Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Hi guys! Firstly sorry for my English because I'm Italian. I know some people might judge me and that is one reason I'm afraid to talk to people because they would think i am stupid to be in a relationship like that. I have been for more than a year with this guy. We were totally in love and he was so romantic. He still is when we don't fight, but i think he has changed. He is not the one i met and fell in love with. 5-6 months after we started the relationship, i went abroad for studies and we decided to have a long distance relationship. We had our first great fight after 4 months of relationship. He was saying that i was a liar and slut and i destroyed his life, i brought darkness into his life etc. When we met, he brought me flowers and chocolates. That was fine. Since than, when we fight he becomes another person. He has trust issues on me, he always says that I'm a whore and thinks that i am cheating. He was my first and he still doesn't belive me that I was a virgin, (maybe because I didn't bleed). And when I say I didn't know how to kiss, he says that i acted like I didn't know beacuse I'm a liar and that kind of whore that is hard to find. I stress him out and make him angry, he offends me really badly. One day he said that I will end up on the streets, a whore, with no education. (I have to mention that he has gone only in high school) I have been talking to him and telling that it makes me feel bad, but he doesn't care and doesn't accept his fault. He says that I make him act like that. He makes me cry, sees me crying and do nothing but worse.I said one day if he feels powerful towards me when he does that. As a reply i got: "I am more powerful and dominant than you, I don't have to act like I am.. I feel like I'm walking on eggs. Everything that I might say, might make him angry and he will start shouting and make me pressure that he will break up. Even though i show him fact that what he thinks and says isn't true, he still doesn't accept it and continues to offend me. I'm depressed. I'm on another country, alone, I have no one and I haven't made new friends, especially guys because I feel bad, though i have nothing with them, except friendship. All I want is to be alone. I don't go out with friends. (He also thinks that they are whores too) And although I'm alone all day in my room, he still thinks that I go out and have fun. I know this relationship is destroying me, but i find it so hard to break up with him. When I think on our memories together, I feel sad to end it. He is lovely with me when we are with his friend and when we don't argue, but I don't know the person he becomes when we fight. He accepts that he has problems with himself and many personalities. He says thay when we fight, one personality says to be angry, and the other one to come and hug me. He says that he never loved someone like me and that is why we are still together. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to tell my best friend that he is somehow abusive, because I think that she would judge me on still being in a relationship with him. I want to be with him, but I wnat to change the way he treats me and thinks on different situations. Sometimes I thinks that he is a typical mascilist and that makes me angry. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Here's something to always remember. People are on their BEST behavior when they are first trying to date you or dating you. The longer you know the person, that is the REAL person, not the one who was trying to impress you in the beginning. So he hasn't changed. You were just with him long enough he stopped trying to impress you and now you are seeing what a jerk he is. He's not nice, and he's not going to get any better, so you really need to find someone better. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 He is so angry with me even though I did nothing.he has trust issues. He keeps insulting me and doesn't accept that this is wrong. All I want is an apology and all I get is you' ll never get that from me. He says that I destory his life and makes me pressure to break up. This time he is threatening me that if I don't respect his decision, I will have to deal with consequences. I love him and I find it hard to give up on him. I know that he says that just because he is angry, but I'm tired crying all the time. I have done anything to make thinks work, he did nothing. He is so proud of himself. I was always the one who asked for apology even though I did nothing wrong, I am the only one who has fought for him. I have to let him go but I am so attached to him and the memories. It's a long distance relationship. We can't even talk face to face to make things clear. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Never wait around for someone to tell you they don't like you twice. The fact this is under long distance tells me it was likely doomed from the start. He doesn't want you at all anymore and now you are just harassing him, frankly. Stop it and be adult about it and leave him alone. Block him and don't look at his social media. It's not love if the other person doesn't want you. That alone should tell you that they are not the person for you. The first requirement is a love match loves you back! And whatever happened in the past, it's over now and he wants you to leave him alone, and you need to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) This is not love. Let him go. The only question you should be asking right now is why you tolerated this kind of behaviour from a man. Edited February 13, 2020 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 If this is a Long Distance Relationship and you are not married, you have a simple solution. Just walk away and ignore any contacts. If he says he's coming to visit, threaten to call the police/authorities. If he suddenly shows up without warning, DO call the police authorities. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 Why do you love him? He doesn't sound very lovable to me. You should not continue to date paranoid people who don't trust you. Break up with him. Work on your self esteem. Then when you feel better about things you will realize how much better your life is without him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 I'm so depressed. I feel so lonely. I'm on a difficult time of my life and I don't have anyone to talk to. And all he does is just leave me and accuse me for everything Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 3 minutes ago, Annamarie1 said: I'm so depressed. I feel so lonely. I'm on a difficult time of my life and I don't have anyone to talk to. And all he does is just leave me and accuse me for everything Annamarie, you do not want a man like this. Build some friendships, find yourself a counsellor, go home if you can... Let this man go. This is not healthy for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 The only reason you miss him is because somehow he became the only person in your life. But he's a negative influence. You can't let loneliness drive you to bad people. Get out and meet people. Take a job where you're working with the public so you meet people. Or start going to church. At least if you go to church you've always got someone to sit and talk to about problems and some group activities. You're better off alone than having someone bad around you. So don't sit around giving yourself time to feel lonely. If you've got one job get another to fill your time. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Get up and get to work and go do fun things whether you have someone to do them with her or not. the fact that you're letting this person stay in your life tells me you need to work on your self-esteem and that means you got some work to do before you're ready for a relationship and should only be trying to find friends at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 10 minutes ago, preraph said: The only reason you miss him is because somehow he became the only person in your life. But he's a negative influence. You can't let loneliness drive you to bad people. Get out and meet people. Take a job where you're working with the public so you meet people. Or start going to church. At least if you go to church you've always got someone to sit and talk to about problems and some group activities. You're better off alone than having someone bad around you. So don't sit around giving yourself time to feel lonely. If you've got one job get another to fill your time. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Get up and get to work and go do fun things whether you have someone to do them with her or not. the fact that you're letting this person stay in your life tells me you need to work on your self-esteem and that means you got some work to do before you're ready for a relationship and should only be trying to find friends at this point. He was my first love and he doesn't believe that. My best friend would judge me for still being with him. One day when he heard him insulting me, she said that I was stupid to be with someone like him. She would have cut him off. There are some people who were trying all this time to be friends with me, but i push them away. I hate it when they see me on the street and call my name. Especially guys, I don't have male friends at all, I have pushed them away because I didn't want my boyfriend to have any doubt, though they were very friendly and were trying to help me. Ans I know it is wrong. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I think I hate love. And I hate him for destorying me Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 He's not your boyfriend anymore, so you need to stop caring what he would think and stop all communication with him and put him in the past. Then you can make new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 52 minutes ago, preraph said: He's not your boyfriend anymore, so you need to stop caring what he would think and stop all communication with him and put him in the past. Then you can make new friends. Well, I know I have to stop caring, but it's not easy. How could someone be such a jerk! I gave him everything and he dumped me. He even left me on Valentine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 It's a lesson to learn. Giving to people who don't deserve it is just a waste of your heart and resources. It's something to remember. Keep things balanced. Don't give or get carried away over someone who isn't as invested as you are, and that goes for friends too. you can't obligate someone into loving you and there are people and he is probably one who don't even have the capacity so real love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Share Posted February 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, preraph said: It's a lesson to learn. Giving to people who don't deserve it is just a waste of your heart and resources. It's something to remember. Keep things balanced. Don't give or get carried away over someone who isn't as invested as you are, and that goes for friends too. you can't obligate someone into loving you and there are people and he is probably one who don't even have the capacity so real love. I hate the fact that he was so lovely in the beginning. I wasn't sure about this relationship at first and our mutual friends told me that he was so in love with me, he used to talk with them about me and telling them how much he liked me even though we weren't together at that time. He did everything to be with me beacuse I didn't even want to go on a date with him. (All beacause there where I met him, were many other guys who liked me and wanted to be with me and I thought it was a game of them, who would "win" me) I know he chose me before other girls there who tried to make him like them. I'm sure he loved me more than other girls. I could tell. He made me meet his family even though I didn't want ti because ti was early. He did thay because he wantet to grow old with me. And his fmaily likes me as well. He said that his father and mother never liked the girls he was before me. But with me they were nicer and tried to make me feel home and happy. I don't know what's going on now. Why did he change like that? Maybe he might be cheating? Or he took me for granted that I would never leave? I don't know. I don't know him anymore and I don't know myself anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 What people do in the beginning doesn't have much bearing on how they are when you get to know them later. There are a few exceptions to this but in general people are on their best behavior when they first meet you and are trying to win you or bed you. The version of the person you know at the beginning is not the true person. The longer you know them the better you know the person. You see a lot of people hanging on to that like they think that's the true person and they're waiting for them to come back, and that is unfortunately just not true. The person you knew at the beginning was a combination of their best behavior, behavior they couldn't maintain because it didn't come naturally to them, combined with you projecting your ideal man on to them that lives in your head. Because you didn't really know the person early on, that leaves plenty of room for you giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming they are all the best things you hope they will be. You have to let go of that. He's not that person, never was 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 14, 2020 Author Share Posted February 14, 2020 3 minutes ago, preraph said: What people do in the beginning doesn't have much bearing on how they are when you get to know them later. There are a few exceptions to this but in general people are on their best behavior when they first meet you and are trying to win you or bed you. The version of the person you know at the beginning is not the true person. The longer you know them the better you know the person. You see a lot of people hanging on to that like they think that's the true person and they're waiting for them to come back, and that is unfortunately just not true. The person you knew at the beginning was a combination of their best behavior, behavior they couldn't maintain because it didn't come naturally to them, combined with you projecting your ideal man on to them that lives in your head. Because you didn't really know the person early on, that leaves plenty of room for you giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming they are all the best things you hope they will be. You have to let go of that. He's not that person, never was I think i need counseling. I'm hurting myself while loving him. I'm going to miss though how proud he was of me and how he showed the others that he was happy to be with me, even though I am understanding now that deep down inside he didn't love me as he did in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Go to a real psychologist. You can't be that reliant on another person to feel good about yourself. I think that probably is a self-esteem issue. if you can afford it a psychologist would probably be of some help to you through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Annamarie1 said: He was my first love and he doesn't believe that. My best friend would judge me for still being with him. One day when he heard him insulting me, she said that I was stupid to be with someone like him. She would have cut him off. There are some people who were trying all this time to be friends with me, but i push them away. I hate it when they see me on the street and call my name. Especially guys, I don't have male friends at all, I have pushed them away because I didn't want my boyfriend to have any doubt, though they were very friendly and were trying to help me. Ans I know it is wrong. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I think I hate love. And I hate him for destorying me You need strong female friends to support you, not some guy. We've all had a first love that we left behind ages ago. It's time to let him go and start building your self esteem or you will be stuck in self pity. Edited February 14, 2020 by stillafool 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 4 hours ago, preraph said: Never wait around for someone to tell you they don't like you twice. I agree. When someone's saying 'I don't love you' don't stick around to find out 'how much?'! OP, I know it's hard honey but this can't possibly work. 17 minutes ago, Annamarie1 said: I hate the fact that he was so lovely in the beginning. Yes, you may want to read up on Narcissist Personality Disorder. And please don't think you can fix it! That's why it's called a personality disorder. At the least this man has anger management and boundary issues but well it took me a long time to leave my marriage and make myself happy and safe, and even then I probably wouldn't have done if my son wasn't in the equation. You don't have to waste two decades like i did is what I'm saying! Made me a great social worker by the way, not such a great overall life choice though! (((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Toxic addiction to pain. Save yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 3 hours ago, Annamarie1 said: I'm so depressed. I feel so lonely. I'm on a difficult time of my life and I don't have anyone to talk to. And all he does is just leave me and accuse me for everything Let him go and fill the void in your life some other way. And if it's become clinical depression for you get counselling; I was not able to tolerate any of the medications once I lived a holistic life but honestly, the advice from doctors about mental illness was good on the whole. They did teach me how to manage it on the whole. Medicine isn't a perfect science yet. And maybe the medications will improve if we ever stop thinking money is more important than people and lives and develop new meds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Annamarie1 Posted February 14, 2020 Author Share Posted February 14, 2020 6 minutes ago, Ellener said: I agree. When someone's saying 'I don't love you' don't stick around to find out 'how much?'! OP, I know it's hard honey but this can't possibly work. Yes, you may want to read up on Narcissist Personality Disorder. And please don't think you can fix it! That's why it's called a personality disorder. At the least this man has anger management and boundary issues but well it took me a long time to leave my marriage and make myself happy and safe, and even then I probably wouldn't have done if my son wasn't in the equation. You don't have to waste two decades like i did is what I'm saying! Made me a great social worker by the way, not such a great overall life choice though! (((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))) I have read about Narcissist Personality Disorder, about abusive relationship. A lot, and I have done that a long time ago, when i saw the first signs. He does accept himself that he has personality disorders. The problem is, I know that it is wrong sticking with him. I have known that months ago. I know that a strong woman would never accept to be treated like that. And I also know that if someone else would be in my place, I would have told her to leave him. I know that my parents wouldn't be proud of ne for tolerating such behaviours. But I find it hard to move on. I feel like I'm going to miss him all the time. All the memories we had together, laughters and how happy we both were.... These make me feel even worse, like I will never be able to forget him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 6 minutes ago, Annamarie1 said: I know that a strong woman would never accept to be treated like that. And you are a strong woman. It took me a long time to accept I was. But I still am! Love yourself. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 On 2/13/2020 at 6:00 PM, Annamarie1 said: I think i need counseling. I'm hurting myself while loving him. I'm going to miss though how proud he was of me and how he showed the others that he was happy to be with me Counselling is a very good idea. You need to learn how to be this for yourself. 💕 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts