When is it enough?

[Rosee]

I have known my partner for 3 years, and he lived with me in my home for less than 12 months.  He now lives 50 miles away, and I am still in a relationship of sorts with him.  He moved into my home very quickly, so much so that I didn't really even see it coming.  Soon after I discovered he was addicted to alcohol and drugs, and as a result he stole from me, pawned some of my belongings, lied to me, had me run away from dealers, and nearly caused me to lose a 20 year career.  That said, nothing will ever be as bad and the physical and mental abuse that he subjected me to.  Whilst some of it was inexcusable, other bits I genuinely believe were not truly his fault.   A lot of the physical abuse came when I tried to prevent him harming himself, and whilst not excusable, I doubt very much that he would have responded in the way that he did if I hadn't intervened.  That said, when the Police arrived and he tried to tell them that the marks on his head were my doing, when he actually caused them himself, was pretty low.  He was taken to court eventually, against my wishes, and in a moment of madness I stood in his defence.

We now live apart and he is free of drink and drugs but it has come as a cost to his health.  He already had PTSD and has been deemed significantly mentally impaired.  He now has uncontrollable seizures, which leave him paralysed on one side of his body after each one.  He has at least one a day if not more.  He also has significant memory loss.  He is 35 and I am 44

I really feel sorry for him, and it upsets me to have to say this, but he is not a nice person.  He thinks that the world owes him and he never thinks that anything is his fault.  He is openly racist, homophobic, and antagonistic all of the time.  In the year it has taken to get his benefits sorted, I have supported him financially, and kept him in the last two flats he has lived him, because he would have otherwise been evicted due to his behaviour.  When I have tried to walk away before, he has attempted suicide.  He gets closer to being successful each time.

Even now that I am 50 miles away, his behaviour is a nightmare.  I have never cheated on him but I am constantly being accused.  I have to visit him because he is wanted in the town where I live.  Clearly, people I know are also no longer accepting of me being with him, so few people know.  I am not allowed to see friends, and because he doesn't have to work, he rings me at all hours of the day and night.  He added all of my friends on facebook, despite never having met them, and I have seen that he is trying to secure accommodation back close to where I live.  He checks up on my location, and is insistent on being in contact with me pretty much hourly every day.  When I last saw him before lockdown he accused me of having someone else (I don't), and told me to get out of his flat.  I did and then he chased after me, prevented me from closing my car door and started ranting again.  In the end, to placate him, I went back to the flat and pretended everything was OK.  It's far from OK.  He scared me again - and this time drink and drugs cant be the excuse.  He says that he doesn't recall most of what happens which is worrying in itself.  I heard one of his mental health team say that he as emotionally unstable personality disorder.  I heard it with my own ears - he claims that was never said.  He has always had a very vivid imagination which is clearly no reflection of the reality - told me he owned pubs, houses, partied with famous people - all of which turned out to be lies 

He has no one.  He has barely anything, and he is physically and mentally unwell, but I am breaking.  I love him but I don't want to be with him.  I cant be, I don't believe its safe for me to be.  What do I do? I am in turmoil.  His mum is a senior mental healthcare practitioner and has disowned him, but I believe she is partly responsible for the way he is.  She gets in contact with him purely to destroy him, and when she first found out about me, she tried to do the same - the difference being she has no hold over me.  She does over him as she looks after his son

Edited May 29, 2020 by Rosee
addition

[turtlebear]

I am in a similar situation. He is significantly younger than me and in the short time I’ve “dated” him, I’ve financially supported him, moved him in against my will. He’s abusive, an addict, immature and has OCD bad enough that it can disrupt his life. When he’s been physically abusive it has been when he was using and not only pushing me around but destroying my property. Easter this year was the last straw (again) and I called the cops and they gave me an emergency protection order. I told his mom that until he goes thru a program I won’t talk to him. So he currently is in a rehab facility, it’s a 90 day program and he’s been in 51 days. He really doesn’t have much support from his family as in no one will house him or store any of his stuff at all; over his 29 years he’s burned too many bridges with family. 
 

So I talk to him. He keeps insisting he’s changed and wants another second chance. Again. I’m over it. I’ve been over it since last July when he took a baseball bat to my 55gal fish tank. I don’t love him yet I can’t seem to break up. I don’t want to see him or visit him. 
 

I say all this to say I think what we need to do is just break it off. I don’t know how but we can no longer be responsible for these guys well being. 
 

Also did I mention I don’t know how to break up with him?

[Datergirl]

You are not responsible for the well being of these men. They themselves are the only ones who can help them get better. You cannot, as much as you might think you can,  ever help them get better.

The only thing that will happen is that they will drag you down with them. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or uncaring but it's the truth, believe me, I've been there.

These guys need serious and sustained professional help. You are not qualified to do that. 

Make the decision to end the relationship, I'd do it over the phone, probably by text, rather than in person as they will try to talk you out of it. Be strong. Your beautiful new life awaits.