Loneheart Posted June 14, 2020 Share Posted June 14, 2020 Today I am married to my amazing husband. We have been married 9 months. We have been together since December 2013. When we started dating I was separated from my ex husband. My ex husband and I finally divorced in September 2014. I continually talked to my ex husband for almost 9 months after our divorce was final. We have no kids or anything involved to be needing to talk for so long. However I wanted to try to stay friends with him. My husband now didnt want me to be friends with my ex husband so he told me i can stay friends with my ex but he won't stick around if I do. So I told him I would no longer talk to him but i did for almost 9 months. I kept it and hid it from my husband now. All the way up until now 2020 when he found out on his own going through our old phone records. I was shocked when he brought it to my attention because I honestly didn't remember talking to my ex husband for as long as I did. I never had a physical relationship with my ex husband once me and my now husband got together. But I still hid this relationship with my ex from my husband. In september 2014 I started working a new job and became very close with my male nurse. We worked 1 on 1 with each other every day. I never felt physically attracted to him, he was also alot older than me about 15 years or so. We talked and text all the time. Long conversations over the phone. This relationship was also not physical at all. But it was inappropriate because I never told my now husband about him. My husband found out about him the same way he did with my ex through the phone records. Now that its 2020 I have been confronted with these inappropriate relationships I had that i kept secret for 5-6 years. My husband needs to heal and i kept lying to him about these relationships. Lie after lie. He wants to know details and i just don't remember anything. He wants to know conversations i had with them and why there was a need to have these relationships and hide them and lie to him about them and i feel lost because i want to be qble to give him details and information so he can heal and move forward but I cant remember anything. I dont know what to do but im about to lose my husband and I dont want that. He feels like I never loved him and he has been so good through all of this but he is so angry and hurt. He cries every day and I cant bare to see him in so much pain but he feels like I'm not helping him since I can't give him details. We have been going to therapy but it hasn't really helped any. If anyone has any advice please let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 So why were you doing this? If it was not physical, it was not about sex or attraction, why were you having these intense "relationships" with these guys and then keeping it a secret from your husband? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Have there been others since then? Sounds to me like you attached emotionally to these men (could it have as easily been women? Only you know) during an emotionally tumultuous time in your life and your husband might be overreacting, at least about the nurse. Your ex? He asked you not to talk to him and you went behind his back. But....have there been any more? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 It doesn’t sound like these relationships are inappropriate. I can see his fear about the ex but time has shown he had nothing to fear. About the co-worker, if you’re co-worker was female would it matter? Platonic friendships can arise no matter the gender, as well as sexual ones. I get why you may hide these things, he’s jealous and likely can’t imagine men and women just being friends. So he would have told you not to be friends with the guy at work if you told him. What is therapy saying about his need for details? For it to be such a soul destroying need, to equate it with you never loved him, is disturbing, not balanced or secure. His unfounded jealousy is destroying him. If it was all platonic he should get over it and work on why you had to hide it from him. Why he can’t abide you having male friends. You had intense purely platonic friendships with someone besides him, so what? Oh they happen to be the same gender as him, so now it’s some twisted narrative in his head that men and women can never be just friends. Yes you didn’t tell because you knew he was jealous like this. Sad that had to happen, but your “wrong” in hiding it is no greater and less than his “wrong” in saying you can’t have male friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 To gain into what your husband is feeling imagine if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you be feeling exactly like your husband? Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Roll reversal is one way to understand what your hubby is going through. The question remains ‘Why did you need to maintain both relationships with your exH as well as your male nurse friend’. Addressing that may give you more to offer. But BS is looking at what you did, your emotions as to why you needed to: as well as your emotional disconnect from hubby. Also how you were able to lie so convincingly over the years. Just my opinion. One day at a time Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Have there been others since then? Sounds to me like you attached emotionally to these men (could it have as easily been women? Only you know) during an emotionally tumultuous time in your life and your husband might be overreacting, at least about the nurse. Your ex? He asked you not to talk to him and you went behind his back. But....have there been any more? Why would you assume her husband is overreacting to her secret relationships with other men that she admits to continuing to lie about? Too often women come here looking for help to navigate bad situations they have gotten themselves into and are rushed with posts on possible ways to blame the male victims. Yes both of these relationships are inappropriate because she hid them, she hid them because while not physically bonding she was emotionally attached and possibly romantically interested. I'm assuming this because she repeatedly comments about them not being physical. OP you've broken your husband's trust it's very difficult to rebuild that. Even if rebuilt the dynamic of your marriage will never be the same. His level of commitment will never be the same. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or easy path. Its long and hard and may be done with only divorce as a reward. Best shot is to stop lying. Edited June 15, 2020 by DKT3 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, DKT3 said: Why would you assume her husband is overreacting to her secret relationships with other men that she admits to continuing to lie about? Because of the timeline, that's all. They've been married for 9 months. Both of these "relationships" she had occurred several years ago, right after her divorce, while she was still getting to know her now-husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 2 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Because of the timeline, that's all. They've been married for 9 months. Both of these "relationships" she had occurred several years ago, right after her divorce, while she was still getting to know her now-husband. But they were still together in a relationship for at least a year and longer in other cases. Doesn't matter if they weren't married. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 It's the lying. She lied. He now wondering if he can trust anything she has told here. She says she did not go physical. How is he to trust that statement? We all know, that it is always much worse then what we are being told. Not always, but if the BS was here telling this story, the post would be, divorce, she has been sleeping with here EX, and another guy. Trust is easy to explode. I suggest, you work at remembering, because that is the only thing that will save your marriage in the end. You need to let him talk it out with you. You are in the wrong here. You need to give an accounting. You seem to be the type that needs to have a "soul mate" to talk to. Bad thing to need. Also, if it does come out you have given the best possible story, and things come out that are worse, you had sex with ether of these men, I think your marriage will be over. What I am saying, it is always better to get everything out upfront, you can work on it then, and not be set back as new details come out. If nothing went on physically, you need to find out why you felt you need this relationship in any case. I suggest you also look over criticality at your first marriage and be honest, if your problems with being honest and forthcoming was a cause of that one breaking up. You do not want to have two failed marriages at your age. Shows a pattern. I wish you luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 A lie is a lie. You don't get away with it because it turned out to be a platonic lie. You wanted to keep in touch with your ex and were too coward to hold your ground in front of your new husband. Instead you decided to be sneaky about it. That is hurtful and destructive. You proved you cannot be trusted with your words. You say one thing to his face and turn around and do the opposite for YEARS. I am afraid this marriage will be scared forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 Is it possible to recover any texts from your conversations? I know you mentioned your husband discovering it by phone records which would indicate only phone. If you spoke only over the phone, in this age of phone texting, that would raise suspicions that you were planning more than you are admitting, since you would not have to worry about a paper trail. That is a thought that would have occurred to me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 What prompted him to dig into phone records from so long ago? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, 4paws said: I continually talked to my ex husband for almost 9 months after our divorce was final. We have no kids or anything involved to be needing to talk for so long. However I wanted to try to stay friends with him. My husband now didnt want me to be friends with my ex husband so he told me i can stay friends with my ex but he won't stick around if I do. So I told him I would no longer talk to him but i did for almost 9 months. I kept it and hid it from my husband now. All the way up until now 2020 when he found out on his own going through our old phone records. In september 2014 I started working a new job and became very close with my male nurse. We worked 1 on 1 with each other every day. I never felt physically attracted to him, he was also alot older than me about 15 years or so. We talked and text all the time. Long conversations over the phone. This relationship was also not physical at all. But it was inappropriate because I never told my now husband about him. My husband found out about him the same way There is a huge difference between having opposite-sex friends of a casual nature vs. needing intense, ongoing, emotional involvements outside of your marriage... not to mention the fact that you lied about them for years and years. These extracurricular relationship are always going to be at the expense of the primary relationship. And in this case they may have destroyed it. We've seen situations where this has happened openly, in spite of a spouse's ongoing objections, and the outcome is pretty much the same. For most married couples there just isn't space for more than two people in the relationship, and your husband made that clear early on. Rather than close the relationship with your ex-husband (and the nurse), and focus that energy on your husband, you compromised your current marriage and lied and lied and lied. Why? What is it about you that needs to hang on to close connections to other men so desperately? And what makes it acceptable to lie about it... until you get caught? You still haven't expressed any real remorse; you're just asking us how to fix it, and you don't even seem to understand why your husband is so upset and crying all the time! There seems to be a gap in your understanding of how things work in relationships, how people (your husband) feels, and the ability to see beyond what you want right now. Just curious, but why did you get divorced from your first husband? Edited June 15, 2020 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 (edited) Sometimes perception is reality. Whatever you may feel about these friendships, it's clear he feels like a BS, and a quite traumatized one at that, crying every day, etc. This is also much newer to him, so the emotions are fresh. You might not think of yourself as a WS, but I think that the resources and approaches for "reformed" WS's who wish to reconcile are probably your best bet here. There used to be a sticky "what every wayward spouse needs to know" but I guess they removed it. At any rate, I suspect an internet search for that and similarly phrased topics will bring up some potentially helpful resources. There is also a lot of good advice distributed in the many threads in this forum. Right now he may unfortunately feel, based on what happened, that the entire marriage has been a lie. So, there are, unfortunately, no guarantees. Edited June 15, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
IdealMan1 Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 There's also going to be trust issues because he met you while separated, that doesn't mean single. The lies and secrets just adds fuel to the fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 20 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Have there been others since then? Sounds to me like you attached emotionally to these men (could it have as easily been women? Only you know) during an emotionally tumultuous time in your life and your husband might be overreacting, at least about the nurse. Your ex? He asked you not to talk to him and you went behind his back. But....have there been any more? No there hasn't been anyone since Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 6 hours ago, schlumpy said: Is it possible to recover any texts from your conversations? I know you mentioned your husband discovering it by phone records which would indicate only phone. If you spoke only over the phone, in this age of phone texting, that would raise suspicions that you were planning more than you are admitting, since you would not have to worry about a paper trail. That is a thought that would have occurred to me. we talked on the phone qnd texted. I have no way to recover our texts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted June 15, 2020 Author Share Posted June 15, 2020 19 hours ago, Bryanp said: To gain into what your husband is feeling imagine if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you be feeling exactly like your husband? Good luck. Yes, I think I would i also think i wouldve handled it all way worse. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 On 6/14/2020 at 7:53 PM, 4paws said: He cries every day and I cant bare to see him in so much pain but he feels like I'm not helping him since I can't give him details. We have been going to therapy but it hasn't really helped any. If anyone has any advice please let me know. Make sure he knows how sorry you are to see him in such pain. Let him know you will do whatever it takes to help him heal. Be completely open with your phone, letting him check it whenever he wants. Make it blatantly obvious that you are devoted to him and to your marriage. Work on your own personal boundaries with others outside of your marriage - e.g., set a boundary like no texting or phone calls outside of work with your co-workers - and stick to it. Ask your H to help you set those boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderlust2018 Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 This was extremely disrespectful behavior, and I suspect you tend to need ongoing validation from men outside of your primary relationship. You knew, or at least suspected it was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have been sneaking around to do it. Doing it by omission of facts is still a lie and erodes trust, a basic covenant and foundation of a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 (edited) Offer to take a polygraph. Tell him he can ask anything he wants. Also have him set it up. Edited June 16, 2020 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 i read this post, 4Paws that you are a person who is terrified to be caught in lies and are seeking advice to mitigate damage. You must understand that every action has a consequence; I mean every action....if you drop a glass it shatters, if you smile, sometimes people smile back. Nothing is above this natural rule, not I or you. Individual counseling would be a good idea to address why you lie and how easily it comes to you and how it effects your relationships with people. A qualified therapist can help to sort these issues with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 As with another poster, what is going to get you in the most trouble, is the lying. Because you lie, He will not trust you on anything, as how does he know if your word is good. If you lie about this, are you lying about other things?. You say, you did not get physical. OK, but with your track record, he will assume you did, or would have if you had the chance. Why do you have to come clean?. Because everyday you don't, it will be much worse when he finds out about your EA's. One of the first questions, will be "why did you not tell me sooner?" Followed close by "How can I believe that you did not get physical?" Most people, know that the story of this type is much worse then what the WS lets on. Right now, you are just piling up trouble. Telling will reduce this. At least, you can say, "I came to you, so we could work on this". Your decision. Compound your bad actions, or work to set things right with the husband you supposedly love. I wish you luck................ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loneheart Posted June 16, 2020 Author Share Posted June 16, 2020 16 hours ago, OpenBook said: Make sure he knows how sorry you are to see him in such pain. Let him know you will do whatever it takes to help him heal. Be completely open with your phone, letting him check it whenever he wants. Make it blatantly obvious that you are devoted to him and to your marriage. Work on your own personal boundaries with others outside of your marriage - e.g., set a boundary like no texting or phone calls outside of work with your co-workers - and stick to it. Ask your H to help you set those boundaries. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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