Settling is surely a bad idea?

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like you're doing something on the dates they don't like. Maybe do a video chat with a dating coach or online friend to get some direct feedback on how you're coming across. Lots of people are out of work these days and this shouldn't be hard to find. 

[an0nym0us123]

57 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You don't have to tell us but are there any commonalities among the dates?  Did you talk about controversial subjects?  Were you too eager for sex?   Were you rude -- even inadvertently -- to the wait staff?  

 

I would say no to all of that. Mostly just chit chat and telling each other stories from our lives. 

Id say 15 of the women were not interested full stop and told me so or ghosted.

3 or 4 were very keen after the first date but it completely fizzled after a few days and we never met again. I suspect they met someone else as they were new to tinder.

Probably half a dozen didnt  do it for me either although i could probably have seen one or 2 again.

There was one woman and she is the most perfect match i ever had in my life. Chemistry was amazing and she said as much herself. She was exactly what i was after. We had 4 dates and she ditched me. It may sound silly but she will stay with me for the rest of my life as sad as that is. She erased a whole years worth of memories of my ex gf. She completely blew her out of the water. Why did that not work out? I think she was dating someone else and she picked him. I dont think i did anything wrong during the dating process.

I met a handful more but only to see if they wanted to hook up and be fwb.

 

[d0nnivain]

Then all I can suggest is keep trying but use methods other then just OLD 

[an0nym0us123]

80% of the people i dated are still online. I suspect we are all searching for the unicorn but never finding it

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I suspect we are all searching for the unicorn but never finding it

This is what women do (not all, but.. ). It's in their DNA, they're nature's optimizers. Men mostly just want to find a good mate and live happily ever after. Men tend to accept what is available to them, whereas women hold out for the ideal. The 80/20 rule is real –– but probably more like 95/5. It's not a level playing field. This is why there are five times more men on dating sites, why women end relationships far more often than men, and... why we have men exclusively posting about being thirty-five year old virgin/INCELs, having no success whatsoever. With women it's always about not being able to find a man who meets their standards. If you browse the OM/OW section, you'll see that far more women are involved in ongoing affairs as the OW, despite there being plenty of single men available. Many of the more desirable twenty percent of men are married after a certain age, and some women go for a top-tier married man ten times faster than a leftover single. Then they go on and on about how he promised to leave his wife five years ago, but he won't and she just wants to know what to do. How often do you hear of a man in that situation––almost never. Because men adjust to what's available, and if they do get involved with a married women it's just for fun (men who bed married women are likely to be five percenters themselves).

If you want to see how this works in other primate species, read up on the mating habits of Mountain Gorillas. The dominant silverback is the only one with breeding rights, and only rarely will an up-and-cummer will sneak off and get a little (at the female's invitation). We are certainly more fluid than the Gorillas, but the similarities are apparent. 

OP I can definitely relate to your situation. I've been having a run of bad luck too. I may start another thread.

I know I'm kicking a hornet's nest, but this is not conjecture. 

Edited June 18, 2020 by salparadise

[an0nym0us123]

Sadly you have probably hit the nail on the head. I guess if you are not a chad or whatever they are called dont bother turning up.

It may be time to call it a day and just enjoy what is available in life alone. Otherwise just get jerked around 

[an0nym0us123]

Salparadise, Strangely i know a married woman who is a friend is pretty attractive and has made it pretty obvious she wants me. Probably to cheat. Does that make me a top 5% male😂

Edited June 18, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[chillii]

8 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Sadly you have probably hit the nail on the head. I guess if you are not a chad or whatever they are called dont bother turning up.

It may be time to call it a day and just enjoy what is available in life alone. Otherwise just get jerked around 

But as some of us keep pointing out round here over and over , just go watch in any busy place at all the couples. That's the real man , the real world , talk skinny fat ugly beautiful handsome short pudgy wheelchairs, jobless moneyless  a few billion couples in any possible combo you could dream up.

But yaknow , in these threads we see people mention over and over too things like what you've said right here and to me that just shows their whole perception of how things really work is their real problem .

[Weezy1973]

About 75% of adults aged 25-64 are living with a partner either married or common law. Add in people that are in relationships but not living together and you see pretty quickly that the 80/20 rule definitely does not apply.

But, amongst the remaining people that are single is it more likely that they have unrealistic expectations / are holding out for a unicorn? Probably.

[Envy123]

I don’t know. As I grew up, I thought I’d end up with someone on my level, looks and personality wise. So I constantly chased that “dream”.

Meanwhile, in secondary school, I gave up on that dream. I befriended someone, let’s call her Cathy, who I was so infatuated with. She looked like a model and acted like one too. I was so infatuated until she has shown very questionable things. Constant attention seeking, crying, doing jokes like “look at me, I’m naked!” on a webcam (I went away from my desk to facepalm so hard)... etc. After I left that school, I decided to chase the dream again, treating everyone I deem like Cathy with politeness but being a bit reserved. And what happened is only the type of girls I deem like Cathy go after me, not anyone else.

I chased the dream and turn off the “childhood dream girl”, because I try too hard and don’t respect their space. The last straw was someone who was unconventionally attractive, rejected me and was so arrogant about it. She said something along the lines of “I’m not good enough for someone classic like her”. I decided that I’d much rather date Cathy, even with the drama, than be with that “classic arrogant” person for a single second.

 

I’ve gone out with some of the girls. Yes, I’ve been dissatisfied but I will continue with what has worked all my life. And hope I’ll click with at least one of them. Is it settling? Probably, I don’t know.

 

I think it’s demographics and how you treat women, which is part of the equation. Not looks, at least as much.

[an0nym0us123]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

But as some of us keep pointing out round here over and over , just go watch in any busy place at all the couples. That's the real man , the real world , talk skinny fat ugly beautiful handsome short pudgy wheelchairs, jobless moneyless  a few billion couples in any possible combo you could dream up.

But yaknow , in these threads we see people mention over and over too things like what you've said right here and to me that just shows their whole perception of how things really work is their real problem .

 

The thing is though I am not able to date what i think is a fair match. Even the more average looking women ditch me.

The people i think i have half a chance with are not interested. I am assuming they can have much hotter men. If a woman is slim she is already high value most of the time. It does not count if a man is in shape.

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by an0nym0us123

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 6/18/2020 at 3:39 PM, an0nym0us123 said:

Sadly you have probably hit the nail on the head. I guess if you are not a chad or whatever they are called dont bother turning up.

It may be time to call it a day and just enjoy what is available in life alone. Otherwise just get jerked around 

Is this true? Look around you. Everywhere around you. Probably way more than half of the men you know, are related to or enter into are in, or have been in relationships. Are they chads?

All this PUA stuff. Chads, 20% top tier, women monkeybranching or at the very least hypergamous, women are only turned on by and demand the gorgeous men, blah blah. Sure, except...look around you. 

FWIW, seems like most of the cheaters are looking to *be appreciated again,* to be paid attention to. Not: my husband isn't as nice looking as my AP. He isn't in the top tier.

 

[basil67]

No, people should not settle.     While the word 'settling' is in their dialogue, they are looking down on others from atop their self made pedestal.  They need to reassess how they view others and how they view themselves.   When they realise that they are not as wonderful as they think they are, then everyone else starts to look more reasonable.

Being whacked upside the head with a 'reality stick' never did anyone any harm.

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

 

The people i think i have half a chance with are not interested. I am assuming they can have much hotter men.

 

If they can have much hotter men then they’re not a match. They’re out of your league. Which is why they can get hotter men then you.

[an0nym0us123]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, people should not settle.     While the word 'settling' is in their dialogue, they are looking down on others from atop their self made pedestal.  They need to reassess how they view others and how they view themselves.   When they realise that they are not as wonderful as they think they are, then everyone else starts to look more reasonable.

Being whacked upside the head with a 'reality stick' never did anyone any harm.

 

Should someone date and enter a relationship with someone they do not fancy? Simply because thats all they could get

[an0nym0us123]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

If they can have much hotter men then they’re not a match. They’re out of your league. Which is why they can get hotter men then you.

So looks matter after all then. Despite those that are struggling continually being told they are not that important. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Should someone date and enter a relationship with someone they do not fancy? Simply because thats all they could get

No, they shouldn't because it would be selfish.    If they are continually punching above and can't reconcile themselves down, they should stay single. 

[Envy123]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

So looks matter after all then. Despite those that are struggling continually being told they are not that important. 

 

I got rejected by an obese girl lately, despite me being obese too, but I’ve gone out with better looking girls than her even at my worst shape. I don’t think looks correlate with chances.

[QuietRiot]

1 minute ago, Envy123 said:

I got rejected by an obese girl lately, despite me being obese too, but I’ve gone out with better looking girls than her even at my worst shape. I don’t think looks correlate with chances.

Yep...after a time of doing online dating, I figured I'd experiment being the more average/appropriately weighted guy...I contacted some obese women to see if I'd even get a response. Still nothing.  I've actually heard from heavy women that they don't want to date thinner men because it's a reminder of how big they are and how they don't want  a man "smaller". It's analogous with height. They don't want to be bigger both vertical AND horizontal.

[Envy123]

11 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

Yep...after a time of doing online dating, I figured I'd experiment being the more average/appropriately weighted guy...I contacted some obese women to see if I'd even get a response. Still nothing.  I've actually heard from heavy women that they don't want to date thinner men because it's a reminder of how big they are and how they don't want  a man "smaller". It's analogous with height. They don't want to be bigger both vertical AND horizontal.

I heard from somewhere that in terms of compatibility, fat and thin is more likely to work out than between two fat people. I guess it does make sense - I actually lost some weight during relationships with thinner girls as I learned more about healthy lifestyle choices and we exercised together. Looking at it now, I won’t likely get the same motivation with someone who has a similar body shape as me.

On the other side, I’m on the lower end of the obese spectrum (my BMI is early 30’s) so it may seem like I’m much thinner compared to some obese girls.

Edited June 20, 2020 by Envy123

[an0nym0us123]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

No, they shouldn't because it would be selfish.    If they are continually punching above and can't reconcile themselves down, they should stay single. 

Its pretty much what i was thinking tbh. I dont know why people advise those that struggle to lower their standards because who you fancy is not a choice

[an0nym0us123]

I think the only conclusions to draw is that i am just another valueless male and unless i was prepared to massively lower my standards which would be selfish i will just have to remain single. I suppose i have misread the situation to a degree, thinking i had a chance. Other men clearly take far more to the table than i do so theres no way i would ever find someone i like because everyone else want them too. Suppose its just a case of life not being fair. 

 

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Its pretty much what i was thinking tbh. I dont know why people advise those that struggle to lower their standards because who you fancy is not a choice

Right....there was this real life woman that I know that wanted to set me up with her friend. She gave me a link to her FB profile to get a look, and she turned out to be someone I had seen on PLenty of Fish.

She said she put in a good word and let her friend know that I'd be messaging her. 

Appearance-wise, she had some weight on her...this would normally turn off a thinner man, but she had cute facial expressions and her profile really matched up with with what I liked and believed. I got a feeling we'd have endless conversations about a lot of things based on her profile. She said she is into craft beer, movie buff, and all things Disney. A lot of geeky stuff. I thought I"d be a real shoe in...and equal in looks and other things.

I sent he a message indicating that I was the friend of her friend. INtroducing myself..."Seen..." but no reply. I go, "Hello, you there?"  "Seen" but nothing.

I go back to my friend that set me up, and she goes, "Hm, I'll check with her". She responded dthat she simply wasn't attracted. I thought to myself, "Wow, she isn't much to write home herself".  I thought what harm would it be not to even give it a quick meet n greet. Drinks or whatever, but she wasnt even willing to do that. Was kind of rude that she would just "see" my messages and ignore me...considering that her friend put me in touch with her...so lack of common courtesy there as it wasn't a typical cold approach via an online dating site.

 

[an0nym0us123]

When i had a paid for pof account it would tell you if the message was read. Some of the women i messaged were absolutely nothing special. And would delete my message without even reading it. I wonder what sort of guys they were actually after

 

[QuietRiot]

1 minute ago, an0nym0us123 said:

When i had a paid for pof account it would tell you if the message was read. Some of the women i messaged were absolutely nothing special. And would delete my message without even reading it. I wonder what sort of guys they were actually after

 

Yeah, I was on POF since the days you could actually look at the "read/delete" and "unread/deletes" where you didn't have to pay.  Quite a few UNREAD/Deletes that's for sure...quite the slap in the face. You were like a fart in the wind to them. lol