did I over-react?

[d0nnivain]

My state is not fully open yet.  We were one of the hardest hit states.  We start phase 2 tomorrow:  non-essential businesses can open including outdoor dining with masks & social distancing. 

To date I have had 20 people in my life die from Covid.  I am genuinely worried about getting it & giving it to somebody else.  If I get it I don't care all that much.  Obviously I'd rather not but I would be devastated if I gave it to somebody else.  

A civic organization I belong do is having a Flag Day service today.   DH was invited to be a flag bearer.  I was invited to read an essay about the meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance.  I was promised that the event would be outside everyone would have masks, we'd be 6 feet apart & precautions would be taken.  

When we arrived, people were all bunched together. . . just like regular before the pandemic & the lock down.  Chairs were maybe 3 feet apart.  Nobody was wearing a mask.  There was no hand sanitizer.  There was nobody taking people's temperatures.  I had a panic attack looking at the scene.  I got out of my car stood there . . .in utter shock.  The sickest part was everybody there except maybe 3 people out of 30+ was over 60 & most has underlying health conditions meaning that if they get Covid it's highly unlikely they will survive.  Two people there had been on ventilators as a result of Covid & before this they had been healthy unlike most of the others.   I'm disgusted that the Covid survivors could be so cavalier about the situation.  Finally I told my husband who was freaking shaking hands with people that I couldn't stay because it was too unsafe & I left him there.  

Now I don't know what to do.  I am going to have to get back in a car with him in an hour.  I have Cloox wipes & hand sanitizer in my purse.  Do I really need to self quarantine away from him for 14 days?  I'm supposed to go back to work Monday.  This is a nightmare.  

At this point I could give a flying fig about whether the people at this event live or die but I am so upset with my husband & now I'm frightened for myself.  

[Ellener]

It's a very personal decision who to see and what to do right now, you didn't know there would not be social distancing. Sounds like you're not on the same page?

I haven't been in a car with anyone yet since all this. 

Re re-opening just winging it myself to be honest. Pretty sure that my anxiety disorder is worse and once I have to go back out, I'll have a bunch of panic attacks I expect ( already ordered some beta blockers ) Being lonely balances out with being glad I don't have to negotiate with a partner about it all.

 

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's really up to you how you want to handle this. If you feel the 14 day quarantine from his is warranted, it's your call and you can do that. I'd say try not to be too mad at him. He probably felt he couldn't back out of this commitment and needed to honor it, even though the event wasn't well-managed. These are unusually strange and stressful times for people. Try to go easy on one another.

[chillii]

Jezuz , you know 20 people that have died from it shyt l'd be locked inside at that rate l think.

And given that number nope l don't think you over reacted at all actually , hope you steam cleaned hubby good.

[basil67]

You've lost 20 people? Oh d0nni, my heart breaks for you and their families.

No you did not over react. Not one bit.  If you feel the need to ask your husband to self quarantine for 14 days, it would be completely reasonable.

[nospam99]

have you spoken to DH about what he thinks is appropriate? have you discussed this with your employer?

[QuietRiot]

All I can say is...WOW! I mean...wow! ESP. with those that recovered that were on VENTILATORS!!  If I was hospitalized..I wouldn't even be in my mind for a while to attend social functions like this.

With all this happening, even if I got an invite...my first inclination I would think to myself, "Do I really need to go to this function?" I don't see the obligation.

It is recommended to wear masks in situations like this where you can't be 6 feet apart. Like if it's impossible for you to be 6 feet apart, thus wear a mask. Work would be an example.

Though, I probably would have turned around and gone home if I saw this display since something like this is non-essential.

Edited June 15, 2020 by QuietRiot

[FMW]

Your reaction is understandable if you know 20 people who have died from COVID.  That's terrible - I don't even know anyone who has actually had it.  That's made it easier for me to come out of isolation a bit, but in your situation I would probably still be hunkering down.  

I hope you let us know how your conversation with your husband goes.  It's interesting that you've had the same experience but are reacting differently.  

[clia]

I personally think you are overreacting, but it's not up to me.  You are entitled to feel however you want and are entitled to protect yourself and to behave however you choose with respect to COVID-19.  If you genuinely feel that your husband contracted COVID-19 at this event, then you probably should quarantine away from him for a week or two.  I, personally, don't think it's necessary, but you should do what you feel is necessary.  I'm surprised that your husband was so cavalier if you are this paranoid about interactions -- surely he knows how you feel?    

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm disgusted that the Covid survivors could be so cavalier about the situation.

They are just thinking about themselves.
"I.m OK Jack, I have had it, I survived, I am not going to get it again..."

[QuietRiot]

8 minutes ago, clia said:

I personally think you are overreacting, but it's not up to me.  You are entitled to feel however you want and are entitled to protect yourself and to behave however you choose with respect to COVID-19.  If you genuinely feel that your husband contracted COVID-19 at this event, then you probably should quarantine away from him for a week or two.  I, personally, don't think it's necessary, but you should do what you feel is necessary.  I'm surprised that your husband was so cavalier if you are this paranoid about interactions -- surely he knows how you feel?    

Clia...why do you feel her reaction is unneccessary?

[Atwood]

You are not overreacting. I'm so sorry about your losses. You have my sincere condolences. 

I can only talk about my experience in the UK, but my family have not left our home for 3 months except for a one-off time my dad had to go to work, and I've met up with my boyfriend 3 times (but we stayed over 2 metres apart at all times and I wore a mask). A member of our household is extremely high-risk, so we've been extremely cautious, however, the caution is absolutely warranted. Every time someone has been outside, the person immediately puts all clothing in the wash, showers and stays away from everyone in the house as much as possible for a couple of days. That's even when we've had no contact with other people. 

The fact of the matter is that we've all seen extremely nasty outcomes for people who get COVID, you and your husband have seen a lot of it personally. It's not a case of live or die either, people who survive it can be left with extremely serious long-term side effects. I would have been extremely panicked and upset with my partner if he was shaking hands with people. I don't want to be rude about it, but what on earth was he thinking? There's a pandemic on! 

My friends living in the US have expressed similar concerns about people not taking it seriously or underestimating the risk. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're being paranoid or overreacting, you are not. You're being actually sensible. Nobody in their right mind wants to risk catching COVID. It is undeniably not worth the risk. Quarantine from your husband as long as you feel it's necessary and listen to your instincts. Safety first. 

[elaine567]

If he is the one most at risk then HE should be in quarantine too.
He is the "engineer" of this risky behaviour too, had he said no in the first place then none of this would have happened.
Gatherings are banned in a lot of places for a good reason.
People are often stupid and have no idea of how a virus behaves. They always get too close and take risks they shouldn't be taking...

[clia]

8 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

Clia...why do you feel her reaction is unneccessary?

It was an outdoor event. 

She could have still social distanced, even though others weren't.  Moved a chair off to the side, etc.

She had hand sanitizer with her, so she could've used that if she touched anything.  As could her husband.  She could've worn a mask.

Quote

The sickest part was everybody there except maybe 3 people out of 30+ was over 60 & most has underlying health conditions meaning that if they get Covid it's highly unlikely they will survive.

It's simply not true that people over 60, even with underlying health conditions, are highly unlikely to survive if they get it.  Yes, those who are older and with underlying health conditions are more likely to have it worse off than those who are younger and healthy, but highly unlikely to survive?  That's an overreaction.    

Like I said, she is entitled to react how she wants and to leave if it's not something she wants to be around.  I fully support her right to do that.  But for me personally, I would have no issues in that type of environment right now.  I've been watching hundreds and thousands of people protesting shoulder to shoulder on my TV for several weeks outdoors and we haven't seen any discernible spikes from that yet.  

[elaine567]

Over 60s without underlying health condition are at increased risk as no matter how "healthy" they are, their immune system is still lacking.

 

[clia]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Over 60s without underlying health condition are at increased risk as no matter how "healthy" they are, their immune system is still lacking.

 

I totally agree that they are at increased risk; I don't agree that they are "highly unlikely to survive."  Well, I guess it depends how you define "highly unlikely."  I would consider "highly unlikely" to probably be at least 90% chance of death.    

[serial muse]

I don't think you're overreacting. I think the fact that he was shaking hands with people, knowing your fears and knowing how many people you've lost, is really crappy and thoughtless, and I'd be furious.

We are still in the middle of this pandemic, as much as people want to believe we aren't because they are tired of it all. I'm tired of it too. But I'm more tired of people being thoughtless of others. I wear a mask when I go out to protect other people. I keep distance to protect us both. It is NOT HARD to do those things, it is simply acknowledging that we live in a communal space and we can act accordingly, and if everyone actually cared enough to bother it is how this country could reopen safely. I find this all so selfish. Sigh. People aren't refusing to do them because they find it too difficult. It's a political choice, and it's foolish in the extreme.

I think if you want to demand a 14-day quarantine from him, that's a reasonable stance to take. He was shaking hands with people. Nuff said right there.

Edited June 15, 2020 by serial muse

[Eternal Sunshine]

In Australia nobody wears masks and look at me like I am freak when I wear one. I get out and about but always wear a mask indoors and try to keep 2 meter distance if I can. I am sick of people being so irresponsible. I do not think you are overracting at all.

I recently went to a friend's place for BBQ. It was held indoors with about 10 people, none wearing masks. I came in with a mask, and friends kept making fun of me. Then one of the guys started coughing. As in real coughing with no attempt to even cough in his elbow. Then he said he had a sore throat for a few days. No mask, not using hand sanitizer, no nothing. How can someone be so irresponsible? In our area cases have been rising recently. At his second coughing fit, I left.

I may have just lost my main group of friends.

[d0nnivain]

I have calmed down a lot since the initial shock yesterday.  I did have a full blown panic attack when I got home yesterday.  DH still doesn't understand why I was so upset & actually thought I was being overly dramatic when I couldn't breathe or stand during the panic attack.  If you have never had one, severe ones feel like a heart attack.  

Anyway, my rational mind says it's probably unlikely although not impossible that people there were contagious.  However, I know from their social media posts several of them have been unmasked in other social situations.  

I think what made me so steamed is that when I was invited to participate, I said no.  The organizers all promised me  it would be done to minimize the spread.  The assured me people would be required to wear masks.  They assured me that everyone would be 6 feet apart but nobody adhered to any of that.  I also couldn't just move my chair. . . .I was supposed to be one of the speakers.  If I was only there to observe I would have just stayed 30 feet away by my car.  

This morning when I looked at my phone I realized that 3 people actually sent me messages telling me that I over-reacted & I should spread my liberal fear to them.  Those mean spirited messages really hurt because they were from people I thought were my friends; they were also people I went out of my way for in the past.  Well no more.  

If they chose not be responsible, I have to chose to disassociate myself from them.  

 

[Redhead14]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have calmed down a lot since the initial shock yesterday.  I did have a full blown panic attack when I got home yesterday.  DH still doesn't understand why I was so upset & actually thought I was being overly dramatic when I couldn't breathe or stand during the panic attack.  If you have never had one, severe ones feel like a heart attack.  

Anyway, my rational mind says it's probably unlikely although not impossible that people there were contagious.  However, I know from their social media posts several of them have been unmasked in other social situations.  

I think what made me so steamed is that when I was invited to participate, I said no.  The organizers all promised me  it would be done to minimize the spread.  The assured me people would be required to wear masks.  They assured me that everyone would be 6 feet apart but nobody adhered to any of that.  I also couldn't just move my chair. . . .I was supposed to be one of the speakers.  If I was only there to observe I would have just stayed 30 feet away by my car.  

This morning when I looked at my phone I realized that 3 people actually sent me messages telling me that I over-reacted & I should spread my liberal fear to them.  Those mean spirited messages really hurt because they were from people I thought were my friends; they were also people I went out of my way for in the past.  Well no more.  

If they chose not be responsible, I have to chose to disassociate myself from them.  

 

I've experienced a little blow back about wearing masks and protecting myself.  We have the absolute right to do whatever makes us feel the safest and most comfortable.  I don't blame you one bit.  We have the right to protect ourselves.  People keep saying it's a choice.  It's not really a choice.  The people who are blowing off the guidelines are taking choice away from us.  Anyone who says it's a choice can go F themselves.  How is it that we should be disrespected and criticized for protecting ourselves?  It's none of their F ing business anyway.  It doesn't hurt them or anyone else if we use a mask or want to distance.  It hurts/causes a problem for a lot of people if others aren't doing what should be done.  Losing so many people you know would make anyone anxious.  You do what makes you comfortable!   I too, am OK, if some of the people at these gatherings catch Covid or pass on.  It was their choice.  I will feel sorry for anyone who is innocently contaminated because their selfishness though. 

I've shared my food delivery story already.  That experience was complete and utter BS and won't be tolerated by me.  I'm pushing back hard.

Edited June 15, 2020 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

1 hour ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

At his second coughing fit, I left.

I may have just lost my main group of friends.

Good for you!  If they don't care about you, why should you care about them? 

[NuevoYorko]

Not overreacting at all. 

From a different perspective, I live in a state with one of the lowest death and infection rates. Infection rates are on the rise but they are still low comparatively.  Four counties, including the 2 most populated ones, are not even approved for Phase I of "reopening" because they have not met the criteria.   

My friend and family group is all quite observant of social distancing, doesn't shake hands, wears masks etc. I can't even imagine a group situation like the one you described happening in our current environment, in my social sphere.  There are many "naysayers," though, who basically believe that it's a hoax and no doubt they are having big gatherings like the one you describe, but the overall climate here is  not going to be supportive of it.

I see that you are in the NE USA.  It appears that the states in your region are not experiencing any increases, so that is a definite positive. 

I truly hope to be wrong about this, but I am expecting a big spike everywhere.  

Edited June 15, 2020 by NuevoYorko

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

my rational mind says it's probably unlikely although not impossible that people there were contagious.  However, I know from their social media posts several of them have been unmasked in other social situations.  

Anxiety disorder is about more than the rational, my doctor told me 'rationally you knew you could not fall through the holes in the bridge' after I had my first panic attack.

However you are being perfectly rational in your assessment of 'I've been with everyone you've been with' ( as with the AIDS pandemic, and people still don't listen there despite decades and millions of unnecessary deaths) also with your setting boundaries about not having your concerns taken seriously.

How are things between your husband and you? 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

3 people actually sent me messages

That's awful.  I can't believe they actually made a point of contacting you for that.   I have taken the distancing and wearing masks more seriously than a few of my friends, but they've all been respectful of my choices. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

How are things between your husband and you? 

He's been trying to make amends.  He still doesn't get it so I have not quite let him off the hook.  We will be OK but I'm still hurt & kind of sulking.