Boyfriend on call - Would you stay up

[Kirsty-Nicole]

My boyfriend works in IT and he is on call and can be called away at all hours when it is his turn for on call.

He is on call at the minute, he got called away to a job where he will be a few hours travelling at least. Would you wait up if you was me or would you try and sleep but listen out for him? 

I don't want him thinking I'm like "ok don't care going sleep"

[basil67]

Hubby used to do shift.  I would go to sleep and when I felt him climb into bed, I'd give him a warm cuddle and doze back off.

If he thinks that you getting a good night's sleep is uncaring, then you should have second thoughts about him.    Go to bed and sleep well

Edited September 19, 2020 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

He is on call at the minute, he got called away to a job where he will be a few hours travelling at least. Would you wait up if you was me or would you try and sleep but listen out for him? 

I don't want him thinking I'm like "ok don't care going sleep"

Go to sleep at your usual time. If he calls or wakes you when he returns, then fine. Even though you are talking about or have already moved into his place, you need to act normally. No one would perceive this as caring or not caring . It's very important when advancing your relationship to not start making unwanted/unnecessary 'sacrifices', that basically don't mean anything. If you want to be thoughtful leave him a nice snack with a cute note  for when he walks in the door

[Watercolors]

37 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

My boyfriend works in IT and he is on call and can be called away at all hours when it is his turn for on call.

He is on call at the minute, he got called away to a job where he will be a few hours travelling at least. Would you wait up if you was me or would you try and sleep but listen out for him? 

I don't want him thinking I'm like "ok don't care going sleep"

You don't want him thinking you don't care because you sleep, but the problem is, you do care. Do you think he's cheating on you instead of working shift hours? 

My cousin's wife works for an international company and handles a dept that is based in Japan --  which is +13 hours ahead of the U.S. time zone. My cousin understands and respects his wife's career choice and they have a child together. Neither my cousin or the child is up all night with her, b/c that would be ridiculous. 

What is the real reason you refuse to sleep when your IT boyfriend is on call? Do you think he is cheating on you? There has to be a reason why you posted this. 

[snowboy91]

I've known quite a few people who do shift work and are on call overnight. Most of them fully understand that their partners need sleep and don't expect them to stay awake for them.

It seems you may be anxious about what he thinks and you'll put off sleep (a necessary function) just to keep him happy when you don't need to. I presume he's not on call every night, so there will be plenty of time on those other nights to spend with each other. It just goes with the territory.

[Kirsty-Nicole]

I know he isn't cheating. I heard the "call out" phone call, he also got the part from the garage he needs as his company lets engineers keep some spares, and the old part is on the dining room table.

The place he was scheduled to go to isn't very nice and I was more worried about his safety. I did fall asleep (ish!) in the end and when he got back I said hello. He said hello back and for me to sleep.

We talked this morning and he asked if I was awake I said at times I was. He did say I should sleep and not wait up for him. If the call outs are earlier and I wanted I could go on the call out with him. I might have to sit in the car as some sites don't allow visitors. 

I think what scares me is that he'll go to a call and not come back. I won't know what happened and I'll be left there wondering. Thats what scares me the most.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

I think what scares me is that he'll go to a call and not come back. I won't know what happened and I'll be left there wondering. Thats what scares me the most.

Do you think you staying up all night will make a difference?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

He did say I should sleep and not wait up for him.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? If so, go to your friends/parents if you can't sleep. Don't make him babysit you while he's trying to work.

[Kirsty-Nicole]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Are you afraid to be alone? If so, go to your friends/parents if you can't sleep. Don't make him babysit you while he's trying to work.

He isn't at the house when he is working at night he is at a clients.

 

I've always lived with someone be it now my boyfriend or my parents. Its not that I do worry when he gets up at night and has to go to a clients

[Fox Sake]

Why stay up just so you can worry?
We all need sleep. 

I think it’s quite kind of you to care enough to worry about his wellbeing when he drives out late. But I also think it’s to your detriment, as that sort of thought pattern - worrying about the worst case scenario, is not going to do you any favours. I can understand the place of love and fear they come from, but don’t let those thoughts rule you. 
 

Instead of worrying about the worst , if you find yourself doing it - Focus on the positives, what you’re grateful for , and try some breathing exercises to settle yourself before you go to sleep again when he’s away on call. 

If you can go with him and he doesn’t mind then by all means do it. I know I would appreciate something like that every once in a while (my job is very different tho) , but I would also feel quite guilty for leaving you in the car when you could be wrapped up in bed. If I was him,  I might miss something important to do at the call out, or rush a job so I could get you back home again. 
I’m really happy you have found someone who cares about you as much as you do them, going by your other posts, so on that note - this should be a place of happiness for you and not one of worry. A little absence from each other when one of you has to work is never a bad thing. As they say, Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

I think what scares me is that he'll go to a call and not come back. I won't know what happened and I'll be left there wondering. Thats what scares me the most.

Have him put you in his phone as the In Case of Emergency contact.  Also have him write a note like that in his wallet.  First responders will look for that info.  

Also if you know his parents -- his legal next of kin -- & they know you live together, somebody will call you.  If you live together & your address is on his driver's license, the police will come to the house. 

You will know if something happens.  

If you are going to be on edge every time he gets a call out you will be emotionally raw & sleep deprived.  You have to find a way to make peace with his job requirements or they may tear you apart.  

[Penguin_hugs]

I'm a hospital pharmacist and used to be on the oncall rota. Would be working in the day like normal and them carry a phone from 5pm til 8am for a week at a time. Would vary between having to give advice over the phone, source meds from other hospitals or go in etc. 

I vote- don't wait up. I used to feel so embarrassed that my boyfriend would also get woken up at 3am when the phone would ring and feel bad that his working day would be impacted too. (He's a teacher). Your partner will be likely feeling the same way. I mean no one likes sleep being disturbed and you aren't even being paid to be oncall! 

I'm just having flashbacks to when the phone rang when we were *up to no good* and I had to very quickly become composed! I do not miss being oncall! 

[Kirsty-Nicole]

1 hour ago, Penguin_hugs said:

I'm a hospital pharmacist and used to be on the oncall rota. Would be working in the day like normal and them carry a phone from 5pm til 8am for a week at a time. Would vary between having to give advice over the phone, source meds from other hospitals or go in etc. 

I vote- don't wait up. I used to feel so embarrassed that my boyfriend would also get woken up at 3am when the phone would ring and feel bad that his working day would be impacted too. (He's a teacher). Your partner will be likely feeling the same way. I mean no one likes sleep being disturbed and you aren't even being paid to be oncall! 

I'm just having flashbacks to when the phone rang when we were *up to no good* and I had to very quickly become composed! I do not miss being oncall! 

Last night he did give me a kiss before he left apologised for going, when we talked this morning I did say no bedroom Olympics during on call.

 

As for the emergency contact in his phone wouldn't know how to raise that. Any ideas?

[Watercolors]

30 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

Last night he did give me a kiss before he left apologised for going, when we talked this morning I did say no bedroom Olympics during on call.

 

As for the emergency contact in his phone wouldn't know how to raise that. Any ideas?

Why are you acting so clingy with him and insecure? You've lived with previous boyfriends before so why is this r/s living situation different? 
Why can't you just ask him to make you his emergency contact? Why is that such a big deal? You're already living with him. So its not an unreasonable question to ask him. 

 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you afraid to be alone? If so, go to your friends/parents if you can't sleep. Don't make him babysit you while he's trying to work.

OP, this is a good question. Why are you afraid to be left alone? 
 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Watercolors

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

He isn't at the house when he is working at night he is at a clients. I've always lived with someone be it now my boyfriend or my parents. Its not that I do worry when he gets up at night and has to go to a clients

Ok, that's fine. He can handle it. Leave a light on, leave a nice note/snack.  Get a home alarm with cameras and motion lights. Perhaps you need to get used to each other and adjust to living together and your new schedules.  Everyone hears every sound when they move to a new place, you just need to get used to your new environment. If there were an issue he would call, or call a coworker the cops whatever.

[Kirsty-Nicole]

 

19 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Why are you acting so clingy with him and insecure? You've lived with previous boyfriends before so why is this r/s living situation different? 
Why can't you just ask him to make you his emergency contact? Why is that such a big deal? You're already living with him. So its not an unreasonable question to ask him. 

 

OP, this is a good question. Why are you afraid to be left alone? 
 

I've always lived with my mum and dad, this is the first boyfriend I've moved in with others I've stayed with others. 

I guess after an attack I get scared of me relapsing and choking on vomit or something. 

As for emergency contact. In my eyes its a big thing.

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, that's fine. He can handle it. Leave a light on, leave a nice note/snack.  Get a home alarm with cameras and motion lights. Perhaps you need to get used to each other and adjust to living together and your new schedules.  Everyone hears every sound when they move to a new place, you just need to get used to your new environment. If there were an issue he would call, or call a coworker the cops whatever.

I think I do need to get used to it. He said I should start making the place mine. He said I shouldn't worry and its only for a week at night. 

[Watercolors]

Just now, Kirsty-Nicole said:

 

I've always lived with my mum and dad, this is the first boyfriend I've moved in with others I've stayed with others. 

I guess after an attack I get scared of me relapsing and choking on vomit or something. 

As for emergency contact. In my eyes its a big thing.

I think I do need to get used to it. He said I should start making the place mine. He said I shouldn't worry and its only for a week at night. 

Yes, you need to calm down and relax. Do you have panic attacks in general and high anxiety overall? That may be something you should look into getting some help for. Anxiety attacks are no fun. It seems like you allow your thoughts to jump to conclusions, without first confirming the facts. That's definitely a sign of an anxiety disorder. 

Yes, becoming your boyfriend's emergency contact is a sign of commitment. However, he's already living with you so it's not like you have to walk on eggshells with him about anything you think about. He's already committed to you as your boyfriend. You need to learn to stop overanalyzing and overthinking everything. That will only backfire on you and have negative consequences. Just ask him, if you can be his emergency contact for his work. This is not something that you need to overreact about. Just stop overreacting. Just ask him if you can be his emergency work contact. He may already have his parents or siblings listed. And if he does, that does not mean he doesn't love you less. I have a feeling you will take it personally, if he has someone else listed instead of you, and you will have a huge fit about it and make him feel bad. Please don't act that way if he's already listed someone from his family instead of you. 

I think you really need to calm down and try to enjoy living with your boyfriend, instead of turning everything into such an ordeal. You'll just make yourself an anxious mess. 

[Snow_Queen]

It sounds like the main issue here is you’re uncomfortable being alone at night. I have a friend like this who had panic attacks when her SO had to work night shifts. 
 

She felt better if there was a friend she knew she could call if she got really scared. Some of us were “on call”, so to speak. She also kept the lights on at night and tried doing things that took her mind off being alone. Eventually, the schedule changed back to daytime.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

I guess after an attack I get scared of me relapsing and choking on vomit or something. 

What sort of an attack?  Surely, I must have missed something? 

Are you ill? And that is why you fear being alone?  

A bit confused. 

 

Edited September 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Kirsty-Nicole]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What sort of an attack?  Surely, I must have missed something? 

Are you ill? And that is why you fear being alone?  

A bit confused. 

 

I had a coeliac attack the other week. 

Ill answer the rest of the thread a little later on. Boyfriend got another call and it woke me. Boyfriend said to look on the bright side. It means he gets paid double time for essentially working at normal times.

[LivingWaterPlease]

14 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

If you are going to be on edge every time he gets a call out you will be emotionally raw & sleep deprived.  You have to find a way to make peace with his job requirements or they may tear you apart.  

This, and it seems to me it's going to put pressure on him to know you can't sleep when he's at work.

From your first post it seemed to me that your concern was that if you went to sleep he'd think you're uncaring.

But, in your next posts it seem to me that your main concern is anxiety based on the fear that he won't return. 

Which is it? Or is it both?

With either one that's too much anxiety to live with. With both, it's WAY too much anxiety to live with.

Edited September 21, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Kirsty-Nicole]

I have a bit of both, want him to think I care and I'm scared after an attack that this will happen. The attack fears do go. 

I'm not used to being alone at night. but I have been alone and I've been ok. 

As for emergency contact. His boss did ring me today, He hurt himself and when he reracking?! something and she said "Hey its <his boss> don't worry <boyfriend> has hurt his hand and he is going up to the hospital at <where he is> to get it checked out. I'll give you a call later on make sure you are ok and if I hear anything else" My boyfriend also rang and told me not to worry. Its more process than he is badly injured.

 

[Wiseman2]

Do either of you want or think a pet may be a good idea?🐕🐈

[Kirsty-Nicole]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do either of you want or think a pet may be a good idea?🐕🐈

A pet wouldn't work for us, as I'll be back at the office and organising events/shows soon

[d0nnivain]

You have had anxiety about this whole move in thing.  You aren't paying any money toward this place & basically moved in with him.  

A dog is a good companion when you are alone in the house.  You can always hire a pet sitter when you back to work but the dog would alert you if something was amiss.  

If you don't want a dog, ask your BF about upgrading the alarm system at the house or getting one.  You can put up cameras that show motion on both of your phones & get a video doorbell.  we also have motion sensors in our house if somebody tries to open a window or door.  Plus there is a panic button on each side of the bed.  I only wanted the dog for protection; I'm more scared of tripping the alarm then having a burglar set it off.  

You now also know that your guy's boss knows to call you if something happens.  You won't be left home wondering so put that fear out of your mind.  You will be a good GF if you don't make yourself crazy with worry when he goes out.