do I wish my friend 'happy birthday' even though we're on a break?

[Hopeful2020]

So I have a good friend of 15 years who recently asked to take a "break" in our friendship.

We are platonic friends ( I am a man and she is a woman) and she has been going through somewhat of a difficult living situation with her husband for the past five years - they still live together but are roommates at this point. Her reasoning for asking for a break was that when she said she wanted to take space from everyone in the world accept her immediate family because things were getting too stressful.

While I understood where she was coming from in general I didn't get how it applied to me as we had been communication on pretty much a weekly basis for the past year and had even gotten together several times after Coronavirus started taking over everything. Plus she had been relying on me as kind of a confidante, and even emotional support, for everything she was going through. It just seemed odd that all of the sudden should wouldn't need me.

I think what "triggered" her is that she felt she was up for "friendship review", which it wasn't. I also had said in the email that I felt she might have replaced me - which she clearly didn't like  me saying. The reason  I said this, however, is because my friend happens to be an extremely attractive woman and I have often wondered if there were other male friends like me in her life. She has said time and time again that she could never imagine dating again, and it would be hard in her situation, but it occurred to me that this might be going on and instead of just being upfront about it she chose to ask for "space". We are just friends so I am cool with whatever makes her happy but I could see how she might not want to say anything because we got really close and there were clearly some underlying feelings happening ( which she pretty much admitted but didn't want to discuss). 

 And to further complicate matters we are friends on FB and she even made a comment that she might be liking my posts which I am not sure how I feel about. Part of me felt like I probably should have just told her I was going to unfriend her and she could friend me back when she is ready for the break to be over. And the final piece here is that her birthday is coming up soon so do I just ignore it unless she reaches out first? If I text her to say "happy birthday" is that a violation of the break? But I also don't know how I will feel if I reach out and she comes back with just "thanks" and nothing else.

i am just really confused how to proceed here because this is someone I care a lot about and I have never been in this  type of situation before. And what's really odd here is that we were not dating, no boundaries have been crossed and I don't even think the stuff I said to her was really enough for her to ask for a break. I feel like she should have just  talked to me about how she felt rather than jumping right to taking a "break."I have no doubt she wants to remain friends because she took great pains to make that clear but I am trying to figure out the best way to navigate this.

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[ExpatInItaly]

She’s taking space from you because she recognizes your increasingly close friendship isn’t healthy for her marriage. It sounds like she wants and needs to concentrate on that and is therefore setting a boundary with you. You admit there are feelings so this is already sliding slowly into somewhere it shouldn’t go. 

She’s putting on the  brakes and drawing a line in the sand, as she she should be.

All you can and should do is respect her decision, and take a step away now. Emotionally detach from her so you can focus on finding an available woman. This friendship was skating too close towards an emotional affair and it’s best for you two to keep you distance now. 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

She may be reconciling with her husband or started daring someone. Perhaps you were a shoulder to cry on during her divorce, unfortunately now it seems it's to close for comfort for her.

[Hopeful2020]

Thanks for the responses and I should clarify a couple of things.

First, her marriage is over and, in fact,  I asked her if there any hope of reconciling, which i would have no issue with by the way, and she made it extremely clear that wasn't going to happen and I honestly think she would have told me if that were the case. At this point they are just staying together until their son is a bit older and until it's financially feasible to separate.

Secondly, while there are some underlying feelings I certainly have not ever brought that up and, in fact, that's not something I  cared to get into with her. I really like having her as a friend and while I would never say that I wouldn't consider something with her if things were very different (like she was no longer living with her husband and not married) that's not where my head is at with her.

And if she is dating someone that's completely fine but I would think, if she views me as a friend, she would just tell me that versus telling me she wants space from everyone because she would know that I would eventually figure out what's going on and this would be far more damaging to our friendship than just being upfront about it now. Yes, I might be a little hurt because I would know I wouldn't see her as much but at least I wouldn't be sitting around all confused about what was up. 

[schlumpy]

I don't think you should worry yourself too much over it. Whatever is going on is certainly beyond your ability to control. So tell her fine and hope to hear from you in the future. I would unfriend her from FB because that's in keeping with what she wants. 

Friends are friends because of a common interest. I have friends that play guitar. That's our connection. What is your connection to this women except as a confidant?

If you are concerned about making her angry then you need re-examine this relationship and realize that you are an orbiter waiting for a chance and she likes the attention.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

Plus she had been relying on me as kind of a confidante, and even emotional support, for everything she was going through. It just seemed odd that all of the sudden should wouldn't need me. She has said time and time again that she could never imagine dating again, and it would be hard in her situation,

She might be reconciling with her husband and is embarrassed because of what she's told you about him behind his back and the easy way of not hearing people's consternation with her is to not deal with them.

Quote

I asked her if there any hope of reconciling, which i would have no issue with by the way, and she made it extremely clear that wasn't going to happen and I honestly think she would have told me if that were the case

Yeah, just like she's telling you the real reason as to why she set you adrift--and you're supposedly not trying to get with her. She's telling you what she wants you to know, not necessarily the truth.

Quote

And to further complicate matters we are friends on FB and she even made a comment that she might be liking my posts which I am not sure how I feel about. Part of me felt like I probably should have just told her I was going to unfriend her and she could friend me back when she is ready for the break to be over. And the final piece here is that her birthday is coming up soon so do I just ignore it unless she reaches out first? If I text her to say "happy birthday" is that a violation of the break? But I also don't know how I will feel if I reach out and she comes back with just "thanks" and nothing else.

She wants to keep you on a tether for when she feels like being one-sided and indulging her side of things while not reciprocating the access.

Don't tell her you're going to unfriend her. Just do it.  When she figures it out, remind her that she's the one who wants space from everyone except her family--and you aren't family.

You two might not have sexual intimacy, but you do have emotional intimacy and that can interfere with her figuring out whatever is going on in her home with her husband.  I'd leave her be and stop being her emotional tampon.  She needs to be taking all that to a therapist or a marriage counselor.

Don't let her play you for a chump just because she's "attractive".

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by kendahke

[Hopeful2020]

Thanks for the great responses Schlumpy and Kendahke!

And Kendahke, you really hit the nail on the head as to what's been bugging me about this situation - she's completely calling the shots.

As I said above I kind of felt like instead of asking for a break her response should have been to just ask to have a discussion and lay out whatever her issue was. I think one of her issues is that she is probably used to getting a lot of slack, in particular from men, so she thinks I'll just hang and take whatever she gives.

I also think pulling the "you hurt my feelings now I want to take a break" was her way of putting me on the back-burner  and also a way for her to back away from the relationship without telling me the truth of what's going on with her. I guess, since I am kind of an "old guy", and I have known her so long, I was kind of assuming she was just playing straight with me but I don't think she is..

Anyway, I don't think I'll unfriend her just because we will be seeing each other through a mutual activity we both participate in and unfriending can really send a pretty harsh message. But I will be putting her on "restricted" status so she can no longer see my future posts. I am also thinking  when she does reach out again I probably just need to keep a pretty big boundary and maybe even reset the friendship on my terms at that time.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

First, her marriage is over and, in fact,  I asked her if there any hope of reconciling, which i would have no issue with by the way, and she made it extremely clear that wasn't going to happen and I honestly think she would have told me if that were the case. At this point they are just staying together until their son is a bit older and until it's financially feasible to separate.

Secondly, while there are some underlying feelings I certainly have not ever brought that up and, in fact, that's not something I  cared to get into with her. 

Unless you are with her and husband behind closed doors, you don't know everything that goes on in her marriage. Nobody ever does. You don't know with absolute certainty if she's being honest, nor if she's telling you all there is to know. Even if it's over in all but name, she still might not feel right having a cozy friendship with another man while she is still married and sharing a home with her husband. Who knows, maybe they have been working on things and she's too proud to tell you that after all the complaining she's done about him. 

And you likely don't have to bring up the fact that you have feelings for her. Chances are she's already on to you. We ladies are emotionally intuitive and tend to figure these things out quickly. 

At the end of the day, it stings to be cut off but she doesn't really owe you more of an explanation than she already gave you. It's also not in your best interest to harbour feelings for this woman. She's not available to be anything more than a friend, any time soon. It's a waste of your time and energy to get attached, in other words. It's probably better that you distance yourself anyway so you don't get more hurt as time goes on and she still doesn't can't date you. You'd be wasting away your time when you could be focusing on meeting someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

Why not just step back lay low give things space and time, but not pull the plug completely.

[Hopeful2020]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unless you are with her and husband behind closed doors, you don't know everything that goes on in her marriage. Nobody ever does. You don't know with absolute certainty if she's being honest, nor if she's telling you all there is to know. Even if it's over in all but name, she still might not feel right having a cozy friendship with another man while she is still married and sharing a home with her husband. Who knows, maybe they have been working on things and she's too proud to tell you that after all the complaining she's done about him. 

And you likely don't have to bring up the fact that you have feelings for her. Chances are she's already on to you. We ladies are emotionally intuitive and tend to figure these things out quickly. 

At the end of the day, it stings to be cut off but she doesn't really owe you more of an explanation than she already gave you. It's also not in your best interest to harbour feelings for this woman. She's not available to be anything more than a friend, any time soon. It's a waste of your time and energy to get attached, in other words. It's probably better that you distance yourself anyway so you don't get more hurt as time goes on and she still doesn't can't date you. You'd be wasting away your time when you could be focusing on meeting someone else. 

Well while you’re technically right, she doesn’t owe me anything, I just didn’t “imagine” the feelings coming from her. And we have been friends a long time so she kind of does owe me a bit more.

I have always treated her as a friend but she is the one who started pushing the strong emotional connection with me. Right, or wrong, she was clearly using me as somewhat of an emotional place-holder. And this clearly amplified my feelings for her which she has to know.

At the end of the day, I obviously can’t control her, and I want her to be happy, but I feel it’s kind of BS to play this game after years of friendship and not to just come clean with me. Obviously I may not be happy with what the ultimate truth is but we’re friends so I wouldn’t be so tempted to walk if she wasn’t “gas lighting” me a bit by turning this into some general “I need space” from the world nonsense.

But after reflecting I think I’m just going to back away for now and not do anything dramatic. I don’t believe we’re “done” with each other yet so and as much as I’d like an explanation time will eventually reveal one.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

At the end of the day, I obviously can’t control her, and I want her to be happy, but I feel it’s kind of BS to play this game after years of friendship and not to just come clean with me. Obviously I may not be happy with what the ultimate truth is but we’re friends so I wouldn’t be so tempted to walk if she wasn’t “gas lighting” me a bit by turning this into some general “I need space” from the world nonsense.

Come clean about what? Why do you assume "I need space" isn't true?

I am not sure what it is you want her to say.

Even if you've been friends for a long time, you are not entitled to know more details if she's electing not to share them with you. That's simply respecting a boundary she's drawn, that's all. Unfortunately, you seem to be viewing this as more of a relationship when it's not.  Your expectations are out of line with what's just a friendship when it boils down to it.  Did she use you for emotional support? Yes, she may well have. Did you let her? Yes, apparently you did. 

Sincere question, where did you expect this friendship to lead? You've known the entire time that she's married, so I am not clear what you end goal was. Did you want her to leave her husband and be with you, or? 

You're rather quick to paint her as the bad guy but you have some accountability in your own disappointment here, too. 

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

i am just really confused how to proceed here because this is someone I care a lot about and I have never been in this  type of situation before. And what's really odd here is that we were not dating, no boundaries have been crossed and I don't even think the stuff I said to her was really enough for her to ask for a break. I feel like she should have just  talked to me about how she felt rather than jumping right to taking a "break."I have no doubt she wants to remain friends because she took great pains to make that clear but I am trying to figure out the best way to navigate this.

15 years is a long time to be friends.  However, she may fear or her husband may feel that you two are having what is called an Emotional Affair.  It sounds like she talked to you a lot & you two were close.  She has now decided to get off that slippery slope. 

Your idea to restrict her access to your social media & back off is a good one.  Do be warm & civil when you see her at whatever that mutual activity is.  That should preserve things without intruding. 

For now all you can do is follow her lead & back off.  No more chats, texts, meetings, liking social media posts etc.   

[ShyViolet]

You initially say in your post that this was a completely platonic friendship and that you weren't hoping to date her or anything like that.  But then the truth comes out where you start to admit that you had feelings for her.  She probably said she needed a "break" because she sensed your feelings for her and she felt that it was inappropriate or too much.  Maybe she is reconciling with her husband, maybe not.  Who knows.  People don't usually ask for "breaks" in friendships... that is unusual.  Her doing that means that she felt there was something about this friendship that was not working for her.

3 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

but I feel it’s kind of BS to play this game after years of friendship and not to just come clean with me. Obviously I may not be happy with what the ultimate truth is but we’re friends so I wouldn’t be so tempted to walk if she wasn’t “gas lighting” me a bit by turning this into some general “I need space” from the world nonsense.

Gas lighting?  Umm, no.  She's not "gas lighting" you.  People overuse that term these days and it's so annoying.  She's also not "playing a game" with you.  She has every right to tell you that she needs a break from this friendship if it's not working for her or if it's not healthy for her right now.  There might be more to her reasons.  But you're being a little overbearing and you need to just respect her choice and leave her alone.

[Hopeful2020]

Thanks for all of the great advice here and, as indicated above, I think the best move on my part at this point is to do nothing. And when she reaches out again I need to decide what boundaries  need to be in place. 

As to where I expected the friendship to lead - I didn't expect to lead anywhere at this point but just to more friendship. I think one thing that seems to be misunderstood in my posts is that regardless of their clearly being some sort of feeling on both sides - no boundary was ever crossed other than her occasionally commenting on some of my social media posts in ways that pushed the envelope a bit. You also have to understand that this friendship, for the past year, was full of a lot of "push-pull" on her end.

Literally every time I tried to just take a bit of space (mostly for my own sanity) she would start coming at my like gang busters. There were several times where she would passive aggressively post comments on my Social Media indicating to me she was wanting me to reach out her. It really was  a bit bizarre at times and indicated a lot of insecurity you would never have for a normal friend and this turned into a pattern.  Other friends even noticed it.

There was even an incident a couple of weeks ago in which I was on social media going back and forth with another friend ( who happened to be a woman) and she posted something blatantly flirtatious - which i didn't respond to, and the next morning the post was deleted. And this incident led to this whole discussion which led  to this "break". I reached out to her because she hadn't been reaching out as much and I kind of knew her social media comment was a way to get my attention - per usual. That's when she came back with the whole wanting space from the world and I responded that it didn't make a lot of sense which led to her getting irritated and asking for a "break."

At the end of the day I think she is clearly very confused right now and I probably should have been more careful about getting sucked into her situation. I have a lot personal things going on in my life as well so it was great to have another close friend in my life. Part of my struggle with the whole break thing is that I had grown to rely on her for a lot of support as well so to have someone who has been there on a weekly basis for a whole year to just all of the sudden pull chord when literally nothing has happened, without any explanation, is pretty hard.

As to my "gas lighting" comment I realize it sounds dramatic, and I don't think she was intentionally doing that, but what I didn't appreciate was her trying to minimize our friendship (as if we were two friends just exchanging recipes the past year) so that it would make her feel better about whatever she has going on and then just arbitrarily putting me on the back-burner until she has need of my emotional support again. Even if this was a guy friend, or another female friend without the same dynamic, I would have an issue with it and think it was kind of messed up.

 

[kismetkismet]

20 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

I think what "triggered" her is that she felt she was up for "friendship review", which it wasn't. I also had said in the email that I felt she might have replaced me - which she clearly didn't like  me saying. The reason  I said this, however, is because my friend happens to be an extremely attractive woman and I have often wondered if there were other male friends like me in her life. She has said time and time again that she could never imagine dating again, and it would be hard in her situation, but it occurred to me that this might be going on and instead of just being upfront about it she chose to ask for "space". We are just friends so I am cool with whatever makes her happy but I could see how she might not want to say anything because we got really close and there were clearly some underlying feelings happening ( which she pretty much admitted but didn't want to discuss). 

Based on this and some other things you mentioned, it sounds to me like she felt the friendship was crossing some emotional boundaries and getting in the way of her ability to reconnect with her husband. You don't 'replace' friends because, unlike a monogamous relationship, you can have many friendships. If my male best friend asked me if i had REPLACED him, or was wondering about whether I had other male friends specifically (not just a friend of any gender), I would worry that he felt that we were in some kind of emotionally monogamous relationship.

Your email probably made her realize that your friendship had turned into a form of emotional cheating. 

 

[Hopeful2020]

13 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

Based on this and some other things you mentioned, it sounds to me like she felt the friendship was crossing some emotional boundaries and getting in the way of her ability to reconnect with her husband. You don't 'replace' friends because, unlike a monogamous relationship, you can have many friendships. If my male best friend asked me if i had REPLACED him, or was wondering about whether I had other male friends specifically (not just a friend of any gender), I would worry that he felt that we were in some kind of emotionally monogamous relationship.

Your email probably made her realize that your friendship had turned into a form of emotional cheating.

Some good observations. 

One thing you say which kind of hit home is this idea of having many friendships, which I agree. It felt like after we got closer she started treating our friendship a bit different, as if i was someone trying to date her versus being friends. All of the push-pull stuff struck me as weird because normally one's treatment of their friends doesn't change from week to week in glaring fashion.  For example, I have lots of good guy friends and while some weeks we may not talk as much because of work, or family commitments, we generally try to be responsive to each other.

With her it was this constant pattern of weeks of her wanting a really high level of  contact, willing to bend over backwards to see me, followed by a week, or two, of half ass responding to communications.  What was further odd about this is that when we would come to and of our periods of heavy contact in mind I was like "I will give it a rest for a while and I'll reach out next week" but she would usually reach out again seeming to want to continue but when I responded she would become aloof. I felt like she might be testing to make sure I was still there - it was like she always had to have the "last word" in our communication - if that makes sense 

The whole thing threw  me off because that's not how most of my friendships operate. Even with women my friendships have always been straight forward. In an ironic way  I think if she would have just treated me normally instead of blowing hot & cold, and making stuff weird, I don't think we would have gotten here. I mean, does one honestly even need to  tell a friend they need space? Generally If I need space I take it and if someone reaches out I just respond and tell them we can connect next week. I think when you say "I need space" a good friend is going to ask why and I think if it's  something in particular with that friend you owe it to them to tell them. If it's a problem in the friendship dynamic it can't be corrected, or worked on, if both parties don't know what's up.

As to her husband, if she was getting back together with him, which seemed vehemently opposed to on many, levels I would actually be happy for her and feel a bit of relief on my end. But when I think about it I guess it is possible she would be embarrassed to tell me. And as much as I would like to believe she has been straight with me it's possible if she did have feelings for me she may have not have been telling me the whole story as to what was going on at home because she thought I would back away from our friendship which I would never have done.

But at this point it is what it and all I can do is hang back which sucks because I do miss her.

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

Based on this and some other things you mentioned, it sounds to me like she felt the friendship was crossing some emotional boundaries and getting in the way of her ability to reconnect with her husband. You don't 'replace' friends because, unlike a monogamous relationship, you can have many friendships.

This is my perspective, too. 

Crossing boundaries isn't limited to physical cheating, OP. Boundaries can be crossed when we're turning outside our primary relationship (her marriage, in this case) and seeking the comfort and attention of someone else. Boundaries can also be crossed by blatantly flirting with someone on social media (and yes, I realize this was her, and not you) Those kinds of things often slide down a very slippery slope which leads nowhere good, for either of you. You and she both know this isn't just about being good friends anymore. 

She either recognized this herself and wants to stop, or her husband cares more than she says, realized what was developing here and told her to knock it off. He might not be too happy with you, knowing his wife has been seeking your attention for a long time. I would not be so quick to assume everything she's told you about their dynamic is true. 

It's best to take a big step back and leave her be. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Hopeful2020]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She either recognized this herself and wants to stop, or her husband cares more than she says, realized what was developing here and told her to knock it off. He might not be too happy with you, knowing his wife has been seeking your attention for a long time. I would not be so quick to assume everything she's told you about their dynamic is true.

Now, that I am reflecting more and more this would make a lot of sense. As silly as this sounds I think I was just really hung up not so much on the prospect of her deciding to work things out with her husband but more so the issue of her starting to see somebody completely separate.

But after reading all these excellent comments I do think it's possible she is moving back to considering working things out with her husband which would certainly be understandable and make sense. They have been together longer than we have been friends, they own a house together and he has always been the primary breadwinner. He actually just got a new job after months of unemployment which was a real relief for her and the timing of this did coincide with her backing off a bit and her asking for space. The other thing, which now might make sense if her relationship wasn't as done as she say it was, is that she only would call me whenever she was out of her house. I honestly didn't get this  since we were just friends and she is living with her husband as a "roommate" in a pretty big house.

Anyway, I will "leave her alone" and let her reach out when she is ready to reengage. Thanks for the advice. 

[kismetkismet]

Yes, it sounds like you've found yourself in an emotional affair. My best friend of 10 years is a guy, we talk nearly every day, but we don't have any of the kinds of feelings/boundary confusion that you're having here. Most of his close friends are female and I've never felt like their friendship took away from ours in any way. When one of us is busy, we talk less and no one thinks twice about it. There's none of that weird push and pull you talk about, no attention getting games, no questions or worries when one person is quieter than usual for a while... Those are things that happen in (insecure) romantic relationships. 

I think COVID has caused a lot of people to think about their relationships in new ways. Maybe now that she's spending more time with him, she's realizing that she needs work on their relationship - either rekindle the marriage, or figure out whether they need to separate. And figure out whether he can meet her emotional needs without her having to resort to a third party. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Hopeful2020]

1 hour ago, kismetkismet said:

Yes, it sounds like you've found yourself in an emotional affair.

I think you're right but it sucks because that's not what I wanted and not what I  expected that to happen with her.

I haven't had really close female friend in quite a while but the last one I had was kind of like you and your best friend. She was married but we spoke almost every day and I even used to go hang out at her house if I had time and was on the road for work. I knew her husband pretty well and I remember him coming home several times when i was there and not batting an eye. Everything was on the up and up and in the open. That only ended because they moved out of state.

And although I have known my friend for a long time for most of our friendship we would  only see each other a few times per year for coffee and talk on the phone every couple of months. Things started to change after I invited her to get involved with an activity I was involved in because I thought it would take her mind off of her home situation.  Because of this activity we started seeing each other several times per week but things stayed kind of the same. The reason things got accelerated was because  I reached out to her after she was clearly having a tough time one evening  and after that she just started texting, or calling me, all of the time. This went on for a while and eventually settled into a pattern of us talking and texting several times per week. Even after Coronavirus started this continued and we even got together a few times in June and July.

But, if anything, this is a good learning lesson for me and really reminds me that I need to set boundaries too. When I felt things slipping into the territory of emotional dependence more than friendship I probably needed to put the breaks on a bit.

[ExpatInItaly]

So do you suppose your knee-jerk pissed-off reaction to this was largely because you thought she was talking to another man?

Though I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, maybe explore those feelings for a moment. What if that were indeed true? What would you do with that information?

It’s not as though you have any claim over her, right? Can’t exactly go off on her for finding another guy to lean on when you shouldn’t haven’t been playing that role yourself, either. She doesn’t owe you loyalty. You might feel jealous and hurt that she’s found a new distraction and a new crutch, I imagine. Having said that...now you might understand how her husband would feel if he knew the extent and questionable dynamic of her friendship with you. 

Edited September 2, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Hopeful2020]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So do you suppose your knee-jerk pissed-off reaction to this was largely because you thought she was talking to another man?

Well i didn't have a "knee-jerk pissed off reaction" I actually wanted to know why a friend I have known for years, and been communicating with on  a weekly basis for the past year,  all of the sudden started going MIA without reason.

I think the thing that you might be missing  here is that this was a two side relationship and I had also developed some dependence on her too. And most of our conversations where not about issues with her husband and, in fact, about a lot of things we have in common and  the reasons we have been friends for so long. So to get even closer to someone I have had in my life for years was truly a gift and for her to just decide randomly she wants "space" and then to want a "break" because  I asked what was up was pretty lame. Yes, I could have asked differently but she could have cut me a bit of slack. 

Also, I need to emphasize, that we were not dating, seeing each other or having any type of affair or clandestine relationship. I almost feel like some of the comments are treating this as if this was some woman I've been having this casual dating/friendship relationship with for a couple of years and since she felt  things got a little weird it's okay for her to walk with no explanation. This is someone I have known for a significant part of my adult life so obviously just letting this go without questions is hard.

Yes, she is in a tough situation at home, and yes she may be working stuff out with her husband, but the adult thing to do would have been for her to just tell me honestly what was going on with her. Instead she left me hanging wondering if she'll decide to reach out next week, or next year, because she is either too afraid or too embarrassed to be honest about her situation. And  I don't buy for one second she has all of the sudden stopped talking  to all of her other friends and there isn't someone else she is now confiding in and talking to about her life on a regular basis - maybe it's her husband again but who knows.

Finally,   I would have been a bit ticked if the reason for the back off was because she had started seeing someone because that would mean she was not seeing me as a friend and had been  using me as an "emotional placeholder" and I don't know anyone, male or female, who would be cool with that. I know for a fact that there are friendships ( where there was no feeling) that have had huge falling outs when someone totally starts  ignoring the friendship because of a new relationship.  If it was because of her husband I might be a little irritated but obviously if she can reconcile with her husband that should take priority but just let me know that so I am not sitting out here wondering what the heck is going on.

Alright, I guess that's all I have to say on this but I am just bummed it came to this.

 

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

With her it was this constant pattern of weeks of her wanting a really high level of  contact, willing to bend over backwards to see me, followed by a week, or two, of half ass responding to communications.  What was further odd about this is that when we would come to and of our periods of heavy contact in mind I was like "I will give it a rest for a while and I'll reach out next week" but she would usually reach out again seeming to want to continue but when I responded she would become aloof. I felt like she might be testing to make sure I was still there - it was like she always had to have the "last word" in our communication -

All of the push-pull stuff struck me as weird because normally one's treatment of their friends doesn't change from week to week in glaring fashion. 

I mean, does one honestly even need to  tell a friend they need space?

I think she was actually telling herself that she needed to make space because she was blurring the lines of your friendship on her end by the way she was treating with you.  There was no way you could know what was going on in her head because you didn't live in her head, directing traffic.

She just found a way to turn it around on you to take the blame, as if butter could never melt in her mouth.

It is insight on why her marriage is in the state it's in.  Like I said, she needs a therapist/marriage counselor more than she needs intimate friends of the opposite sex if she's doing all this extra mess.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

I think the thing that you might be missing  here is that this was a two side relationship and I had also developed some dependence on her too. And most of our conversations where not about issues with her husband and, in fact, about a lot of things we have in common and  the reasons we have been friends for so long. So to get even closer to someone I have had in my life for years was truly a gift and for her to just decide randomly she wants "space" and then to want a "break" because  I asked what was up was pretty lame. Yes, I could have asked differently but she could have cut me a bit of slack. 

Also, I need to emphasize, that we were not dating, seeing each other or having any type of affair or clandestine relationship. I almost feel like some of the comments are treating this as if this was some woman I've been having this casual dating/friendship relationship with for a couple of years and since she felt  things got a little weird it's okay for her to walk with no explanation

No, I definitely wasn't missing either of the two bolded points. It was clear from the first post that it wasn't one-sided and that you two aren't dating. 

However, I think it would be fair to say that this was veering too close to an emotional affair. That is why she has backed away. If if were any usual friendship, one doesn't usually need to declare a need for space (which you rightly already mentioned in this thread)

Bottom line is that it stopped being a typical friendship as soon as feelings started developing. You both know that, it seems. So, she is pulling back probably because she knows it's not wise to be getting this close to another man. And yes, it might spell the end of your friendship in general. That's a risk you both took when you tacitly allowed your feelings to get to this point and depend on each other emotionally too much. 

All you can do is walk away now. I get that it hurts that she doesn't want to be so close to you, but you also can't really compare this to just any old friendship at this point. I don't think it's a big mystery why she's backing up, nor do I imagine you need her to spell it out for you. You seem like an intelligent guy, so she likely assumes you can put the pieces together on your own, no? I also doubt that she wants to acknowledge to herself that she's not being a great wife right now, so she's avoiding that talk with you altogether because it would mean she has to recognize that she's crossing boundaries with another man. 

Edited September 3, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[schlumpy]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bottom line is that it stopped being a typical friendship as soon as feelings started developing. You both know that, it seems. So, she is pulling back probably because she knows it's not wise to be getting this close to another man. And yes, it might spell the end of your friendship in general. That's a risk you both took when you tacitly allowed your feelings to get to this point and depend on each other emotionally too much. 

 

This is why I recommended you unfriend her on facebook to show that you are not emotionally affected by her request for space. You chose a softer approach that was a reflection of your feelings. 

Unfriending her in light of what she requested, should not have been out-or-bounds.