Where is my place?

[John Grogan]

Hello all,

First of all, thank you for taking the time and read what I will write. It will be a long read, but I need to do this. I don't know exactly what I am doing, but I want to write this to take it off my chest in a place where no one is judging me or pointing fingers

I am unhappy.

A little intro about myself: 38, in a long relationship with a great woman, no kids, want, but we are not ready to bring them into this world with what is happening now. We've been together 6 years now, she is someone that is really, really amazing. If there were more people like her, this world would have been different. I come from a tight home, my parents are still together, in love, good financial background, was raised to know what is good and what is wrong and most of all, to be fair. I work for over 10 years now in advertising. It wasn't my first choice, but I enjoy what I do, I am lucky to be at at fantastic work place, great pay, amazing boss, independence to do things right, so all of that is good.

Since my early days, I felt I didn't belong here. In this ... world.

I know it sounds a bit off, but I felt happy in books, in movies and animations. As years went by, I felt this bittersweetness growing in me and this "attraction" towards lost streets, later spring and early autumn nights.

On the love department I wanted what my parents had, I was trying to find the perfect woman since my early days, childish games, to be honest, but I wasn't very successful until high school ended and I started to change physically, but also mentally. I was starting to see that love is not quite a fairy tale story. In college I had my first heartbreak. Met this woman in the most weirdest way possible, I went to a movie and in the whole cinema, there were only 4 people. Me & my friend and this couple. I saw her, she was incredible, it was love at first sight (let's call her M). Went later on an media sharing site and don't know how, started talking with an user (mind that this was before the social media crazyness and all of that). We ended up talking on yahoo messenger and swapped pics and it was the girl from the cinema. Yeah. You read it right. I was certain it was a sign from above. Spent the next year as friends and when she finally broke her relation with the guy from the cinema, I made a move. 

Had a date, and when I was waiting for her to come for the second one, she didn't show. She told me she was with this collegue of hers and she confessed to me that now they are together. I broke any contact with her and later on I wanted to have a relationship with a woman that will be more than a few months, so I got together with this chick. We spent 3 years together. I did not love her at all, but I was afraid to leave. Funny enough, she decided to end it all.

After that I started seeing other women a lot, but nothing serious. Except, one night I got a text from the M. Wrote her back and chatted a bit. Found out she is living in another country now, 3 hours from me, left home that year also and moved from city to city. We texted a bit in the following months. Then came one night. As I was in a club with some friends, I received a photo from her on my phone. When I opened it, it was a picture with coffee mug from the airport in her town. After the pic she wrote me a long text saying that tomorrow she will marry this guy, that she knows she did the biggest mistake ever and If I say the word, she will buy the first ticket towards me and leave him. I rejected her and we stopped speaking.

A year goes by and my life is pretty much the same: work, dating and loneliness. My love for the night is becoming bigger and bigger and I drift really apart from all around me. I start writing and something nice comes out of it, something I will later publish. My perception of what is around me is quite different now, I just want to get out of here, man, to a lost planet, or in a place where there is darkness and my music.

But life had other plans, as I text M. We spoke a bit, she indeed got married. Our discussions became a bit more intimate, but not sexually, just intimate, as they were. I still loved her with all my heart. So she came here for one weekend. We got together and was something I've never felt again. Love, hugs, sex, everything. And most of all, we made plans. She said they actually have a quite different type of marriage, there is no love, only benefits, as he helps her get the citizenship. We make plans to start a long distance relationship and then be together. 2 years it is our goal.

We manage to stay just 2 months. After being the lover, the other man, I start to sense a change in her attitude, she ignores my text, our skype dates, etc, so I decide to confront her, but when she avoids it, I decided to end it all. As this was just near the end of the year, one night before NYE I get a loooong mail from her saying a bunch of nonsense that we will be together, we will make this happend, that I am the one she wants and I don't understand how hard is it for her to do this. I reply her with another long mail in 3 weeks. It wasn't a friendly mail, as I had my heart in pieces.

In the same time, I was trying really hard to cope. I found my refugee in long nights with women I didn't care, clubs and work. I didn't do drugs or alcohol at all. The bittersweetness in me grew even bigger. I didn't want her anymore, but I was missing her like hell. Time for A to make her entrance.

At the start of a summer, I've gone on Tinder. These were the early days, not many people had it. And I chat with this woman. Her name was A. I enjoyed it a lot talking nonsense, but I was avoiding asking her out because there was a catch: this was her last summer her. She will leave to start her PHD in another country. We talked, talked, talked and we found out we were living in the same hood. So one night, one warm summer night, she said "let's meet". I accepted. I don't know why, but I wanted to meet her. Since that night we spend the next 3 months of summer every single day together. Every single one. As things move quickly to her departure, we spoke about us and what is next. She didn't have any reason to stay here anymore, except me, a guy she met 3 years ago. She was alone, her parents, sadly, died. But our intimacy grew bigger and bigger and I took her to my ... secret places. Places where I loved to went during the nights, or lost streets where I loved to walk. I was in love with her as I couldn't ever I've imagined to be. But I knew this won't work. I don't want to live, she doesn't want to stay, and I did long term with M and it was horrible. So as much as It hurt, I was starting to imply that we need to end this when she lives. I will be forever there for her, but we need this to be over. The last night together here was a crying marathon from both of us, I couldn't see my eyes as how unfair all of this would be. She refused to let me go, so we decided to try long term.

The day she left, I went home and bought tickets to spent Christmas together in her new country. Our love affair lasted 2 weeks after she left. I started to notice changes in the way she talked, the way she wrote. It looked more and more that I was trying to make this work rather then her. I understood that she was alone in a new culture, she needed to settle in, but when male friends appeared in the scenarios, I became very suspicios. As things started to boil from my part, I confronted her and she said something that broke me. I don't know how to describe it, as I never felt a pain like that ever and I don't know if I will hear something worse. She said: I think I might said "I love you" too fast to you (she said it first, I don't say that). It felt like one billion knives that entered in me at the same time. Something cracked inside. I made a step back, and she noticed, she became again close, wanted me. I wanted her also, but things weren't the same.

As I went to spend the holidays together with her, our first sex in 4 months was really off, but we argued a bit over nonsense. We had our moments, no doubt, but things were not good at all and in my last night, I caught her flirting with a guy on an app on my phone, a quiz app. As I asked her about it, she didn't see nothing bad of it. What followed was the worst sex of my life. When I left the next day, I knew it was over. We lasted 2 weeks from that day, I broke up with her after she didn't say a word for 24 hours after missing our skype date, saying she had to work a double shift. I said I wanted out, she didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. So I asked her if she wants me, she has to contact me. She didn't for a month, she called, we spoke a bit, nothing clear, she said the famous: you were to kind to me, but didn't do anything. We then didn't speak for 3 months or so, until I saw pics with her in town, she came to visit and posted a lot with her friends. Got annoyed and when she wrote me in her last night to have a drink, I refused. I understood then that I wasn't that important on her list. I've never seen her from that point on in real life, we still follow each other on social media, a like or so from time to time, but sadly, we don't say even happy b-days to each other. She is different now, I think she is with a rich dude or something.

After our relationship finished I went on a crazy mode. I was angry and all I wanted was to go out and have fun, I couldn't care anymore. I had a long 8 months, until I found, or better said, she found me, the woman I am now. I love her, but I don't love her how I loved A and M, but I can't love anyone like that ever again. Not after the "I love you too fast" words. I can't come back from that. That broke the last idea of innocent and pure love, like we see in movies, like we have to believe.

I can't imagine my life without my partner, but I feel I don't belong here, in this world. 

Last year I wanted to play something for a while now and found this game Finding Paradise. I cried for the first time in 6 years. I felt the connection and the pain of the story like a dagger. I can't describe it really, but if you are interested, google it, it is something great, I promise.

I don't know, but each day I am more and more absent but present in my life. I know how it sounds, but as my body is here, my entire core is searching for a place far, far away.

I don't know what else to say but thank you that you took the time to read all of this. I hope someone else has something similar that can share.

Thank you,

All the best,

John 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Heartaches are the worst.  Just one foot in front of the other. No destination, but just keep moving.