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Fairy Tale Gone South


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Hello, I am new to loveshack

Yup, I got what I wanted: an unusual relationship that made me feel good for a few years. We got married in a small city hall in rural USA - Im Canadian shes American,-  the marriage has never worked.My wife has always had violent physical reactions, I on the otherhand strive for diplomacy and intelligence as a general rule so when I am backed into a corner I lash out verbally with little restraint dropping everything on my aggressor. My wife has thus pushed me in that corner. I was abused and neglected by my family for 25 years, i finally left home at 26 shellshocked, It took me 7 years more to come to the breaking point where I finally sought help. From 33 to my early 40s I got better, at the end my struggle with flashbacks and negative thoughts had succeeded, i was back in school to earn a degree and prepare my retirement...and I met her.

 

I have always been a bohemian so weird stuff is right up my alley so this marriage was a dream come true, everything pointed to her being a bohemian too, we married and she emigrated. Up to then I was just going through the motions, making plans for the future, organising the household, but we are both introverts and in hindsight we fell into a rut right off the bat.

 

We have both intoxicated one another, hurt each other, used each other...it's a disaster.I was so proud of her path, turning away from 30 years in a religious cult that was her only universe, travelling thousands of miles without knowing where she would end up, I still admire her so much. She trusted me and I did everything I could to make our life work and find opportunities for her. I had so much hope, I was such a lover of life, all my life, even through my family abuse I had hope and the power to imagine life the way I would like it to be.

I have had an amazing life, I was so confident.

In five years this marriage has erroded my spirit, I am back to the depreesive state I was in when I left home, I have not had decent therapeutic services in years and Ive been struggling to find something for years. i havent had complete meds for 2 months during this whole crisis so I am hurting, jamed almost frigid.

So thanks if your still reading, I have needed to unload my woes for years now.

Edited by markalone
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Sorry to hear that. Hard to tell since it's a chicken and egg dilemma 

Your depressed state may have contributed to the marital breakdown more so than the marital breakdown causing your issues.

You also picked a difficult lifestyle and a complex marital arrangement.

Read books by Steven Hassan about what cults do to people.

Oddly, she escaped a damaging cult but your bohemian lifestyle had a lot in common with that.

Get a good lawyer.

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hi thanks for responding.

This was interesting. Can you tell me how you think a bohemian lifestyle based on freedom, discovery and living life to the fullest is akin to the closed and destructive experience of a cult?

thanks for your time

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I'm not sure where "bohemian" and "fairy tale" come into play here.  She is physically violent and you have an explosive rage issue.  Your marriage didn't work.  Not surprising.  

I don't mean to be dismissive, I'm sincerely sorry.  It's clear that you're hurting.  

It would be a good idea to find counseling to help you get through this divorce and then to go deeper.  Your anger problems and other issues will probably stand in the way of relationships for you throughout your life.  

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52 minutes ago, markalone said:

hi thanks for responding.

This was interesting. Can you tell me how you think a bohemian lifestyle based on freedom, discovery and living life to the fullest is akin to the closed and destructive experience of a cult?

thanks for your time

Read the books on cults. Abusive relationships and cults have a lot in common.

Don't try to romanticize abuse as a fairy tale. Or aimlessness as glamorous.

Edited by Wiseman2
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7 hours ago, markalone said:

 the marriage has never worked.My wife has always had violent physical reactions, I on the otherhand strive for diplomacy and intelligence as a general rule so when I am backed into a corner I lash out verbally with little restraint dropping everything on my aggressor.

What?  

She's violent & you are verbally abusive.  Gee,  No wonder your marriage isn't working.  

This isn't about your traumatic childhood, her time in a cult or your bohemian life choices.  It's about neither of you having the 1st clue about how to communicate.  You are deluding yourself if you think you are diplomatic.  Lashing out verbally & "dropping everything" on the other person is not diplomatic. 

You could both benefit from some interpersonal skills.  

If you aren't willing to improve, just divorce.  

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How much do drugs and alcohol play a role in this? How much does untreated mental illness affect things?

If any of those issues exist they need to be addressed first.

Edited by Wiseman2
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