Lowkey7 Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 Me and my girlfriend had a big falling out few days ago about her past as she has been married before and we both said things we didn’t mean. It first started with her asking for space and saying that if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance. That hurt me a lot because I’ve been so supportive and loving towards her through it out all. I was so stupid and childish to tell her to go back to her ex husband and I instantly regretted it, it was in the heat of the moment. We went back and forth over text until she spoke to her mum and told her that the relationship isn’t working anymore and that it’s best to end it. She even messaged my dad to tell him that it isn’t going to work. I’ve spoke to her and said I am sorry for everything I said and if I could I would take it all back and I don’t care what she said to me and that we will come out stronger from this. It’s the first major argument we’ve had. She is still stressed and going through a lot from her last marriage and the whole divorce process and I’ve tried my best to be supportive though it has been difficult for me too, to hear things on how much she loved him and the things they did together etc. If would be hard for anyone in love to hear that. I want this more than anything in the world, she is everything to me but I just don’t know what to do anymore, she isn’t having it. My dad has told me to give her some time as she is stressed but the way she spoke to me today and last few days doesn’t seem like she will change her mind. I honestly don’t know what to do. I would gratefully appreciate some advice. She also thinks I can be obsessive because I always want to buy her flowers and gifts randomly. Only 5 days ago, I purchased a £100 Charlotte tilbury online gift voucher and had it emailed to her, because I noticed she was stressed so I wanted to distract her and make her smile. Do you think I can fix this? Why do I feel I cant? She swore on God that she doesn’t want this anymore I’ll be honest, I’m normally a tough lad but I just can’t stop crying because of her ending it with me when I’ve been so good to her except these last few days we’re we both messed up, lockdown hasn’t helped as we haven’t seen each other in 8 weeks, the weekend before the lockdown we spent the weekend together and made love and promised to never leave eachothers side. She normally thinks the world of me that’s what kills me, she always tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her, until the last few days, everything just blown out of proportion. She said I’m obsessive, that I guilt trip and that I can be manipulative which I do not agree with at all. If the way I am with her, is obsessive then so be it, it’s called love in my eyes and wanting to make a difference to her life and to show her it’s not all doom and gloom, and that the past is the past for a reason and there are better things ahead. She said that I never give her time or space and that she hasn’t been able to mourn over her divorce properly cause I’ve been in her life. I’ve been with her through everything but she seems to be forgetting that. can someone please help me because I feel like I’m going insane and that I can’t take this much longer.
preraph Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) She hasn't even sorted out and dealt with the impending end of her marriage, so this is not the time to demand she concentrate on you. Just let her process and get through that divorce and tell her you'll leave her alone but that ultimately you hope she returns to you once she has it all figured out. She sounds like it's pretty final, though. So don't get your hopes up. But you need to just leave her alone. She knows you still want her. Sorry you're feeling low about it. See, she didn't even really have time to process that marriage of hers so she's having doubts and needs to see that through. Edited May 10, 2020 by preraph
Lotsgoingon Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 Actually giving gifts--even spectacular, expensive gifts-- is the least important thing a good partner does. You don't win affection by giving gifts. Let me make an analogy to what your gf is going through in having doubts about her divorce--and probably sadness as well (totally normal btw). My sister recently had a nasty fall and was in a coma for a week. (She's doing well now.) Now imagine I'm in the middle of my sister's crisis ... I'm talking to the neurosurgeon who operates twice on her brain to relieve swelling and stop bleeding ... I'm tired and confused and scared and sad. ... Imagine during this time that a partner gives me a gift certificate from Amazon--let's make it $1,000. The gift is completely useless. Instead of a gift (as if I'm a little kid) I need a partner who will listen to my anguish ... listen as I'm thinking out about what's going on, as I report what my sister's doctors are telling me ... I need someone who hugs me ... maybe brings me a nice dinner one night ... Someone who can sit quietly with me and listen ... just be a solid presence. It's presence that creates intimacy. This is exactly what you are NOT doing with your gf. Sounds like when she felt sadness or regret, you didn't allow her time to think. You didn't step and give her room for her own feelings. That was time for you to shut up ... let her talk ... give her some space. You did the opposite and now she's calling you on it. 4 1
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Actually giving gifts--even spectacular, expensive gifts-- is the least important thing a good partner does. You don't win affection by giving gifts. Let me make an analogy to what your gf is going through in having doubts about her divorce--and probably sadness as well (totally normal btw). My sister recently had a nasty fall and was in a coma for a week. (She's doing well now.) Now imagine I'm in the middle of my sister's crisis ... I'm talking to the neurosurgeon who operates twice on her brain to relieve swelling and stop bleeding ... I'm tired and confused and scared and sad. ... Imagine during this time that a partner gives me a gift certificate from Amazon--let's make it $1,000. The gift is completely useless. Instead of a gift (as if I'm a little kid) I need a partner who will listen to my anguish ... listen as I'm thinking out about what's going on, as I report what my sister's doctors are telling me ... I need someone who hugs me ... maybe brings me a nice dinner one night ... Someone who can sit quietly with me and listen ... just be a solid presence. It's presence that creates intimacy. This is exactly what you are NOT doing with your gf. Sounds like when she felt sadness or regret, you didn't allow her time to think. You didn't step and give her room for her own feelings. That was time for you to shut up ... let her talk ... give her some space. You did the opposite and now she's calling you on it. I have been doing that trust me and I can’t do the other things at the moment cause of lockdown. It’s been 8 weeks since we last saw eachother. Even she recently said she can’t take it anymore and that she wants to come see me. This was literally less than a week ago.
Mystery4u Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) TBH sounds like she is not over her ex. Why exactly is she telling you how much she loved him and the things they did together etc? That's not something you talk about to a current partner about an ex. Also that if you weren't in her life at the time of her divorce she could think properly and maybe give him another chance? Seriously she said this and you don't see why she ended things? She has realised she's not over him/not ready to be with you. If she was over him, she would NOT be doing all of these things. Edited May 10, 2020 by Mystery4u 3
Lotsgoingon Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 48 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said: I have been doing that trust me and I can’t do the other things at the moment cause of lockdown. It’s been 8 weeks since we last saw eachother. Even she recently said she can’t take it anymore and that she wants to come see me. This was literally less than a week ago. What do you mean? You can send her dinner ... you can listen ... you can give her space. Quit trying to do good things for her. That doesn't work. Either she wants to be with you or not.
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: What do you mean? You can send her dinner ... you can listen ... you can give her space. Quit trying to do good things for her. That doesn't work. Either she wants to be with you or not. I order her and her family papa johns pizza and takeaways any time, I ask her this often and do it for a lot. I pay with my bank card and ask for nothing in return, aslong as she eats what she wants. 1
Mystery4u Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 1 minute ago, Lowkey7 said: I order her and her family papa johns pizza and takeaways any time, I ask her this often and do it for a lot. I pay with my bank card and ask for nothing in return, aslong as she eats what she wants. Doesn't matter. She's not over her ex. 4
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 6 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Doesn't matter. She's not over her ex. She’s over her ex, he cheated on her 3 times, and was never there for her. Especially during a life threatening operation, he was out with his friends smoking weed.
Mystery4u Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 5 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said: She’s over her ex, he cheated on her 3 times, and was never there for her. Especially during a life threatening operation, he was out with his friends smoking weed. But she tells you how much she loved him and the things they did together? And if you werent in the picture she would have given him another chance? Yeaaaaaa sureeeee. You are blind to see it. 3
miranda561 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Lowkey7 said: She’s over her ex, he cheated on her 3 times, and was never there for her. Especially during a life threatening operation, he was out with his friends smoking weed. I agree with the other poster. She still has feelings for her ex. Which is understandable, they were married!! Sometimes feelings of love can overtake logic. Even if he cheated etc etc..doesn't mean she wont feel anything for him. I think just give her space. Leave it for now. Its not exactly great that she calls you obsessive. Usually women love being showered with gifts and getting attention. But her using the word obsessive, isnt a great sign
snowboy91 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 It sounds like you're smothering her. Look, I don't doubt your feelings for her one bit - but just because one person has deep feelings in a relationship doesn't automatically mean the other person needs to reciprocate. Try and step into her shoes for a bit. She's been through a divorce, trying to grieve the end of her previous relationship while you've been there the whole time offering support, but you've caught feelings really seriously. The end of a long relationship is not easy to process, and it's necessary for a lot of people to take a fair bit of time on their own to process the breakup and re-discover themselves. By dating her and trying to be so doting, you've not given her that space (which is why she's calling you obsessive), and that's really starting to hit home to the point where she needed to leave. No amount of care, support and gifts is going to magically make her want to stay with you. I don't like cliches, but if you really love her, let her go - because it will give her the space she needs to sort herself out and be happy. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Lowkey7 said: I order her and her family papa johns pizza and takeaways any time, I ask her this often and do it for a lot. I pay with my bank card and ask for nothing in return, aslong as she eats what she wants. But I think you're doing this with the expectation that she will stop feeling what she's feeling or that she (emotionally) owes you appreciation. You want to do this occasionally with literally no expectation because that's something you notice she needs. You say you don't ask for anything in return. That's not the same as giving without control and with expectation, without trying to cheer someone up. And this is something you just do--you don't do this to get her to feel better about you. You do NOT give with the expectation that she will stop thinking about her ex. Don't try to change her mind about the ex. Either she lets go of the ex or she doesn't. You don't wanna work for her attention and her focus on you. That NEVER works.
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 you are making excuses....the reality of it is, she used you to heal from her failed marriage. leave her alone....seriously ....let her go. All the words, gifts, etc in the world isn't going to bring her back. 2
Caauug Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 5 hours ago, Lowkey7 said: It first started with her asking for space and saying that if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance. She is NOT over him. You quoted her when you wrote that. Space = No problem or relationship was ever fixed by space. Well maybe her marriage to her Ex by the space you have given her away from him??? Where is he and can they have contact? You are Rebound!!! You jumped in before her marriage was completely over, (her grieving included). You were meant to be a quick fling to help her forget and it looks like that is all you are to her. If her EX is back with her..... I say you got what you gave!!! You jumped in before the marriage was completely over and all emotions were dealt with, you went for his wife while she was processing what her husband had done and she was very emotional vulnerable. As with most affairs and/or divorces there are many under lying issues on both sides before the end. If there was a lack of communication during the marriage and this has be resolved, they are working at the issues that lead up to the affairs. Or maybe she just wishes for a 2nd chance with her EX..... Her fling with you may cancel his affairs to make them even again? It doesn't really matter, she wants "Space"=not you!!!! As with her Ex-husband you had your time with her, and maybe he will get more time with her? You do not own her, you can NOT make her come back to you, she has to do that on her own free will. If you really want to hurt your case with her: Beg her to come back.... She will then know on how big of a looser you really are. Be nice and tell her how nice it was with her and say good bye. Don't leave the door open but don't slam it shut. Set her free to sort her life out and go no contact. Do not check up/out, stalk her, or contact in anyway. If she contacts you it has to be 100% on her part, other wise she may just string you along as she has been as she still has feelings for the Ex. How does it feel to be used like a door mat??? She used you and is now tossing you out like a used condom... 1
manfrombelow Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 1. This one right here is typical feminine behaviour: She tried to play the victim here, and blamed everything on you. Moreover, it communicated tremendous disrespect from her side. It first started with her asking for space and saying that if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance. 2. Your reaction was purely emotional and totally beta-like. You were not in your strong and masculine core. Your reaction kickstarted a chain of negative events which eventually ended in breakup announcement from her. I was so stupid and childish to tell her to go back to her ex husband and I instantly regretted it, it was in the heat of the moment. We went back and forth over text until she spoke to her mum and told her that the relationship isn’t working anymore and that it’s best to end it. She even messaged my dad to tell him that it isn’t going to work. 3. Total BS from you. Yes you said mean things and so did she. At this point, you were begging and pleading her back, which is weak and self-disrespecting behaviour from you. Worst than that, you were trying to "convince" her to stay with you. Nobody can convince nobody into staying with them romantically. I’ve spoke to her and said I am sorry for everything I said and if I could I would take it all back and I don’t care what she said to me and that we will come out stronger from this 4. Whenever someone wants nothing to do with you anymore, you give them exactly that, by walking away and never look back. I know this is hard for you to digest right now but unless you are willing to walk away and never look back, she will never respect you come back to you. For now, you must stop all communication and hit the near gym. Do you think I can fix this? Why do I feel I cant? She swore on God that she doesn’t want this anymore 1 1
justwhoiam Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 15 hours ago, Lowkey7 said: It first started with her asking for space and saying that if I wasn’t in her life at the time of the divorce, she would have been able to think properly and may be have given him a chance. Do they have children together? You didn't mention that, so my assumption is they don't. You as a boyfriend have some demands (time, intimacy, love) that she might not be able to give to you at this time. I agree with the poster who said that she used you. You just don't throw someone who was by your side to support you into the trash bin. Because that was what she did. As if you had no feelings of your own. Two lovers take care of each other. It can't be one way. So people here gave you good advice: you just don't let this go on to be one-sided. You want her to want you. Let her miss you. As she got nostalgic about her ex, she might get nostalgic about you. Not a given, but possible. It all depends on how much she likes you and wants you. Quote I was so stupid and childish to tell her to go back to her ex husband and I instantly regretted it, it was in the heat of the moment. We went back and forth over text... I’ve spoke to her and said I am sorry for everything I said and if I could I would take it all back and I don’t care what she said to me She thinks I can be obsessive because I always want to buy her flowers and gifts randomly. She said I’m obsessive, that I guilt trip and that I can be manipulative which I do not agree with at all. You f-ed up big time. You just don't push someone you love so much into anybody else's arms. Furthermore, if she says you are obsessive, you probably are, and saying "no, I'm not" will just work against you. Be assertive, don't put up with being used, but stop being obsessive. You being in denial of your ways might be her main reason to drop you.
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 What shall I do then? She has unfollowed all my family just now on all social media’s
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 I just don’t understand how she can go from telling me she can’t live without me and that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her to this, in just a few days
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Lowkey7 said: I just don’t understand how she can go from telling me she can’t live without me and that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her to this, in just a few days That's what people do when they are emotionally vulnerable, ...they get infatuated, caught up in a fantasy.....it's called rebounding. They push those feelings down they have for their ex, and try to quickly replace it with someone new. Edited May 11, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 It’s so hard for me to accept but it does seem like I was a rebound even though she would never admit it. I’m distraught and broken and don’t know if and how I will get over this.
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 (edited) As painful as it is, this is what life's lessons are about. To teach us what not to do, and to stay away from these kind of situations. You have white knight, or shining knight syndrome. You tried to rescue her, and that's along the lines of co-dependency. It's a dicey situation...she felt smothered and you kept pushing for what you wanted.....you both got swept up in the emotions. That's not healthy trying to save the broken and not a good way to build a foundation for a relationship. So sorry for your loss....now it's time to grieve, and accept. The quicker you do this, the quicker the pain will leave you. There will always be someone else. I feel as time goes on, you will back on this and understand what happened. I assure you feel better. Edited May 11, 2020 by smackie9 4 2
Author Lowkey7 Posted May 11, 2020 Author Posted May 11, 2020 17 minutes ago, smackie9 said: As painful as it is, this is what life's lessons are about. To teach us what not to do, and to stay away from these kind of situations. You have white knight, or shining knight syndrome. You tried to rescue her, and that's along the lines of co-dependency. It's a dicey situation...she felt smothered and you kept pushing for what you wanted.....you both got swept up in the emotions. That's not healthy trying to save the broken and not a good way to build a foundation for a relationship. So sorry for your loss....now it's time to grieve, and accept. The quicker you do this, the quicker the pain will leave you. There will always be someone else. I feel as time goes on, you will back on this and understand what happened. I assure you feel better. Thank you
Lotsgoingon Posted May 11, 2020 Posted May 11, 2020 You've gotten some excellent replies here. The way to get over this is to realize you only want to date people who are over their exes. You had multiple chances to recognize she wasn't over the ex. Look up "rescuer" and "white knight" as Smackie mentions. You want to learn from this experience. Otherwise, you will repeat it. Learning from an experience like this is what makes the pain bearable. But to learn you have got to open your mind to new thinking. Example: first step in dating someone recently divorced (and I can't tell if you dated her before she was divorced). So let's back up ... You don't date separated people, because they are still legally married. You don't date recently divorced people because they often have a nasty hangover from their marriage. They haven't become their own person in a single identity enough to safely get together with a new partner. First issue in dating a divorced person--the first!--is to make sure beyond a reasonable doubt--that they have fully let go their ex. If there is the slightest doubt at this--and I mean THE SLIGHTEST!-- you stay away. This woman actually told you .. openly ... about her ties and lingering feelings for her ex. That was an announcement on her part of "I'm not available right now." Doesn't matter if sometimes you guys had fun. You want to look back and reflect on how to hear such an announcement next time. Often, we don't get such plain announcements that someone is already entangled ... we have to figure that out based on clues and actions and words. You were lucky. Your case is relatively easy. Stay away. When someone is entangled there is NOTHING you can do to change their minds ... To play the game of trying to show how good you are and how kind you are ... is to lose. The relationship is already unequal--in her favor, against you. You can get over this and date in a way that is way better for you. 1 1
Recommended Posts