What do Men Desire and Value in a Woman?

[Els]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

The guys who did care about me, it wasn't just physical.  It was they thought I was cool and "one of them" or whatever.  We related well to each other about things like music and other things. 

Definitely! It's a filter for me, actually - if the bond is solely sexual/physical, I think it's unlikely to last long-term, so I wouldn't consider any man who thinks sex is priority numero uno as a long-term prospect. Other people can do whatever they want of course, but I've rarely seen that turn out well.

Edited March 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

9 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Definitely! It's a filter for me, actually - if the bond is solely sexual/physical, I think it's unlikely to last long-term, so I wouldn't consider any man who thinks sex is priority numero uno as a long-term prospect. Other people can do whatever they want of course, but I've rarely seen that turn out well.

Well, unfortunately, that didn't always preclude them from making sex with other women a priority!!  

Edited March 28, 2020 by preraph

[Els]

Just now, preraph said:

Well, unfortunately, that didn't always preclude them from making sex with other women a priority!!  

Yeah, some people suck. But I don't think physical attractiveness precludes someone's partner from cheating either. Look at all the celeb drama...

[preraph]

3 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Yeah, some people suck. But I don't think physical attractiveness precludes someone's partner from cheating either. Look at all the celeb drama...

Oh, no, not at all.  I've always said, If they can, they will.  I used to think it was just the hot guys, but not at all.  One guy who was a friend wasn't attractive, pudgy, glasses, just not attractive physically, and went about it like some of those guys do, basically surveilling women for a long time and then cornering them somewhere and taking a shot.  Anyway, he finally got to just dating someone (he did have a good job) and by sheer perversion of the universe, then he also had a shot with another woman who just dropped in his lap, and he was so proud of himself for playing both women at the same time and actually said, Just like my friends always could.  I mean, it was like this sweet revenge.  Instead of being happy he had a sincere woman trying to date him, he got more glee out of having two and just ruining both things.  Made him feel like a stud, for a very short period of how long it lasted.  So yeah, doesn't matter how attractive.  The lesser ones, the "nice guys" are even more desperate to wreak havoc.  

And you see guys cheating on one for one who isn't nearly as attractive or classy all the time too.  This was a particular pet peeve, and that is about respect.  They don't care.

[Els]

Just now, preraph said:

Oh, no, not at all.  I've always said, If they can, they will.  I used to think it was just the hot guys, but not at all.  One guy who was a friend wasn't attractive, pudgy, glasses, just not attractive physically, and went about it like some of those guys do, basically surveilling women for a long time and then cornering them somewhere and taking a shot.  Anyway, he finally got to just dating someone (he did have a good job) and by sheer perversion of the universe, then he also had a shot with another woman who just dropped in his lap, and he was so proud of himself for playing both women at the same time and actually said, Just like my friends always could.  I mean, it was like this sweet revenge.  Instead of being happy he had a sincere woman trying to date him, he got more glee out of having two and just ruining both things.  Made him feel like a stud, for a very short period of how long it lasted.  So yeah, doesn't matter how attractive.  The lesser ones, the "nice guys" are even more desperate to wreak havoc.  

And you see guys cheating on one for one who isn't nearly as attractive or classy all the time too.  This was a particular pet peeve, and that is about respect.  They don't care.

Yeah, I think cheating can be caused by a lot of things - attractiveness is the least of it. IMO some people are just the kind of folks who always want something "new" or "different" - they can be with their most desired ideal partner, but the yardsticks will change with the years.

[preraph]

Right.  I was pretty explorative myself, but if I was in love, I never would have cheated and not even been very attracted to other guys.   I don't know any men like that.  I'm sure there are so, but It's a basic difference.  

[Els]

Just now, preraph said:

Right.  I was pretty explorative myself, but if I was in love, I never would have cheated and not even been very attracted to other guys.   I don't know any men like that.  I'm sure there are so, but It's a basic difference.  

Infidelity is relatively common regardless of gender, from what I can tell. I've known quite a few women who cheated too. But it's certainly not everyone.

[Shining One]

15 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

As an early observation, men in this thread focus on two things; sex and money.

I think this is a chicken and the egg situation. Are men focused on money because they've encountered many women whose attraction to them was contingent on money? I believe so. I certainly seek out women whose attraction to me isn't contingent on money being spent on them.

[preraph]

When I say cheated, I mean you're in a committed relationship, not just dating without any exclusivity agreement.  Otherwise, if there's no agreement, it's not cheating.  It's dating around.  Of course, there wasn't a lot of commitment going around when I was young.  It was a free-for-all. 

 

Like I thought I had a committed relationship on one guy who really pursued me when I was reluctant because of feeling more like friends for him.  He had tried to live with me and moved in next to me after I said no (he was separated) and mentioned his intentions, using the M word as well, so I thought it was some sort of commitment, but it wasn't.  Still, I didn't mess around on him, but of course found out he did on me.  I didn't really much care, but after all the pressure to be with him and then that was just not appreciated.  I had actually asked him to please date the other two women I knew he liked before me (give him a chance to rebound from his divorce for one thing and for another, I was not really wanting to do this, having had a bad breakup.)  But he said I was top of his list and insisted and I was in a bad place (apt had blown up) and not on top of things like I normally would have been.  

[K.K.]

Hey... I was just remembering something that a poster here said. (Maybe Capslock?) Anyway, he said that men wanted to feel needed. His example was trying to help a lady with her car (forgot the details) but that she said nah she was good and didn’t need him. 

So a bit later she asked him for help (man I hope I’m remembering this right) and he said nahhh forget you! 

His point was that men wanted to feel needed. In that way. Like if a guy tried to hold the door for me and I said nah I’m ok. He would feel offended. (I wouldn’t turn down his door opening offer though.) 

How much independence is too much? Does it get to be a turn off somewhere along the line at some point? 

[chillii]

Men like to feel needed by their partner just like she likes to feel needed by him , my woman loves feeling needed but really any of that's just a natural human two way thing that's just well , nice.

But funny , doors or out and about or whatever like that , strangers , giving someone a hand , or a door or a lift, l couldn't care less if she said nah she's right , for me l'd be in my head like , ahh good , saves me the trouble l was only being polite.

Edited March 28, 2020 by chillii

[preraph]

I've had guys who wanted to feel needed and I've had even more who took off running if you needed them!  But yeah, the ones who feel the need to feel needed and be the hero really do want that and possibly won't stay if they don't think you need them.  I had one like that.  But that wasn't the only issue.  But he is a true sucker for anyone needy who will then act like he's a hero.  A bit nauseating.  

 

Another guy I know really had to save a woman to get in very deep.  

[chillii]

Ahhh , you've completely lost me and done my head in with all that P , nothing at all like l was talking about personally , and like so does my woman wanna be a hero to feel needed , me thinks not . One of the reasons my marriage broke up was because ex felt like l didn't need her actually , in the way l'm talking it's just a perfectly natural thing and just part of being a couple between two people.

But funny , if your talking about saving the day out somewhere or the night in armor stuff or something like that then nope,forget it,  l couldn't care less about saving the day matter of fact someone else can be the hero that'd be great in my book then l can go on with whatever l was doing haha. Or even partner wise , l really wouldn't like being needed in that kind of degree myself. Me l was only talking in any usual everyday ways between two people and all little things you do for each other, that , now that's just nice , and cool too. Not to say that if she was in some really deep shyt and l could help yeah sure of course l'd wanna help if l could , and so would she me.

Edited March 28, 2020 by chillii

[basil67]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Hey... I was just remembering something that a poster here said. (Maybe Capslock?) Anyway, he said that men wanted to feel needed. His example was trying to help a lady with her car (forgot the details) but that she said nah she was good and didn’t need him. 

So a bit later she asked him for help (man I hope I’m remembering this right) and he said nahhh forget you! 

His point was that men wanted to feel needed. In that way. Like if a guy tried to hold the door for me and I said nah I’m ok. He would feel offended. (I wouldn’t turn down his door opening offer though.) 

How much independence is too much? Does it get to be a turn off somewhere along the line at some point? 

In my view, this goes back to my (semi-joking) suggestion about women (me) not caring about what men want.   I remember the post you're describing and was shocked that a guy had an ego so fragile that he couldn't cope with a woman who wanted to have a crack at fixing her car.   As a woman who's father taught her the emergency fixes of changing a tyre and a clutch start (both skills I've used plenty of times), I consider having such a guy walk away from me to be dodging a bullet.  Hence not caring about whether a guy feels I'm too independent. 

 

[Els]

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Hey... I was just remembering something that a poster here said. (Maybe Capslock?) Anyway, he said that men wanted to feel needed. His example was trying to help a lady with her car (forgot the details) but that she said nah she was good and didn’t need him. 

So a bit later she asked him for help (man I hope I’m remembering this right) and he said nahhh forget you! 

His point was that men wanted to feel needed. In that way. Like if a guy tried to hold the door for me and I said nah I’m ok. He would feel offended. (I wouldn’t turn down his door opening offer though.) 

How much independence is too much? Does it get to be a turn off somewhere along the line at some point? 

I'm not sure what you mean by the door example - you said "nah I'm ok" but you also didn't turn it down? Isn't that kind of the same thing?

I think that there are two issues here. With the door example I guess some people might feel a bit put off if they held a door open for someone and it was refused. But I don't think that necessarily has to do with "not being needed", but rather "not being appreciated/valued". Kind of like if you cooked a meal for someone and he declined to eat it and said "nah I'm good".

I think a lot of people want to be VALUED, but also don't want to be with someone who literally needs them to survive and cannot be on their own. That certainly applies to H and I, anyway.

[preraph]

Oh, yes, women are like that too, Chili, some of them. I'm saying I'm been involved with two different kinds of them.  One was really gullible and let manipulative women act whiny and needy and then fleece him both personally and professionally.  He'd believe anything they said as long as they were teary and/or acting like he was their hero.  

 

The other was a white knight.  He met one woman he dated for quite a while when she was a server in a restaurant and her jealous by or ex came in and was shoving her around, and he stepped in.  Later, he snuck a woman out of a Western European country and married her, not sure which order, but it was to save her.  They didn't stay together once she was here and safe.  He always had a flair for the dramatic.  I adore him and always have.  But I never needed saving, so here I am....

[K.K.]

1 minute ago, Elswyth said:

I'm not sure what you mean by the door example - you said "nah I'm ok" but you also didn't turn it down? Isn't that kind of the same thing?

Nah, it was a hypothetical thing. I didn’t turn down any door holding. 
I wouldn’t because I think that’s rude unless I’m wayyy back here and don’t want him standing there all day having to wait for me to get to the door. 

I agree with the rest of your post. 🙂 

[basil67]

True that.  Having a door held open is only a need if someone can't manage it on their own - such as someone who's using a walker or wheelchair or wrangling a baby pram.   Otherwise, it's a courtesy.

[K.K.]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

In my view, this goes back to my (semi-joking) suggestion about women (me) not caring about what men want.   I remember the post you're describing and was shocked that a guy had an ego so fragile that he couldn't cope with a woman who wanted to have a crack at fixing her car.   As a woman who's father taught her the emergency fixes of changing a tyre and a clutch start (both skills I've used plenty of times), I consider having such a guy walk away from me to be dodging a bullet.  Hence not caring about whether a guy feels I'm too independent. 

 

Yes, I was a little shocked too that’s why I think I (semi) remembered his post. I couldn’t help but think of all those times that I pumped my own gas or checked my own oil or something. 😛 

[preraph]

I don't know what's worse, me smelling like gasoline or them smelling like gasoline.  

[Robert]

***Note from moderation***

Let's keep the posts on topic and civil please, fighting with other posters is considered off topic.

Thanks

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

As a woman in search mode I would really like to hear from the men their honest opinions without being criticized, judged or crucified for their responses.  If sex is number one then so be it. I like sex so got that covered.  
What else?  Since I lean more toward the chemistry end of the spectrum vs friendship, what are the components that make up chemistry for men?

[carhill]

18 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Since I lean more toward the chemistry end of the spectrum vs friendship, what are the components that make up chemistry for men?

Transparency, vulnerability, affection mixed in with some acceptance and understanding. Keep the narc at bay. OK once in awhile. Stow the claws. We don't need nor want that at home. At least I don't. Claws plus BS laws have me heading for the exit quicker than can spit. Guys who enjoy dramatic relationships might like that, I don't. Don't need nor want the LivePD domestic sht.

[Cookiesandough]

Tig ol’ bitties and a booty looking like two christmas hams tryna’ skateboard

[chillii]

3 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

As a woman in search mode I would really like to hear from the men their honest opinions without being criticized, judged or crucified for their responses.  If sex is number one then so be it. I like sex so got that covered.  
What else?  Since I lean more toward the chemistry end of the spectrum vs friendship, what are the components that make up chemistry for men?

Don't get me wrong l like it all and then some but yeah the way we are , the person she is , her depth n views, principles, and that we're best friends too , if we weren't then somethings wrong in my book , like ultimate best. lt's also extremely important to me that she just naturally gets me too , and that ain't easy l'm no plain jane that is for sure and not an easy person to get but then she'll be a one off too and so for me to just get her too and to just naturally click and get along as well , just fit.  Not all to the degree of boring , some different is damn nice too , but it's both if your naturally into each other so boring really doesn't come into it anyway..

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by chillii