Is Expecting Your Partner to be a Confidant Asking Too Much?

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think it's too much to ask for a woman to keep everything private from her closest people. There are exceptions of course like there would be no matter who confided in you. If there was a reason you need to keep something secret than you need to be able to do that. But it's kind of a survival trait with women that they need their closest people to kind of know what's going on with them in their relationship. They should say anything that would humiliate you. 

I had the same thought. ‘You had a good thing. You found a woman who only told your secrets to her family’ lolz 

truly... he is well within his right to keep some things private and secret. But I don’t think it was the issue at all, for the record 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Kballer]

and there.. Right there... for all to see... is the reality... Women CANNOT keep anything a secret.. That's not an issue.. I just want it on record that any dude that gets upset about his "girl" spilling his business to anyone that will listen has no one to blame but himself... The OP has it right.. But he is not likely to find a woman, that shares his beliefs that what is shared between them is only for their personal consumption. It's a sad reality.. But reality it is.. If you want a secret kept, the only person that can know is YOU....

[poppyfields]

Thnx cookies I see your point.  Maybe we are talking about two different things, because yes my ex was cerebral, emotionally closed, seemed indifferent and okay, boring!   You were spot on about that.  

Which may be different from what is being discussed here -- which is not being more open and feeling comfortable sharing confidences. 

I agree, a little mystery is good and keeps attraction alive.

But I dunno, I am so open, I love sharing and if my bf doesn't trust me enough to feel open with me (not about everything I don't expect that), that is going to cause me to lose trust in him.

Another woman may not have a problem with it, like you wouldn't, which is okay. 

No wrong or right as far as I am concerned, to each their own.  

 

 

.

Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

@simpycurious I agree. I think we all want that and vice versa. We want someone we can trust with anything and trusts us back with anything. But practically, it can be much more difficult. That’s not to say I expect my SO to be a Vulcan. I love it when a guy feels close enough with me to share some of his secrets. It’s hot 

 

Poppy, yes I can explain my belief.  It is atypical of how I see romantic attraction work. I can explain it best by saying I believe in two categories of  ‘cons’ that motivate  our attraction/desire to be with someone. One are cons that decrease our attraction to the person. Things like neediness, let themselves go, boring...We don’t like it and we lose interest. . Then there’s  cons we also don’t like, but actually increase our interest in the person. A little secrecy/mystery is one of these. We don’t like it, but at the same time,we love it. I don’t see holding back some things/keeping it private because they’ve expressed to you that you talk too much to others as being as strong of a motivator to break up as being closed off emotionally or “cerebral” (that actually reads as boring and emotionally disconnected from you to me.) In addition,, I’m not proud to say I’ve done some misdirection of the same ilk when breaking up with someone. It’s not malicious. It’s used to soften the blow from the breakup and usually accomplishes its goal. The only fallout is that these people never have the true reason as to what happened and perpetually make the same mistake in their next relationship.  Just my 2 cent. 

To me, it comes down to being able to OPEN yourself up to someone.  Being vulnerable enough to share your thoughts, desires and dreams with another.  Cerebral people tend to be DEEP thinkers but often get to immersed in THEIR world.

Edited May 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[simpycurious]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thnx cookies I see your point.  Maybe we are talking about two different things, because yes my ex was cerebral, emotionally closed, seemed indifferent and okay, boring!   You were spot on about that.  

Which may be different from what is being discussed here -- which is not being more open and feeling comfortable sharing confidences. 

I agree, a little mystery is good and keeps attraction alive.

But I dunno, I am so open, I love sharing and if my bf doesn't trust me enough to feel open with me, that is going to cause me to lose trust in him.

Another woman may not have a problem with it, like you wouldn't, which is okay. 

No wrong or right as far as I am concerned, to each their own.  

 

 

.

Would discussing the theory of quantum electrodynamics constitute being TOO cerebral and boring? 

I do agree being mysterious, captivating and alluring are priceless 

[Shining One]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

True.  But I understood that the OP didn't share only because she'd blab to her sister.  

Correct. She made it clear to me early on that she shares everything with her sister. Once she told me this, I chose not to share certain things.

[poppyfields]

Also I wanted to clarify that I don't go blabbing what my bf shares with me privately to anyone, not friends, family. No one. 

I can't even imagine doing that or why I would.  And my siblings don't tell me personal things their partners share with them either. 

And I don't think it's fair to say it's in a woman's DNA to do that, because it is simply not true.  Not for all women.  

[Miss Spider]

Haha I wanna make it clear I was half joking about that too. Yes a lot of women talk but lots (myself included) can keep a secret safe too. I was only serious aboutthe second part of my post ! 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

I knew you were joking cookies or half joking, it's all good, you good peeps. 

[Kballer]

Poppyfields-praise be to you. I don't think it is in *all* womens DNA.. Just quite a few of them. Those that are able to share an intimate, deep, emotionally satisfying relationship understand what it means to have, and share, a confidence, with a partner that is not, and would not, ever be forsaken. It's such a rare thing to find now-a-days. It takes the relationship to a much higher, and hotter, level, when that kind of trust is established, and maintained. I don't even think that many people-both men, and/or women, even realize the importance of maintaining trust between themselves. It's not uncommon for people to share openly problems that they are having in their relationships with their close friend(s) and at the same time not even have an open, or frank, discussion, with their actual PARTNER! Crazy.. Why would you discuss the intimate details of your life, and situation, with someone who has no bearing on the outcome? I can't even begin to think along those lines. When I'm with someone.. It's you and me against the world! I'm not bringing other people into the situation with, or without, you knowing it. If I trust that YOU are the person I am to be with, and I'm invested in you... YOU & I are the only people in the world that matter and everyone else can go.... politely....  you know the rest...

[poppyfields]

Thank you kballer, well said!  I agree with all of it!  Which is why you will never see a thread about my bf.  When there is an issue, I talk to him!   

Anyway, changing subjects for a sec, "praise be," are you a fan of The Handmaids Tale? lol

I haven't heard "praise be" in a long time! 

Back to topic....

Edited May 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Kballer]

Blessed be the fruit... of your words!

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, next time if you don't trust a sister, don't get involved with the person.

Getting involved and not disclosing is a complete waste of time. You'l have far more success, driving the emergency  brake on ... and pressing the gas with one foot and the power breaks with the other.  

The relationship cannot go anywhere if you don't disclose some of your core feelings. Now if you don't like someone's sister, don't date them. I know some women who are close to their sisters. I have a close friend like that ... and I assume she shares some of what I say to her sister. I LOVE her sister, and her sister doesn't say anything to me about anything she hasn't been directly told. That's the etiquette.

There is no point of a relationship if you're going to clam up. We only get acceptance through disclosure. We share something we're insecure about, our partner loves us anyway ... and that's how people heal ... Combine affection when we disclose a weakness or insecurity ... with appreciation for our strengths and you're rocking and rolling as a human being in a relationship. 

So was there something about the sister you don't like? Because the next woman you date may not have a sister she tells things to ... but probably will have a close friend. Heck, people sometimes share stuff about partners to work colleagues they trust. 

I'm thinking dang dude, you want to get your partner to sign a NDA? So what it something specific about the sister that bugged you? 

If you are living in such fear of being rejected, then work on that! We're all flawed dude ... we all have our oddities and quirks and vulnerabilities. The goal is to find someone who can work with our vulnerabilities--not to hide our vulnerabilities. 

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Emilie Jolie]

Of course, the stuff you're told in the strictest  of confidence you take to the grave (or cremated equivalent) and hope you partner would do the same but I've not knowingly been in a situation where I could not trust a partner to spill the beans to all and sundry. These are very unusual situations, though. You should be able to trust your partner implicitly to recognise the difference between seriously big confidences (which likely involve other people too) and stuff about you or your RL they should be able to talk about with trusted third parties. 

What I don't understand in that scenario, Shining, is why you didn't break things off because you didn't trust your partner.

[chillii]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Also I wanted to clarify that I don't go blabbing what my bf shares with me privately to anyone, not friends, family. No one. 

I can't even imagine doing that or why I would.  And my siblings don't tell me personal things their partners share with them either. 

And I don't think it's fair to say it's in a woman's DNA to do that, because it is simply not true.  Not for all women.  

 

And l'd second this motion . It's ridiculous assuming a woman just has to blab , yeah maybe the shallow type but not anyone with some degree of depth and intelligence . Blabbing my personal thoughts and confiding would get her the boot  , and l'd expect the same and she'd know that.

 

 

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Kballer said:

Poppyfields-praise be to you. I don't think it is in *all* womens DNA.. Just quite a few of them. 

Wow, that's a turn around from ALL women can't keep a secret 

[Shining One]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So was there something about the sister you don't like?

No. I actually like her sister very much (not romantically). I'm still on good terms with both of them. However, I dislike the idea of things told in confidence being shared with someone other than the person I shared it with.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Shining One said:

No. I actually like her sister very much (not romantically). I'm still on good terms with both of them. However, I dislike the idea of things told in confidence being shared with someone other than the person I shared it with.

Have you asked your wife not to share something with her sister? What was her response?

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, whether announced or not, anyone you date--anyone!!--is going to share some of your "secrets" with friends. 

And you would  be foolish not to share things you have learned with friends. There is no more efficient way of making dumb decisions in a relationship that isolating yourself (by not disclosing what you want about your partner to friends).

First step abusers take: isolate the partner from friends. Why? Because the partner is now dependent on them ... and can't get the fresh air of thinking out loud with friends. 

BTW: you do know that your partner was also disclosing all the great things she liked about you to her sister? You want her to hide that as well? 

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think it's effed-up if you cannot trust your partner, of long-term and commitment, love, as a confidante. I would be hesitant with someone I am 'dating,' but once a solid commitment is made, how unfortunate it would be if you cannot tell your partner how and what you feel with confidence. 

 

[simpycurious]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Also I wanted to clarify that I don't go blabbing what my bf shares with me privately to anyone, not friends, family. No one. 

I can't even imagine doing that or why I would.  And my siblings don't tell me personal things their partners share with them either. 

And I don't think it's fair to say it's in a woman's DNA to do that, because it is simply not true.  Not for all women.  

That is stereotyping all women (that they can't keep a secret) and simply not TRUE.  I agree ^^ "not for all women"

 

9 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I think it's effed-up if you cannot trust your partner, of long-term and commitment, love, as a confidante. I would be hesitant with someone I am 'dating,' but once a solid commitment is made, how unfortunate it would be if you cannot tell your partner how and what you feel with confidence. 

 

It would be effed-up to me as well.  

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, Shining One said:

Correct. She made it clear to me early on that she shares everything with her sister. Once she told me this, I chose not to share certain things.

Did you ever preface things you would like to share with her by saying that it has to be just between the two of you? 

I think your partner should be your number one confident, especially a guy to his gf (there are studies on this).  Not across the board with all subjects.  But if it wasn't progressing to where you were opening up some, I can see her issue.  You would have had every right to build trust with each other by saying that what you tell her in confidence is just for the two of you to know.  And then you would just have to take a chance with a little bit of it and see how it goes.  That is the nature of progressively more serious relationships.

Of course, I think people should take into account that people have a different set point as far as how open they are in general. One partner may be very open in general and the other less so inclined.  I don't think it's reasonable to ever know everything on a partner's mind (and not sure one wants to!!).  Perhaps if she was sharing too much with her sister & you didn't feel safe & what you tell her is just then public info (some people do that!!) then she just wasn't mature enough or the right one for you.  Don't beat yourself up but perhaps try to build trust and stretch yourself with the next person & make sure they earn your trust in increments should make it easier & fulfilling too. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I can now see the weirdness of hearing that your partner shares everything with a sister. And if that doesn't work for you, don't date the person.

The kind of disclosure that I defend happens only occasionally. Part of figuring out if you want to date someone or marry someone is getting your mind and heart about some of their weaknesses ... or quirks ... or simply some of the differences they have with us. Friends are central to helping people figure out if this person is good for us. The listening friend carefully reads the body language of the friend who is talking about a partner. If the partnered friend seems really happy (or committed to the relationship) the listening friend typically goes with that. A listening friend does not mock the partner being discussed because such a reaction will anger and betray the partnered friend. (I'm not talking about divorce conversations--when things are totally falling apart. In that scenario, the listening friends have more permission to be critical of the partner.)

My friends disclose about a partner when they're at a rocky, fragile point in the relationship. That's when they need to air out their feelings about their partner and yes, this typically gets very specific. It has to be specific. Typically I just listen.  If the friend asks me a question, I might offer a suggestion .. and then ... I don't bring up that topic again. I let THEM bring it up. Sometimes they don't. And when I later see the partner, I basically block out anything I've heard about them. I don't look down on the partner because I know my friends have quirks that are driving the other person nuts sometimes. 

So my scenario might be different from knowing that a partner tells everything to a sister. Again, exit this situation if that doesn't work. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[preraph]

To me, it sounds like you may have too many things you're ashamed of, so maybe try not doing things you would care if other people knew about.  That's pretty much been my credo and compass.  

[serial muse]

4 hours ago, Shining One said:

No. I actually like her sister very much (not romantically). I'm still on good terms with both of them. However, I dislike the idea of things told in confidence being shared with someone other than the person I shared it with.

Hey Shining One - I was a little confused by the earlier posts, so just wanted to understand something. From the way you phrased it here, I couldn't tell if you guys had discussed this in an abstract, aspirational sort of way about relationship ideals:

Her, at some point early in the relationship: My sister and I are very close, I tell her everything.

You, at some later point in the relationship:  I don't feel like I can tell you things in confidence, because you're so close to your sister.

 

...or whether it was a specific conversation that included the cause-and-effect all at once, with no ambiguity:

You: I don't want to tell you this thing because I don't want you to share it with your sister. And I worry about that a lot, which is why I don't tell you more things.

Her: Well then we have to break up, because I'm not going to promise that I won't share something.

 

I just was curious about how it actually went down, because the first one could be just a misunderstanding about priorities and ideals, an example of two people talking past one another. But if it was more like the second one, then - to answer your larger question - that is just odd, and she needs to establish some boundaries!