He doesn't like talking on the phone

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

poppyfields: I am judgy about most things, I'm French

Lol, I didn't know that about the French! 

Good to know!  

[Calmandfocused]

Hi again thanks for all the replies.

No, a 5 min catch up on the phone twice a week would work just fine for me. 
 

It’s less about the time or the duration of the call, it’s not about what he’s saying, it’s more about indicating that I matter and that he has intention to connect with me even when he can’t see me. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

poppyfields: I am judgy about most things, I'm French

"Listen, hate to be rude. But we're French. And it's dinnertime."

"She meant it's dinnertime and we're French"

- Ratatouille 

[FMW]

I'm a woman and I hate talking on the phone.  The guy I'm seeing does call me if we haven't seen each other for a few days, and the conversations usually last about an hour.  But for the most part I'd rather just use both text and phone to set up or confirm plans, not to have in depth conversations.  You can't see facial expressions and it's easy to talk over each other, or just miss something because there is background noise.  

So I certainly don't think there's anything weird or shady about him not wanting to talk on the phone, just a difference in preferences and maybe a compatibility issue.

Now only using WhatsApp to text.....that would make me wonder.  It's apparently a popular way to hide texts from curious significant others from what I've been told by people who use it.         

 

[Calmandfocused]

And to answer earlier points: yes he has to talk on the phone in his job. And I’ve witnessed him answering the phone to friends and family. 
 

Evidently he just doesn’t want to speak to me . 
 

Which is weird considering that he’s already asked me to be in a exclusive relationship with him. I’ve dodged the question as I’m not ready to commit myself to someone I have doubts over. 
 

I think this is somewhat linked to other anxieties I have about this guy. He works a lot of hours, I don’t think he has time for me really, and I’m questioning where I will fit in. I think the no phone contact is a consequence of this. 
 

The dates have been short and swift  and I’m just fitted in around his current commitments. 
 

I think generally I’m getting the sense that I’m going to be priority number 157 in his life if I carry on with this. 
 

He’s not married. He had a lodger, I’ve seen him. 
 

 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

No, a 5 min catch up on the phone twice a week would work just fine for me. 
It’s less about the time or the duration of the call, it’s not about what he’s saying, it’s more about indicating that I matter and that he has intention to connect with me even when he can’t see me. 

Thnx for the clarification, I understand.  I feel the same.  

But what if he sent a text or email saying "thinking of you, hope you have a beautiful day and/or asking how your day is going, miss you" would that not have the same significance?  

Last night my bf texted me a goodnight song right before I went to sleep! 

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

 I’ve witnessed him answering the phone to friends and family. 
I think generally I’m getting the sense that I’m going to be priority number 157 in his life if I carry on with this. 

Your instincts are good. People are not too busy for what they are interested in. Phase him out.

[Ruby Slippers]

6 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

The dates have been short and swift  and I’m just fitted in around his current commitments. 
 

I think generally I’m getting the sense that I’m going to be priority number 157 in his life if I carry on with this. 

Women's intuition is powerful. I think you can do better than resigning yourself to being an afterthought. This guy hasn't made you feel like a priority because to him, you're not.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

And to answer earlier points: yes he has to talk on the phone in his job. And I’ve witnessed him answering the phone to friends and family. 
 

Evidently he just doesn’t want to speak to me . 
 

Which is weird considering that he’s already asked me to be in a exclusive relationship with him. I’ve dodged the question as I’m not ready to commit myself to someone I have doubts over. 
 

I think this is somewhat linked to other anxieties I have about this guy. He works a lot of hours, I don’t think he has time for me really, and I’m questioning where I will fit in. I think the no phone contact is a consequence of this. 
 

The dates have been short and swift  and I’m just fitted in around his current commitments. 
 

I think generally I’m getting the sense that I’m going to be priority number 157 in his life if I carry on with this. 

From this^, your sense is correct imo.  Follow your intuition, if something feels off, it usually is.  My experience.

I'm sorry Calm. 

 

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[schlumpy]

Is he a better writer then a speaker?

[Calmandfocused]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thnx for the clarification, I understand.  I feel the same.  

But what if he sent a text or email saying "thinking of you, hope you have a beautiful day and/or asking how your day is going, miss you" would that not have the same significance?  

Last night my bf texted me a goodnight song right before I went to sleep! 

I don’t get that Poppy. I get more of a “ I’m going to have beans on toast” for my dinner sort of text . Or “I might be able to see you later”. 
 

Gosh the more I disclose the more this doesn’t seem right does it? 
 

Or maybe my expectations are too high after 3 weeks? 

 

[Calmandfocused]

4 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Is he a better writer then a speaker?

No unfortunately not 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

No unfortunately not 

What are your in-person dates like?  Is he open and affectionate in person?  

How often do you see each other, has sex entered the picture yet?  If so, what's that like?

Apologies if that question is too intrusive.  No need to answer if uncomfortable disclosing.  

I'm just trying to figure out what you find appealing about him. He sounds rather disengaged and dull.

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

 

58 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get more of a “ I’m going to have beans on toast” for my dinner sort of text . Or “I might be able to see you later”. 
Or maybe my expectations are too high after 3 weeks? 

What a bore. Don't bother responding to nonsense communication.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

Yeah he sounds boring AF and “might be able to see you later” ? Wow take it easy on the enthusiasm there, bud 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah he sounds boring AF and “might be able to see you later” ? Wow take it easy on the enthusiasm there, bud 

Lol, well said C&D! 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

The dates have been short and swift  and I’m just fitted in around his current commitments. 

 

Oh girl! and you endured 8 dates like this? Swift dates and whatsapp, that's all he has to offer. How will this ever develop into a relationship? Eventually a relationship evolves in weekends together, sleep overs, weekends away, family dinners....Do you see this happenning?

[boymommy]

My boyfriend isn't a huge phone talker. We have been together 3 years and when we were in the "getting to know you" phase he used to call like 3-4 times per week. We mostly use text/email to stay in touch in between weekends (when we see each other due to our custody schedules) Now he calls once or twice a week. 

I like talking on the phone, but I get worn out by hours of conversation every day so that would be a lot for me if someone wanted that level of convo. I liked when my boyfriend used to call more but to be honest it's not something to break up over because he has so many other amazing qualities! Its something that I can accept about him that ideally would be nice, but not really a neccessity. 

For your situation..well the fact that he ISN'T calling this early is something to look at. Despite my boyfriend's very strong dislike in the phone, he still picked it up and called and we spent hours on the phone. It's pretty hard to get to know each other if you aren't doing that and most men do know that. I think the compromise for my boyfriend was that early on he called more, and now he feels that it's not as needed..I understand that. For you since it's so early in your relationship I think your guy SHOULD be putting his dislike aside and picking up the phone. Then perhaps if your relationship takes off you can work on alternate means of communication later on. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by boymommy

[boymommy]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I don’t get that Poppy. I get more of a “ I’m going to have beans on toast” for my dinner sort of text . Or “I might be able to see you later”. 
 

Gosh the more I disclose the more this doesn’t seem right does it? 
 

Or maybe my expectations are too high after 3 weeks? 

 

I don't know, at 3 weeks everything should be lovey dovey and hot and heavy. Not detached and robot like. I'd say he's not into you but if he asked you to be exclusive that doesn't seem right either. Maybe that's just how this guy operates? 3 weeks is pretty fast to be exclusive as well! Instead of dodging his question you could be honest with him about your doubts and tell him the concerns you have? Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing and is willing to compromise? Either that or he'll just tell you to go to hell but either way I think it will benefit you! 

Edited October 22, 2020 by boymommy

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

So has anyone had this experience? If so, how did you reach a compromise? Was it a case where you simply had to accept that your communication needs wouldn’t be met to accommodate the others preferences?

Ive not experienced this situation before so I’d be interested to see what others think. I’m also trying to work out if this is a sign that we’re incompatible for a relationship going forward. 

Yes. I have. Twice. It ultimately didn't work out both times precisely because of the communication issue. The kind of emotional connection I was looking for required an affinity for frequent and in-depth communication. In the absence of that kind of communication, we drifted apart.

 

[MsJayne]

Depends what you mean by "phone calls".  I'm assuming you mean long ones, which can be very annoying for people who are busy or for people who just aren't into idle chit-chat. Texting allows you to answer at your leisure or when you have a moment to do so, rather than having to interrupt what you're doing.  When I was single I used to get very put off by anyone who needed too-frequent communication, (text or 'phone calls), for two reasons, one is that it usually means you have little to talk about when you see each other in person, and the other is that for me it suggests neediness.  Even too much texting can get on my nerves because it's like the person has no life and thinks you don't either.  

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Depends what you mean by "phone calls".  I'm assuming you mean long ones, which can be very annoying for people who are busy or for people who just aren't into idle chit-chat. 

OP said a 5 min catch up on the phone twice a week would work just fine for her

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yes. I have. Twice. It ultimately didn't work out both times precisely because of the communication issue. The kind of emotional connection I was looking for required an affinity for frequent and in-depth communication. In the absence of that kind of communication, we drifted apart.

Yup, there is so much advice out there to limit communication between dates, text or call to set up the date and keep the interaction to in-person dates.

But what many men don't realize is that for many women, myself included, we will lose the connection if there is little to no communication in between dates!  

I'm not saying 24/7 or even every day!  But some men don't feel any need to stay connected between dates! 

And then they wonder why the woman they've been dating suddenly lost interest.

Yin/yang, Mars/Venus.  

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yup, there is so much advice out there to limit communication between dates, text or call to set up the date and keep the interaction to in-person dates.

But what many men don't realize is that for many women, myself included, we will lose the connection if there is little to no communication in between dates!  

I'm not saying 24/7 or even every day!  But some men don't feel any need to stay connected between dates! 

And then they wonder why the woman they've been dating suddenly lost interest.

Yin/yang, Mars/Venus.  

There's a balance between too much and too little.   Each couple needs to find the right balance that works for them, without it feeling forced or pressured.

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi again thanks for all the replies.

No, a 5 min catch up on the phone twice a week would work just fine for me. 
 

It’s less about the time or the duration of the call, it’s not about what he’s saying, it’s more about indicating that I matter and that he has intention to connect with me even when he can’t see me. 

I think your issues run deeper than him simply not calling you on the phone.  The lack of communication in general is the problem.

When a dude digs a chick, he'll call her, he'll text her, he'll DM her... he'll basically do whatever he needs to do in order to maintain regular contact.

Trust me, a guy will not risk losing a girl he pines for under any circumstsnces.  It doesn't matter how abundant his choices are.  When there's only one girl on his mind, he makes her his priority.

I'm sorry, but this guy isn't making you his priority because you aren't his priority.  You should be demanding more from a relationship than what you're getting. 

This guy needs to know that unless he can commit to you in the way that any reasonable person who's attracted to someone else, then he's toast. 

If your needs are not unreasonable (which they're not) and they aren't being met, it's time to cut your losses and move on.  Communicate this to him and give him an opportunity to prove otherwise.  If nothing changes, you walk.