Sharing custody of a new dog with his ex

[May Showers]

I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We are expecting a baby together. I have children from when I was married that I share 50/50 custody of with my exhusband. My boyfriend had two dogs that he shared custody of with his exwife (60% her 40% him).  We were looking at moving in together before COVID hit. We both own houses and don't feel comfortable with the market at this time. I planned to move in with him, with my children, for a short time after the baby comes, then return to my house where he would come over often to help. We plan to move in together in the future.

I was fine with the sharing of custody of the dogs as they had been a doggy duo for years and it showed me he could be civil after a relationship ended. Plus a built-in dog sitter is nice.

After we found out we were expecting, one of the dogs passed away suddenly. A few weeks after that, my bf's exwife said she wanted to get a puppy. My bf then indicated that this new dog would be going back and forth too.

I am very uncomfortable with this. Would my kids become attached to the new dog only to have him/her stop coming once the other dog (now 7 years old) passes away? Or would she then get another new dog which we would share with the ex? Why would he want to continue this bond with his ex? Would this mean we would be sharing dogs with his ex forever? Why not just get a new dog with me?

We had a long discussion. He is concerned about his dog's loneliness after his partner dog's passing. He doesn't want to get a new dog now because we have a newborn coming and it would be too much. I don't live with him yet so it doesn't really affect me at this time.  He feels I am asking him to give up his current dog. (I am not asking that.)

He heard me though and when his exwife got a new puppy, he didn't take her with his current dog during his days. Until yesterday.

He knew I had tons of work this week and wouldn't be coming to his house for a few days. His dog had been really down, so he got the puppy and had them both at his house for a couple days. When I asked on the phone how his dog was doing, he said "Good" without adding anything else. It was only later that night, when on another topic, that he said he had been busy that evening "feeding the dogs and walking the dogs" and I stopped him and said, "Wait, dogs? Plural?" And he paused and then admitted he had picked up the puppy because his dog had been sad without her, and that he didn't tell me because he knew how I felt about it.  I started to ask him what if our child missed his/her siblings, would we just drop our child off at my exh's house? At that point he hung up on me.

I am at a loss of what to do next. I am hurt that he lied by omission and hid this from me. I am concerned he is putting his dog's feelings ahead of my feelings. Do I reach out to him? Do I wait for him to reach out to me? Should we see an online counselor? What would you do??

[Snow_Queen]

This is a new one as I’ve never known anyone with such an arrangement. It sounds like they might share an emotional bond together over the dog (now dogs).

It doesn’t sound like you’re planning to live together permanently after the baby is born. Am I reading that correctly? What will he do when you’re temporarily residing with him and have the baby around? Is he planning to go to his ex’s house for dog visitation? Have you two discussed this?

These are questions you may want to ask. I wish I could offer more advice at the moment.

[May Showers]

Hi Snow Queen. Yes, we will not live together permanently at that time. Just long enough for him to help me as I heal after the birth. When the baby comes, he was still going to take just his dog but for maybe less time than he usually does. Typically it is Monday afternoon, Tuesday, then goes back Wednesday afternoon. He will not go to her house to see his dog. I did say if he wanted to pick up both dogs and take them to the park or something, fine, or if she needs a dog sitter for a trip or something, but I don't like the precedent if he's having the new dog stay with him multiple days as a custody arrangement. This is his ex's dog 100% and should be with her all the time, IMO.

[Fletch Lives]

Really? Seriously? I'm sorry but I have had it with some of this relationship drivel I hear these days. Shared custody of dogs? Pick a home and cut the cord.

Edited May 13, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[elaine567]

You will be fighting a losing battle there.
The new puppy is now part of the "family" and it would not be fair to split the older dog and the new puppy up for days every week.
Unfortunately when the older dog dies your bf will then be bonded with the new puppy and so it continues .
Your mistake was to get pregnant with a man you hardly know and who you don't live with and who shares a dog with his ex...

[Snow_Queen]

2 minutes ago, May Showers said:

Hi Snow Queen. Yes, we will not live together permanently at that time. Just long enough for him to help me as I heal after the birth. When the baby comes, he was still going to take just his dog but for maybe less time than he usually does. Typically it is Monday afternoon, Tuesday, then goes back Wednesday afternoon. He will not go to her house to see his dog. I did say if he wanted to pick up both dogs and take them to the park or something, fine, or if she needs a dog sitter for a trip or something, but I don't like the precedent if he's having the new dog stay with him multiple days as a custody arrangement. This is his ex's dog 100% and should be with her all the time, IMO.

Maybe a dog lover will weigh in on your situation and offer another point of view. 
 

I’d also be a uncomfortable as they now share a new dog together. They have mutually agreed to get another dog and share it. It’s somewhat understandable to want a companion for the current dog but if you eventually live together, this will impact you. This decision was basically between him and his ex.

What if you and your kids do grow attached, have behavioral issues with the puppy, etc? You do need to discuss your feelings about the situation. Let him know exactly how you feel. Otherwise, it will build resentment.

 

 

[balletomane]

I can understand an ex-couple feeling attached to a dog they'd looked after together, even if I might consider it a bit selfish to shlep the poor dog from pillar to post instead of just letting it stay in one house. But getting a shared new puppy? That doesn't make sense.

You have suggested that you and your boyfriend get a dog together, so clearly it's not that you have a problem with dogs. I'd point this out to your boyfriend. The issue is him maintaining a bond with his ex that requires them to be seeing each other every week. She can have her dogs. He can his. As you're all on friendly terms, you can use each other as dog-sitters if you're going away on a trip or something. But there's no need for them to have a shared dog.

[May Showers]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You will be fighting a losing battle there.
The new puppy is now part of the "family" and it would not be fair to split the older dog and the new puppy up for days every week.
Unfortunately when the older dog dies your bf will then be bonded with the new puppy and so it continues .
Your mistake was to get pregnant with a man you hardly know and who you don't live with and who shares a dog with his ex...

I don't think dating for two years means I "hardly know" him. The dogs he shared with his ex were of similar ages. It seemed likely they would pass within a someone similar time of each other. The one dog passed very young and created this new situation.  I was fine with the initial situation. The new situation is what I take issue with.

[May Showers]

4 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

Maybe a dog lover will weigh in on your situation and offer another point of view. 
 

I’d also be a uncomfortable as they now share a new dog together. They have mutually agreed to get another dog and share it. It’s somewhat understandable to want a companion for the current dog but if you eventually live together, this will impact you. This decision was basically between him and his ex.

What if you and your kids do grow attached, have behavioral issues with the puppy, etc? You do need to discuss your feelings about the situation. Let him know exactly how you feel. Otherwise, it will build resentment.

 

 

I have done this. I felt that he had listened as he was not taking the new dog for the last couple of months. This week I found out he took the new dog and did not tell me.  My kids are good with dogs as their dad has a dog and some cats. But I know they will grow attached. That is why I had a long discussion with him when his exwife was considering getting a puppy so we didn't establish a pattern with the new dog going back and forth with the other one. I thought we had nipped this in the bud. I get that his dog was sad without his companion. But why lie by omission to me? 

[amaysngrace]

He sounds really sweet to be so considerate of his dog’s feelings.

I don’t know why you’re giving him such a hard time about it.

He probably didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t get it and instead make it all about you.

[May Showers]

3 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

He sounds really sweet to be so considerate of his dog’s feelings.

I don’t know why you’re giving him such a hard time about it.

He probably didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t get it and instead make it all about you.

He is very sweet. Are you saying I should just say go ahead and take the dogs together for his days? How will this play out down the road? He is currently paying half of any vet bills and etc for his shared dog. Would he take on these responsibilities with the new dog? And what happens when this puppy inevitably outlives my boyfriend's dog? The puppy is now gone from our lives? These future questions are my concerns, not necessarily the present. I'm not in his house so it doesn't affect me right now. But it will. And it will affect my kids too.

[introverted1]

So why can't your bf get his own dog (doesn't have to be a puppy that needs training - shelters are full of older dogs that make wonderful pets)?  Then, when the shared dog visits, s/he will have a companion.  And the ex will have some quality time with the puppy. Then, when the share dog dies, so can the relationship with the ex.

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by introverted1

[May Showers]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So why can't your bf get his own dog (doesn't have to be a puppy that needs training - shelters are full of older dogs that make wonderful pets)?  Then, when the shared dog visits, s/he will have a companion.  And the ex will have some quality time with the puppy.

 

I have suggested this. Before COVID, he said he couldn't do that because of how often he travels for work. I said it would be okay because then I'd have the dog when he is gone. He says my yard is not big enough. After COVID, he says it's because we will have a newborn in the next 6 months and he doesn't want to add a new dog at this time. 

Edited May 13, 2020 by May Showers
clarity

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, May Showers said:

I don't think dating for two years means I "hardly know" him. 

Well it is not a long time to know someone is it?
You live separately too.
Many dog owners would literally die for their dogs, such is the bond 
You are trying to come between him and his dogs and he doesn't like it one bit.
You are forcing him to choose and he shut you down
That is not really a good sign for you and your baby...
I get it you have it all figured out concerning the house moves but whose idea was that?
Does he really want you and all your kids moving in?

[amaysngrace]

Vet bills are nothing compared to all the other household bills for starters. 

Secondly, it takes time to bond with a new puppy.  I’m sure he likes it and all but he loves his dog.  Everything he’s doing is for the love of his dog.  

I’m not sure what’s going to happen.  My guess is she’ll keep that puppy and you’ll get one of your own, I think I read you were okay with that.

Anyway it’s not down the road, it’s today.  Can’t you just live in the moment?

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, May Showers said:

I have suggested this. Before COVID, he said he couldn't do that because of how often he travels. I said it would be okay because then I'd have the dog when he is gone. He says my yard is not big enough. After COVID, he says it's because we will have a newborn in the next 6 months and he doesn't want to add a new dog at this time. 

So this one new dog is a problem but the existing dog + new puppy are not a problem?

 

[May Showers]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Well it is not a long time to know someone is it?
You live separately too.
Many dog owners would literally die for their dogs, such is the bond 
You are trying to come between him and his dogs and he doesn't like it one bit.
You are forcing him to choose and he shut you down
That is not really a good sign for you and your baby...
I get it you have it all figured out concerning the house moves but whose idea was that?
Does he really want you and all your kids moving in?

When we discussed moving in long ago, before the baby, it was his idea for us to move in with him. He had some grand ideas about remodeling his house so it would work. Later, we discussed getting a house together but the timing was not right. The idea to continue living separately was mine. I know how hard the newborn stage is. We both work from home. Plus now I homeschool my other children when I have them. That's a lot, all at once, with no sleep for both adults. I'd like him to get some full nights of rest and occasionally have him do the same for me. His house can have us all there temporarily, but it's not a good fit for all of us together. The same is true of my house. That is why we would like to get a different house together after selling both of these.

[May Showers]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So this one new dog is a problem but the existing dog + new puppy are not a problem?

 

Because he can give the dogs to his exwife when he is on business trips, is his explanation to me. I agree it doesn't seem super logical. I am not sure what else is at play for him here, in his heart. I just want to understand.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So why can't your bf get his own dog (doesn't have to be a puppy that needs training - shelters are full of older dogs that make wonderful pets)?  Then, when the shared dog visits, s/he will have a companion.  And the ex will have some quality time with the puppy.

Dogs don't always get along and a dog with a regular companion can miss that companion if they are separated.

[May Showers]

6 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

Vet bills are nothing compared to all the other household bills for starters. 

Secondly, it takes time to bond with a new puppy.  I’m sure he likes it and all but he loves his dog.  Everything he’s doing is for the love of his dog.  

I’m not sure what’s going to happen.  My guess is she’ll keep that puppy and you’ll get one of your own, I think I read you were okay with that.

Anyway it’s not down the road, it’s today.  Can’t you just live in the moment?

I hear you. I often think about the future too much and am not as present as I should be. So would that mean he'd take both dogs until the baby comes, but what then? I want to do what is right for everyone: him, the kids, the baby, the dogs, me.

[amaysngrace]

4 minutes ago, May Showers said:

I often think about the future too much and am not as present as I should be. 

Why don’t you let him call the shots on the dog situation from now on?

He seems like his heart’s in the right place.

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, May Showers said:

I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years. We are expecting a baby together. I have children from when I was married that I share 50/50 custody of with my exhusband. My boyfriend had two dogs that he shared custody of with his exwife (60% her 40% him).  We were looking at moving in together before COVID hit. We both own houses and don't feel comfortable with the market at this time. I planned to move in with him, with my children, for a short time after the baby comes, then return to my house where he would come over often to help. We plan to move in together in the future.

I was fine with the sharing of custody of the dogs as they had been a doggy duo for years and it showed me he could be civil after a relationship ended. Plus a built-in dog sitter is nice.

After we found out we were expecting, one of the dogs passed away suddenly. A few weeks after that, my bf's exwife said she wanted to get a puppy. My bf then indicated that this new dog would be going back and forth too.

I am very uncomfortable with this. Would my kids become attached to the new dog only to have him/her stop coming once the other dog (now 7 years old) passes away? Or would she then get another new dog which we would share with the ex? Why would he want to continue this bond with his ex? Would this mean we would be sharing dogs with his ex forever? Why not just get a new dog with me?

We had a long discussion. He is concerned about his dog's loneliness after his partner dog's passing. He doesn't want to get a new dog now because we have a newborn coming and it would be too much. I don't live with him yet so it doesn't really affect me at this time.  He feels I am asking him to give up his current dog. (I am not asking that.)

He heard me though and when his exwife got a new puppy, he didn't take her with his current dog during his days. Until yesterday.

He knew I had tons of work this week and wouldn't be coming to his house for a few days. His dog had been really down, so he got the puppy and had them both at his house for a couple days. When I asked on the phone how his dog was doing, he said "Good" without adding anything else. It was only later that night, when on another topic, that he said he had been busy that evening "feeding the dogs and walking the dogs" and I stopped him and said, "Wait, dogs? Plural?" And he paused and then admitted he had picked up the puppy because his dog had been sad without her, and that he didn't tell me because he knew how I felt about it.  I started to ask him what if our child missed his/her siblings, would we just drop our child off at my exh's house? At that point he hung up on me.

I am at a loss of what to do next. I am hurt that he lied by omission and hid this from me. I am concerned he is putting his dog's feelings ahead of my feelings. Do I reach out to him? Do I wait for him to reach out to me? Should we see an online counselor? What would you do??

I already have a biased opinion about exes sharing a dog... I don't like it. Personally I think it's a way for exes to stay in contact, and I think that most likely, there is still something between the exes if they have to share a dog after breaking up. Somebody's not over someone else.  I've never had a dog, but I did adopt a cat when I lived with my ex, and I took the cat with me when I left. There was no "sharing" of the cat's time. I had a friend whose ex boyfriend shared custody of his dog with his ex, the ex sometimes kept the dog for 2 weeks at a time. Seriously?? He had a bunch of huge red flags, so that's another story. But still. 

Anyway. I have a few questions as your post confused me a tad. 

1. My boyfriend had two dogs that he shared custody of with his exwife (60% her 40% him)  -- Huh? 60/40? How did you figure that out? Did they get it written up in court? 

2. I planned to move in with him, with my children, for a short time after the baby comes, then return to my house where he would come over often to help. I don't understand what this means. Why would you move in, then leave? 

3. Plus a built-in dog sitter is nice. Who is the built-in dog sitter? The ex? I don't get it. 

Him taking the new dog is ridiculous! If it's her dog, then the dog should stay at her house. How long have they been broken up? 

The fact that he hung up on you is very immature. There should be no competition between you and the dog, and I don't think there is. I DO think there is competition between you and the ex. That is a whole other story. If you weren't having a child with him, I would tell you to leave him. But, the child is a whole other story. You need to talk to him obviously. How long has it been since this hang up happened? 

 

[introverted1]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Dogs don't always get along and a dog with a regular companion can miss that companion if they are separated.

I get that, but there is the same risk of the older dog not getting along with the new puppy as with whatever new dog the bf might get.

I think the bf's reaction to OP's valid question about their children is telling and there is more to this than the older dog's supposed loneliness.

Quote

"I started to ask him what if our child missed his/her siblings, would we just drop our child off at my exh's house? At that point he hung up on me."

 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

The very idea of "doggy custody" is ridiculous. Dogs are not human beings, grow the F up and move on. And this is coming from an animal lover! I let my ex keep our dog, and I got a puppy- new life, new pets. I cherish the 8 years I had with that dog, but he is loved and treated very well. Good luck 

[Malin889]

48 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Really? Seriously? I'm sorry but I have had it with some of this relationship drivel I hear these days. Shared custody of dogs? Pick a home and cut the cord.

Sadly, I knew someone who shared custody of a dog. Thankfully it wasn't anyone I dated. A friend dated him. Sadly it's more common then you think. I think it's ridiculous.  I feel like if they're sharing custody of a dog, then someone doesn't want to let go of the relationship. But that's just me. 

Edited May 13, 2020 by Malin889