inappropriate relationships/infidelity

[merrmeade]

12 hours ago, 4paws said:

I would say alot of my lying has been out of fear. I automatically assumed I knew how my husband would react to things making everything worse than it needed to be. I dont lie about everything so I don't think I have a underlying issue. But im not a professional.

So please be careful: "...my lying has been out of fear" will absolutely start up the knee-jerk reactions of jealous, controlling husband again. So fear of what?  Fear of him or fear of losing him?

[Loneheart]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

So please be careful: "...my lying has been out of fear" will absolutely start up the knee-jerk reactions of jealous, controlling husband again. So fear of what?  Fear of him or fear of losing him?

Sorry, fear of losing him. I guess also fear of making him angry with me, but only because I hate confrontation. He would never lay a hand on me. It gives me extreme anxiety which is another reason why I think I've been handling this all poorly.

[merrmeade]

Okay, look: I think your therapist will make much faster headway with you than we're doing. Your anxiety is because of what you don't know or understand in my opinion. S/he should help with that. S/he will ask you why at appropriate times and other questions to get you to see.

However, before that you could maybe get your husband to help you understand. First, you have to make him believe you really don't get it. I don't know though. Maybe it's better to let the therapist guide you there, too.

You see, from the beginning, you have never wavered about the fact that you did something wrong, but you can't really explain it. We ask you target questions and you answer in a way that raises more questions.  So people have inferred pretty much on the basis of what each person has experienced. You've gotten conjectures from - you had an emotional relationship with each man - to - your husband is abusive, jealous and controlling and you should be able to have male friends. I think we don't need a judgment as much as you need to understand how your husband feels about it, what actually hurt him and then how YOU would feel if he were doing the same thing and you didn't know about it. 

Edited November 16, 2020 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

So I'll add this observation:

My husband shared over 1000 texts and hundreds of emails and calls with the AP. They were in touch in some way most of every day for 2-3 years. He knew that the sex was wrong but steadfastly maintained that the calls were just "chit chat," the texts were work related and otherwise trivial. Like you, he really wasn't sure what was wrong with them and also didn't remember. He was afraid of losing me and being exposed to his children and family members, but he really didn't know or understand himself or how things went wrong. I read all the emails (even though I lost the texts), talked to him and asked lots of questions, read books, talked to therapists and finally understood enough, I felt. This is what anyone has to do to understand the psychological dynamics for everyone involved. It's very hard, painful and involves learning and painful admissions for everyone. My husband never did the work. He let me do it. After a while, I even got tired of sharing it with him. That was more work than I wanted to do at some point. He has a PhD in rug-sweeping, and I just got tired of making him accountable.  I don't want to get off in reconciliation details but will say that it's now or never if you want an honest relationship with your partner that is deep, rewarding and always improving. For that, you have to be able to honest and open with yourself and with him. You have to understand how your actions affect others. You have to communicate what you need and recognize his needs. 

So again, I say let your therapist do this work with you. 

 

[Pottering About]

Merrmead- .You see, from the beginning, you have never wavered about the fact that you did something wrong, but you can't really explain it. We ask you target questions and you answer in a way that raises more questions.  So people have inferred pretty much on the basis of what each person has experienced. You've gotten conjectures from - you had an emotional relationship with each man - to - your husband is abusive, jealous and controlling and you should be able to have male friends. I think we don't need a judgment as much as you need to understand how your husband feels about it, what actually hurt him and then how YOU would feel if he were doing the same thing and you didn't know about it. 
 

Merrmead makes a very good point here and I can give you an example. In your original post you said your divorce from your ex was in September 2014 and you maintained contact for 9 months after that. You also said you never had a physical relationship with your ex during this period. I asked you whether you had met your ex after your divorce and your one liner was that you had not seen your ex since 2015 which is during the time you were maintaining an illicit contact. Can’t you see how that half answer opens up conjecture and, to be honest, does not make you look very good.

I do wish you well and hope this example helps you in looking at how you may be perceived by others.

 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Pottering About
Update

[Loneheart]

On 11/16/2020 at 3:30 PM, Pottering About said:

Merrmead- .You see, from the beginning, you have never wavered about the fact that you did something wrong, but you can't really explain it. We ask you target questions and you answer in a way that raises more questions.  So people have inferred pretty much on the basis of what each person has experienced. You've gotten conjectures from - you had an emotional relationship with each man - to - your husband is abusive, jealous and controlling and you should be able to have male friends. I think we don't need a judgment as much as you need to understand how your husband feels about it, what actually hurt him and then how YOU would feel if he were doing the same thing and you didn't know about it. 
 

Merrmead makes a very good point here and I can give you an example. In your original post you said your divorce from your ex was in September 2014 and you maintained contact for 9 months after that. You also said you never had a physical relationship with your ex during this period. I asked you whether you had met your ex after your divorce and your one liner was that you had not seen your ex since 2015 which is during the time you were maintaining an illicit contact. Can’t you see how that half answer opens up conjecture and, to be honest, does not make you look very good.

I do wish you well and hope this example helps you in looking at how you may be perceived by others.

 

 

I'm struggling with all of this because I am so very confused. In my Google timeline it shows me at my ex husbands house a few times but I honestly don't remember them. I was shocked when I saw myself there because I have no recollection of it whatsoever. My original thought was maybe I was getting cell phone money from him since he was on my account still, but I have no clue.

I do know for 100% fact that I have never slept with him or had any physical reactions with him of any kind. I am really scared at how little I remember. So scared that ive made an appointment with my Dr. Im not trying to make excuses and I truly don't remember anything. Almost everything my husband has discovered i didnt bring to him because I really dont remember it ever happening. 

I'm terrified of losing my husband because he is the absolute love of my life. Its hard to think I could just do all of these things and hurt him like I have. I fight the battle with myself that he deserves better than me but at the same time I feel like noone will love him like I really love him, and that I am who he is supposed to be with.

[Loneheart]

On 11/16/2020 at 12:54 PM, merrmeade said:

So I'll add this observation:

My husband shared over 1000 texts and hundreds of emails and calls with the AP. They were in touch in some way most of every day for 2-3 years. He knew that the sex was wrong but steadfastly maintained that the calls were just "chit chat," the texts were work related and otherwise trivial. Like you, he really wasn't sure what was wrong with them and also didn't remember. He was afraid of losing me and being exposed to his children and family members, but he really didn't know or understand himself or how things went wrong. I read all the emails (even though I lost the texts), talked to him and asked lots of questions, read books, talked to therapists and finally understood enough, I felt. This is what anyone has to do to understand the psychological dynamics for everyone involved. It's very hard, painful and involves learning and painful admissions for everyone. My husband never did the work. He let me do it. After a while, I even got tired of sharing it with him. That was more work than I wanted to do at some point. He has a PhD in rug-sweeping, and I just got tired of making him accountable.  I don't want to get off in reconciliation details but will say that it's now or never if you want an honest relationship with your partner that is deep, rewarding and always improving. For that, you have to be able to honest and open with yourself and with him. You have to understand how your actions affect others. You have to communicate what you need and recognize his needs. 

So again, I say let your therapist do this work with you. 

 

I'm still on the lookout for a fitting therapist. I had a telehealth call with one Tuesday and she couldn't even keep her eyes open. I asked her before we met if I could send her an email letting her know everything because its alot. The day that we did our meeting she openly told me she hadn't read it all. I knew from there it was off to a bad start.

From there on she kept closing her eyes and seemed under the influence of something, im not trying to judge. She hardly said anything to me the whole time. I told her what my issues with my last therapist were and she was doing the same thing. Basically the only thing she told me and I quote "you are stuck in the mud and im going to take the hose to you and wash you off" we ended the call early and I told her I didnt want to schedule another appointment.

I made an appointment for next week with another therapist and im hoping I have better luck. I want so badly to help my husband heal with or without me but I hope it will always and forever be with me.

[Loneheart]

On 11/16/2020 at 12:54 PM, merrmeade said:

So I'll add this observation:

My husband shared over 1000 texts and hundreds of emails and calls with the AP. They were in touch in some way most of every day for 2-3 years. He knew that the sex was wrong but steadfastly maintained that the calls were just "chit chat," the texts were work related and otherwise trivial. Like you, he really wasn't sure what was wrong with them and also didn't remember. He was afraid of losing me and being exposed to his children and family members, but he really didn't know or understand himself or how things went wrong. I read all the emails (even though I lost the texts), talked to him and asked lots of questions, read books, talked to therapists and finally understood enough, I felt. This is what anyone has to do to understand the psychological dynamics for everyone involved. It's very hard, painful and involves learning and painful admissions for everyone. My husband never did the work. He let me do it. After a while, I even got tired of sharing it with him. That was more work than I wanted to do at some point. He has a PhD in rug-sweeping, and I just got tired of making him accountable.  I don't want to get off in reconciliation details but will say that it's now or never if you want an honest relationship with your partner that is deep, rewarding and always improving. For that, you have to be able to honest and open with yourself and with him. You have to understand how your actions affect others. You have to communicate what you need and recognize his needs. 

So again, I say let your therapist do this work with you. 

 

I feel like I'm in a glass box trying to scream at the top of my lungs for help and I can see that everyone can hear me but they can't see me. I am just as in the dark as my husband and I wish it wasnt like that. I dont care how it would make me look I just want to let him know everything and it hurts and its so frustrating that I cant.

[SRCSRC]

4paws.  It is a little disconcerting that you do not recall going over to your ex-husband's house after you married your husband.  You may want to investigate that issue with your therapist.  I have skipped much of the suggestions so forgive me if what I have to say is repetitive.  Your husband's biggest concerns are that you may have been physical with either of these men or may have had an emotional affair with them.  It has been suggested many times in other similar posts  (I used this method with my ex-wife in trying to determine the truth) that the WS submit to a polygraph test.  Have you made that suggestion to your husband?  The entire problem is based on your husband's lack of trust in the validity of your story.   A polygraph would go a long way to alleviating his deepest suspicions.  

 

[peachpie]

4Paws, sadly I am in your husband’s shoes. My husband had years of “innocent “ frequent texts and home visits behind my back with my next door neighbor. It was me who begged him to stay away from her due to her bad reputation 4 years ago!!  He promised he would and insisted he was - for years - but he lied. It was me who discovered the texts on the phone bill and phone call evidence the past 4 years when I frequently inquired if something was going on. It was me begging for the truth when I discovered this and he”doesn’t recall specifics.” He’s scared of losing me, as well.

his vagueness, as is your vagueness with your husband, is 100% suspicious. And although we are trying to move on, our vows are ruined because it’s always in the back of my head that I will never believe him again. It truly makes me sad. There’s many nights I cry about it and he has no idea.

it’s weird because as the victim of this, I would say 90% of the people on here straight out tell me my husband is a total creep and to divorce him as the trust is gone.

I constantly wonder that if the texts were SO innocent, I would have known about them. If the home visits were to help her fix her son’s toy, it could have waited for me to be home from work. Everything was hidden. Hiding is cheating.

my gut feeling is you held on to your exhusband because you still loved him and wanted him to still love you and you were using him as a backup in case your new marriage failed. I also think your secret male work friendship was to flirt and boost your self esteem and to make an emotional connection because your current husband isn’t the right man for you. 

I keep saying to myself that the neighbor was more important to him than me as he chose his “friendship”  with her over honesty with me.

what also KILLS me, as I am sure it kills your husband, is this woman KNEW my husband was keeping secrets from me, so for 4 years they held a secret bond. I feel sad and embarrassed. I am sure your husband feels the same way.

Edited November 21, 2020 by matildag

[peachpie]

4Paws, I also don’t understand why the male nurse friend wasn’t out in the open? He’s an older work colleague you hit it off with. I don’t know why he could not have been friends with you AND your husband? What was the need to talk privately with this man AFTER work hours? Was this nurse married?

if he was, you and your husband could have been couple friends with him and his wife.

I feel the same way as your husband. My husband is not telling me the truth of why it was a secret. It can’t be “innocent “ AND a “secret.” That doesn’t make sense.

[merrmeade]

Those are good things to try and sort out about the ex-worker interactions. 

Also regarding your ex: Wasn’t there some unfinished business with him at that time? How was he feeling about your new boyfriend?  Didn’t you kind of stepped out early on the ex - before the divorce - with the current husband? What was that about? How did the ex take it? How and when did he find out? Were your phone conversations with him taken up with explaining that to him, what you’d done, when kind of like you’re doing right now? 

When you were asked why you kept on talking to your ex, you said something like you were just used to it or used to him. Did you mean  you were used to your routines and surroundings with the ex, which included talking together, and not so used to your now husband? Kind of like moving to a new city and new house and everything is so new. You wanted what was familiar.

This leads me to the other side to the WHY questions, which is - why did THEY WANT to talk to you so much? Just make some guesses. What do you think they got out of it? What was each one’s interest? The co-worker might have had more physical attraction than you realized. 

Edited November 21, 2020 by merrmeade

[Loneheart]

On 11/20/2020 at 2:34 PM, SRCSRC said:

4paws.  It is a little disconcerting that you do not recall going over to your ex-husband's house after you married your husband.  You may want to investigate that issue with your therapist.  I have skipped much of the suggestions so forgive me if what I have to say is repetitive.  Your husband's biggest concerns are that you may have been physical with either of these men or may have had an emotional affair with them.  It has been suggested many times in other similar posts  (I used this method with my ex-wife in trying to determine the truth) that the WS submit to a polygraph test.  Have you made that suggestion to your husband?  The entire problem is based on your husband's lack of trust in the validity of your story.   A polygraph would go a long way to alleviating his deepest suspicions.  

 

I didnt go to my ex husband's house after we were married. That happened 5-6 years ago, we have only been married a little over a year. We were however dating at the time.

I have taken a polygraph test. I paid for it myself and took my husband so he could talk to the guy that did it and choose the questions he wanted answered. I passed the polygraph without the slightest bit of a lie. The issue is that due to my lack of memory, one of the questions I answered turned out to be a lie because I never remembered it so when I answered I felt that I knew for a fact no I have never been alone with another man that my husband didn't know about. Because of that one thing my husband feels like my whole polygraph is invalid.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, 4paws said:

my husband feels like my whole polygraph is invalid.

He's right. It's nonsense . That's why it's not used in forensics/courts of law. It "proves" absolutely nothing. 

"Although there is some debate in the scientific community regarding the efficacy of polygraphs, assessments of polygraphy by scientific and government bodies generally suggest that polygraphs are inaccurate, may be defeated by countermeasures, and are an imperfect or invalid means of assessing truthfulness. 

Despite claims of 90% validity by polygraph advocates, the National Research Council has found no evidence of effectiveness. In particular, studies have indicated that the relevant–irrelevant questioning technique is not ideal, as many innocent subjects exert a heightened physiological reaction to the crime-relevant questions.

The American Psychological Association states "Most psychologists agree that there is little evidence that polygraph tests can accurately detect lies."

[Loneheart]

On 11/21/2020 at 8:59 AM, matildag said:

4Paws, sadly I am in your husband’s shoes. My husband had years of “innocent “ frequent texts and home visits behind my back with my next door neighbor. It was me who begged him to stay away from her due to her bad reputation 4 years ago!!  He promised he would and insisted he was - for years - but he lied. It was me who discovered the texts on the phone bill and phone call evidence the past 4 years when I frequently inquired if something was going on. It was me begging for the truth when I discovered this and he”doesn’t recall specifics.” He’s scared of losing me, as well.

his vagueness, as is your vagueness with your husband, is 100% suspicious. And although we are trying to move on, our vows are ruined because it’s always in the back of my head that I will never believe him again. It truly makes me sad. There’s many nights I cry about it and he has no idea.

it’s weird because as the victim of this, I would say 90% of the people on here straight out tell me my husband is a total creep and to divorce him as the trust is gone.

I constantly wonder that if the texts were SO innocent, I would have known about them. If the home visits were to help her fix her son’s toy, it could have waited for me to be home from work. Everything was hidden. Hiding is cheating.

my gut feeling is you held on to your exhusband because you still loved him and wanted him to still love you and you were using him as a backup in case your new marriage failed. I also think your secret male work friendship was to flirt and boost your self esteem and to make an emotional connection because your current husband isn’t the right man for you. 

I keep saying to myself that the neighbor was more important to him than me as he chose his “friendship”  with her over honesty with me.

what also KILLS me, as I am sure it kills your husband, is this woman KNEW my husband was keeping secrets from me, so for 4 years they held a secret bond. I feel sad and embarrassed. I am sure your husband feels the same way.

He has expressed alot of those same feelings as you. Im so sorry that you have and are still dealing with this. I know it's hard, even being the one in the other seat, I see the toll it takes on my husband. I am still very confused about why I've done what I've done and even what have I done? I'm working on it every day but sadly my husband can't get passed the fact that its been 10 months of us dealing with this and he has not been able to start healing because im unable to answer his questions. The hardest part for me is not being able to answer them for him. Im not doing it to hide anything or lie anymore. I truly can't remember and don't know exactly what my relationship was with my co worker. 

I recently told my husband that though I've never regretted our time together and have always loved him I wonder if I just didnt give myself time to grow and deal with myself after my divorce. That maybe we jumped into a serious relationship when I might not have really been ready. Im hoping my therapist can help me sort everything out.

[Loneheart]

On 11/21/2020 at 9:23 AM, matildag said:

4Paws, I also don’t understand why the male nurse friend wasn’t out in the open? He’s an older work colleague you hit it off with. I don’t know why he could not have been friends with you AND your husband? What was the need to talk privately with this man AFTER work hours? Was this nurse married?

if he was, you and your husband could have been couple friends with him and his wife.

I feel the same way as your husband. My husband is not telling me the truth of why it was a secret. It can’t be “innocent “ AND a “secret.” That doesn’t make sense.

I have discovered that something I do with my husband is think out how I THINK he is going to act and respond to things and situations before giving him a chance to. I also realized every situation i create on how he will react is pretty much always negative. Im not sure why i do it or what causes it. I still battle with doing it even after ive realized i do it. I think that i do or say something play out in my head his reaction and since its always negative decide its best to just keep it from him. And i know that is completely horrible but its another thing im working on. He was married. 

[Loneheart]

On 11/21/2020 at 5:56 PM, merrmeade said:

Those are good things to try and sort out about the ex-worker interactions. 

Also regarding your ex: Wasn’t there some unfinished business with him at that time? How was he feeling about your new boyfriend?  Didn’t you kind of stepped out early on the ex - before the divorce - with the current husband? What was that about? How did the ex take it? How and when did he find out? Were your phone conversations with him taken up with explaining that to him, what you’d done, when kind of like you’re doing right now? 

When you were asked why you kept on talking to your ex, you said something like you were just used to it or used to him. Did you mean  you were used to your routines and surroundings with the ex, which included talking together, and not so used to your now husband? Kind of like moving to a new city and new house and everything is so new. You wanted what was familiar.

This leads me to the other side to the WHY questions, which is - why did THEY WANT to talk to you so much? Just make some guesses. What do you think they got out of it? What was each one’s interest? The co-worker might have had more physical attraction than you realized. 

I sent you a message, but I will address that we worked with my best friend and she had told me that the mle nurse asked her how he could get with me or something along those lines. She told him I was in a happy relationship and then she told me what he said. I dont ever recall us talking about it nor do I ever recall him acting on it. He had also told me him and his wife were having issues, but I never had any intention of being with him or having any kind of romantic relationship with him whatsoever. 

My ex husband never wanted a divorce. He still loved me and wanted to stay married. I told him I was done but I also felt guilt from cheating on him. I never told my ex husband I cheated on him because him and my husband now had alot of the same friends even though they weren't really friends. It would've created more issues for my husband so we never told him or anyone other than our friends. 

During all of this my husband called my ex out of anger and told him that we had cheated on him. I didnt try to stop him, I just let him do what he felt he needed to do. Later we found out that apparently my ex had also not been faithful to me, but it never bothered me once I found out.

[HappilyMarried]

On 10/22/2020 at 1:58 AM, 4paws said:

It started because I went out for a friend's birthday and stayed out til 4 due to events that happened that night. He heard my friends neighbor asking everyone to keep it down and thats what caused him to go through my phone records.

I have a question the above quote you say this is what started your husband to check of the phone records. Why were you out to 4:00am? Did you stay out that late without even a call or text to your husband? Telling him what was up so he would not be worried? Also, did you tell him everything about that night? Who all was there? The entire issue that caused you not to get home until 4 in the morning? I was just curious why nothing more was mentioned about this night when it was what started this entire problem. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

One final comment, if you did tell your husband about the events that caused you to be out until 4 in the morning he must not have believed it to still go and check the phone records. Plus after checking the phone records there must have been something in the current phone records and did not go with what you had said for him to start checking back even further into the phone records just my observation.

Edited December 14, 2020 by HappilyMarried

[merrmeade]

On 12/7/2020 at 7:31 AM, 4paws said:

I have taken a polygraph test. I paid for it myself and took my husband so he could talk to the guy that did it and choose the questions he wanted answered. I passed the polygraph without the slightest bit of a lie. The issue is that due to my lack of memory, one of the questions I answered turned out to be a lie because I never remembered it so when I answered I felt that I knew for a fact no I have never been alone with another man that my husband didn't know about. Because of that one thing my husband feels like my whole polygraph is invalid.

The fact is that your defense mechanisms - your mind - works this out at the time so that you believe there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. Therefore, you passed the polygraph. 

Who wrote the questions for the test? There's a big difference between -  Did you have sex?  VS  Was Mr. X interested in you as more than a friend?

You DO remember the red flags. You've told us that (1) coworker told your best friend he was interested in you. (2) coworker confided his own marriage problems to you. (FYI - Confiding marriage problems is a red flag. It is "what they do" - meaning what people say to justify cheating on their spouses. It's an old approach, many times used with many variations.) Some part of you knows this is worth remembering. That means some part of you knew then which is WHY you kept it a secret from your husband.

 

 

- 

[merrmeade]

 

On 12/7/2020 at 7:49 AM, 4paws said:

I have discovered that something I do with my husband is think out how I THINK he is going to act and respond to things and situations before giving him a chance to. I also realized every situation i create on how he will react is pretty much always negative. Im not sure why i do it or what causes it. I still battle with doing it even after ive realized i do it. I think that i do or say something play out in my head his reaction and since its always negative decide its best to just keep it from him. And i know that is completely horrible but its another thing im working on. He was married. 

 

On 12/7/2020 at 7:58 AM, 4paws said:

I sent you a message, but I will address that we worked with my best friend and she had told me that the mle nurse asked her how he could get with me or something along those lines. She told him I was in a happy relationship and then she told me what he said. I dont ever recall us talking about it nor do I ever recall him acting on it. He had also told me him and his wife were having issues, but I never had any intention of being with him or having any kind of romantic relationship with him whatsoever. 

My ex husband never wanted a divorce. He still loved me and wanted to stay married. I told him I was done but I also felt guilt from cheating on him. I never told my ex husband I cheated on him because him and my husband now had alot of the same friends even though they weren't really friends. It would've created more issues for my husband so we never told him or anyone other than our friends. 

During all of this my husband called my ex out of anger and told him that we had cheated on him. I didnt try to stop him, I just let him do what he felt he needed to do. Later we found out that apparently my ex had also not been faithful to me, but it never bothered me once I found out.

Yes, I answered. 

This is a mess. Everybody in this story lies. Everybody cheats. Nobody has boundaries. Your husband, from what you've said, has crossed fewer lines, however. Let's compare:

You:  (1) cheated on ex-husband with current H. (2) lied to ex- about hooking up with H. (3) lied to H about talking to/seeing ex-. (4) lie so much that you seriously, sincerely believe you can't remember things. This is lying by any other name: "think out how I THINK he is going to act and respond to things and ... decide its best to just keep it from him." 

Your ex-: (1) cheated on you 

Male coworker: (1) admitted to your friend he wanted to "get with" you, (2) did everything possible to have a relationship with you - communicated often, exploited every opportunity to engage, confided personal information, at the very least was having an emotional relationship with you. 

Your husband: (1) cheated on your ex- with you, (2) lied to you when he said he hadn't called ex (in another thread) 

You won.

The only thing that needs to happen is for you to get a professional to show you difference between reality and how you mentally interpret reality. If you live in the mental interpretation, to you it's reality. To everyone else, it's a lie.

[SRCSRC]

4paws, I'll admit that I haven't read all the comments, but have followed most of your responses.  But, from your last couple of entries, you have now revealed that (1) you cheated on your ex-husband, (2) your present husband was the AP in your cheating (3) your ex-husband cheated on you.  (4) your married male nurse friend had the hots for you and wants to hook up. Ok, no one in this group of characters is a saint.  Your husband has trouble trusting you because you cheated on your prior husband.  But your present husband is no pillar of virtue in that he was the cheating partner.  Also, you must have realized at some level that the male nurse liked you in a romantic way.  You should have nipped that in the bud immediately, but you didn't.  You simply have to clean up your act.  No more male friends, and no more cheating.  That goes for your husband too.  What you have done, if you have given us the entire picture, is not the end of the world.  But your past history of infidelity of which your husband was a participant,  coupled with your inappropriate bonding with the male nurse and questionable contact with the ex-husband makes you an unsafe partner. Honestly, I wouldn't trust you nor would I trust your husband to stay faithful over the long hall.  You both need to knock it off, commit to each other,  remain honest and keep a healthy distance from the opposite sex.  That means no male friends for you and no female friends for him.  But, basically, everyone in this story is a cheater so I have lost empathy for you, your husband, the ex-husband, and the male nurse.    

Edited December 17, 2020 by SRCSRC

[Loneheart]

On 12/14/2020 at 2:08 AM, HappilyMarried said:

I have a question the above quote you say this is what started your husband to check of the phone records. Why were you out to 4:00am? Did you stay out that late without even a call or text to your husband? Telling him what was up so he would not be worried? Also, did you tell him everything about that night? Who all was there? The entire issue that caused you not to get home until 4 in the morning? I was just curious why nothing more was mentioned about this night when it was what started this entire problem. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

One final comment, if you did tell your husband about the events that caused you to be out until 4 in the morning he must not have believed it to still go and check the phone records. Plus after checking the phone records there must have been something in the current phone records and did not go with what you had said for him to start checking back even further into the phone records just my observation.

That night wasnt a huge issue as weird as it is to say. In the moment of hearing a man's voice in the background it got him scrambling to figure out but angry enough to where he couldn't listen to me. I didnt realize how late it was due to the events that went on that night. There were 2 fights and we went to 2 different bars and then I helped get them home and the next thing I knew it was 4am. 

I dont drink, I never have. Im not a party girl and I dont stay out late. Me never staying out late made him think. Ive never been in a situation like that before and the main thing on my mind was my friend and that was it. 

As soon as my husband called me I got my best friend and we went home. I didnt talk to him when I got home because it was so late and he always tells me he doesn't want to talk when he is angry. The next morning I woke up to him telling me he wanted a divorce. (This is before knowing anything else).

He tracked my phone that night and I didnt understand how until the next night or so he posted something mean on FB about me so I went to go talk to a mutual friend (who is a girl). When I came home he asked where I went and I lied and said I went for a drive. He then showed me he knew I was lying because he tracked my phone. I told him I lied because I didnt want him to get mad at me for talking to our friend. It was a stupid reason to lie, but that 1 lie is what switched him to look into other things. 

I told him the truth about that night. The only thing I kept from his was that there were 2 fights. I kept that from him because I knew he would have said something about me going to another bar after a fight had broke out. Now he believes everything i told him about that night,  so thats why its not really a huge issue.

[Loneheart]

5 hours ago, merrmeade said:

The fact is that your defense mechanisms - your mind - works this out at the time so that you believe there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. Therefore, you passed the polygraph. 

Who wrote the questions for the test? There's a big difference between -  Did you have sex?  VS  Was Mr. X interested in you as more than a friend?

You DO remember the red flags. You've told us that (1) coworker told your best friend he was interested in you. (2) coworker confided his own marriage problems to you. (FYI - Confiding marriage problems is a red flag. It is "what they do" - meaning what people say to justify cheating on their spouses. It's an old approach, many times used with many variations.) Some part of you knows this is worth remembering. That means some part of you knew then which is WHY you kept it a secret from your husband.

 

 

- 

The man that did the test set up the questions with my husband. He could only ask me so many questions and word them certain ways so they would be more accurate. He generalized all the questions to be with any man. But even though I passed the test I failed because I didnt remember going to the other guys house more than once. My husband knew about one time because I told him and a girl from work went with me.

I see them as red flags now, but before I saw it as a friend wanting to confide in me and thats it. I felt that my friend told him it was never going to happen so I thought he just accepted that.

I truly feel that my reasoning behind hiding that relationship was purely based on me assuming my husband wouldn't be ok with it. Thats an issue I've been eorkingon in therapy. My therapist feels that I have a better relationship with men than women and I always have so to me it was just that. But as I work with my therapist and we dig up any other possible reason I want to let it be known. I dont want to hide behind answers that I dont fully know or understand. 

[Loneheart]

5 hours ago, merrmeade said:

 

 

Yes, I answered. 

This is a mess. Everybody in this story lies. Everybody cheats. Nobody has boundaries. Your husband, from what you've said, has crossed fewer lines, however. Let's compare:

You:  (1) cheated on ex-husband with current H. (2) lied to ex- about hooking up with H. (3) lied to H about talking to/seeing ex-. (4) lie so much that you seriously, sincerely believe you can't remember things. This is lying by any other name: "think out how I THINK he is going to act and respond to things and ... decide its best to just keep it from him." 

Your ex-: (1) cheated on you 

Male coworker: (1) admitted to your friend he wanted to "get with" you, (2) did everything possible to have a relationship with you - communicated often, exploited every opportunity to engage, confided personal information, at the very least was having an emotional relationship with you. 

Your husband: (1) cheated on your ex- with you, (2) lied to you when he said he hadn't called ex (in another thread) 

You won.

The only thing that needs to happen is for you to get a professional to show you difference between reality and how you mentally interpret reality. If you live in the mental interpretation, to you it's reality. To everyone else, it's a lie.

I see that and how everything is coming to light and how I see myself now, I dont want that. I dont want to be that person and I hate that I was ever that person. I hate that I could do these things to my husband to begin with and not even notice the damage I was doing. 

[Loneheart]

1 hour ago, SRCSRC said:

4paws, I'll admit that I haven't read all the comments, but have followed most of your responses.  But, from your last couple of entries, you have now revealed that (1) you cheated on your ex-husband, (2) your present husband was the AP in your cheating (3) your ex-husband cheated on you.  (4) your married male nurse friend had the hots for you and wants to hook up. Ok, no one in this group of characters is a saint.  Your husband has trouble trusting you because you cheated on your prior husband.  But your present husband is no pillar of virtue in that he was the cheating partner.  Also, you must have realized at some level that the male nurse liked you in a romantic way.  You should have nipped that in the bud immediately, but you didn't.  You simply have to clean up your act.  No more male friends, and no more cheating.  That goes for your husband too.  What you have done, if you have given us the entire picture, is not the end of the world.  But your past history of infidelity of which your husband was a participant,  coupled with your inappropriate bonding with the male nurse and questionable contact with the ex-husband makes you an unsafe partner. Honestly, I wouldn't trust you nor would I trust your husband to stay faithful over the long hall.  You both need to knock it off, commit to each other,  remain honest and keep a healthy distance from the opposite sex.  That means no male friends for you and no female friends for him.  But, basically, everyone in this story is a cheater so I have lost empathy for you, your husband, the ex-husband, and the male nurse.    

I see your point. I dont plan on befriending anyone of the opposite sex. I have a guard up now and I want to do everything I can to protect me and my husband. However y husband has stated he is moving out and he wants a divorce. I still plan to follow my recovery and keep my guard up.