Sharing custody of a new dog with his ex

[Malin889]

17 hours ago, May Showers said:

I will not be raising this baby on my own. My boyfriend has committed to being with me, long before the baby came along. The move to his house would be temporary while I heal. I am also considering stay at my own house on the main floor so the kids don't have to change residences. They love my bf's house though and have been excited at the prospect of living there for a while. My children were my first consideration. That is why I didn't jump at my bf's suggestion that we move in with him. His house isn't the best long term for my kids. My relationship with my boyfriend is secure. Everyone goes through challenges and differences of opinion. We have made a pledge to each other. We have not yet involved the state.

"My boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs." This is how it is coming across to me as well.

Why doesn’t he just move to your house and sell his house? 

[mortensorchid]

Wow, just when you think you've heard it all ...

Although it's kind of odd now how people treat their pets.  It used to be that if the dog or cat was diagnosed with dog/cat cancer or they were in an accident, then the dog/cat was put down and that was that.  Now that's not the case.  Although I did know of a guy in the past who said he had a former gf who he shared custody of the dogs with and they were always moving them back and forth.  I've also met my fair share of those who broke up / got divorced and usually one party ends up with the dog, they get tired of having to shuttle it back and forth.  However, this business of getting a new puppy, however, is what is surprising.  The puppy is obviously replacing the dog who died, but this puppy is also to go between your bf and his ex wife?  Um ... No.  That's not his dog, it's his ex wife's.  At least point out this fact to him.

Will he insist on still bringing this dog to and from?  If so he's trying to replace the dog who died.  I am also concerned about the ex wife having the puppy also go back and forth like the previous dog.  Ask him specifically why he wants this puppy to go to and from like the old dog when it's not his.  If he has any respect for you if you are uncomfortable with the puppy, he will tell his ex wife that he will not transport the new puppy as he did the old dog. 

[Pumaza]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You don't get it. 

That is not how it works for some people.

He also has made it clear he does not want to get  a dog with the OP.
Why would he? 
He already has two dogs.

 

Nah you dont get it! and i wasnt talking to you.bye

[Timshel]

Guilt and regret are powerful emotions.  The two of you became so easily pregnant, within two years.  Beyond the the 'new puppy,' this is something perhaps to be addressed. 

[May Showers]

On 5/14/2020 at 5:31 AM, Malin889 said:

Why doesn’t he just move to your house and sell his house? 

Thank you everyone who replied. We had a good talk about everything. I'll address the above and then say what we have decided.

He doesn't just move into my house because we discussed it and it's not what either of us wants. I am more comfortable with him not coming permanently into my space, or me into his; We would rather choose a place that is ours. We love coming over and spending time at each other's place, but living there is a whole other thing. Plus with the market, we want to see what happens because we need a big house and those are going to be coming down in price over the next year. I know that's super weird but remember this is the coming together of two extrememly independent people who happen to really click and love each other.

We hadn't communicated since that hangup night for a day or so. Then, I had a fairly serious medical issue related to the pregnancy. I didn't need the hospital but it was not good. I sent him a message about what happened and he came right over with dinner for me and took care of me. I didn't ask him to come over, the text was to inform him of what happened, but he came and it meant a lot.

(In the past, I was in a relationship where we'd had a disagreement and he left my house to hang out with friends, but then I got injured and called him to help me for a couple hours and he told me to deal with it myself. I broke up with that guy right after. I need a partner who is there for me even when he's mad.)

We discussed the dogs. He understands my view and he hears me. We have come to a compromise. He will only pick up the puppy when his dog seems sad and he's tried everything else to get him to be doing better AND I am not at his house.  (I know if I'm there I'm going to fall in love with that puppy, I really love animals so I need to steer clear so I don't become attached!) When we move in, he won't be getting his dog--or the puppy, at all. Then later on, when we get a house together, we will figure out if we get a dog together or what but he will pick up his dog until he eventually passes. When that happens, he won't be taking in his ex wife's dog or bringing over her new dog to our home. The dog sharing ends when his current dog passes.

And to the person who asked if he pays child support: he splits any vet bills down the middle and they each provide for the dog's needs at their own home. The fact that he did this without a court order and so amicably spoke well of his character.

Thank you again for helping me see his side and be able to come to an agreement where we both are getting what we ultimately want and we are also seeing to the dog's needs. Best of luck out there!

[CollinW]

People really need to stop treating dogs like children. This is weird and I think reflects a disillusioned view of the real world. 

[Timshel]

9 hours ago, May Showers said:

And to the person who asked if he pays child support: he splits any vet bills down the middle and they each provide for the dog's needs at their own home. The fact that he did this without a court order and so amicably spoke well of his character.

 

Dog support, you mean...we are posting about dogs, right?  Anyway, that's great news because outside of Cali, I am not aware of any judge who has the time or inclination to provide a court order for dog support in the US.

Good luck May Showers and best to your soon to be and other little ones.

[Malin889]

12 hours ago, May Showers said:

We discussed the dogs. He understands my view and he hears me. We have come to a compromise. He will only pick up the puppy when his dog seems sad and he's tried everything else to get him to be doing better AND I am not at his house.  (I know if I'm there I'm going to fall in love with that puppy, I really love animals so I need to steer clear so I don't become attached!) When we move in, he won't be getting his dog--or the puppy, at all. Then later on, when we get a house together, we will figure out if we get a dog together or what but he will pick up his dog until he eventually passes. When that happens, he won't be taking in his ex wife's dog or bringing over her new dog to our home. The dog sharing ends when his current dog passes.

And to the person who asked if he pays child support: he splits any vet bills down the middle and they each provide for the dog's needs at their own home. The fact that he did this without a court order and so amicably spoke well of his character.

“When the dog seems sad and he’s tried everything else to get him to seem better”?? I’m sorry, but it’s a DOG. 

“The fact that he did this without a court order... “ huh? Is that a thing? Do people go to court for custody of their dogs? As for this “speaking well of his character”— I’m sorry, but it’s a dog. He’s shown that he prioritizes the dog so of course he’s going to pay for the vet bill. 

Edited May 17, 2020 by Malin889

[Cookiesandough]

I’ve never been in the situation, so maybe my view is just too narrow, , but I think shared custody of a pet sounds ridiculous. This is coming from someone, however, you has considered joint custody with a beloved fish I got an ex for christmas(damn I really miss Mulgogi..) and having an who ex gave me a dog when I broke up with him, and when he found out a month later I was dating a guy he was loosely acquainted with, subsequently stole her back.  There are some difficult things you do to just avoid potential problems/messiness in your life and human relationships, and I think that as hard as it is, letting a pet be in one of the homes (the one who was closest/took the most care and responsibility) in the breakup is one. I mean, I’m not even sure being shuttled back and forth  between families is even the best thing for a dog?  And also, some people use these circumstances to keep a bond between them and their ex, just as much as with the dog. My ex who stole my dog didn’t even like dogs. Even the police officer told me it was obvious he was using her to get to me. I miss my dog a lot, but no way I would stay in that vindictive person’s life to see her...I could only let go and hope he’s taking care her. & yea there were lot of tears 

 

Anyway, I am an animal lover too,  but this just doesn’t sound quite  normal at all 

Edited May 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

On 5/17/2020 at 4:39 AM, Malin889 said:

“When the dog seems sad and he’s tried everything else to get him to seem better”?? I’m sorry, but it’s a DOG. 

When my dog died my other dog wouldn't eat properly for 2 months, she moped about.
She would eventually eat a cat food pouch a day, but lost  a lot of weight.
Vet said Border Collies often do that, they grieve for lost companions...

[simpycurious]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’ve never been in the situation, so maybe my view is just too narrow, , but I think shared custody of a pet sounds ridiculous. This is coming from someone, however, you has considered joint custody with a beloved fish I got an ex for christmas(damn I really miss Mulgogi..) and having an who ex gave me a dog when I broke up with him, and when he found out a month later I was dating a guy he was loosely acquainted with, subsequently stole her back.  There are some difficult things you do to just avoid potential problems/messiness in your life and human relationships, and I think that as hard as it is, letting a pet be in one of the homes (the one who was closest/took the most care and responsibility) in the breakup is one. I mean, I’m not even sure being shuttled back and forth  between families is even the best thing for a dog?  And also, some people use these circumstances to keep a bond between them and their ex, just as much as with the dog. My ex who stole my dog didn’t even like dogs. Even the police officer told me it was obvious he was using her to get to me. I miss my dog a lot, but no way I would stay in that vindictive person’s life to see her...I could only let go and hope he’s taking care her. & yea there were lot of tears 

 

Anyway, I am an animal lover too,  but this just doesn’t sound quite  normal at all 

This is vengeful behavior ^.  I am an animal lover as well and not quite sure how someone could do that to a beloved pet.  I feel sorry for the dog.

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

When my dog died my other dog wouldn't eat properly for 2 months, she moped about.
She would eventually eat a cat food pouch a day, but lost  a lot of weight.
Vet said Border Collies often do that, they grieve for lost companions...

Yep, she was missing her companion and her grief played out like that.