Found Out Wife Is Cheating :

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Depending on what the laws of your state/country are, you should act accordingly... If it is in your best interests to ensure there is evidence of her cheating before you file, do it, set her up if you have too, tell her you want an open marriage, record every conversation you have with her... Leave your phone in the room, with a sound recorder app on... If there is no personal gain in it for you to prove her infidelity, then you should just openly confront her.

If you are going to confront her, you should try to catch them together so she can't deny it.

[Buckeye2]

1 hour ago, RyanBD said:

That's been like, the hardest part. Knowing that she is going to do it. Shes out "for a jog" as we speak. Is she doing it now? I hate this. If we had a daughter it'd be different, but what the hell am I supposed to say, ya know?

I would assume that she’s not practicing safe distancing while out for a jog.

[kendahke]

First question: Do you want this 19 yr old around your child. Let the answer guide your actions.

Talk to a lawyer -- and make sure he/she is a shark-- and get full custody. She's already demonstrated that she thinks nothing of putting her health in danger and bringing it back around your child and that she and her libido comes before the child.

[Buckeye2]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

You will get people telling you to compile evidence and proof. I dont buy that. When you know you know.

I agree that “When you know you know.”  If you have enough to get a divorce then you do.   I also agree that some men use the excuse of gathering more evidence to justify doing nothing.  Once they find proof of X they move the goalposts to Y.

But proof helps defend your decision to friends and family especially if children are involved.  The cheater will minimize the affair and only admit to what can be proven.   If you caught them once then they only had sex once.  Why break up a family over that?

When someone tells you that you should stay for the kids you can present your evidence.   It also helps you reinforce your decision in your own mind.

 

[ShyViolet]

Confront her and tell her you know about it.  How does she react, does she lash out at you, or is she remorseful?  Does she even want to stay in this marriage with you, or does she say she wants out?  Find out if this relationship can be saved.  Don't just automatically assume that divorce is the only option.  I only say this because you have a 5-year-old daughter.  You owe it to her to try and keep some stability in her life and not just turn her whole world upside down.  That's not fair to her.  Once you are a parent, this is not just about you.  Explore the possibility of saving this relationship.  I'm not saying you have to stay with your wife.  Maybe it's not possible.  It totally depends on how she responds once you confront her and once you sort through this whole mess.

[Marc878]

OP already has evidence of adultery. He doesn't  need anything more.

[Marc878]

OP keep this in mind. All cheaters lie a lot.

You can’t trust her. Words in these situations are meaningless. Actions tell you more.

[Marc878]

17 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

OP keep this in mind. All cheaters lie a lot.

You can’t trust her. Words in these situations are meaningless. Actions tell you more.

You’ll also find talk in these situations from you May not get as much as your actions will either.

[oldtruck]

op, you need to expose this affair to WW parents and siblings and the OM GF and his parents.

then have a lawyer file divorce. filing does not mean the divorce has to go through. the 

proceedings can be stopped at anytime though it has been known when a WW gets 

served it causes some WW to go NC with the OM.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@RyanBD You're a good guy. Sorry you're going through this. 

[Buffer]

Brother that’s bad.
Well all good advice now, but how do you want to handle this, rug sweep or confront?

You need to look after yourself. Get tested for STDs and STIs she isn’t practicing safe sex  Seek legal advice ASAP. You need to know your rights as well as her responsibilities. You also need to exercise, talk with a trusted friend (not her). Look at your finances, you shouldn’t be financing her infidelity. Eat healthy and drink water.

When you are ready; confront!  The longer you leave it the more chances she will not come back to your marriage and child.
You can stay silent and gather more evidence, then confront or if you are content with your evidence.  Confront now. 
Next time she is out on a run start sending her photos that you have, just one every few minutes, then the sexting texts.  Starting with the tame ones and slowly increase withe the more raunchy ones. Don’t answer or respond her. When she finally comes home have her bag packed outside the front door. Then stand by for the minimising, blame shifting and gaslighting . Accept none of this, but ensure you can record all conversations with a VAR. so there are no false accusations made to have you kicked out. 
She has been cheating, lying to you and her child, exposing you both to infections as some are passed in saliva, let alone this COVID.

Take your time, make no long term decisions now, take your time to decide is you want to D or go through the pain and heartache for the next few years to R!

One day at a time

Buffer

 

[pepperbird]

19 hours ago, RyanBD said:

Thanks for the reply Lynne, everything you say here makes a lot of sense. We have a 5 year old daughter, and it makes me so sad to think about her in this situation. And there is no doubt about the cheating. I have many conversations saved and unfortunately, pictures. There's literally nothing she could say...

First off, I don't know about the rules where you are living re: social distancing, but if she'd going out to meet this guy twice a week, she's certainly not prioritizing the health of your child. I know that may sound like a small point in all of this, but really, it speaks to her mindset right now, and it's a very selfish one. In her mind, she's likely justified in what she;s doing, and I don't see what you can really do about that. In her  ind, she's the most important thing, anyone else be damned!
I know it's hard, but try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it's all you can do. While you do, give some thought to what you want to do next.
What do you feel your next move should be? If I were in your shoes, it would be to call/contact  a lawyer. Do that today.

[usa1ah]

Understand one thing here. 
 

Your WIFE doesn’t love you the way you love her. 
 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. 
 

Stop being a door mat. If she is still leaving to see her f*** buddy and you do nothing. WTF, are you that insecure about yourself? 
 

Do you have any self respect?

 

If your not a cuckold, kick your wife out of the bedroom and file for divorce. You have all the proof you need. 
 

Read up on The 180 and do it. 
 

If you want to save your marriage DO NOT do the pick me dance. This will push your wife further down the rabbit hole, away from you. 
 

Things are going to be hard. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. 
 

DO NOT do the pick me game. No love bombing, flowers, extra work around the house. 
 

Get divorce papers drawn up and hand them to her the next time she has to run out to see her f*** buddy. 

[notbroken]

Whatever you do, just don't let this 'blow over' without serious ramifications for your 'wife'.    It will affect you in ways you can't imagine.  Your self esteem will go in the toilet and the self doubt will make you a shell of who you are/were.  Talk to an attorney as fast as you can.  Like today.   Seriously. 

Then confront her strongly.   Tell her you know, you absolutely do not accept it and will not tolerate it, she has to stop seeing him immediately, and you may divorce her anyway based on her actions.   

Her reaction will tell you everything.   If she doesn't show remorse, blames you at all (as in 1% - tell her you didn't force her to have sex with another man, the choice was 100% hers - because it was - you did NOT cause this),  or is unwilling to immediately tell the guy to get lost, then divorce her as fast as you can.  Seriously.   NEVER play the 'pick me' dance.  Don't beg, plead, etc.  Tell her she has 5 minutes to decide or you are making the choice for her. 

Don't wait.  This will destroy you inside if you act weak.  Be strong and tell her NO - one way or another. 

I'm sorry.   

 

[notbroken]

Honestly,  the movies playing in your mind may be impossible to live with.   You may just want to divorce.   In any case, the above advice applies and you should tell her immediately after speaking with an attorney (and if that takes too long because of the virus just do it anyway). 

[heartwhole2]

I'm sorry you're joining this terrible club.

You're in shock right now. Make sure you are taking care of yourself -- eat and sleep well, etc. Sign up for counseling if you can, see a lawyer, and get checked for STDs. You don't have to (and probably shouldn't) make any big decisions right now, but you should lay the groundwork to protect yourself so that you are in a good position to make decisions when you feel ready.

Whether you go shock and awe on her, quietly divorce her, or keep an open mind about whether she can turn herself around is up to you. You will always have a child together and that's obviously your priority. 

If and when you confront her, expect her judgment to be incredibly clouded by all the justifications and delusions she's been engaging in. She will feel like a cornered animal and lash out. She will act like the victim and like a martyr who is being asked to give up something unfairly. My advice is not to engage with her unless she is acting like an adult. You have too much dignity to try to prove to a self-destructive and self-absorbed person why she's not a victim. In fact, she has victimized and abused you, not the other way around.

Hang in there.

[Bryanp]

Hello.

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think that she would be acting as passive as you are and not even confronting. Her actions show that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

[Buffer]

Brother, read up on healing from infidelity, as much as you can. Now and after you confront. Please remember your and daughters recovery for her betrayal is in your hands. Even if she compartmentalises her actions and really loves you and daughter. She is selfish and instead of talking about issues took up with a 19yo that cannot provide her the lifestyle she is living. She has made her choice, you confront. When you confront, you could instigate it by reporting her social distancing to police. (Here in Aust, people are getting a on the spot fine), that could start the confrontation. Don’t be a gaslighted.

One day at a time 

Buffer

Edited April 28, 2020 by Buffer

[gamon]

If you happen to live in one of the few remaining areas that will consider infidelity when awarding marital assets in a divorce then you need to continue to compile evidence that can be used against her in a court of divorce law.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ryan, guess you have been given a lot of good advice by the previous posters. You can sort out through the replies you have received and select those bits of advice that suit your case and which you think you can implement. One of the things I noticed was that folks have advised getting more evidence of your wife's infidelity. That seems to me to be fairly simple to get considering that her movements are severely restricted during this time. If you can afford one, then get a PI to follow her on her trips out of the home. Let him get photographic and other evidence on her meet ups with her OM. Once you have this compelling evidence you can process with confronting her or whatever else you may have in mind. In this situation I think divorce should be your only option as the disrespect to you and the marriage is humongous. If after divorce you find that your ex wife is properly remorseful and has fine enough work on herself to convince you that she has grown and learned from her disastrous behaviour and attitudes, you may then begin a process of rapproachment which she should initiate which may or may not lead to a completely new relationship and not a revival of the old one. She would be s new person in the old body! Think about it. Warm wishes.

[RyanBD]

Hey everyone, I'm back with an update. Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write something, it means a lot to know that I'm not alone. I received a lot of good stuff here, which has been helpful. So I confronted her about it last night. She was completely stunned. She thought she was covering her tracks really well and to her credit she pretty much was. She's been deleting things almost as soon as they were coming in (I'm talking pics and messages).

At first I kind of just had a feeling she might be doing something, but I talked myself out of that pretty quickly. Then my feeling turned to like...an inkling. But I didnt act on that either. I've never been the type to check her phone or be paranoid, just not my style and she's never, in 17 years, given me any reason to. But then she left behind a piece of evidence that left like...virtually no doubt. After I found that, I knew I had to check her phone. Even then, I was uncomfortable. I checked it once when she went to the bathroom, nothing there. I checked it another time when she was distracted with our daughter. Nothing there. A couple more times, nothing there. So then I figured maybe I WAS just being paranoid, and that evidence I found was not what I thought it was. But then a couple days later we were watching a movie, and she fell asleep, which she really never does. So I checked her phone, and apparently since she wasnt planning to drift asleep, she wasn't able to delete stuff. I found pics she sent him, pics he sent her, and messages talking about when they could meet up again and some stuff recapping what they had done the day before. I was like...fighting back the urge to cry and/or throw up...but I was able to screenshot them and send them to myself, and then cover up that I did that. The next morning, I was able to check her phone again and all of that stuff was deleted.

Sorry for the novel here, but all of that is to illustrate why she was so stunned when I confronted her...she really thought she was covering her tracks. But yeah her face was all red, she could barely get any words out. She was just crying and telling me how sorry she was and that she would stop immediately. It was really hard.

We live in NYC, so although we do well financially, our apartment is pretty small. Neither of us wanted to wake our daughter. I grew up watching my parents fight and it was terrible. Although an argument here is justifiable, I still want to keep as much of it away from her as possible. I know that children with divorced parents can manage just fine, I'm an example of that. Once my parents got divorced, me and my siblings had a way better home life. No fighting, and our parents kept a good, cordial relationship. But hearing or seeing your parents fighting about your mother cheating on your father...ugh that sucks.

And to those who asked implied im being a "doormat", I get it and perhaps that's fair. But when you and your cheating wife and your 5 year old daughter are quarantined 24 hours a day in a small NYC apartment, I think it would be pretty irresponsible of me to confront her, and now the 3 of us have to live in it for...a month? 2 months? Longer? If it was a normal time, I would have confronted her immediately. Just a s***ty situation.

So yeah, I really have no idea what to do from here. I can't see myself going after her with a lawyer. I'm going to contact one, try to be smart about it, see my options. But even though she did this, she really has been a great partner and mother. I've probably painted her in a bad light here, and what she did is very irresponsible. But to take her daughter from her, no way I could do that. We've been together since we were 15, and she violated our vows and my trust, but she's not a horrible person. She's a good person who got caught up in something and was selfish. I'm sure she has her reasons for it, and I would like to know what they are. Is it hard having sex with just one person your whole life? Extremely. Does that mean you should f*** a 19 year old? No. If I did that I'm sure she would have...cut it off lol, but idk. As I sit here right now, I'm heavily leaning toward leaving her, for sure. If that happens, I'm not going to drag it out in court and go that route. Everything we've built we've built together. If she wants to go that route, then fine I guess I'll have to play ball. I can't see her doing that (but then again...didn't see this coming either), and especially because I know for damn sure she wouldnt want lawyers or anyone else seeing those naked pics of her and the nasty s*** she said to this guy. But I guess we'll see.

Sorry again for the novel, but felt good to get some of it off of my chest. If anyone is still interested in this, I can post updates as they come. Thanks again!

Ryan

[GoldenR]

At this point in time, she IS a horrible wife and mother.  You're still in shock. You've been together a very long time and the odds that this is the first time she's done anything like this are slim to none.  

[mark clemson]

It's probably a bit early for this, but just to note - if you are reasonably attractive and have decent career prospects and social skills, you're likely to just fine in the 30's-40's dating scene, particularly in a major urban area. From everything I've read, "good guys" become a real commodity to women later in life, just as attractive women are to men in their 20's. Something to be aware of if/when it comes to that...

[Marc878]

43 minutes ago, RyanBD said:

 

 

So yeah, I really have no idea what to do from here. I can't see myself going after her with a lawyer. I'm going to contact one, try to be smart about it, see my options. But even though she did this, she really has been a great partner and mother. I've probably painted her in a bad light here, and what she did is very irresponsible. But to take her daughter from her, no way I could do that.

Nope you don’t most often its 50/50 custody 

We've been together since we were 15, and she violated our vows and my trust, but she's not a horrible person. She's a good person who got caught up in something and was selfish. I'm sure she has her reasons for it, and I would like to know what they are.

Bud, there are no good reasons for cheating. It’s just selfish behavior. She did it because she wanted to. At your expense.

Is it hard having sex with just one person your whole life? Extremely. Does that mean you should f*** a 19 year old? No. If I did that I'm sure she would have...cut it off lol, but idk. As I sit here right now, I'm heavily leaning toward leaving her, for sure. If that happens, I'm not going to drag it out in court and go that route. Everything we've built we've built together. If she wants to go that route, then fine I guess I'll have to play ball. I can't see her doing that (but then again...didn't see this coming either), and especially because I know for damn sure she wouldnt want lawyers or anyone else seeing those naked pics of her and the nasty s*** she said to this guy. But I guess we'll see.

Sorry again for the novel, but felt good to get some of it off of my chest. If anyone is still interested in this, I can post updates as they come. Thanks again!

Ryan

First of all just because you know doesn’t mean this ends. She’s a proven liar. Affairs are addictive. 

Great wives and mothers don’t destroy their marriage, family, etc by having an affair. Right now she regrets getting caught. She didn’t end it or confess. It would be ongoing. She had no plans to stop. Plus this didn’t just happen. She spent a lot of time planning, covering her tracks, etc. You can’t trust her. She’s a proven liar.

Upfront most just want them back without thinking long term. You’d be wise not to offer reconciliation upfront or jump into marriage counciling (they are notorious rugsweeprs) until you’ve put in some time and think this through thoroughly. It’s all on your timeline now not anyone else’s. Repeated behavior like this happens. You don’t want to go through this again.

Your marriage wasn’t broken but she is. 

Right now you seem to be making excuses etc. There are none. She knew better, she’s a grown woman. Upfront she’s in self protection mode. She’ll promise the moon but her words mean little. Actions will count more.

You don’t know who or where this other man has been. Mandatory STD testing immediately.

Denial is a comfort zone. It’s a place you can dwell without having to make decisions but that will keep you in limbo. Wake up, get strong and stay there. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Marc878

[Marc878]

35 minutes ago, GoldenR said:

At this point in time, she IS a horrible wife and mother.  You're still in shock. You've been together a very long time and the odds that this is the first time she's done anything like this are slim to none.  

Wake up and reflect back. You’ll probably see what you ignored or overlooked.