Should my girlfriend visit me during lockdown?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is staying safe and keeping well.

I am in a bit of a complicated situation right now due to COVID-19 and wanted some of your valued advice please.

I'm in a Long Distance Relationship at the moment of 1yr and my girlfriend lives in England whilst I'm in Wales. She is a truly lovely woman and a wonderful person, but we haven't seen each other since late March when the lockdown really took effect.

We keep in touch on the phone, video calls etc and speak every day.

She is now saying that she misses me too much and wants me to either drive down to see her for 1 week (holiday time we had booked way before this virus started) or that she comes up to me.

Whilst I want to see her and neither of us have had any symptoms of COVID, do you think I am right to say to her that I don't think we should meet - still given that social distancing is still in place etc?

We haven't made any concrete plans yet but my head is saying no, I'm respecting the rules whilst she says we aren't doing anything wrong because we aren't going to be leaving the house even though she'll be at mine for one week or I'd be at hers!

[snowboy91]

Others will say definitely not, but I'm a little bit of a rule bender and will approach it this way.

Think about what we know about the virus. It's spread by close contact with an infected person, and incubation time is 14 days or less the vast majority (95%+) of the time. If both of you have been strictly isolating for the past 2-3 weeks then it is very unlikely you or her are infected. (Keep in mind that nothing is 100% certain here) If you go out to the shops regularly or have been in contact with other people, then I'd be concerned, unless you are fully aware of their isolation habits.

The other angle is whether you or her can safely travel to the other's house (and back) - by safely I mean avoiding infection and avoiding being caught by authorities. If you're driving you're fairly safe but just be careful at the petrol pump. If you need a bus or a train forget it, unless you know they will be nearly empty.

That would be the way I'd approach it, but it also strongly depends on your feelings on the matter too. You're based in the UK with higher case numbers than we have here in Aus so I'd take that into consideration too.

[QuietRiot]

2 hours ago, Depressed-Fiance said:

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is staying safe and keeping well.

I am in a bit of a complicated situation right now due to COVID-19 and wanted some of your valued advice please.

I'm in a Long Distance Relationship at the moment of 1yr and my girlfriend lives in England whilst I'm in Wales. She is a truly lovely woman and a wonderful person, but we haven't seen each other since late March when the lockdown really took effect.

We keep in touch on the phone, video calls etc and speak every day.

She is now saying that she misses me too much and wants me to either drive down to see her for 1 week (holiday time we had booked way before this virus started) or that she comes up to me.

Whilst I want to see her and neither of us have had any symptoms of COVID, do you think I am right to say to her that I don't think we should meet - still given that social distancing is still in place etc?

We haven't made any concrete plans yet but my head is saying no, I'm respecting the rules whilst she says we aren't doing anything wrong because we aren't going to be leaving the house even though she'll be at mine for one week or I'd be at hers!

 

Yeah, I was wondering when these posts will start cropping up where there's a certain grey area here and a case-by-case situation on "Should I hang out with my 4 neighbors or close friends at my home for Poker night?" and so on.

Some feel, "Well, I'm not diving into a large crowd of people at the beach" so they figure that a small, intimate gathering of the closest friends would be a happy medium. I was kind of surprised to see a person who was, back in March, very cautious about the pandemic. Then his FB feed revealed he and his wife was at a brewery many miles away. 

This is in lieu of the US now opening up a bit and people are perhaps changing their stance from Phase 1 to Phase 2.   I have a friend that is VERY tentatively considering scheduling game night in June...but it would all depend on how good things will be. 

I have a female friend that's seeing her boyfriend about an hour away. She lives with her elderly mother and works from home. But...she takes the trips to see her boyfriend...he never goes to see her. She's on disability, so she's not much for going anywhere, and she has to trust he doesn't go anywhere that's non-essential.

So some feel, "Well, if I'm ONLY seeing my sig. other...and we trust we're not going to crowded areas or compromising ourselves...then it's cool...which in a sense, could be". 

Some feel that denying yourself intimacy to people, esp. with a sig other in such a fashion, will negatively impact your immune system. FEAR impacts the immune system.  

The one that I know that holds game night at herself is not going to deny herself hugging her close friends and such. She feels that they all have good immune systems as they are more about nature's methods of taking care of one's bodies, not drugs or vaccines. Not saying they are anti-vaxxers, but just saying there's more to this than a vaccine as it's been proven that nutritional deficiencies are playing a huge role on Covid 19 mortality rates. But I won't go down that rabbit hole.

I honestly believe people will not deny their physical affections for someone they are now with by isolating themselves from each other. Granted...I think a lot of them waited 2 or 3 months, but now they are like "Screw this...Im seeing my girlfriend, dammit...after all, we're heading into phase 2!!"

Quote

We haven't made any concrete plans yet but my head is saying no, I'm respecting the rules whilst she says we aren't doing anything wrong because we aren't going to be leaving the house even though she'll be at mine for one week or I'd be at hers!

Exactly! I know what you mean.

Edited May 29, 2020 by QuietRiot

[elaine567]

You are right and she is wrong. 
Welsh rules are a lot stricter as there is  a lot of virus around in Wales, but neither set of rules would allow you to do what she is proposing.

Edited May 29, 2020 by elaine567

[QuietRiot]

Or, they could do this....take the relationship to the next step...and move in together.

https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-52294427

Some have even rekindled things and moved in with their ex's. 

Edited May 29, 2020 by QuietRiot

[schlumpy]

It's a roll of the dice. Measure what you hope to gain against the potential loss. If you are both young and healthy then the odds are in your favor, but you have to wonder how many other people who were in your situation are right now sucking air from a ventilator.

God has given us free will so make sure it's worth it.

[QuietRiot]

27 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

It's a roll of the dice. Measure what you hope to gain against the potential loss. If you are both young and healthy then the odds are in your favor, but you have to wonder how many other people who were in your situation are right now sucking air from a ventilator.

God has given us free will so make sure it's worth it.

Honestly, how long are people going to follow whatever guidelines that are out there? A year? Not going to happen.  People will follow the rules/guidelines for so long and then...they'll start going the route of what the OP is considering. Can't really fault them for that.

Edited May 29, 2020 by QuietRiot

[schlumpy]

1 minute ago, QuietRiot said:

Honestly, how long are people going to follow whatever guidelines that are out there? A year? Not going to happen.  People will follow the rules/guidelines for so long and then...they'll start going the route of what the OP is considering. Can't really fault them for that.

I'm not faulting him. I just want him to own his decision and not come whining about it later on if things don't go his way. I agree with you that things are going to break open if they haven't already. I'm most likely behind the curve.

[QuietRiot]

3 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I'm not faulting him. I just want him to own his decision and not come whining about it later on if things don't go his way. I agree with you that things are going to break open if they haven't already. I'm most likely behind the curve.

Yeah, eventually the talking naughty to each other via Zoom will get old and it'll only be a matter of time until they want to tear their clothes off. To them...it's not living life.

Edited May 29, 2020 by QuietRiot

[chillii]

As long as you've both been safe in the meantime l know what l'd be doing, we did , she left for home again not long ago.  lt's pretty simple , if you've both been safe then there's no drama. Even if one of you drive to yours or hers, you put in petrol , sanitize, stay safe , get out at the other end , be together. Mind you, l'm not where you live and don't know how bad things are there , but we knew our situation here of course.

Edited May 29, 2020 by chillii

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You are right and she is wrong. 
Welsh rules are a lot stricter as there is  a lot of virus around in Wales, but neither set of rules would allow you to do what she is proposing.

I agree with you. To me, it's just too much of a risk to take and the more I think about it, the more foolish I think I would be to go along with what she is suggesting.

I shouldn't feel pressured by her to do what she wants when I actually disagree with her, I now have to break this to her to which I know she'll be disappointed. But hey, when it is a matter of life and death then I can put up with a few sulking comments from her.

Thank you to everyone who has given their opinion on this situation regardless of if we all agree or not.

 

[Ellener]

The rules in England are pretty ridiculous from what I can see, my sister was talking about it yesterday: there are no flight restrictions but people can't drive in their own cars? 

I think I would find the UK infuriating right now, bloody nanny state! 

The Welsh lockdown is planning to end this month though, so hang in there!

 

 

[Ellener]

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-politics-52667873

 

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Yeah, I was wondering when these posts will start cropping up where there's a certain grey area here and a case-by-case situation on "Should I hang out with my 4 neighbors or close friends at my home for Poker night?" and so on.

It's like with the Aids pandemic, everyone I am exposed to is a potential source of infection to each other...that's why so many of us are simply restricting that number and will continue to avoid crowds and social distance whether there's a lockdown or not. 

Good luck @Hollywood-Tourist

[QuietRiot]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

It's like with the Aids pandemic, everyone I am exposed to is a potential source of infection to each other...that's why so many of us are simply restricting that number and will continue to avoid crowds and social distance whether there's a lockdown or not. 

Good luck @Hollywood-Tourist

Yeah, I've never been much for crowds. There was a time I was a social butterfly and hang with people at the local watering holes on a Fri night...where there'd be people everywhere. Now I just limit myself to my immediate co-horts.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

Now I just limit myself to my immediate co-horts.

Me too, just two friends and my son so far in all these weeks, and the friends we only meet outdoors! None of us are hugging.

I don't like crowds either but I am missing physical affection.

I got a massage seat for my truck! but it's not quite the same.

[QuietRiot]

4 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Me too, just two friends and my son so far in all these weeks, and the friends we only meet outdoors! None of us are hugging.

I don't like crowds either but I am missing physical affection.

I got a massage seat for my truck! but it's not quite the same.

Yeah...my masseuse had recently started advertising her business again on FB ever since the governor lifted restrictions. It's tempting to go see her again...as she's kind of a personal friend.

[clia]

How old are you two?  If you are under 65, the risk is pretty minimal.

Link:  https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/conditionsanddiseases/articles/coronaviruscovid19roundup/2020-03-26

Quote

 

Deaths involving COVID-19

Up to 15 May 2020, there were 41,220 deaths registered in England and Wales involving the coronavirus (COVID-19) (23,108 men and 18,112 women).

The majority of deaths involving COVID-19 have been among people aged 65 years and over (36,639 out of 41,220), with 46% (16,962) of these occurring in the over-85 age group.

Our data are based on deaths registered in the stated period and include all deaths where “COVID-19” was mentioned on death certificates. We have published a summary of where you can find data on infection rates and deaths involving COVID-19 for England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

 

You can probably find more detailed statistics broken out further by age.  The younger you are, the better off you are.  

I, personally, wouldn't go months without seeing my boyfriend with these kinds of statistics.  The level of fear right now is really disproportionate to the danger to most of the population.  I think if the person traveling is cautious, washes their hands, wears a mask, maintains distance from others, doesn't make any unnecessary stops, and goes straight to the other person's house, it would be fine.  Obviously neither one of you should travel if you feel sick.  

[FMW]

5 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

To me, it's just too much of a risk to take

So that's your answer.  Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what anyone else is doing.  You get to choose what risks you are willing to take.  There are a lot of things in a relationship that require compromise, but this is not one of them.  

And I'm someone who has chosen to start spending time again with a very few select friends.  But the guy I'm seeing made it clear that he would understand if I wanted to keep distancing.  Your girlfriend may be disappointed, but should respect your choice.  

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Ellener said:

The Welsh lockdown is planning to end this month though, so hang in there!

That is not true. Wales has no set date for ending lockdown. Wales is in a more severe lockdown than England and there are no set dates for ending the English lock down either

5 hours ago, Ellener said:

there are no flight restrictions but people can't drive in their own cars? 

Sorry, not completely true either.
Unlimited car travel allowed in England and quarantine for 14 days to be introduced on 8th June.
"Passengers arriving in the UK by plane, ferry or train - including UK nationals - will have to provide an address where they will remain for 14 days"

[Foxhall]

I thought the stay at home thing was more of a guidance directive than a strict law with you guys?

I have a similar situation to you actually,

girlfriend is 2 hours away but we are subject to a legal 5km restriction, which is ridiculous (in my opinion of course!!) 

it is how the people behave that matters, not how far they travel ,

anyway I decided to be bold last weekend and made the trip, I felt it was important for the relationship to break the cycle of not meeting,

I think I have a good enough excuse now to get by police, although as it turned out I was not stopped anyway, they are not as strict as they were a month ago.

Personally id advise you to go for it, better for the relationship to find a way to meet in the next few weeks.

 

 

[Ellener]

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/may/29/wales-eases-lockdown-cautiously-with-stay-local-slogan

Doesn't look like the proposals will help you @Hollywood-Tourist, five-mile restriction on travel.

 

[chillii]

Funny , l was getting petrol after dropping my gf off , it was about 3.30am , and the only other car anywhere , was a cop , and he pulled in to fill up a cross from me. Thought he might come over and give me the third degree but he just said how are ya walking past to go pay , and that was that .  That was the most fun and special trip we'd ever done strangely enough . 6hrs each way through the night where there'd normally be 1000s of cars on the main stretch because a lot of people like traveling over night , we were really about the only one. The whole atmosphere and strangeness of everything going on in the world , lock downs never seen before , the only two out there , we loved the surreal bizarreness of it all. She made all this food because we wouldn't be able to buy any. Done a lot of trips in my time but l'll never forget this one.

[QuietRiot]

17 hours ago, chillii said:

Funny , l was getting petrol after dropping my gf off , it was about 3.30am , and the only other car anywhere , was a cop , and he pulled in to fill up a cross from me. Thought he might come over and give me the third degree but he just said how are ya walking past to go pay , and that was that .  That was the most fun and special trip we'd ever done strangely enough . 6hrs each way through the night where there'd normally be 1000s of cars on the main stretch because a lot of people like traveling over night , we were really about the only one. The whole atmosphere and strangeness of everything going on in the world , lock downs never seen before , the only two out there , we loved the surreal bizarreness of it all. She made all this food because we wouldn't be able to buy any. Done a lot of trips in my time but l'll never forget this one.

Not sure why the OP would be willing to negate having his g/f visit him. If it's them...and ONLY them, then why not...granted they aren't participating in large crowds outside of seeing only each other. I don't see the risk.

The OP didn't mention what kind of contact tracing is involved. Perhaps' a front line worker and I could see this being a risk. But otherwise, not so much.

Edited May 30, 2020 by QuietRiot

[preraph]

I think it's the right thing to do to tell her not now.  I mean, come on.