miranda561 Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 18 hours ago, Shining One said: I've been thinking about this for a while since it was a factor in the end of my last relationship. One of the reasons my ex gave for the breakup was that I refused to open up to her about certain things. I'm generally a private person, so I'm careful who I share certain things with. I only share with a confidant, which she could not be since she shared everything with her sister. The relationship was good overall, so I was willing to accept that she couldn't be a confidant, but the fact that I was unwilling to share with her became a deal-breaker for her. After reading various threads on this forum and speaking to some of my female friends, I'm wondering if it's asking too much of a girlfriend to be a confidant. Does the relationship have to reach a higher level before that becomes "reasonable"? She may have felt undervalued and like you dont trust her in order to open up. For a lot of women these are the fundamentals of a relationship for them. She obviously wanted to bond with you emotionally ..by each of you sharing your woes and details of your life. I guess if you're a private kind of guy, youre going to have to find a woman who can be secure and be understanding of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ollie180 Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I think trying to keep your ‘private sense of self’ separate from you ‘long term relationship / teammate for life’ would feel counter productive to me! Its context though isn’t it! My last ex - I’d trust her to carry ANYTHING to her grave! Whereas my gf before her couldn’t really keep her mouth shut (not on purpose, just her way). At the respective times they were both my go to sounding board for life.......but if it was like planning a surprise party for one of my friends - then I probably wouldn’t have told that to the second girl (she would understand that I think). That said.... I feel like I’m not a very private guy.. I don’t care if gf tells her best friend ‘Ollie’s changing job’, I don’t care if she tells her mum ‘Ollie thinks banning palm oil isn’t the solution’, and I don’t care if she tells Katie from nextdoor ‘Ollie lived near there when he was fostered’. 🤷🏼♂️ I don’t feel like I have anything really that I wouldn’t tell anyone if they straight up asked me so, although I do think being able to tell your partner stuff is important, maybe the more open you are as a person the less you notice it ever being a problem 🤔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 (edited) I have an idea. Too late re your ex, but for next next time. If /when your girlfriend tells you she shares everything with her sister, her best friend or whomever, how about asking her with respect to things YOU share with her privately, if she would refrain from sharing those things with others. That they are personal private things between the two of you that you share with her in confidence and would prefer they remain that way. Gauge her response. If she objects or argues then you and she are on completely different wavelengths and probably best to go separate ways. I'll be honest, if I discovered my bf shared personal private things about me with others, things that I have shared with him in confidence, I would be furious. I don't think I would dump him, but I would ask him what I proposed above first, but if it continued, I would consider ending the RL. To some it may not be a big deal but to others like myself it is. It is not even about my having things in my past I am ashamed of, it's the principle. Personal private matters shared in confidence between intimate partners should remain private, between them.. In my opinion. Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 The thing is partners don't easily disclose bad stuff about their spouses because they (the partners) feel embarrassed to do so. Partners want to make the relationship work in their own heads. Most are afraid to make some things public (even to close friends) for fear of being harshly judged ... and for fear of facing a bad reality. I believe in disclosing as necessary for sanity ... but my ex was doing such nutty stuff that I was too embarrassed to share what she did with other people. And not just embarrassed but afraid of facing her nutty behavior with my own eyes. If I disclosed to my friends what she did in real time, I would have had to face the insanity much earlier when I wasn't ready. Critical disclosure is self-limiting. After all, who the heck wants to tell friends that their partner they are committed to is an addict or viciously lashes out or whatever? I'm known as a person who can get people comfortable sharing about anything (part of this was just biology, part the job I had required me to listen and ask personal questions) ... and people are extremely cautious, extremely reluctant, to reveal too much negative stuff about spouses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 You have to keep in mind that when you're dating someone they're going through the process of figuring out who you are exactly and deciding whether they want to be with you or not. And most people find having an occasional discussion about it with a third party helpful. I wouldn't fault a partner for that. If you're a military officer and your date is leaking the nuclear missle codes, then yeah, there's a problem. But if it's just something that you find embarrassing then it would be better to overcome your shame. Shame isn't sexy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 On 5/25/2020 at 9:52 PM, simpycurious said: Would discussing the theory of quantum electrodynamics constitute being TOO cerebral and boring? I do agree being mysterious, captivating and alluring are priceless It was a serious question although it might appear otherwise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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