Male in affair

[Gumbeaux41]

Bailey you are absolutelu correct. Another thing I have noticed on these forms. I do not see many men posting about having trouble dealing with all of this, I.mainly see women. Is is that I am the oddball struggling or men just dont post. I find this site really helps me. 

[miranda561]

On 4/17/2020 at 2:36 PM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Texas, yes my wife has expressed interest in the swinging part. I want to see the OW today so we can talk and I can figure out what she wants. We have not been able to actually talk since everything happened. What do I want, I can honestly say that I am not sure at this point, I know it sounds crazy but that is one of the reasons I put everything down here, so I can hear opinions and re read what I type. 

Im sorry but for your ages...im assuming 40+. You guys are acting like a bunch of teenagers 

[Gumbeaux41]

You know miranda, I think you are absolutely correct.

[notmyfinestmoment]

There really is no understanding how people can go from "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" to no longer being in your life....to me, it is either the reality of leaving causes too much pain for their family or, and the one that hurts the most, their feelings may not have been as deep as they thought.    

I think while people may believe that can and want to leave, ending a marriage is a whole different ballgame.   It happens in layers and I think many go in believing  that the hard part is telling their spouse they want the marriage to end (rarely are both partners on the same page with this).   Their spouse may want to try to work things out (counseling, etc.).  If they are resolved in their decision, and can get past layer one, they then have to tell their children, their family, their friends.....and those layers are even more difficult to get through.   Then you have finances, etc.  It really is quite a mess.   And if there is a known affair involved, you risk losing relationships with your kids (whether they are younger, because you won't be living with them full-time, or if they are older, they know you hurt the BS and can't forgive you).   If you really look at all of this, it is no wonder why there is so much indecision.   And I am only referencing people that don't have personality disorders (narcissists, serial cheats, etc.).  So there is that too.

I know it is a tough ending (not having a final conversation and letting it go peacefully) and one that will keep you up at night.   But you may never get the answer on how she can flip a switch and change course.   All you can do is respect her choice (even though it is a large pill to swallow) and not have anything to do with each other unless you are both single.   I feel bad knowing all the pain you are going to feel with letting her go.    Again, time and space may bring you both some clarity.   

[Gumbeaux41]

Thanks to everyone for the input. I have some other items I need help with. The main thing that attracted me to Michelle was her positive attitude. My wife is one of the most negative people that I know. I have always had an issue with this about her. I have virtually had to dissociate myself from my friends because they may have said something she didn't like, or they had something nicer than us, or she thought their wife was prettier than her, etc etc. I am constantly hearing every day about how I left, what did or didn't say right or wrong, just as recent as yesterday. I feel like I have to give her constant praise and admiration. This has been going on since we got married, not just recently. I know I am not perfect by any means, but I try to look at everything with a positive spin but it is VERY difficult when the other person is so negative. 

Another thing several years ago we got in an argument about something, and she goes on and on and doesn't stop. She sent me 152 text from 8 am to 10:40 am when I was at work. I told this to our counselor when we were seeing one and he could not believe it. This is the kind of things that she does.

[carhill]

Save yourself. Affair was a wake-up call. Listen to it.

No surprise that men don't post about their affairs here, I see that in real life too, they don't talk about them at all. Women are far more likely to talk about affairs IME. If I went by my male social circle, men never have affairs 😂

[Gumbeaux41]

What do you mean by save yourself, elaborate.

[carhill]

Don't sacrifice your health and sanity at the altar of a legal agreement. Save yourself. No one in life will care as much about you as you do.

[Zona]

I guess I don't understand. Why would you want to be with a woman who cheated on her husband, and has been completely all over the map and as flakey as you can get?

I have never been exactly in your situation but I have experienced extreme limerence. It can cause you to act in illogical and harmful ways. Pretty sure that is what you are experiencing. Don't assume most women are like your wife. Honestly she sounds like a covert narcissist based on what you have mentioned about her behavior. There are plenty of (single) women you could connect with that are easy to talk to and relate to. There is nothing special about your AP. She is a run-of-the-mill selfish cheater. Your limerence infested mind is fooling you to think otherwise.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

Zona,  I am over AP and realize exactly what you are saying about her. The issue now is about my wife not AP.

[Gumbeaux41]

And yes that is a concern of mine that if I leave my wife, will I just have another person that I have to try to constantly make happy. 

[Zona]

15 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said:

And yes that is a concern of mine that if I leave my wife, will I just have another person that I have to try to constantly make happy. 

Yes that is a concern, but there are good women out there. If my marriage dissolves because of my wife's actions, I think I would be pretty happy to stay single. If I happen upon a unicorn, then maybe I would consider another marriage or LTR. Pretty jaded at this point, and I don't need anyone to make me happy or feel validated. The sex though, that would be hard to go without!

[Gumbeaux41]

On 5/27/2020 at 10:29 AM, Gumbeaux41 said:

Thanks to everyone for the input. I have some other items I need help with. The main thing that attracted me to Michelle was her positive attitude. My wife is one of the most negative people that I know. I have always had an issue with this about her. I have virtually had to dissociate myself from my friends because they may have said something she didn't like, or they had something nicer than us, or she thought their wife was prettier than her, etc etc. I am constantly hearing every day about how I left, what did or didn't say right or wrong, just as recent as yesterday. I feel like I have to give her constant praise and admiration. This has been going on since we got married, not just recently. I know I am not perfect by any means, but I try to look at everything with a positive spin but it is VERY difficult when the other person is so negative. 

Another thing several years ago we got in an argument about something, and she goes on and on and doesn't stop. She sent me 152 text from 8 am to 10:40 am when I was at work. I told this to our counselor when we were seeing one and he could not believe it. This is the kind of things that she does.

Well I am here again, and it has been almost a month since I wrote this above and the EXACT thing is still going on with my wife. I have not talked to Michelle for a while now but I am having a real difficult time getting her out of my mind lately. She has me blocked from everything so there is no way that I can contact her other than leave her a voice mail. I was ok for a while not talking to Michelle because I didn't want the anxiety that I got from the relationship anticipating her to call or to text, I do not miss that at all. However I do miss talking to her and having her as a friend, and yes I do miss the sex.

Back to my wife, she has just left to go out of town for the week to visit her sister so I have the whole week to myself. We had a great Friday and Saturday together until Saturday night when we went to bed. She told me how she hates herself, her life, she is not good enough, etc. etc. I have been hearing this the entire time we have been married and somehow this is my fault and I am supposed to fix it, which I think is total BS. I have told her numerous times that I am not responsible for her happiness nor is she responsible for mine. I guess I am really getting burnt out on this, which is one of the main reasons that I wanted to leave to begin with. I am so tired of not doing or saying enough to make her happy and then hearing about it all the time.I really don't  know what to do at this point. And she says that I really hurt her by leaving and she doesn't know how to shake it and maybe she should leave because she doesn't know how she can live with her mind having all of these horrible thoughts when she lays down at night, which is the worse.

[Gumbeaux41]

Most of here feeling insecure and not good enough came from her childhood, as her mom was a really mean person and was very mean to her and said horrible things to her. Her insecurity also comes off as her being snobby or a "bitch" to other people. I can see how she comes across to other people, however I know she is not really being a bitch but insecure. I really think she needs to go talk to someone to help her work out her internal issues however I cannot say that or I will have a big fight on my hands.

[BaileyB]

This is a very unhealthy pattern you have with your wife.

She is a bottom-less pit - you will never be able to provide enough reassurance to bring her lasting happiness....

And as she feels helpless in changing her experience, you feel helpless in changing your own. Around, and around, and around you go....

I dare say, I would rather be single forever than in this kind of relationship.

Your OW is not the solution, the problem with your wife will not improve until you do what is required to change the situation. I hope you have a counsellor, it will be more of the same unless you make some hard decisions ahead I’m afraid...

[Gumbeaux41]

I agree the OW is not the solution, we have stopped going to a counselor a while back due to financial reasons mainly but also due to the counselor staying on her case most of the time and she didn't like what he was telling her. After the counseling sessions we would get into an argument because I would tell the counselor things and she would get upset. In my mind, where in the hell am I supposed to speak my mind better than in a counselor office. She said I would make her look bad, no I was telling the truth about what happened was all. 

Thru all of this with the OW it has made me realize that there is other women out there that are not negative all the time. It has also given me a very short string to hold on to because when she starts all of the negative talk and blame me for every thing I think more and more about leaving. I have gotten on medication to help with my anger as I used to get really angry when she would start all of it, now I just am numb, which I don't like.

 

[BaileyB]

Why do you stay? What you describe sounds like the behavior of an emotionally abusive partner. What would it take for you to say - Enough. I’m done.

[Gumbeaux41]

I mainly stay for financial reasons. I cant answer what I would take, but I can tell you that I am getting close to saying that. 

[BaileyB]

To be very honest, you sound like you have a very codependent relationship. She dumps everything on you and you complain - but you take it. At a certain point, if she is not willing to participate in counselling or change her behavior in any way... the only choice you have is to leave. 

[Amethyst68]

52 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why do you stay? What you describe sounds like the behavior of an emotionally abusive partner. What would it take for you to say - Enough. I’m done.

Really?

The OP has a LTA. Goes out and has all the unattached fun, you know the fun that's not connected to everyday life. The wife's probably wondering what's going on, knows there's a disconnect but not sure what it is.

The OP walks out twice only to crawl back because his MW won't leave her BH and he doesn't want to be alone. Of course the BW doesn't know the reason why he walked out so of course she's probably going to feel less than, her insecurities are going to be sky high.

Yet she's the emotionally abusive partner? We must have different standards.

Now that's not to say I think the OP should stay married, I think his BW deserves way better treatment than she's received.

[Gumbeaux41]

Ame, I understand what you are saying about this current situation, however if I only would have this happened to me now I could agree with you. I have been dealing with her like this, for my entire marriage. I cannot talk to or be with any of my friends due to her insecurities, "they have more money, are prettier, happier, nicer house, car, whatever the case. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Really?

The OP has a LTA. Goes out and has all the unattached fun, you know the fun that's not connected to everyday life. The wife's probably wondering what's going on, knows there's a disconnect but not sure what it is.

The OP walks out twice only to crawl back because his MW won't leave her BH and he doesn't want to be alone. Of course the BW doesn't know the reason why he walked out so of course she's probably going to feel less than, her insecurities are going to be sky high.

Yet she's the emotionally abusive partner? We must have different standards.

Did I say anywhere that his behavior was not also emotionally abusive. No. 

Please, don’t make assumptions and jump on what I’ve said. Go back and read my previous posts if you want to know my opinion about this affair and the harm he has done to his wife.

This isn’t a marriage by my standard, it’s two people who live together and share finances inflicting harm on each other. As it relates to the wife in this marriage, it sounds like her issues are long standing - rooted in childhood, no doubt not helped by the behavior of her husband, but still. For what it’s worth, my honest opinion is that it’s not wise for either individual to stay in this relationship. This is one of those situations that rather than putting a bandaid on an untenable situation, just admit that this relationship has run its course and divorce. An affair solves nothing - the problems in this marriage are deep and unchanging. This relationship is meeting neither of their needs and seems to be a miserable experience for both individuals.

 

Edited June 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

You may have slated his behaviour in the affair previously but these recent posts are definitely weighted towards the wife being abusive despite the word codependent being used.

I just wonder how supportive the OP has been IRL because I've not seen much evidence of it here. I don't know why he won't leave, I think he needs her to go so he's not the bad guy.

 

[Gumbeaux41]

I have been very supportive throughout the years and these last couple weeks. I admit I was not when I was talking to Michelle, but other than that tried and did everything to try and make her happy, but what do you do when a person is not.happy with themselves, try and try but eventually get burnt out.

[Azincourt]

Get back with your wife and keep dating your girlfriend. Marriages often need sexual variety or they grow stale, as it did with yours after 2 kids and 26 years of marriage. Bring in new life to your marriage, work your issues with your wife, and suggest to her to keep her lover with her still. 

That's what I would do if I was you.