Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 28 minutes ago, kendahke said: Covid19; car accident, etc... So you mean in the chance that an otherwise health man in his 40s were to die, I'd be on my own? Well that's kind of a given any time you decide to have a child. 1
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 9 minutes ago, May Showers said: My boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs." This is how it is coming across to me as well. What makes you think he will give up us house and his independence to raise your still very young kids? 1
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: What makes you think he will give up us house and his independence to raise your still very young kids? Because he told me he would, when we made a commitment to each other and he discussed us moving in together. He loves my kids and they love him. 1
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 It's just right now, he's not acting like it anymore. I'm sure it's just everything at once and it's giving him a lot to think about.
Calmandfocused Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 15 minutes ago, May Showers said: I will not be raising this baby on my own. My boyfriend has committed to being with me, long before the baby came along. The move to his house would be temporary while I heal. I am also considering stay at my own house on the main floor so the kids don't have to change residences. They love my bf's house though and have been excited at the prospect of living there for a while. My children were my first consideration. That is why I didn't jump at my bf's suggestion that we move in with him. His house isn't the best long term for my kids. My relationship with my boyfriend is secure. Everyone goes through challenges and differences of opinion. We have made a pledge to each other. We have not yet involved the state. "My boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs." This is how it is coming across to me as well. So it seems you agree with me to a certain extent, however your missing my point and I think you’re in denial. Your boyfriend is committed.... to his life! Exactly as it is! Having you stay with him shortly after the birth is not a commitment. What happens after you recover from the birth? You and your children go back to your house, you (And your children as they will be affected) deal with all the night feeds, sleepless night and dirty nappies, whilst he gets to stay in his house and take a nice long leisurely walk in the park with his dogs. No screaming children, no sleepless nights ....Alright for some isn’t it? He’s not willing to change his life for you and prioritise you, that you admit. This indicates he is not committed to you. If he was he would have demonstrated commitment by now .... if not before, immediately at the point of you getting pregnant. Did he offer to move in with you? Did he propose? The answer is no I feel. I refer to my previous point: irrespective of whether your children enjoy staying over his house or not, you should not be uprooting them Willy nilly. You made an unwise choice here, my advice is not to make anymore that will be of detriment to your family. Btw: your worry about the dogs is a manifestation of a more deeper issue here. The dogs are not the issue, I think one day you’ll realise that. 1
Allupinnit Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 I'm a dog lover and would never consider shared custody of a dog with an ex. I took my dog when my last r'ship broke up and never looked back. Now she has a sister with me and my H. I could never in a million years imagine my ex coming by all these years later to pick up the dog for a week. LOL 4
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: So it seems you agree with me to a certain extent, however your missing my point and I think you’re in denial. Your boyfriend is committed.... to his life! Exactly as it is! Having you stay with him shortly after the birth is not a commitment. What happens after you recover from the birth? You and your children go back to your house, you (And your children as they will be affected) deal with all the night feeds, sleepless night and dirty nappies, whilst he gets to stay in his house and take a nice long leisurely walk in the park with his dogs. No screaming children, no sleepless nights ....Alright for some isn’t it? He’s not willing to change his life for you and prioritise you, that you admit. This indicates he is not committed to you. If he was he would have demonstrated commitment by now .... if not before, immediately at the point of you getting pregnant. Did he offer to move in with you? Did he propose? The answer is no I feel. I refer to my previous point: irrespective of whether your children enjoy staying over his house or not, you should not be uprooting them Willy nilly. You made an unwise choice here, my advice is not to make anymore that will be of detriment to your family. Btw: your worry about the dogs is a manifestation of a more deeper issue here. The dogs are not the issue, I think one day you’ll realise that. He offered for us to live with him in his house and had plans to remodel it to make it work. But it's far from my kids' school and that is a concern for me, so I said we should consider getting a house together at some point. Me living short term at his house is my idea. I know the stress of a newborn and small children. This will be new for him. He will be coming over to my house often after the switch. We have been discussing getting a new bed for my house because my mattress is kinda old, which I'm used to be he is not. And he said he loves me and would want to be with me whether or not I was having his child. And he is fine with taking the baby to his house on occasion to give me a night of rest. That would be less frequent than him staying with us because it's best for a baby to have one home and one primary caregiver for human bonding and development. We have discussed marriage and he says even though we haven't gone to a church or courthouse, he considers me as his wife. My worry about the dogs is really about him putting me ahead of his old life. I feel he is living in his past and trying to hang onto it, and I am living more in the future and looking ahead to it too much, and both of us need to meet together in the present.
Malin889 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: I don't see the issue really, but it may complicate things going forward when he gets attached to the new dog too. Exactly, that’s what I was suggesting
Malin889 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 29 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: I'm a dog lover and would never consider shared custody of a dog with an ex. I took my dog when my last r'ship broke up and never looked back. Now she has a sister with me and my H. I could never in a million years imagine my ex coming by all these years later to pick up the dog for a week. LOL Yes it’s just weird!
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 To some a dog just a dog, totally replaceable. To others a dog is a "child", part of the family totally irreplaceable. 3
ShyViolet Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 This whole sharing custody of dogs thing is completely ridiculous. If a couple has pets, and breaks up, one of the members of the couple should keep the pet(s). No going back and forth. It's just beyond silly. The ex wife should keep the dogs. And if your boyfriend is such a dog lover then he should adopt a new dog which will be 100% his. Adopt from a shelter, do not buy from a breeder. Then he's saving a new life. 5
Allupinnit Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: To some a dog just a dog, totally replaceable. To others a dog is a "child", part of the family totally irreplaceable. My dogs are like my children. But I know they're not like swapping human children back and forth who need a mother and father.
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: My dogs are like my children Yes but it seems the OP's bf and his ex wife couldn't have children, so I guess the dogs were not LIKE their children they WERE their children... Their child substitutes... Edited May 13, 2020 by elaine567 1
Allupinnit Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: Yes but it seems the OP's bf and his ex wife couldn't have children, so I guess the dogs were not LIKE their children they WERE their children... Their child substitutes... I mean I get that - I don't have ACTUAL children either. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 I agree that maintaining a "co-ownership/co-parenting" relationship of the dogs is bizarre and maintains a certain bond that should have come to an end with the end of the relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had the ex's dogs 40% of the time, or any of the time. But I don't see him taking well to you putting your foot down on the matter now. I think that ship sailed long ago. So all you can do now is accept it.
MsJayne Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 His dog was visiting him and got lonely without the new puppy? What about when his dog passes away...will he have to continue shared custody of the puppy which will by then be a grown dog and will need another companion, so there'll be another puppy, and so the cycle goes on? That's the question I would be asking him, is this about loving dogs or about an excuse to remain in his ex's life? If you broke up what would happen on the weekends he had your child? Would he also be looking after your other two kids so the youngest doesn't miss them and get lonely? It's good to be friends with an ex, it's not good to make them a big part of your life.
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 19 minutes ago, MsJayne said: His dog was visiting him and got lonely without the new puppy? What about when his dog passes away...will he have to continue shared custody of the puppy which will by then be a grown dog and will need another companion, so there'll be another puppy, and so the cycle goes on? That's the question I would be asking him, is this about loving dogs or about an excuse to remain in his ex's life? If you broke up what would happen on the weekends he had your child? Would he also be looking after your other two kids so the youngest doesn't miss them and get lonely? It's good to be friends with an ex, it's not good to make them a big part of your life. I did ask him that question, when he first said his exwife was looking for a new dog companion and that dog would be coming back and forth. He didn't have an answer for me. I put my foot down about this topic at that time, before she had chosen a dog, and I thought he had seen things my way, but I was mistaken. I think I would have less of an issue if the new dog were the same age as his current dog or older. The age gap presents an issue for the future. As to the human custody issue, that is overseen by the courts. As the situation stands, this little one will miss her/his siblings when they are with their dad. That's a given. But it seems my boyfriend does not like that comparison, thinks it's totally different. I don't know if his opinion on this topic will change when this little one arrives. Another poster was correct in assessing that for him, this dog is like his child. He has no other experience to draw from. I am going to answer if he calls, but otherwise wait a day or two, then reach out and make arrangements to meet and talk this over. All of you have given me a lot to think about and to see his side more clearly. I do appreciate it. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 7 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Really? Seriously? I'm sorry but I have had it with some of this relationship drivel I hear these days. Shared custody of dogs? Pick a home and cut the cord. Yep. I thought the same. It is also very strange that the bf would insist that a new puppy, not obtained during his relationship with ex, would need to be a part of a 50/50 joint-custody arrangement. My I say the obvious, the puppy should solely be the bf's ex's. Full stop. I feel there is definitely a bond between the ex and the bf. It is also strange that the ex-gf is agreeing to this? Pet lovers or no....just doesn't add up nor is it rational. 2
Snow_Queen Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 Based on this new information, it sounds like he’s made his decision. I do agree with those who’ve mentioned this seems to be a bond they share. They wanted children but had fertility issues. Thus, the dogs are now their children. In my opinion, it sounds like this will be an ongoing thing they wish to share together. As I said before, it’s something to accept or not. I do wish the best for you and hope I’m wrong in my assumption.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 57 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said: Based on this new information, it sounds like he’s made his decision. I do agree with those who’ve mentioned this seems to be a bond they share. They wanted children but had fertility issues. Thus, the dogs are now their children. In my opinion, it sounds like this will be an ongoing thing they wish to share together. As I said before, it’s something to accept or not. I do wish the best for you and hope I’m wrong in my assumption. Man, I hope it isn't to this point. This would be even more irrational.
Pumaza Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 Hahahhaah sorry this is new to me. shared custody over dogs? Lol Your boyfreind and his ex are using dogs to stay connected. This dog thing will always give them a reason to call, text, and go to eachother.And same time they can always hide behind ""it was for the dogs"". Dont get fooled. You should have adressed this day one and end it if he wont stop this nonsense. If you want respect,demand it. Tell him you dont like this dog thing and it needs to end. He can get new dogs and make new memories with you. If he is a animal lover or dogs lover,he will love any dog. Specially if you and him picked a new dog. Dogs are not humans,You can get over them quicker. And maybe in the future if he really miss the dog or wanna see how he is doing,he can go with YOU to see the dog. Dont get fooled.
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 4 minutes ago, Pumaza said: If he is a animal lover or dogs lover,he will love any dog. Specially if you and him picked a new dog. Dogs are not humans,You can get over them quicker. You don't get it. That is not how it works for some people. He also has made it clear he does not want to get a dog with the OP. Why would he? He already has two dogs.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 (edited) I haven't read all of the posts on this thread, so may have missed anyone who is seriously questioning his willingness to adopt a puppy (dog) by his ex. Why is he taking ANY ownership or interest in a dog that was not present when he was dating his ex??? If true, the ex and the bf view their dogs as children that they couldn't have, would this not be comparable to a man adopting the child of an ex while in a relationship and expecting, with another woman? This guy still has one foot in his past relationship as I see it and it's not just about being dog lovers. Edited May 14, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 3
introverted1 Posted May 14, 2020 Posted May 14, 2020 (edited) I'm going to guess that the majority (if not all) of the posters who think their dogs are like children to them don't actually have human children. They are not the same. 12 hours ago, May Showers said: As the situation stands, this little one will miss her/his siblings when they are with their dad. That's a given. But it seems my boyfriend does not like that comparison, thinks it's totally different. Your little one may enjoy having time as an only child. Especially if there is a large-ish age gap. I would not assume this is a forgone conclusion. But, to your point, yes... the idea that the dog's perceived unhappiness at being alone 40% of the time is more important than your shared child's possible unhappiness at being alone 50% of the time does suggest that your bf is slightly clueless about children, and that's putting the best possible spin on it. It's hard to reconcile his seeming willingness to have a completely unstable existence for your shared child -- I still can't work out who is going to live where once the immediate healing from the c/s is done -- with his concern for the shared dog. I suppose there also haven't been any discussions about dogs and babies, both of whom will be occupying the same floor space in a few months. ETA: before someone goes there: I have a dog. I foster dogs and cats for my local animal shelter. I love my dog. He's a rescue. I would never abandon him. I also would not share custody of him. Edited May 14, 2020 by introverted1 1
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