Feeling low and empty, not sure what to do with my life

[homecoming]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'll try, and hopefully I can get some advice/input.

OK, so after a bit of a rough start to life that lasted up until my early 20s, as I got to my late twenties and my thirties I decided to go to university. As I didn't have qualifications, I had to begin right at the bottom - so in the UK that meant taking GCSEs (not sure of the US equivalent) and an 'access' course at the same time. Once completing this, I was able to enrol at uni. Three years later, I am about to finish my degree and go on to a Masters' Degree in the autumn. I have done well academically, but otherwise, not so much. 

During my time at uni, I had a few friendships and one relationship - they all failed. The failed relationship has affected me the most - it was very short but intense, and the person it was with just disappeared and didn't really treat me very well. The friendships also failed; one of them because of the relationship I was in; people in class weren't happy that I'd given this person another chance, and so some people stopped really talking to me. I see that as a bit of a personal failure, and should have known better. 

So I've left uni with no friends and no connections, and that makes me feel quite low. 

Over the years, before uni, I tried various ways to meet people; going to gigs alone, poetry clubs, festivals, all sorts of things. As I have social anxiety, most of these things have really pushed me out of my comfort zone and often I've had panic attacks before going out, but pushed through it. Rarely, really, did I enjoy doing these things, though. I presumed that going to uni was going to provide more opportunities to meet people, but it didn't seem to work out for me. Now that uni is over, I feel as if I am back to square one. 

In terms of the failed relationship, I am still quite hurt by it and don't feel over it or ready to meet anyone else, as I have had three relationships all fail in a row, and not sure I'm ready to take the risk again. 

I don't know what I would like to do as a career, and I have no idea how to begin even thinking about it, especially with the pandemic going on. 

Most days I just feel very very low, about the things I've written and other things too. I try to make myself feel better by doing small things that I enjoy, but I still feel empty inside, if I'm honest. I don't know what to do, to feel content. I feel very very alone, with no one to talk to, and some days I feel this odd balance of not wanting to be alive, but not actually wanting to end my life but just to stop existing, if that makes sense. 

I don't really know how to begin improving my life, as I feel I have tried it all in the past, and I have simply ended up back where I started, and don't feel as if I have the physical, emotional or psychological energy to try it all again. 

I really don't know if that made sense, but I wonder if there's anyone here who can offer any input?

[d0nnivain]

Have you tried therapy to get the heart of the issue?  

Even with social anxiety -- which could just be shyness -- you should still be able to form relationships & friendships.   It is harder to do that as we age but it is possible.  

Find something you enjoy & get involved with folks who share your passion.  

As for what to do, can you talk to a guidance or career counselor from your uni?  In the US alumni can avail themselves of those services.  You can also take some aptitude tests.  Think about academic things you like & that you are good at.  Where do they intersect.  That is your career.  

[Realitysux]

I hate feeling empty but it is a normal feeling and you have to fill it by yourself. The more you engage in your own life and fill it with things that make you happy, the emptiness will subside. 

[Ellener]

Try to reframe things, relationships aren't 'failed' because they didn't have a certain outcome.

I developed severe anxiety disorder and my closest friends told me a lot of my conversations and problems were really 'heavy' to deal with, I took the problems into therapy and have tried to be lighter spirited with others.

Re panic attacks, I use very low doses of beta blocker to prevent them when my heart starts racing. It's a physical 'flight or fight' response rather than a mental illness a really good psychiatrist told me, I also find avoiding alcohol, caffeine and other things which are anxiety triggers like the news, loud or aggressive people ( 'vexations to the spirit' as the Desiderata poem says! ) and managing my blood sugar, I'm diabetic. Exercise and good diet and general wellbeing have been key.

I revel in my achievements even things like getting through a difficulty or overcoming a 'failure'. I think joyfulness and happiness are things we have to practice, enjoying the simple things, learning resilience and patience.

You've done lots of things @homecoming well done, and keep exploring and growing.

[Foxhall]

ah its all ahead of you really,

friends, relationships, careers and opportunities they come and they go,   you are well able to unearth new ones,

Personally Ive probably missed out on more than I have gained, but I try to take the positive good memories out of the experiences, keep going forwards

new chances will pop up for you again, keep getting out there discovering what you like and make the few subtle changes to do better where you made a few mistakes before.

 

[homecoming]

On 5/13/2020 at 8:55 PM, d0nnivain said:

Have you tried therapy to get the heart of the issue?  

The issue being the social anxiety? Or just in general? 

I've been to many different therapists - here in the UK you have to pay privately and it's quite expensive. If you want it cheap (which I've done before), you don't really get the same quality of therapist, might be a trainee or someone that doesn't specialise in the type of therapy I'd need, for example say a trauma therapist. If I wanted to go through the NHS, it's a very long wait, and the therapist you get is the only choice - again, you might not fit, they might not be the right type of therapist, etc. I've done all of these methods, and didn't find any of it helpful. 

I'm not sure if I had the wrong therapists, or... I've also found that therapists have just told me where my issues have come from, but never offered ways to change or tackle things. I know where my issues stem from, but I don't know what to do about them. For example, a therapist will say to me "I've been thinking about what you said, and it's possible that this comes from your childhood" - and that's it, really. I already know that, lol. So I am also not really interested, any more, in sitting and going through all of my childhood trauma, just for someone to tell me what I already know, and not offer any solutions or help. 

I don't know if the way therapy is obtained in the US is different, but in the UK mental health and illness are not funded that well and many people struggle with getting help. I once tried to arrange a session with an actual psychiatrist, and they told me the assessment would be £500. I obviously didn't go, because that is half a month's wage, for many people. I can't afford to just part with large sums of money every week. I really don't know how it is in the US, but yeah. 

As for the career thing - my course is over now, and with the pandemic, all the services weren't really running very smoothly anyway. There isn't much support like that, at my uni. We went straight from a nationwide strike into a pandemic, so the entire course just became incredibly disrupted, then we were just cut off without support (which isn't their fault, but that's what happened). 

As for getting involved and meeting people.... I just don't have the energy to socialise right now. I have been doing it since my early 20s, and it hasn't ever worked. I tried getting involved in things and meeting people, it didn't work. I know that means to try again, etc - but the last three years were draining for me, socially and emotionally. I don't want to meet anyone else, friends or otherwise, right at this moment. I don't even know who I am. My mental health is very poor and I don't trust anyone anymore, so I don't think meeting people is the answer at the moment.

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, homecoming said:

I don't know if the way therapy is obtained in the US is different, but in the UK mental health and illness are not funded that well and many people struggle with getting help. I once tried to arrange a session with an actual psychiatrist, and they told me the assessment would be £500.

I think it's very similar anywhere- the more money you have the more choice.

I paid cash for the really good psych doctor then switched to a cheaper therapist.

There's online therapy nowadays especially since Covid, might be worth giving that a go, something called 6 Cups of Tea has peer counsellors for free.

Good luck.