Am I Being Abused or Am I Really the Problem?

[DragonzRoost]

I think I could ask this repetitively and still feel fogged by the kindness he shows me. At times I feel like it is just the past and that I should let those memories go, but then at random he will say hurtful things. His Mother is currently in the process of helping him purchase his first house and I have been preparing an emergency plan (In case) I have to leave. I do not have supportive or healthy Family I can run to.  I'm not clear if I am just being over dramatic, exaggerating or if he really is verbally/emotionally and in the past to some extent, physically abusive. There are many times where he is sweet, nice and we have many positive moments as a couple, but then there are things he has done that have chipped away at my trust for him.

I am going to give a sum of the things he has done to me in the past.

1) He use to call me stupid, dumb, moron, retarded, piece of s***, piece of garbage when angry out of random, when he couldn't control his rage.

2) He would make me feel as though I was walking on egg shells emotionally with him, through his random mood swings and  constant questions for where things are or complaining about needless things in general. (Example: whether his boxers are clean or dirty)

3) He would treat me badly in front of his Mother, to which his Mother had to step in several times to break up our fights or correct him on his behavior. She would tell me (She doesn't speak English well) "Punch him.." jokingly, not hard. Still it would bother me.

4) He will say hurtful things at random times during our conversations, if I try to say something sweet or if there is an event that has been positive for the most part.

5) He has yelled at me in public or degraded me in front of others, acted like a child. (He doesn't do this anymore), has called me a drama queen in public when I had difficulty walking on a badly twisted foot during a trip. (Turned out to be fractured)

 

• Example: If I say something sweet like "I feel like we are soulmates, its pretty sweet." He will follow up with "Yeah I don't think so....." We will both grow silent and he will say "I'm just kidding, you are too sensitive."
• Example: Going out to eat dinner (Random fast food) and I mentioned attending my Families holiday party (Family is not great, but its the only one I have) he will say "Your Family does not love you!"
• Example: Wearing a top I just purchased and he laughs under his breath, asking me if I am going to wear that. When I say yes, he says "That looks so weird.." When I respond "Why do I feel like I want to take back a top I previously loved and not want to attend this party?" He responds "Good, don't go!"
• When we have verbally fought between the two of us so bad he has kicked my doll (I created) so hard he dislocated the head. Has lightly shoved me into kitchen drawers. When I mention stepping out or wanting to leave during a fight he will block the door, force it shut or grab me by my wrists pulling me back. (He doesn't do this anymore)
• When he asked me to find a lawyer and I found one and he was incredibly professional. After meeting him in his office, my Husband stormed off in front of me in the City, refusing to talk to me and once we got in the car started to yell at me saying "He did not do anything, prepare any documents or anything! f***ing useless! I will never trust you ever again!" blah blah.. I heard this the entire car ride home and cried. It remained like this for a solid one and a half weeks of constant up and down fighting. I sat down and mentioned that we needed to go to counseling, but he refused or says okay, but never makes plans to invest and go. 
• When our hearing was scheduled, I answered a question wrong that he tried to teach me in the car out of being nervous. The lawyer put his arm around me and said it was okay, that I did good. Husband rubbed my back and half hugged me. As we were walking to the car and he got in my back got cold and I was afraid to get in the car, once I got in he started yelling at me about how I answered the question wrong and did the same thing as the previous time with the lawyer. Started yelling at me and made my week miserable. (Turned out we won the case)
• He has flipped out with his OCD about anything being on his side of the bed, has flipped about his study book missing and when he found it in my bin (He must of left it there being that the bin was close to his computer desk) he started to push me out of the way and yelled at me for it being in the bin. 
• He has made me choose between my Family or him and both seem scary to choose between, because both have shown to be possibly toxic.

 

Since this has all happened, he has changed in not being physical anymore and doesn't yell at all often, unless he is in an online game. My trust to start a Family with him is next to nothing and I am scared of what my future will hold, should we ever have children. (Which I haven't had sex with him and don't plan to without a condom and birth control.) We don't anyways..When I have told my Grandmother about some of the above, she mentions how she knows what it is like to be in an abusive relationship because she was in one. (My Grandmother is fairly young) Yet she offers nothing of support and has made it clear that she does not want me living with my Family. (No support there) Currently I have been planning my way of escape and living on my own. (Because my job doesn't pay enough for me to support just myself) I have thought about using what I can get to have a leg up to at least get out, should I have to leave. I still love him regardless very much and am not sure what to believe. I am fogged by the kindness he does show me for the majority, the cuddles, the memories and everything. He mentioned how I only focus on the negative and how the past is the past and how I should let those things go, but to be honest they are left some emotional scars that never have quite faded. I have greatly considered enrolling myself into self counseling services and trying to lift the fog to see what this really is..but it is incredibly difficult. We have both agreed to attend counseling together, which I plan to set up the sessions for. 

 

Question: How do I leave a marriage that I am still attached to and if I still deeply love him? What are ways I can truly show myself what he does or has done to me? Please help..

Edited February 11, 2020 by DragonzRoost

[preraph]

Just because someone CAN be nice doesn't mean they aren't abusive.  Most people aren't mean all the time, but they are still abusive if they treat you like that.  There is NO justification for someone to treat you like he does, no matter what.  You need to get out.  

[crazycanuck86]

Yes he's an abuser; get out now

[sweetgirl75]

He is abusive. You need to get out and get out now while you have a chance. I am a domestic abuse survivor. You  say you love him but do you really want to be with someone that puts you down and makes you feel like crap? This one man I was with put his hands on my neck and tried to strangle me. That was the last straw. I didn't care if I still  had feelings or not. My life mattered more at that time. I needed to get out and start a new life for myself. I was at my lowest point. I hated the way he made me feel about myself. He threatened my families lives while they slept with a shotgun if I left him. I stayed with him over a year to protect my family enduring punches, slaps, busted lips, etc.  I knew I deserved better. Everything was always my fault too. He never took the blame for his behavior. You are not exaggerating any abuse here. He is abusive. If you have a family emergency shelter I would go there immediately. 

[d0nnivain]

On 2/11/2020 at 2:42 PM, DragonzRoost said:

 How do I leave a marriage that I am still attached to and if I still deeply love him? What are ways I can truly show myself what he does or has done to me? Please help..

You are being abused but you are part of the problem because you continually make excuses for him & never had good boundaries. 

There was a line in your post about his mother helping HIM buy HIS first house.  If you are married, it would be your house too.  You better make darn sure your name is on the deed if you are foolish enough to stay. 

You leave the marriage by creating a plan to live alone.  You lived alone before you married him.  You can do it again.  Step 1:  get a job.  Yes, I know you are in school but lots of people work & go to school.  It just may take longer to get a degree.  

To see what he's done, perhaps you can get a video of him berating you.  Another option is to read what you wrote.  Loving partners do not belittle each other, they don't call their spouse dumb, they aren't violent.   Another technique is to put yourself in the role of confidante.  If a girlfriend came to you & told you the story you just recounted to us, what advice would you give her?  You stay because you are scared of change.  You keep posting the same problems.  You know this marriage is messed up but you are afraid to walk away.  

[vla1120]

On 2/11/2020 at 2:42 PM, DragonzRoost said:

Question: How do I leave a marriage that I am still attached to and if I still deeply love him? What are ways I can truly show myself what he does or has done to me? Please help.

These are the things that helped me leave a controlling, abusive relationship:

1. Keep a journal. Write down every insult, every verbal attack, every unreasonable reaction from him. When you go back and read this history, it will be a reminder of why you need to take action - now.

2. (And I cannot stress this enough) Get individual counseling. If you do not have insurance and/or cannot afford therapy, look for resources in your community (women's advocacy groups and/or shelters, etc.) They will be able to help you.

3. Do not minimize his behavior, threats, make excuses for him, etc. 

4. How serious the situation is and how badly you need to remove yourself can be measured by his reaction when you stand up to him and defend yourself. I was someone who had my own income, was very independent, and yet I allowed myself to be influenced and controlled by him. When I stood my ground, that's when he threatened to get a gun and shoot me if I didn't do things the way he wanted. That was a clear indication that I needed to get out ASAP. 

5. It does not sound like you have a support system, if not family, do you have friends? If not, look for those resources in your community. A women's shelter CAN help you and provide you with other resources (counseling, protection from abuse orders, if they become necessary, etc.)

Like I said, I consider myself a strong, independent woman and I thought I could "handle" his behavior and tactics. Instead, I found myself in weekly therapy for over 5 years, trying to navigate the situation and still come out with my sanity intact. 

[DragonzRoost]

On 2/24/2020 at 8:49 AM, d0nnivain said:

 

To see what he's done, perhaps you can get a video of him berating you.  

I did this before getting a video of him doing this, but he found the videos and forced me to delete it in front of him. He caught me twice doing this. Telling me I ruined his trust in me. Honestly the situation just keeps spiraling and I feel like I am just hitting rocks on the way down. If its not this, its that, if I get a job, something comes up, gets mentioned, I end up stressing out and we fight. It is a constant go around with everything and I am trying very hard to move out of the fog and into reality of the situation. It just hurts horribly, as its like mourning over a death I do not want to face. Its even worse when the wedding dress sits up in the closet, he wedding ring sits in the lock box, and our box of wedding stuff and life we brought with us. Even more difficult when he comes home and sleeps right next to me or when we do have good times. Its hard, yet I don't want to be the fool that goes years in and comes out wasting everything.

Edited February 28, 2020 by DragonzRoost

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 2/11/2020 at 11:42 AM, DragonzRoost said:

I haven't had sex with him

 

Question: How do I leave a marriage that I am still attached to and if I still deeply love him? What are ways I can truly show myself what he does or has done to me? Please help..

 

Maybe you should rewind and somehow explain how you are in this marriage when you've not had sex with "him".

 

I don't get it.

 

 

[Gaeta]

I could not read past 5) as it brought back bad memories of my own abuse. You need to leave, call a women's shelter ask for a police escort, leave and never look back. Once at the women's shelter they will help you set up an apartment and find a job and  offer you all the support you need.