Loneheart Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 I feel like i am madly in love with my husband. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. He makes me laugh and smile all the time. Sometimes I catch myself just staring at him because i look at him and just think about how much i love him and how happy he makes me. The issue is that I have hurt him over and over again. I have lied to him, and kept things from him for years. Things I never even came out to tell him myself but that he found out on his own. I then tried to hide things, delete things, and lie about them to save myself. I was gaslighting him, and talking about him to my friends in a way I truly didn't realize I was doing. I never wanted to ever hurt this amazing man and for some reason I did multiple times. Now he is wanting a divorce from me and I dont blame him. Im not sure what is wrong with me or why I have done these things i have done or why I am this way or why I think this way that I do. I feel like i have a double life and alot of the things i kept from him i really dont remember details to. I want my husband to be happy but i have caused so much damage to him and us that its unrepairable. I dont understand how I could love someone so much and do these things. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 You don't love him, 4paws. And you don't love or respect yourself. You need healing because something very basic is wounded in you. You may idolize him, I don't know. But you don't respect yourself or him. When you find self respect you won't treat someone like this. Either you were spoiled rotten as a kid or else you were neglected and/or abused. But you probably weren't truly loved. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 Is it possible you have borderline personality disorder? Just a total guess, but I suspect people with that feel the way you do at some point. If you feel you do things to drive him away or hurt him, is it possible you learned "behavior patterns" from your FoO? The above are just total guesses. A therapist might be able to help you more, if you feel unable to stop yourself from "sabotaging" your relationships or similar. Conversely is it possible you idealize your husband and/or marriage? Just some food for thought for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2020 Share Posted August 20, 2020 If he wants a divorce, you'll need to get an attorney. Only a therapist can help you sort out the cheating and lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lee179108 Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 Do you have a mental problem? not trying to be harsh but a lot of people have one and they dont even know it... my ex gf used to hurt me and she had one.... it was only when she finally went to seek help she found out. Link to post Share on other sites
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