.