He doesn't like talking on the phone

[Calmandfocused]

Hi all 

So I’ve recently started dating this guy over the past few weeks (we’ve seen each other about 7-8times)  so we’re still in the very early stages. 
 

He told me from the offset that he strongly dislikes talking on the phone and does not call people if he can help it. This also applies to video calls, voice messages and face time. 
 

So outside of our face to face dates he communicates with me solely by text via WhatsApp. 
 

I’ve no issue with texts per see but to me text messages are the laziest form of communication. They are just words on a screen and don’t do a great job of connecting and building chemistry between two people IMO. 
 

I like talking on the phone/ face timing etc. Being able to speak to someone is the next best thing to seeing someone IMO. I find communicating solely via text to be a bit odd to be honest. I can’t  imagine being in a relationship where I can only text my partner. 
 

So has anyone had this experience? If so, how did you reach a compromise? Was it a case where you simply had to accept that your communication needs wouldn’t be met to accommodate the others preferences? 
 

Ive not experienced this situation before so I’d be interested to see what others think. I’m also trying to work out if this is a sign that we’re incompatible for a relationship going forward. 
 

Thanks everyone

[Gaeta]

I would move on. 

I would view this man as being weak. I want my man to have a strong character,  I don't want someone intimidated by something trivial like a phone call. So down the line this guy is never gonna call to check up on you, if you have children together he'll never call them? Never call school? He never calls his accountant? Never call his garage? He doesn't call his boss? He also never calls his mother? Funny I doubt he skips calling his mother on Mother's Day. 

[introverted1]

You've only been seeing each other for a few weeks.  Other than setting up the next date, what exactly do you want him to call you about?  The phone -- whether used for voice or text -- is not where a relationship is built; that should happen in person.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, introverted1 said:

You've only been seeing each other for a few weeks.  Other than setting up the next date, what exactly do you want him to call you about?  The phone -- whether used for voice or text -- is not where a relationship is built; that should happen in person.

 

For a chat mainly - isn’t talking the way that people get to know each other? 
 

Perhaps I’m too old fashioned. I’m of the era where men used to call women. 

Gaeta I have 2 children so that’s not on my radar. But I am searching for a relationship and you make some very valid points. 

[poppyfields]

I think deeming a man "weak" for preferring to communicate via the written word (text, email, voicenote, letter, etc) versus a phone call is extremely judgmental and wrong.

It's interesting because in between seeing each other in person, my boyfriend and I prefer emailing and text to talking on the phone, we both hate the phone!  Our text and email exchanges are hardly just "words on a screen" just like back in the day, a letter was not just "words on a piece of paper."

You (we) are relating, communicating, connecting with a real live person not some robot devoid of emotion (just said this same thing in another thread as well).  We have had and continue to have some wonderful AND substantial conversations this way.

If there is an emergency, of course, both of us will pick up the phone and call.  But to chat, communicate and connect outside of when we see each other in person, we both prefer text or email and there is nothing "weak" or wrong about that.

All that said, I respect that you prefer to speak on the phone, just like my boyfriend and I  prefer email, no wrong or right.  The problem is the man you are dating prefers a different method of communicating than you, and that is a huge issue unless you can both reach some sort of compromise.

Best of luck navigating this Calm.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

For a chat mainly - isn’t talking the way that people get to know each other?

Yes, in person.

If there is nothing preventing you from seeing each other, then the majority of your "getting to know you" activity should be in person. I'd see this happening on the phone only if you were separated or otherwise unable to spend time together.

 

ETA:  I am not old-fashioned but I am old enough to have been dating long before text was a thing, and I felt that way then, too.

Edited October 22, 2020 by introverted1

[Ruby Slippers]

I wouldn't even go on a first date with somebody so strange as to never call his girlfriend. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

While I know some people are uncomfortable on the phone, his adamance about it plus WhatsApp makes my suspicious mind go to: possibly married or living with someone.

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks for your reply Poppy. Interestingly, I see emails/ letters as something different entirely. Perhaps I’m not articulating this well but I see emails/ letters as more personal (maybe because they take more effort) than a one sentence “How’s your day been?” Text message. BTW he doesn’t email me either. 
 

Ruby, this was my mistake. I didn’t speak to him on the phone before agreeing to our first date. Perhaps I should going forward to make sure my date and I have similar communication styles from the offset. 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think deeming a man "weak" for preferring to communicate via the written word (text, email, voicenote, letter, etc) versus a phone call is extremely judgmental and wrong.

It's interesting because in between seeing each other in person, my boyfriend and I prefer emailing and text to talking on the phone, we both hate the phone!  Our text and email exchanges are hardly just "words on a screen" just like back in the day, a letter was not just "words on a piece of paper."

It's my view, that's how I perceive it. It's something I could not handle. I mean isn't life a battlefield enough without having to deal with those hung-ups? Sure you and your boyfriend have a preference and it's the same preference so it fits your life. My life is too hectic, sometimes I need to call my bf because I need an answer NOW and I need to deal the details asap. I can't imagine having to pull over, text him, and wait for a reply. When I have a bad day and I need his support I call him from the car and I let it all out! you won't believe what happened to me today!!!  and his voice is there to console and support me. How could I live without that!

 

[Ruby Slippers]

15 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Ruby, this was my mistake. I didn’t speak to him on the phone before agreeing to our first date. Perhaps I should going forward to make sure my date and I have similar communication styles from the offset. 

Yeah, I never meet a guy from a dating site unless we've had good, consistent messaging and at least one good initial phone call. If anything is off during any of that, I don't bother. HUGE time and energy saver.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's my view, that's how I perceive it. It's something I could not handle. I mean isn't life a battlefield enough without having to deal with those hung-ups? Sure you and your boyfriend have a preference and it's the same preference so it fits your life. My life is too hectic, sometimes I need to call my bf because I need an answer NOW and I need to deal the details asap. I can't imagine having to pull over, text him, and wait for a reply. When I have a bad day and I need his support I call him from the car and I let it all out! you won't believe what happened to me today!!!  and his voice is there to console and support me. How could I live without that!

 

Gaeta, I did say when there is an emergency or either one of us needs to speak to each other immediately, we will always call. 

Perhaps you missed that part. 

Calm was referring to chatting, communicating, interacting, connecting in between dates and I said my bf and I prefer email to a phone call.

There is no reason to be so adamantly judgemental about it, it's a preference.  No wrong or right.

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, I did say when there is an emergency or either one of us needs to speak to each other immediately, we will call. 

Perhaps you missed that part. 

Yes absolutely, can you imagine if you could not? 

I think OP new boyfriend has something to hide. Not only he told her to not call but she has to use a very specific app to contact him. 

[Gaeta]

I have very rarely....actually I have never come across a man that didn't want to have a phone call before meeting. Many men told me the voice of a woman is important to them as well as how she expresses herself, the words she uses, accent or not, etc.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

He told me from the offset that he strongly dislikes talking on the phone and does not call people if he can help it.

I like talking on the phone/ face timing etc. I can’t  imagine being in a relationship where I can only text my partner.

Then you two are incompatible and this isn't going to work out in the long run. This is going to be a constant fight for you. You can't make him do what he doesn't feel like or want to do.

Edited October 22, 2020 by kendahke

[CaliforniaGirl]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's my view, that's how I perceive it. It's something I could not handle. I mean isn't life a battlefield enough without having to deal with those hung-ups? Sure you and your boyfriend have a preference and it's the same preference so it fits your life. My life is too hectic, sometimes I need to call my bf because I need an answer NOW and I need to deal the details asap. I can't imagine having to pull over, text him, and wait for a reply. When I have a bad day and I need his support I call him from the car and I let it all out! you won't believe what happened to me today!!!  and his voice is there to console and support me. How could I live without that!

 

This.

My husband is like this (now - he wasn't when we were dating). Not just with me but everybody. His mom, our kids, everybody. I'll be at an IEP for our sons, need some specific data for him that I don't have, call and no answer. Text...feeling embarrassed as everybody exchanges looks...this dude doesn't pick up the phone even when it's his wife??

Oh he's just too busy busy busy and waaah, he doesn't LIKE the phone.

Or I'll be at the store and call asking if he wants something. No pickup. Do I text or not - well, I'M the one dodging other shopping carts, dealing with my list, blah blah. Juggle the texting thing my with my fingers, maybe drop the frigging phone. (Not very coordinated.) If I do he texts me while I'm driving home. "Well why didn't you text me when you first walked in? I REALLY needed blah." If I don't, "Well why didn't you just go into a quieter aisle?" 

Yeah nope.

This is married stuff, not dating stuff, but over time, if it bothers a person initially...it's probably not going to be less bothersome later........only more so...usually...this is supposed to be the *easiest* and best-behavior stage...

Sorry to unload, LOL. Just explaining, this seems like a small thing and it kind of isn't but then again when somebody is as set on it as this guy in the thread right from the beginning (just, geez) then...what the heck? Not a single phone call ever...who makes a rule like that? That isn't weird?

If this guy can not call you ONE single time, well then...FFS. As always, JMO. I'm only one person, this won't bother every person, but it must bother the OP or she wouldn't be posting about it, I think.

FWIW, I don't deem it weak, just weird, LOL.

Edited October 22, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Calm was referring to chatting, communicating, interacting, connecting in between dates and I said my bf and I prefer email to a phone call.

There is no reason to be so adamantly judgemental about it, it's a preference.  No wrong or right.

I see your situation as being different than OP. You expressed your preferences but you did not dismiss completely having phone calls if needed and you and boyfriend are on the same page about this.  I am not judging you. OP's new boyfriend I am sure makes phone calls when needed, he just doesn't want to make an effort for OP.  Now if your boyfriend happened to enjoy a little talk on the phone once in a while, wouldn't you make an effort? I am not talking about calling him each day but wouldn't find it in yourself to call him 5 minutes a few times a week?

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I have very rarely....actually I have never come across a man that didn't want to have a phone call before meeting. Many men told me the voice of a woman is important to them as well as how she expresses herself, the words she uses, accent or not, etc.

We didn't.  My choice as much as his.  We connected prior via text and email and when we met, we were kissing at the bar within 30 minutes and yeah he LOVES my voice too!  

Not sure why you're so judgy about it, just because you prefer talking on the phone.

Again, no wrong or right as long as both people prefer the same style. 

[introverted1]

There is a difference between being unwilling to use the phone when needed (as in some of the examples above) and using it as a vehicle for deepening the relationship.  The former makes sense, but the latter - using the phone as a way to grow a relationship - is not optimal, imo, unless, as I noted above, there is some valid reason why f2f contact cannot happen. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not sure why you're so judgy about it, just because you prefer talking on the phone.

poppyfields: I am judgy about most things, I'm French 😉

[Cookiesandough]

I’ve never dealt with this before. I am not a fan of the phone personally but I would use it to communicate with someone I was dating if I had to. I’m wondering why you guys are using WhatsApp instead of just his phone number?  Maybe I don’t know enough about  it, but the fact that he doesn’t like the phone and uses a second-party app to communicate with you is a little suspect to me. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Now if your boyfriend happened to enjoy a little talk on the phone once in a while, wouldn't you make an effort? I am not talking about calling him each day but wouldn't find it in yourself to call him 5 minutes a few times a week?

The way I am interpreting Calm's issue is she would like to emotionally connect -  build the connection and/or maintain the connection in between dates by talking on the phone.

Not a five minute catch up twice a week.

She posted this, but Calm, would you clarify?    

If my bf hated text, email or any form of written communication in between dates, I am not sure if we'd be here, three years later.

It's a big part of how we relate and interact and maintain our connection in between when we see each other, it works for us!  

Not just words, but he sends me songs, poems he finds inspiring, photographs he's taken, really beautiful stuff.  

 

 

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

55 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks for your reply Poppy. Interestingly, I see emails/ letters as something different entirely. Perhaps I’m not articulating this well but I see emails/ letters as more personal (maybe because they take more effort) than a one sentence “How’s your day been?” Text message. BTW he doesn’t email me either. 
 

Ruby, this was my mistake. I didn’t speak to him on the phone before agreeing to our first date. Perhaps I should going forward to make sure my date and I have similar communication styles from the offset. 

Agree with your perception of text messages.   It's a challenge to have a substantive conversation that way which is why my bf and I prefer email.

He recently wrote me the most beautiful hand-written letter!  I won't go into why but wow, it melted my heart.  

Anyway, I do agree with others that his adamant and direct refusal to talk on the phone suggests a rigidity and stubbornness I would personally be turned off by.

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

So I’ve recently started dating this guy over the past few weeks (we’ve seen each other about 7-8times) 
He told me from the offset that he strongly dislikes talking on the phone and does not call people if he can help it. This also applies to video calls, voice messages and face time. 

This is a good incompatibility to observe this early on. It's definitely at an impasse. Keep in mind he could be texting on the toilet, from his gf's house, watching the game, while out on other dates, etc. This is not only about communication styles, it also shows a lazy/obstinate side. Do not chitchat via text. Simply one word answers or redirect to the next date. If he's not asking you out, don't lean into this style if you don't like it.

Edited October 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I am reading Whatsapp is anonymous. Do you have this guy's phone number? Do you know where he lives?