JamesisMe Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Hello, I may come across as rude or selfish in this post, but I truthfully wanna work on my issue. I've been with my girlfriend for about 6 years and living with her for about 2 years. We're both 26. We've only really dated and been intimate with each other. Lately we've been talking about marriage and though I want to be ready, I feel so nervous about it. I know that's normal, but she seems more excited about it and I wish I felt the same way. I love being with her and I believe we compliment each other very well. I would say our only big issue is that I want kids maybe 4-5 years from now and she's trying to have them asap. We did discuss this and she said she'd be willing to hold off as long we're moving in that direction. Anyways, I know it's my personalty to feel uncertain with things and I have a hard time with change. It's something I dislike about myself as it prevents me from going after what I want in life(career, hobbies, etc). I dont want this to be the reason I lose someone important to me, but I also want to feel that genuine excitement too. She's talked about putting a timeline for herself on when she feels she needs to walk away and I think that's fair. All this thinking makes me anxious constantly. Whenever I start to feel confident I get these negative thoughts like, "You've never really been with anyone else so how do you know she's the one?" or "After you get married you'll be stuck." I scratch this up to being nervous and my brains way of keeping things where they're at. Has anyone else experience this before? Any advice on how I could get more comfortable with marriage or just with change in general? Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 If you aren't ready for marriage and kids, then you are not ready. If she wants to leave, let her. I think you should go "sow some wild oats", go have fun, that is what your youth is for. Don't be bullied into making major life changes/decisions like marriage and kids. You are only 26, there is plenty of time to settle down and have kids (if that is truly what you want). I was a little younger than you are when a woman I was dating gave me an ultimatum of marriage or leave, I left. This same woman is now on her 3rd or 4th marriage, I've lost count at this point. For the record, I'm 54 (male) and I'm still not ready for marriage. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 I don't think there's any right or wrong way for you to feel about this - don't do it just because she wants it (this goes both for marriage and ESPECIALLY for kids, which is irreversible). The only issue that I see in your situation is that you have been dating for 6 years - in general most people do start talking about marriage by that point, so I think your gf's thoughts are not unreasonable either. If you know that there will be a specific point when you might feel more ready, then you could talk to her about that. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 So you have no trouble enjoying wife "benefits" such as her love, companionship, faithfulness, intimacy, help with expenses and chores, etc...BUT giving her the security of a commitment is too much? You are holding her back from a man out there who would GLADLY give her what she deserves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 (edited) @JamesisMe I'd like to recommend a book to you... "The Wild Oats Project" by Robin Rinaldi It's written by a woman, but her journey could easy apply to both sexes. It was a great read and very informative. I'm sure you can pick it up used for cheap, abebooks.com or ebay. Edited February 7, 2020 by Happy Lemming Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Women are typically more interested in marriage than men. Men tend to want things to stay the same. I think it's normal, don't worry about it. I do think it's great that are you willing! Congrats! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Marriage is a commitment. You have been programed to think that it's overwhelming. It is big step but you have been committed to your GF for 6 years. It's not an unsurmountable leap. I find being marriage calming. It's stabilizing force. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Marriage is not a requirement. Its a very important decision, not to be taken lightly. Its a lifetime commitment. If you feel as negative as you seem to, then its not for you...at this time. You may never want to get married...or you may feel next year that you are ready and want to. But dont force a decision on it; its a shortcut to disaster. You actually have perfectly valid reasons for not being comfortable about getting married. You arent the only one who has ever felt this way. Dont force a decision on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I think it's common that young men are scared of marriage. I think it's also common that once they take the plunge men are the ones who want to hold on to the marriage if there is trouble. They find out they like the security and stability it provides. Women are more likely to seek marriage, but then they are also more likely to be the ones to seek divorce. That being said, don't be pushed into marriage. You have to come to the point of seeing it as a positive thing for both of you. A little uneasiness at the thought is normal, but if it goes beyond that you should definitely not get married. Six years together is a long time so it's completely reasonable for your girlfriend to want to know if you're truly committed since she wants to have children. Keep talking about things and maybe/hopefully you'll reach a compromise on how to move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I am saying this as a happily married man who hopes to never be divorced but men should have a healthy fear of marriage. Do you really think single men don't see current marriage and divorce trends and think about how they might avoid that fate? Men who think like this more often than not will be willing to tie the knot when they meet a woman worth that kind of commitment but they won't marry the first woman who smiles at him which is a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I was married for 4 years from '93 to '97. It was a nightmare. Wouldn't recommend it to any man Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 7 hours ago, alphamale said: I was married for 4 years from '93 to '97. It was a nightmare. Can you provide any details?? How long did you date before getting engaged?? How did your relationship change once you were married?? What do you think went wrong?? I think the OP may benefit from reading more from you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 I am not hearing the most important like you're in love with her and you love her. Loving being with her isn't the same as being in love. You've been dating since you're 20 years old, there is a world apart between 20 and 26. You're changing and maturing. Because I am not hearing this *I love her more than anything and cannot imagine my life without her* I think it's time to let her go. You're comfortable with her, she feels safe, but you don't feel the love required to commit to her for life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I’m a woman and I wasn’t ready to be married to my then BF for 8 years. He asked me after one year if we could become engaged and I wanted to wait. It isn’t only men who don’t necessarily want to get married on a certain timeline. You should only get married when you are truly ready and not a moment before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) You've been committed to her for 6 years, so it's not like you have a fear of "commitment". You do need to start thinking about whether she's someone you can grow old with, or if you're in it for its comforts. You're still fairly young, but it's totally reasonable for her to expect the talk of marriage after 6 years together. If you're not ready or not at the same page, you need to let her know (and maybe let each other go) so you don't waste any more of her time. She could be with someone who's on the same page with marriage and kids. However, it sounds like she is willing to work with you on the latter. It's normal to be fearful of marriage because it's a huge commitment. If you're not ready, you're not ready. You can't force it. It'd be worse to get married when you're not ready. Do you feel that you both highly compatible for each other? (That's a big one for a long term success of a marriage). Edited February 17, 2020 by spiritedaway2003 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamesisMe Posted February 26, 2020 Author Share Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread! There was a lot of great input and things that made me feel more normal with my thoughts. Some feel I'm being selfish and I understand that, I am trying to understand why I feel this way so I can fix the problem. Even if things didn't work out with her, I dont want it to be a pattern with future relationships. I also know some people feel very negative about marriage and while I understand it, I dont want to live in fear of something that could be beautiful and fulfilling. I decided to go see a therapist and work on my mindset a bit. I noticed the last few years have blurred together because I do the same thing everyday: wake up, go to work, go to the gym, errands/chores, cook dinner and spend time with my girlfriend. None are bad things, but I dont like my job yet I'm too scared to leave as I'm comfortable. I haven't started hobbies I've been interested in cause what if i suck? I feel I'm scared of change and I dont want that to control my life, so I'll see if a therapist can maybe help me tackle this fear. Maybe it'll help with my marriage fears as I'm so comfortable with how things are and I dont want them to change. Thanks again for the advice everyone Edited February 26, 2020 by JamesisMe Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 I heard a billion bad stories about marriage and no relationship in my family ever worked out long term. But every bone in my body still longed to marry my wife and spend my life with her. And I love our marriage. I love re-seducing her every day we're together. The intimacy we gained by fully embracing that we're it for each other is nothing to be scared of. You almost seem like you're a little depressed James. Like you're afraid of challenge or responsibility. You're right that it's no way to live life as a man Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 3, 2020 Share Posted March 3, 2020 Marriage when done right is a wonderful thing but so few people do it right. If you can find somebody who knows how to do it right with you it is truly a blessing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 8, 2020 Share Posted March 8, 2020 (edited) On 2/26/2020 at 6:28 PM, JamesisMe said: Thank you to everyone who replied to this thread! There was a lot of great input and things that made me feel more normal with my thoughts. Some feel I'm being selfish and I understand that, I am trying to understand why I feel this way so I can fix the problem. Even if things didn't work out with her, I dont want it to be a pattern with future relationships. I also know some people feel very negative about marriage and while I understand it, I dont want to live in fear of something that could be beautiful and fulfilling. I decided to go see a therapist and work on my mindset a bit. I noticed the last few years have blurred together because I do the same thing everyday: wake up, go to work, go to the gym, errands/chores, cook dinner and spend time with my girlfriend. None are bad things, but I dont like my job yet I'm too scared to leave as I'm comfortable. I haven't started hobbies I've been interested in cause what if i suck? I feel I'm scared of change and I dont want that to control my life, so I'll see if a therapist can maybe help me tackle this fear. Maybe it'll help with my marriage fears as I'm so comfortable with how things are and I dont want them to change. Thanks again for the advice everyone OP this seems like a constructive approach and I'm glad you're trying to understand this aspect of yourself better. I do find myself wondering whether what you're really afraid of isn't so much getting married as it is breaking up. You say you're staying in a job you don't like bc you're too scared to leave, haven't embarked on certain new hobbies out of fear of failure, and are well aware that big changes frighten you. So...it sure sounds like getting married isn't necessarily the biggest change-related fear you've got going on here, and that you've perhaps not let yourself really consider breaking up as an option, out of that fear. I also think it's good that your GF is opening up this discussion with you. She likely knows you well enough to wonder about what's really going on at this point, and of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with her stating her needs so clearly. And she's allowed to leave if it becomes clear that you aren't going to really want those things with her. There's no blame attached to anyone in this scenario. The important thing is for you to be honest with one another, and with yourselves. So I truly wish you good luck in figuring it out. Edited March 8, 2020 by serial muse Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 On 2/8/2020 at 11:47 AM, alphamale said: I was married for 4 years from '93 to '97. It was a nightmare. Wouldn't recommend it to any man Does your lack of enthusiasm cover marriage in general, or just cohabitation with your ex in particular 🤔 ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 9 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: Does your lack of enthusiasm cover marriage in general, or just cohabitation with your ex in particular 🤔 ? Mr. Lucky marriage in general Link to post Share on other sites
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