Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, Malin889 said: I already have a biased opinion about exes sharing a dog... I don't like it. Personally I think it's a way for exes to stay in contact, and I think that most likely, there is still something between the exes if they have to share a dog after breaking up. Somebody's not over someone else. I've never had a dog, but I did adopt a cat when I lived with my ex, and I took the cat with me when I left. There was no "sharing" of the cat's time. I had a friend whose ex boyfriend shared custody of his dog with his ex, the ex sometimes kept the dog for 2 weeks at a time. Seriously?? He had a bunch of huge red flags, so that's another story. But still. Anyway. I have a few questions as your post confused me a tad. 1. My boyfriend had two dogs that he shared custody of with his exwife (60% her 40% him) -- Huh? 60/40? How did you figure that out? Did they get it written up in court? 2. I planned to move in with him, with my children, for a short time after the baby comes, then return to my house where he would come over often to help. I don't understand what this means. Why would you move in, then leave? 3. Plus a built-in dog sitter is nice. Who is the built-in dog sitter? The ex? I don't get it. Him taking the new dog is ridiculous! If it's her dog, then the dog should stay at her house. How long have they been broken up? The fact that he hung up on you is very immature. There should be no competition between you and the dog, and I don't think there is. I DO think there is competition between you and the ex. That is a whole other story. If you weren't having a child with him, I would tell you to leave him. But, the child is a whole other story. You need to talk to him obviously. How long has it been since this hang up happened? 60/40 is my approximation. I wanted to establish that it's not an even split. There are no court documents regarding the dogs. His house is not set up for us to live there long-term. There are enough rooms if kids double-up, but it is far from the school. During the homeschooling, this isn't an issue but it will be when the restrictions are lifted. It will be a logistical nightmare in the mornings and during school pick up. My house has a long staircase to the second level. That will be an issue after a c/s, which I medically have to have. His house has the bedrooms, kitchen, living room on one level. Yes the ex is a built-in dog sitter for him now. She has a big yard like he does. My yard is small as I wanted it to be easy to care for. I bought my home before meeting my boyfriend. I agree that it was not cool of him to hang up on me. That happened late last night.
kendahke Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 1 hour ago, May Showers said: I started to ask him what if our child missed his/her siblings, would we just drop our child off at my exh's house? That's apples and oranges--a child isn't a canine and the state has a whole different view regarding the welfare of children. Quote Would my kids become attached to the new dog only to have him/her stop coming once the other dog (now 7 years old) passes away? Quote My kids dad has a dog and some cats. So, what happens when your ex's dogs and cats die? Won't they be just as, if not even more, sad about that? You'll just have to explain death to your children in terms they can understand. No, your boyfriend shouldn't have lied by omission. That's a non starter. However, he's bonded to his dog and his dog has now bonded to the new companion pup. Quote Why not just get a new dog with me? You getting a newer dog for a house you don't live in was a bad idea to even throw into the argument since as you said: Quote we have a newborn coming and it would be too much. Was this new baby planned? Is the impending birth something he's rebelling against?
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 The hanging up on thing was wrong, I agree, but that can easily be remedied by you saying, “I didn’t like you hanging up on me, it mad me feel bad” and see where that leads. Plenty of people share dogs after they split. It doesn’t mean that they’re immature or whatever else names people want to judge them as. It’s an arrangement by two people who both love the dog. Nothing more to it than that. They're split up. Saying they want to keep something going between them is ridiculous and dark thinking actually. It’d be like accusing someone of letting the kids see their other parent because they’re still hung up them. Ridiculous. 2
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 3 minutes ago, kendahke said: That's apples and oranges--a child isn't a canine and the state has a whole different view regarding the welfare of children. So, what happens when your ex's dogs and cats die? Won't they be just as, if not even more, sad about that? You'll just have to explain death to your children in terms they can understand. No, your boyfriend shouldn't have lied by omission. That's a non starter. However, he's bonded to his dog and his dog has now bonded to the new companion pup. You getting a newer dog for a house you don't live in was a bad idea to even throw into the argument since as you said: Was this new baby planned? Is the impending birth something he's rebelling against? Apples/organges is his take on that comparison too. I agree that my kids will be sad when their pets die. But the death of my bf's dog with the revokation of the now older exwife's dog would be like a double-death and I'd rather not set my kids up for that. I agree the dog has bonded to the puppy. The new baby was something we discussed before it happened: I said are we throwing caution to the wind here? Would you be happy if I got pregnant? And he said that he was fine with leaving it up to fate if we got pregnant or not. Fast forward a few months and we did. So we weren't trying but we weren't trying to prevent. But you bring up a point about rebelling against all these changes. That could be what the root is.
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, kendahke said: Is the impending birth something he's rebelling against? That is what i wonder too. he has a nice life where he works hard and he has custody of two dogs that the can feed and take for a nice walk. Fun! Soon he is going to be "invaded" with a new born and a pile of kids... and he is getting hassle over one of his dogs... No fun! 1
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, amaysngrace said: The hanging up on thing was wrong, I agree, but that can easily be remedied by you saying, “I didn’t like you hanging up on me, it mad me feel bad” and see where that leads. Plenty of people share dogs after they split. It doesn’t mean that they’re immature or whatever else names people want to judge them as. It’s an arrangement by two people who both love the dog. Nothing more to it than that. They're split up. Saying they want to keep something going between them is ridiculous and dark thinking actually. It’d be like accusing someone of letting the kids see their other parent because they’re still hung up them. Ridiculous. I agree. I don't feel this is about any feelings he has about his exwife, but the love he has for his dog, which is very sweet. What had me stop was the suggestion of getting a whole new dog with her. Why not get a whole new dog with me? From what people on this thread have pointed out, the arguments against this seem a bit weak.
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: That is what i wonder too. he has a nice life where he works hard and he has custody of two dogs that the can feed and take for a nice walk. Fun! Soon he is going to be "invaded" with a new born and a pile of kids... and he is getting hassle over one of his dogs... No fun! Sure, but these were all his decisions. He chose to date a single mom with a "pile of kids." He chose to go forward with not preventing a pregnancy and letting fate decide. If he just wanted to continue on in his bachelor life, why get involved with me?
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, May Showers said: Why not get a whole new dog with me? From what people on this thread have pointed out, the arguments against this seem a bit weak. Because maybe this arrangement of being a part time dog owner works out really well for him.
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, May Showers said: . If he just wanted to continue on in his bachelor life, why get involved with me? Ok but maybe it is just now hitting home. The lockdown has given a lot of people time to think. Edited May 13, 2020 by elaine567 1 1
preraph Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 Dogs are pack animals. They need other dogs. I do understand that you could get your own other dog or he could and I do understand that she could get herself another dog. Or they could do this. Dogs do need other dogs. One of my dogs died a couple of months ago and my little one wasn't overly bonded with her, but she's less secure and more whiny without another dog around. Here's the thing. Dogs or no dogs, if these two have any inkling to get back together, they are going to do it with or without this dog business going on. Please just accept it. Try not to worry about anyting because worrying about it isn't going to make them either get together or not get together. They're broken up for a reason. I don't know what that reason is. I don't know if it was a good or bad reason. But all you can do is control yourself. Look at it this way. Worst case scenario, they get back together. At least you know he's a good responsible dog owner doing right by his dogs. That probably means you'll do right by your child whether you stay together or not.
Snow_Queen Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, May Showers said: Sure, but these were all his decisions. He chose to date a single mom with a "pile of kids." He chose to go forward with not preventing a pregnancy and letting fate decide. If he just wanted to continue on in his bachelor life, why get involved with me? But you also made those decisions, too. It’s not just your bf who decided not to prevent pregnancy. Anyways, it sounds like he’s made it perfectly clear where he stands on this dog situation. You’ll have to be okay with or not. With a baby on the way, things are about to get really difficult. 3
Malin889 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 9 minutes ago, May Showers said: I agree. I don't feel this is about any feelings he has about his exwife, but the love he has for his dog, which is very sweet. What had me stop was the suggestion of getting a whole new dog with her. Why not get a whole new dog with me? From what people on this thread have pointed out, the arguments against this seem a bit weak. That’s the part that bothers me — him getting a new dog with her. Dog person or not, it doesn’t make sense to me. 1
kendahke Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 12 minutes ago, May Showers said: But the death of my bf's dog you're acting like death is imminent and you have no answers for your children and that's a conversation all parents have to have with their kids. 3
kendahke Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The lockdown has given a lot of people time to think. Once this lockdown is over, the divorce rate is going to blow the roof off of the courthouses across the country.
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said: But you also made those decisions, too. It’s not just your bf who decided not to prevent pregnancy. Anyways, it sounds like he’s made it perfectly clear where he stands on this dog situation. You’ll have to be okay with or not. With a baby on the way, things are about to get really difficult. I agree, but I was fine with having another baby and I am not rebelling against the pregnancy in any way. I chose a man who shared dogs with his ex and I was fine with that. I chose a man who had been married before and I was fine with that. See I think we both made it perfectly clear where we both stand on the dog situation. Is there some kind of middle ground we are not seeing?
kendahke Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, May Showers said: He chose to date a single mom with a "pile of kids." He chose to go forward with not preventing a pregnancy and letting fate decide. As did you... as a percentage of the datable and safe men in your age range, how many of them do you believe want someone with a lot of children in tow? Edited May 13, 2020 by kendahke
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, kendahke said: you're acting like death is imminent and you have no answers for your children and that's a conversation all parents have to have with their kids. A dog his dog's size will live another 3-5 years. That's not exactly "imminent" but it's not going to happen after they are all in college or something. My kids are in elementary school.
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 1 minute ago, kendahke said: As did you... and you'll be the one stuck with yet another child you have to support and rear. I'm guessing you are insinuating this man would abandon his child. If he would have this much of an argument over his dog, don't you think he'd be a coparent to his baby too? If you meant something else, please explain.
kendahke Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 1 minute ago, May Showers said: If you meant something else, please explain. Covid19; car accident, etc...
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, Malin889 said: That’s the part that bothers me — him getting a new dog with her. That's not technically true, she got a new puppy to stop the older dog getting sad and lonely. Now both dogs are part of the "custody" arrangement, as it would be unfair to separate them for days every week. I don't see the issue really, but it may complicate things going forward when he gets attached to the new dog too.
Calmandfocused Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 (edited) I’m sorry but I think you’ve got bigger problems to worry about than this. You are pregnant by a man that you do not live with, are not married to, and you will be raising this baby on your own with your two existing children. And you expect that you will deal with this situation by ferrying your existing children between residences, just because that suits you and your partner? Have you actually considered your children in this? Haven’t they got enough to deal with by going backwards and forwards between you and your ex? Give your children (including the baby) some consistency as your first priority. Think about them and their needs. And put them priority over your worries about these dogs! You should have ensured that you were in a secure relationship with a man before getting pregnant by him. Very irresponsible! Your boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs. Stop worrying about this and focus on stability for you and your family instead. I sense this situation won’t change - he will have the dogs as and when he pleases whilst you raise his child in your house. Edited May 13, 2020 by Calmandfocused 1
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 16 minutes ago, kendahke said: As did you... as a percentage of the datable and safe men in your age range, how many of them do you believe want someone with a lot of children in tow? Most of them. We are in our 40s.
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I’m sorry but I think you’ve got bigger problems to worry about than this. You are pregnant by a man that you do not live with, are not married to, and you will be raising this baby on your own with your two existing children. And you expect that you will deal with this situation by ferrying your existing children between residences, just because that suits you and your partner? Have you actually considered your children in this? Haven’t they got enough to deal with by going backwards and forwards between you and your ex? Give your children (including the baby) some consistency as your first priority. Think about them and their needs. And put them priority over your worries about these dogs! You should have ensured that you were in a secure relationship with a man before getting pregnant by him. Very irresponsible! Your boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs. Stop worrying about this and focus on stability for you and your family instead. I sense this situation won’t change - he will have the dogs as and when he pleases whilst you raise his child in your house. I will not be raising this baby on my own. My boyfriend has committed to being with me, long before the baby came along. The move to his house would be temporary while I heal. I am also considering stay at my own house on the main floor so the kids don't have to change residences. They love my bf's house though and have been excited at the prospect of living there for a while. My children were my first consideration. That is why I didn't jump at my bf's suggestion that we move in with him. His house isn't the best long term for my kids. My relationship with my boyfriend is secure. Everyone goes through challenges and differences of opinion. We have made a pledge to each other. We have not yet involved the state. "My boyfriend is committed to his house, he is committed to his independence and he is committed to his dogs." This is how it is coming across to me as well.
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2020 Posted May 13, 2020 11 minutes ago, May Showers said: We are in our 40s. Does he have any children?
Author May Showers Posted May 13, 2020 Author Posted May 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Does he have any children? No. He tried for a number of years when he was married but was not successful in conceiving, even with IVF.
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