pepperbird Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 (edited) Let's face it, infidelity is usually pretty awful anyway, but sometimes, you just can't believe the sheer nonsense of it all. If you are a BS what's one of the silliest things you were told/asked by your WS? Admittedly mine was a mess, but even so. He asked if I would write a break up letter to his OW because he said he'd never have to break up with anyone before and he didn't want to hurt her feelings to much or be cruel. Looking back, what the eff was he even thinking? He was in the army back then and I used to cut his hair for him. All I can say is he's damned lucky I am a patient person, or after that one, he may have found himself minus one ear and he word "jerk" shaved onto the back of his head🤣 Edited May 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 1 hour ago, pepperbird said: He asked if I would write a break up letter to his OW because he said he'd never have to break up with anyone before and he didn't want to hurt her feelings to much or be cruel. 😬 Had you already decided to reconcile by that point? This sounds very bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 Oh dear Lord that's the epitome of laziness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: 😬 Had you already decided to reconcile by that point? This sounds very bad. It was a real mess. I hadn't completely decided to reconcile until he came back from deployment, I was so glad I had that time to think and sort through things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Mrin said: Oh dear Lord that's the epitome of laziness. probably. like I said he was a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 11 minutes ago, pepperbird said: It was a real mess. I hadn't completely decided to reconcile until he came back from deployment, I was so glad I had that time to think and sort through things. I can imagine. Did he end up taking responsibility for it? This feels borderline abusive; or at the very least gutless (sorry, I realise he is still your H so I assume you managed to smooth things over, but this really doesn't paint him in the best light, on top of the cheating.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: I can imagine. Did he end up taking responsibility for it? This feels borderline abusive; or at the very least gutless (sorry, I realise he is still your H so I assume you managed to smooth things over, but this really doesn't paint him in the best light, on top of the cheating.) He'd told me about the affair ( it was maybe three weeks long from their first meeting to the end) just before it ended. He did take responsibility, and even he thought the request was stupid after he'd said it. He was deployed a few weeks alter. When he got back, he stayed home for a couple of days then went to his warrant and told him he needed help. I hadn't recognized he was struggling as much as he was before he left for Kandahar, or I'd have asked him to stay home and get help. He was in therapy for combat related PTSD for many years, and we did spousal therapy as well. We've been married about 23 years now- that was over a decade ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 I'm thankful that many of the words he said at the time are starting to fade in my memory. I do remember that he wrote me a three page letter about 10 weeks after DDay that was supposed to be a really heartfelt, all-encompassing apology. I threw it away a couple of years ago because all it did was remind me how really self-centered and blind he was at the time. I remember the closing lines were, "Please love me. Please forgive me." All about him. Nothing about me and my needing and deserving love. Nothing about his love for me or concern for my pain. Just a rambling explanation of how every day he was realizing "more and more" what a bad decision it was and hardly thinking of the OW any more. Wow, amazing insight! Along those lines, I remember that we read the standard advice that the WS should send a NC letter to the OW; he had just ghosted her. As a very moral person this had bothered me . . . just because a relationship shouldn't have happened in the first place doesn't mean you get to do crappy things like ghost the other person. So I asked him to write a NC letter. I remember that he wrote two versions, a "short" one and a "long" one. The short one was all of 10 words and the "long" was about 3 sentences. The long one said something like, "Don't wait for me. It turns out my wife is really wonderful and my thinking was so clouded and distorted. I have hurt my family and I'm really sorry." And like, I get that he thought his job was to help the OW understand how he could have gone from being totally into her to ghosting her to feeling like we were "on a second honeymoon" in such a short period of time, but I found this so insulting. I was me THE WHOLE TIME. Even cheating on me didn't turn me into some horrible witch. So having him wrack his brains to come up with, "Dear OW, guess what. I know this will shock you but it turns out the woman I willingly married and had children with and who never did anything terrible except not ask about my day enough is actually not the devil. I know you will be as shocked as I was, but it's true. Therefore, Imma gonna stick with her, but thanks for the offer to take her place." So I was like, yeah, never mind, let's not send that. He was lacking true empathy. He was trying to put it all together but it was a long journey from "stud who's so desirable and totally deserves to carpe diem and have an affair!" to person who feels a deep level of compassion for and responsibility to others. Staying together meant that I had to be really gracious. I remember thinking after a year or so he'd gone from a 2 to a 4 out of 10 on the empathy scale. And so on one hand it's, great, I'm married to a 4; he's still failing. But on the other hand, he didn't double his capacity for empathy without hard work. And indeed he kept on growing and today he's a legit grownup with a heart of gold who knows and compensates for his weaknesses and uses his strengths to help others. And I'd like to think I've grown too. He still says boneheaded things occasionally; we all do. But the difference is that today I can say, "When you said that it hurt my feelings because I felt like you were X, Y, Z" and instead of bristling or blame shifting or scoffing, he is genuinely glad for an opportunity to understand me better and make our interactions more positive for both of us. He's resilient enough to hear criticism without internalizing it as a slight or evidence that he's not loved or wanted. One silver living of all of this is how much work we had to do to figure out how to communicate with one another as people with different styles and desired approaches. It's nice to feel really safe to say hard things knowing that the other person wants to hear them and help you work on them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 That safe space is so important. I don't always have it, but at least now, he's become aware enough of some of the triggers, he warns me if he's feeling overwhelmed and needs a bit of time and space. A little bit later, and he'll be doing better and can talk to me about what was eating at him. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 (edited) Yes, I agree. Everyone should feel safe in their relationships. I'm glad your husband recognizes when his feelings are overwhelming him and knows to step back. In my experience the ridiculous stuff he said was because he was doing so many things in secret without feedback from me or anyone else. In your normal life when you do things, your friends and loved ones give you advice, react, etc. They challenge you on things you might be missing and you have a wiser and more complete perspective on your situation. But in an affair you're living this parallel life without seeing it through anyone else's eyes. My husband confided in a couple of male friends during the affair (only telling one it was a PA, though), I think fully expecting them to think what he was doing was somewhat understandable or even reasonable. But they were just like WTF (nicely). I do consider the viewpoints of people I trust really important to giving me a full picture. When I decided to try to reconcile with him I got the advice of a close friend and a close family member. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being a complete fool and missing the obvious. The fact that they saw reason in my choice gave me the confidence to proceed. Alas, if only our cheaters had done the same due diligence before kamikazing our marriages. (I realize he sort of did, but not before he started the affair when it really would have counted.) Edited May 9, 2020 by heartwhole2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dexterr Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 I cheated and when my partner found out, I told her that the tramp I was cheating with was offering me “relationship advice” and thought that my partner was the “B-word“. It’s horrid how idiotic I was and how accustomed I was to lying. Anything to cover my own a**, not a care about my partner who was suffering and knew that I was just attempting to fool her. I am still trying to figure out how I could be THAT person. I never fully even knew that I was cheating, I lied about it all the way. How could I turn into something so selfish and horrible. I am sorry for the humiliation you were brought by your WS. Seeing my partner’s pain everyday, my heart does go out to all of you, after getting my head on straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexterr Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 3 hours ago, heartwhole2 said: Yes, I agree. Everyone should feel safe in their relationships. I'm glad your husband recognizes when his feelings are overwhelming him and knows to step back. In my experience the ridiculous stuff he said was because he was doing so many things in secret without feedback from me or anyone else. In your normal life when you do things, your friends and loved ones give you advice, react, etc. They challenge you on things you might be missing and you have a wiser and more complete perspective on your situation. But in an affair you're living this parallel life without seeing it through anyone else's eyes. My husband confided in a couple of male friends during the affair (only telling one it was a PA, though), I think fully expecting them to think what he was doing was somewhat understandable or even reasonable. But they were just like WTF (nicely). I do consider the viewpoints of people I trust really important to giving me a full picture. When I decided to try to reconcile with him I got the advice of a close friend and a close family member. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being a complete fool and missing the obvious. The fact that they saw reason in my choice gave me the confidence to proceed. Alas, if only our cheaters had done the same due diligence before kamikazing our marriages. (I realize he sort of did, but not before he started the affair when it really would have counted.) I, personally, feel like I was a complete neanderthal while cheating. I justified it, I lied about it to myself till the end, It was all me-me-me. Didn’t matter, why not. Only after getting hit in the face with reality did I start to realise what I’d done. I do not understand how people can be this entitled and delusional. I’m sorry it happened to you. Though I feel more sorry for the person who decided to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 3 hours ago, Dexterr said: I, personally, feel like I was a complete neanderthal while cheating. I justified it, I lied about it to myself till the end, It was all me-me-me. Didn’t matter, why not. Only after getting hit in the face with reality did I start to realise what I’d done. I do not understand how people can be this entitled and delusional. I’m sorry it happened to you. Though I feel more sorry for the person who decided to cheat. 💯 The wayward spouse will say anything and everything to keep riding the wave of pleasure. Its a deep in the gut craving that they just can’t help. People can call them spineless cowards and all that. But if the tables were turned, I bet many would do this same thing when the possibility of getting their needs met and their heart’s fulfilled are put in front of them on a silver platter. Heart wants what it wants. It’ll get it at any and all costs. And the cost of it all is just as great for the cheater in the situation as the betrayed spouse. Not only do they lose everything but they have to live with the guilt of it all. Not to mention, they have to be called spineless cowards for the rest of their lives. They pay a huge price for their indiscretions. That’s how bad the want and desire is. Nobody wins in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 15 hours ago, pepperbird said: He asked if I would write a break up letter to his OW because he said he'd never have to break up with anyone before and he didn't want to hurt her feelings to much or be cruel. Looking back, what the eff was he even thinking? He was thinking he didn't want to hurt her feelings or be cruel to her.. She was his OW, he cared. He was thinking out loud. and he thought you would write a better letter to her than he could. I am assuming the nice letter would then be signed by him and not you I think some see the "problem", as something to be sorted out by both and fail to see how inappropriate it is for the BS to be sorting out his mess. Or did he say it to hurt you? Many people in affairs, have an affair to seek revenge on their spouse for some perceived slight... it may have then been a deliberate dig.. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Oh yea the point. I got sidetracked. 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He was thinking he didn't want to hurt her feelings or be cruel to her.. She was his OW, he cared. He was thinking out loud. and he thought you would write a better letter to her than he could. I am assuming the nice letter would then be signed by him and not you I think some see the "problem", as something to be sorted out by both and fail to see how inappropriate it is for the BS to be sorting out his mess. Yes ^ this. I don’t see what the big deal is. He was trying to be transparent and asking for your help. Sorry you were hurt though, Pepperbird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 37 minutes ago, K.K. said: Oh yea the point. I got sidetracked. Yes ^ this. I don’t see what the big deal is. He was trying to be transparent and asking for your help. Sorry you were hurt though, Pepperbird. Thanks for the support. I asked him why he wanted me to do it. He said it was because I would know how to word a break up letter in a way that wouldn't be hurtful to her. I did it- she's a human being after all with feelings and if I could do her a kindness, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 1 hour ago, K.K. said: 💯 The wayward spouse will say anything and everything to keep riding the wave of pleasure. Its a deep in the gut craving that they just can’t help. People can call them spineless cowards and all that. But if the tables were turned, I bet many would do this same thing when the possibility of getting their needs met and their heart’s fulfilled are put in front of them on a silver platter. Heart wants what it wants. It’ll get it at any and all costs. And the cost of it all is just as great for the cheater in the situation as the betrayed spouse. Not only do they lose everything but they have to live with the guilt of it all. Not to mention, they have to be called spineless cowards for the rest of their lives. They pay a huge price for their indiscretions. That’s how bad the want and desire is. Nobody wins in the end. uh, that is NOT true, at least not for us. We spent a lot of time in therapy. He was so down on himself. His father had cheated on his mother, and part of him was always angry and disappointed in seeing what he did to her. At the time, he hated himself. I don't think he was consciously trying to hurt anyone. He just couldn't see past his own pain and what he felt would make it better. Self medication usually doesn't help- his sure didn't -it just made it far worse. You can't run from yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Never in a marriage relationship, but in LTR's I've been cheated on and I've been the cheater. I don't recall using any particular excuses when I was the cheater. I just did it, and F*** the consequences.... those were relationships where I was mostly in it so I wasn't alone, not really because I was in love. But I was deeply in love with my ex-GF who cheated on me. I had tried so hard to be faithful and monogamous and had actually succeeded for the duration of that relationship. I wanted to spend my life with her. Then I found out that when she'd been traveling for work, she basically had a different GF in every town she went to. I was crushed, and the only thing she had to say was that she had needs when she was on the road and I hadn't been there. I still don't know if she just didn't care about me at all, or what her reasoning was. So I just ruined her job and her life and then I left 😇 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts