Affair partner's wife harassing me

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

What OP has posted does not sound like a controlling wife, but one who is taking care of her husband when he has a mental breakdown because of what HE did to his family. 

Furthermore, it’s not really fair to call the betrayed spouse “crazy” and “controlling” when another woman has inserted herself into her marriage. Remember, the BS is the VICTIM here. The woman has a right to be upset and angry with the OW (assuming she does not cross the line) and she has every right to demand her husband make amends, develop better boundaries, and be more transparent - that’s not controlling, that’s just fair play.

As others have said, if OP is basing her opinions on the information that has been shared by the MM, he clearly has his own bias and agenda.

Edited April 10, 2020 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

it can also be really hard to remain impartial when it comes to someone we care about. it's only to be expected that the wife gets the bulk of the blame by the WH, and therefore by extension, the OW.

[Luna66star]

Why are you involving yourself in this man's life drama?  The issues with MM and his wife are his problems.  You are not dating him and you are not part of his real life.

Leave him be.  If he has psychological issues, let a mental health professional assist him with coping strategies.  It's sad he considered suicide, but if it's gotten to that point, his life is out of control.

I think you feel partly responsible somehow.  It was his choice to have an affair.  You need to take a huge step back and concentrate on your own life.  Let him deal with his.  You two are not meant to be together.  

Things will only worse if you hang on to the threads of what was not actually a relationship to  begin with.

 

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 I still think he's (most likely) weak in other ways if he's been putting up with his spouse's apparent behavior for too long.

 

 

What apparent behavior? All I see from OP is that when she caught him cheating before, she made him set strong boundaries. I dont see any evidence by the OP that the wife was an abusive wife. 

[pepperbird]

IF (and that's one big IF) this man is truly mentally ill, then his wife deserves one hell of a lot of sympathy. Instead, she gets painted as being the cause for his illness.
If you have never lived with someone with a mental illness, you have no idea how difficult it can be or how bloody selfish someone with mental illness can be. When I say that,  don't mean they are that way on purpose, it's more like they can't  see past their own mental pain.

Many marriages where poor mental health is a factor don't survive.

[pepperbird]

14 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

What apparent behavior? All I see from OP is that when she caught him cheating before, she made him set strong boundaries. I dont see any evidence by the OP that the wife was an abusive wife. 

I don't think the OP is an impartial source. I don;t mean she being dishonest, only that she can only relate what she's been told.

[Hip Pocket]

Whittliehartz, I’m so sorry you’re going through the brunt of a nasty Dday. When anger is focused on the OP it is sorely misdirected. All that energy spent on hatred of the OP instead of working on the M is such a waste of time and energy. Why men tolerate this kind of thing is beyond me. They get more pay, more benefits, yet they kowtow to angry wives like children and in doing so they give permission to their Ws to control them forever. And forever is a very long time. 

If she reached out to me I’d suggest, if she wants to truly repair the M, she should try to focus her efforts on that rather than on me. 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

What apparent behavior? ... I dont see any evidence by the OP that the wife was an abusive wife. 

I didn't say abusive, but I suppose that is questionable. Perhaps you have never encountered a couple where a weak man is coupled with a truly nasty wife who pushes him around constantly, but it does occasionally happen. I've seen it a few times and it sure ain't pretty.

On 4/9/2020 at 2:52 PM, Whittliehartz said:

He wanted me to save him from her. I should have known she was indeed crazy and I should have never gotten involved. 

 he confided in me about his feelings of depression and hopelessness in his marriage. He isn't especially likeable to most people and doesn't have any friends. Home life for him was/is living hell. He is married to a psychopathic narcissistic woman who only sees what he does wrong.

To me, some of the things that apparently happened after the Ddays seem to confirm this "harridan" impression. Also, IMO you don't reconcile by trying to force a WS who has no interest in that to stick around and control their life. There is no "setting boundaries" if the WS isn't interested in being there at all. I don't see how that could that possibly work or accomplish anything?

On 4/9/2020 at 2:52 PM, Whittliehartz said:

The day she intercepted his texts, be threatened to kill himself. She sent him away to the psychiatry ward and immediately began spreading lies and rumors. She texted me non stop terrible expletives, called me, mysteriously got my husband's number and wouldn't leave him alone. (I told my husband a majority of everything that happened and we are okay). She had her sister reach out to my husband, one of my best friends, possibly my manager ... She is refusing to listen to anything he has to say and she refuses to see what she has done to contribute to this situation. ...their relationship has been toxic for years. I

I know his wife is the victim, but it was her controlling and victimizing mindset that has made this so much worse. I know he wants to leave her but I know he probably won't. And she is just going to continue onward with her manipulation, lies and harassment.

Taken together, this all gives quite the "harridan" impression (I can think of some worse descriptions too, but I'll skip them for now). I'm honestly surprised you are reading this post and do not see it. I do recognize that some WS's do lie about their situation, and new information that this was all overblown could come to light. However, in the meantime, I'm going with the information as presented.

[Starswillshine]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

didn't say abusive, but I suppose that is questionable. Perhaps you have never encountered a couple where a weak man is coupled with a truly nasty wife who pushes him around constantly, but it does occasionally happen. I've seen it a few times and it sure ain't pretty.

I'm just failing to see where his wife is this person.

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Taken together, this all gives quite the "harridan" impression

It may do if the wife was not dealing with a mentally ill cheating man.
What he says to his mistress cannot be trusted.
MM are notorious for making up stories about their life and wife...

But the fact is, he became suicidal when he was found out to be cheating by his wife. 
He was ill enough to be committed to a psychiatric facility, so this was pretty serious mental illness.
Now I guess his wife and family cannot let him out of their sight in case he does commit suicide...
His wife will no doubt be in hell here.
 

[preraph]

Yeah.  I can't tell you how many cheating men carrying on a secret life I've heard tell their mistress they can't leave because they wife is unstable and mentally ill, sick, disabled, etc.  

Edited April 11, 2020 by preraph

[pepperbird]

this man is obviously coping with some form of mental illness. Being committed doesn't happen on a whim-one often has to beg. If he was admitted involuntarily, it's highly probably that he arrived there after contact with first responders such as an ambulance or by police.

It's also highly likely this wasn't just a manipulative threat to try and control the situation he was in. He is truly ill.
If this man was admitted for mental health care, they would ask him if they can speak with his family. He wold have been given inpatient care or at least an evaluation, and when they felt he was stable, he was released to community care on an ongoing basis that would continue likely for months. If he's considered a vulnerable adult, and even if he wasn't, there would have been a continuity of care plan put into place. It would include an environment where the man could enjoy stability and safety. Whether that's true for his family or not, that's where he chose to go.

This is the reason he is staying at home, with family and it could even be the reaosn he was even released in the first place.

If I am wrong, and I could be,  and the version of the story the OP believes is correct, then this man is a vulnerable adult and in an abusive environment. She should contact the police so he can get out.  The same is true if she feels she's being harassed. It will certainly make it stop.

 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

There is no "setting boundaries" if theWS isn't interested in being there at all. I don't see how that could that possibly work or accomplish anything?

Absolutely true, so why is he there? The WS/MM is a grown man he could leave whenever he wanted to so why is he choosing to live under these restrictions?

As for the BW sending "him away to the psychiatry ward" what was she supposed to do? This was one of 2 things, a manipulation tactic to get her to feel sorry for him and not take any action on discovering his affair or an actual call for help. The man would not have been admitted without a psyche work-up being carried out, but that doesn't fit your narrative of the nasty BW does it.

As for contacting the OP's BH - good for her, I see the OP can't even tell her husband the truth even now.

At the end of the day the WH/MM is the only one who can choose his path in life. No-one here knows what his BW's character is  like in real life. 

I certainly don't subscribe to the idea that all BSs are sweetness and light or every marriage was "good" prior to the affair however I think the OP is repeating what her MM told her, and IMHO   in all probability heavily biased in his favour, because cheaters lie. None of that matters because he should have left if things were that bad not started an affair with another man's wife!

Let's not ignore the fact the OP is still way too heavily invested in this MM and has too much information. Somehow I don't believe she's actually NC, oh they may have got rid of one phone but they're easy to get hold of or there are other ways to communicate.

 

[MilaVaneela]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

If I am wrong, and I could be,  and the version of the story the OP believes is correct, then this man is a vulnerable adult and in an abusive environment. She should contact the police so he can get out.  The same is true if she feels she's being harassed. It will certainly make it stop.

This is the thing, here. 
 

The OP hasn’t returned, or I’d ask her: what would she do if her AP was being exploited by his wife and parents? She could contact law enforcement for a wellness check (can be done anonymously at least where I live) or contact Adult Protective Services because if he’s unwell to the point of being involuntarily committed, then he would certainly fall within their jurisdiction. Also, what plan would she have to support him as he undergoes psychiatric treatment? Does she have one? I don’t mean this harshly or as a criticism of the OP but she commented that he “wants her to save him” and sadly, love/attachment/intimacy  isn’t all one needs in cases like this. 
 

I suppose I’m a bit hung up on this (and again, this is not a judgment of the OP’s character as a whole because there’s so much stigma and ignorance around mental health issues) because of the flippant tone the OP took with regards to her AP being hospitalized “oh his evil scheming b*tch of a wife got him locked in the looney bin just to control him”. I’ll quit beating the dead horse again after I get my thoughts out but: I doubt this woman is clever or brilliant enough to manipulate police officers and/or paramedics, a judge, licensed psychiatrists, and her in laws into colluding with her grand scheme to put the poor man “in the madhouse”. 
I don’t know the nature of this man’s issues but if he hadn’t gotten treatment and in the future he had some sort of psychotic break, it could very well end in tragedy for him, his family and even potentially the OP. (Believe me, I know.) 

*puts away my carriage whip and holds a funeral for the poor deceased equine* 

 

 

Edited April 12, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Left out a sentence

[rainfall]

You brought this “crazy” on yourself by getting involved with a married man. Trust me just the thought of some people’s husband cheating is enough to drive them crazy, and to find out it is actually happening is enough to make someone completely lose their mind. 
 

The wife is the victim here. Everything that happened is your fault. You knew he was married, but all you cared about is yourself and “saving” him from whatever fake sob story he gave you. Grow up, face what you did, and vow to never get involved with a man in any relationship again. 

[Prudence V]

On 4/10/2020 at 9:08 PM, Allupinnit said:

Having someone's BS after you could all be avoided by staying away from an affair in the first place.  People don't seem to understand that the best way to live your life is staying OUT of these situations in the first place rather than trying to clean up the inevitable mess and trail of broken hearts after the fact.  

That’s no guarantee - there are plenty of paranoid spouses who assume any friendship between their spouse and a friend / colleague of the sex their partner is attracted to is an affair - there are several threads on these boards, including one I remember rather recently. 

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, pepperbird said:

this man is obviously coping with some form of mental illness.

Interesting that when the BW loses it following DDay, it’s excused as a response to extreme stress, and the BW isn’t painted as “mentally ill” but as normal, responding to extreme circumstances - yet this same consideration isn’t afforded to the MM. After all, he must be an inexcusable POS so why view him with any sympathy - even with the evidence presented about his harridan wife’s unhinged behaviour. 
 

It’s perfectly feasible that, on DDay, he also experienced a crisis situation - who knows what she threatened him with, or what abuse (consistent with the harassment she’s visiting on the OP) she melted out to him? It’s totally credible that her response caused him such stress and fear that ending his life seemed preferable to whatever she threatened him with, at least to his terrified mind. He was taken into care, stabilised and released to his family rather than to his (possibly abusive) BW, after all, which suggests that the health sector didn’t view his BW as an unmitigated force for good in his life, and recognised her potential role in creating his mental health crisis. 
 

I don’t know which country OP is posting from, or what the protocols in such cases are, but there is nothing that suggests to me that the handling of his case implies he has long term mental health issues, beyond those rooted in his toxic marriage. 

[Robert2016]

We got close because he confided in me about his feelings of depression and hopelessness in his marriage. He isn't especially likeable to most people and doesn't have any friends. Home life for him was/is living hell. He is married to a psychopathic narcissistic woman who only sees what he does wrong.

You don't really know this man (just what he tells you);  nor are you qualified to diagnose whether he's depressed; nor are you qualified to diagnose that his wife is psychopathic narcissistic; nor do you know what a living hell his wife is going through living with this guy.  In reality you know nothing about his marriage nor are you qualified to get involved.

However, you do know that he "isn't likeable to most people" (and in my opinion based on your posts he's manipulative). 

You allowed yourself to get pulled into his marriage and you keep trying to justify it to yourself. Stop it.

You got used. 

[Allupinnit]

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

That’s no guarantee - there are plenty of paranoid spouses who assume any friendship between their spouse and a friend / colleague of the sex their partner is attracted to is an affair - there are several threads on these boards, including one I remember rather recently. 

Yeah I mean anything is possible in life right?   You're seriously reaching.

[Amethyst68]

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Interesting that when the BW loses it following DDay, it’s excused as a response to extreme stress, and the BW isn’t painted as “mentally ill” but as normal, responding to extreme circumstances - yet this same consideration isn’t afforded to the MM. After all, he must be an inexcusable POS so why view him with any sympathy - even with the evidence presented about his harridan wife’s unhinged behaviour. 
 

It’s perfectly feasible that, on DDay, he also experienced a crisis situation - who knows what she threatened him with, or what abuse (consistent with the harassment she’s visiting on the OP) she melted out to him? It’s totally credible that her response caused him such stress and fear that ending his life seemed preferable to whatever she threatened him with, at least to his terrified mind. He was taken into care, stabilised and released to his family rather than to his (possibly abusive) BW, after all, which suggests that the health sector didn’t view his BW as an unmitigated force for good in his life, and recognised her potential role in creating his mental health crisis. 
 

I don’t know which country OP is posting from, or what the protocols in such cases are, but there is nothing that suggests to me that the handling of his case implies he has long term mental health issues, beyond those rooted in his toxic marriage. 

It's the OP that mentions his depression and anxiety, both of which are "mental illnesses" so why the derogatory implication to the term?

As to the suicide, who knows how far this man actually went, if it was a manipulation tactic, a cry for help or a serious attempt to take his own life. The only thing I know for sure is that the wife acted to get him professional medical help and yet somehow people are trying to spin that as abuse. If she hasn't taken action and he had made a second, successful attempt at suicide she'd be accused of neglect.

[pepperbird]

17 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Yeah I mean anything is possible in life right?   You're seriously reaching.

 

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Interesting that when the BW loses it following DDay, it’s excused as a response to extreme stress, and the BW isn’t painted as “mentally ill” but as normal, responding to extreme circumstances - yet this same consideration isn’t afforded to the MM. After all, he must be an inexcusable POS so why view him with any sympathy - even with the evidence presented about his harridan wife’s unhinged behaviour. 
 

It’s perfectly feasible that, on DDay, he also experienced a crisis situation - who knows what she threatened him with, or what abuse (consistent with the harassment she’s visiting on the OP) she melted out to him? It’s totally credible that her response caused him such stress and fear that ending his life seemed preferable to whatever she threatened him with, at least to his terrified mind. He was taken into care, stabilised and released to his family rather than to his (possibly abusive) BW, after all, which suggests that the health sector didn’t view his BW as an unmitigated force for good in his life, and recognised her potential role in creating his mental health crisis. 
 

I don’t know which country OP is posting from, or what the protocols in such cases are, but there is nothing that suggests to me that the handling of his case implies he has long term mental health issues, beyond those rooted in his toxic marriage. 

I think I'll trust the expert opinions of the experts in this case, especially as they have met the man and hopefully his family. There's hardly a double standard here.

Edited April 12, 2020 by pepperbird

[pepperbird]

2 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

It's the OP that mentions his depression and anxiety, both of which are "mental illnesses" so why the derogatory implication to the term?

As to the suicide, who knows how far this man actually went, if it was a manipulation tactic, a cry for help or a serious attempt to take his own life. The only thing I know for sure is that the wife acted to get him professional medical help and yet somehow people are trying to spin that as abuse. If she hasn't taken action and he had made a second, successful attempt at suicide she'd be accused of neglect.

To some people, BS will forever and always be the cause of infidelity. It's actually rather ironic. The BS is seen as being responsible for someone else's choices. It;s the same way it can be easy to completrely blame the ow/om for an affair and see them as "luring" the WS away some how. Thart's silly. The WS made his or her choices.Making someone else responsible for them is what a child does.

[sandylee1]

What could she possibly have said that he would rather kill himself? That she was leaving him after a second affair?

That she works expose his cheating? Or that she would take him.to the cleaners? Seriously...let's get real.

 

Edited April 18, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Miss Clavel]

if you have the number, try to text/dm someone in his family.

explain, apologize and swear if will never happen again. remind them you are married and want to stay that way. save the texts.

change your number. change all your media everywhere.

if they continue, show the bw's angry abusive violent texts to anyone she tries to bad mouth you too. and then to the police if they threaten violence.

 

[pepperbird]

33 minutes ago, Miss Clavel said:

if you have the number, try to text/dm someone in his family.

explain, apologize and swear if will never happen again. remind them you are married and want to stay that way. save the texts.

change your number. change all your media everywhere.

if they continue, show the bw's angry abusive violent texts to anyone she tries to bad mouth you too. and then to the police if they threaten violence.

 

OP,

If this woman is actually threatening  you with physical harm, call the police. They can sort through all of this and you won't have to worry.  Like I said before,. if you are truly worried about this man and that he's being forced to stay where he doesn't want to be, call the police. Let them sort through all this,. It will give you peace of mind and take it off your plate.