BaileyB Posted September 12, 2022 Share Posted September 12, 2022 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: My question is should I leave my house? That is a question for your lawyer. 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Said I should be begging her in tears for her to not make me leave. I would not be begging her for anything, I would be the first to file for divorce. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 Well I am here again. Situation much the same except I am being watched like a hawk by my wife. Checks my email, history, tracks me etc. Wife noticed I looked a porn and escorts on the computer when looking thru the history and then told me she cant do this any more just before Christmas and wants a divorce. I am still at home trying to build up my courage to see an attorney and move on. I have definitely been working on myself and trying to be a better person. She says that she does not think she will be able to come back from this. I cannot touch her and sex is non existent. I have a job that may take me 12hrs away from home for weeks at a time and she is fussing about that also, how she cannot trust me etc. I am not allowed to look at my phone at night in bed unless she is up, so if she falls asleep I have to turn my phone off also. Guess trying to come to acceptance that divorce is the best option. Have been to marriage counseling recently and spent way too much money for what we got out of it btw. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 8 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: she cant do this any more just before Christmas and wants a divorce. I am still at home trying to build up my courage to see an attorney and move on. Please consult an attorney for information support and advice. The information will help guide you especially if your wife is already considering divorce and consulting an attorney. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 I plan on finding one and having a meeting to get information. I want to beat her to the attorney, I am fairly certain she has not contacted one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 All you can do is start accepting that the marriage is over, and start preparing for a divorce. It's best that you set yourselves free from this. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: I am being watched like a hawk by my wife. I have a job that may take me 12hrs away from home for weeks at a time and she is fussing about that also, how she cannot trust me etc. I am not allowed to look at my phone at night in bed unless she is up, so if she falls asleep I have to turn my phone off also. I don't understand why your wife is doing all of this when she has decided to divorce you. What difference does it make what you do at this point? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 Still, I agree, it is very conflicting to me also. Says she wants a divorce and then has a microscope on me at all times. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The distant job will help. Get a rental near where you work so you won't have to deal with the unpleasantness during the divorce process. She is probably reacting like this out of anger for the betrayal, and your absence will be good for her as well, and allow her to get on with her life and be free to start looking for an appropriate partner for herself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) If the decision's been made, you may have few options other than to roll with it. Even though your wife wants a divorce, she still doesn't want you cheating as it "adds insult to injury". IIRC you seem to have had lots of issues with how she it, how she treats you, etc. Not happy with her, but not happy alone either, so you stayed (and cheated to try to help yourself feel happier). Divorce is not fun and being alone can be distressing for some people. Her foot dragging suggests she may not be as eager to go through it as her words suggest. But perhaps it's just taking her a while to sort out her plan for living alone and/or "find her courage" to do it. I guess time will tell. If you do end up divorced, the silver lining may be that you'll have opportunities to look for a partner who you're more compatible/happier with. "Never waste a crisis." Edited January 7 by mark clemson 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 On 1/5/2024 at 10:26 AM, Gumbeaux41 said: it is very conflicting to me also. Says she wants a divorce and then has a microscope on me at all times. Because you're still legally married. And unfortunately it is her business what you're up to, whether you like it or not. Please consult an attorney asap. While you're away on business is a great time to communicate with your attorney about the appropriate steps and how to properly prepare. Please don't interpret her being in your business as an attempt to reconcile. Maybe she's making sure you don't pull anything such as hiding marital assets or other things. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted January 9 Author Share Posted January 9 Vent: So my wife woke up this morning at 3am which is not unusual and informed me that she thinks this is not going to work. She says she is lonely and does not feel loved. She has started depression medication but she is saying it stops her from crying but gets mad instead. We have been married for 30 years and I understand she wants a connection and so do I, however it is hard for me to connect to someone who is constantly fussing at me and telling me how no good I am. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 On 1/5/2024 at 8:56 AM, Gumbeaux41 said: Guess trying to come to acceptance that divorce is the best option. On 1/5/2024 at 9:09 AM, Gumbeaux41 said: I plan on finding one and having a meeting to get information 44 minutes ago, Gumbeaux41 said: So my wife woke up this morning at 3am which is not unusual and informed me that she thinks this is not going to work. Looking back over this thread it seems you two have been terribly unhappy for years. Why are you dragging your feet when it comes to getting a divorce when your wife keeps chanting that she wants one? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) Perhaps this is part of your punishment, she reinforces the belief that she wants to improve the marriage when her behavior consistently proves otherwise… She’s got you on this hamster wheel, and the pain and frustration just continues until you say enough. Edited January 9 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 Well Im back with the same story. Little history back in october I had looked at some porn and looked up escorts in the local area. Wife looked at the history and saw that. If you want to know why, i was just curoius. Well since then she says that she cannot trust me, I lie, I dont show compassion or love and she is lonley. Our 2 kids are getting married this year with the 1st in May and last one in Sept. She says she will not live like this and is preparing herself to get divorced after the 2nd marriage. If i want to save the marriage it is on me to do it by showing her love and compassion. Well since Oct I have been workiing on myself, going to church and a mens group and truly trying to be a better person. Well 3 weeks ago my dad fell ill and was dying.i stayed with him in the hospital and when he went home for another week until he passed. She was supportive and didnt fuss when he was ill. We buried him last Wednesday and the next night Thursday she started in on me. My step mom said how good of a husband he was and she looked at me and said she cannot say that, and that i am a horrible husband. I have been getting it every day since. I am at my parents house staying to help my step mom cope last night and tonight. I get text tonight that i let another 12 hrs go by and, had no meaningful conversation, was not sweet to her and I should just stay and not go back home. So tomorrow i plan to go see an atty. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 3 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Well Im back with the same story. Little history back in october I had looked at some porn and looked up escorts in the local area. Wife looked at the history and saw that. If you want to know why, i was just curoius. Well since then she says that she cannot trust me, I lie, I dont show compassion or love and she is lonley. Our 2 kids are getting married this year with the 1st in May and last one in Sept. She says she will not live like this and is preparing herself to get divorced after the 2nd marriage. If i want to save the marriage it is on me to do it by showing her love and compassion. Well since Oct I have been workiing on myself, going to church and a mens group and truly trying to be a better person. Well 3 weeks ago my dad fell ill and was dying.i stayed with him in the hospital and when he went home for another week until he passed. She was supportive and didnt fuss when he was ill. We buried him last Wednesday and the next night Thursday she started in on me. My step mom said how good of a husband he was and she looked at me and said she cannot say that, and that i am a horrible husband. I have been getting it every day since. I am at my parents house staying to help my step mom cope last night and tonight. I get text tonight that i let another 12 hrs go by and, had no meaningful conversation, was not sweet to her and I should just stay and not go back home. So tomorrow i plan to go see an atty. Sorry to hear about your father, my condolences🙏 I went back and read the first six pages of this thread. I have three questions: 1) Does your wife feel remorse over her infidelity and expressed that remorse to you? 2) Do you feel remorse over your infidelity and expressed that remorse to her? 3) Do you love her? I don’t see how any kind of healing and reconciliation can take place between you and your wife if you both appear to be unrepentant about your affairs, unable to express your love to each other, and perpetuating a hostile, toxic atmosphere. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 ALL she says is how lonely she is and how I am cold and show no compassion. She is rt now since 4am has been texting me the laundry list of things that i have done wrong. Called and woke me up to then txt non stop. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 7 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: So tomorrow i plan to go see an atty. Thank the good Lord! 7 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: She says she will not live like this and is preparing herself to get divorced after the 2nd marriage. If i want to save the marriage it is on me to do it It is not your responsibility to “fix” the marriage - your wife has a 50% ownership of the relationship. Besides, you can’t “fix” anything if she is just going to $#]£ of you every day - that’s no way for ANYONE to love. 7 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: My step mom said how good of a husband he was and she looked at me and said she cannot say that, and that i am a horrible husband. Why do you let people speak with you this way? Forget marriage counselling - find an individual counsellor and work on your boundaries and how to assert yourself with people. I’m very sorry about your father. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 (edited) 9 hours ago, Gumbeaux41 said: Little history back in october I had looked at some porn and looked up escorts in the local area. I will add however, this was a terrible move on your part. You have previously been unfaithful in your marriage - how do you expect that your wife is going to react to the fact that you are searching for escorts online? I don’t care if the sex has dried up, there is no justification for this behavior. If you want sex - end your marriage and go find a partner. You do not have the right to cheat on your partner - repetitively. I realize that nothing happened, but the intent was there and it is hurtful. If I was your wife, I would have filed for divorce the next day. Edited March 20 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Condolences on your father. Please only communicate through your attorney. There's no point rehashing everything. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 While I don't advise people to divorce, it's also true that some marriages are better off ending. We don't exist just for our partners to vent on. Some folks feel that is normal, unfortunately. There has to be lots of good mixed in with the inevitable bad, and the bad should be minimized and rare, not habitual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 Bailey, I do agree with you, it was wrong what i did. I do feel I have needs too, it is not all about her. Yes I could have been a better husband, but I am tired also. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 1 hour ago, Gumbeaux41 said: I do feel I have needs too, it is not all about her. Of course you do - but searching for escorts while married is not a wise move for any man. You must know this - especially if you have a history of infidelity. If your needs are not being met in your marriage, you have the right to file for divorce. You do not have the right to cheat and continue to hurt your wife. Full stop. The two of you need to stop hurting each other and file for divorce. No need to wait until the children graduate - or whatever the reason is today. Trust me, your children will likely find it to be a huge relief. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 (edited) In most U.S. jurisdictions you have a right to both, actually. As well as a right to hassle your partner to the point where one or the other is pretty much inevitable. However, clearly it wouldn't be ethical or help the situation, particularly if you are (were) looking to decrease your wife's distress. Edited March 21 by mark clemson Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 I am out of town and wife saw that I had downloaded a chat and dating app. She says she wants a divorce and will tell the kids tonight. However she keeps texting me non stop about how horrible i am and pictures of the family telling me see what you messed up, see what you will be missing out on etc. My question is why is she doing that and what should I do. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gumbeaux41 Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 She is also telling me that my daughter wedding is the end of next month and she will probably not let me go to the wedding. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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