Had an affair for over 4 years

[guiltstricken]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But it is killing you.
Leave her alone.is my advice.
You are never going to heal otherwise.
You will just keep picking at the scab.

Yes. I think that is the right thing for me to do.

Thank you.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is a lot easier to get over someone when the negatives outnumber the positives

You on the other hand are going back to the lonely existence you lived before you met her, and that is no fun whatsoever for you.

Very true. By maintaining contact, you are holding her back from being able to move on and create a different life for herself, one in which her needs may be met in ways that you haven’t been able to do.

You can’t stay friends with this woman. You are not friends, you are former affair partners who have shared feelings and had an intimate relationship.

Let’s say that she does meet another man and she finds herself a good relationship - her new boyfriend is not going to want an old affair partner sticking around under the guise of “friend.” Nor would your wife ever agree for you to maintain an ongoing friendship with your former other woman.

It’s just reality, try as you might you can’t spin it any other way...

Edited February 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[guiltstricken]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Very true. By maintaining contact, you are holding her back from being able to move on and create a different life for herself, one in which her needs may be met in ways that you haven’t been able to do.

You can’t stay friends with this woman. You are not friends, you are former affair partners who have shared feelings and had an intimate relationship.

Let’s say that she does meet another man and she finds herself a good relationship - her new boyfriend is not going to want an old affair partner sticking around under the guise of “friend.” Nor would your wife ever agree for you to maintain an ongoing friendship with your former other woman.

It’s just reality, try as you might you can’t spin it any other way...

I agree. That thought was and is in my head but my selfish mind needed to hear that from other people. Thank you

[BreakOnThrough]

As long as you remain in contact with the OW, you will never move on, or even progress towards something better for yourself.  You wife aside, don't YOU feel you are worth more than to be what the affair has made you to be?  This situation is not very dignified, or else you would not be hiding its presence, that must be an awful position to be in.  Until you live honestly, the toll will continue to rise.

[guiltstricken]

22 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

As long as you remain in contact with the OW, you will never move on, or even progress towards something better for yourself.  You wife aside, don't YOU feel you are worth more than to be what the affair has made you to be?  This situation is not very dignified, or else you would not be hiding its presence, that must be an awful position to be in.  Until you live honestly, the toll will continue to rise.

Thank you for your thoughts. 
You are right. It is an awful position. What hurts a lot is this is all my wrong-doing, and it’s to a point where I feel even more guilty when I try to get help or support or emotionally console myself. Part of me wants all that, and part of me yells at me inside saying I don’t deserve any of that.

[notmyfinestmoment]

It sounds like you and the OW decided you should not continue the relationship (not sure if it was just because you were moving or if it was because she wanted more and you couldn't give it to her or perhaps it just ran it's course??).  

I agree with others in that if you want a fresh start in mending your marriage, NC is best.   It is very hard to move on when you are still in contact because the connection is still alive and well, even if you aren't seeing each other any more.  Point in check, if you weren't talking to her anymore, you wouldn't know how she is moving forward.   You wouldn't have the added pain in thinking she got over you (which is not likely, you were together 4 years, but she is probably trying to move on with her life since the idea of you two together is no longer an option).  Affairs are never easy to get over, from any angle.  Some will say that you will always think of her, but it won't be the same intensity as it is now (from what I have read).   I am a former OW and as much as NC hurts (I miss him everyday), I know if his situation wasn't going to change, I couldn't continue being his friend because it hurts too much (and that is one of the things I miss most about him, how we could talk about anything).  

I think you really need to think about whether or not you really want to stay in your marriage.  Maybe this time apart from the OW (if you go onto NC) will give you some perspective.   In talking to someone (even if it isn't a therapist), it might give you some insight.   Four years is a long time to invest in an affair and those feelings don't go away overnight.  Coming clean with your wife may be the catalyst to making your marriage stronger, or it could go the other way and she leaves.  In either case, I think it will set you free if you are honest..to her, to yourself (living an authentic life).   You seem like you are really genuine in that you know how this whole situation is hurtful to everyone....and you never set out to hurt anyone.  These boards are filled with people who never meant to go down this path, but before you know it, the situation takes on a life of it's own. 

Hang in there...and keep posting.  It does help!   

Edited February 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiritedaway2003]

1 hour ago, guiltstricken said:

Thank you for your thoughts. 
You are right. It is an awful position. What hurts a lot is this is all my wrong-doing, and it’s to a point where I feel even more guilty when I try to get help or support or emotionally console myself. Part of me wants all that, and part of me yells at me inside saying I don’t deserve any of that.

IMHO, even if it is your wrong-doing, no one is beyond help.  Getting help won't relieve you of the guilt nor or undo the damages, but you can talk things out.  Regardless of how things end up for you and your marriage, dwelling on the self-blame and keeping yourself in the same place won't do you any good.

Since you're currently still talking to your AP, it doesn't hurt to let her know that you plan to go NC (if that is your plan).  You're hardly through the hardest parts -- the confession hadn't happened and your AP is tiding you over right now with (some) contact.  You have a lot in store for you.  Good luck.

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, guiltstricken said:

... I realize that I am the one trying to hold onto her. I think about her all the time. Whatever I eat, I wish I could share with her. Wherever I go, I think of her. 

We still text and talk in daily basis ... I do find comfort talking to her. 

I feel like in order for me to move on and not think of her all the time, I need to completely block all communication with her. But there’s something inside me that still wants to be a part of her life, even if I’m not her lover. I feel like I can still be a good friend for her, and that I want to hold onto her by being her friend.

It’s killing me inside and I am thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.

It sounds like you may have limerence for her. Take a look at the link (below) and see if you agree. 

IF you do, be aware that it's involuntary and takes on a life of it's own. It will probably last several months and maybe up to a few years.

If you get beaten down by it and want to try to shut it off, making contact completely impossible might have that effect.

It sounds like you've decided to tell your wife about the affair. Although I don't advocate either way, that's a reasonable personal decision. You should, however, be fully prepared for a divorce as that is one possible outcome. That includes talking to a lawyer as to what a probable outcome might look like. While divorce isn't guaranteed, you want to know what you're getting into IMO.

Here's the limerence link:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[guiltstricken]

3 hours ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

Sigh...   I'm sorry OP, you came here for advice and the usual suspects show up for the beat down....every....single....time.    Sometimes, they are BS's, so keep that in mind when reading their responses.  For some, this is black and white...but if that were the case, if it were that easy, this forum wouldn't exist.  Back to why you came here, which was not for condemnation of your situation, more so how to move forward.   

It sounds like you and the OW decided you should not continue the relationship (not sure if it was just because you were moving or if it was because she wanted more and you couldn't give it to her or perhaps it just ran it's course??).  

I agree with others in that if you want a fresh start in mending your marriage, NC is best.   It is very hard to move on when you are still in contact because the connection is still alive and well, even if you aren't seeing each other any more.  Point in check, if you weren't talking to her anymore, you wouldn't know how she is moving forward.   You wouldn't have the added pain in thinking she got over you (which is not likely, you were together 4 years, but she is probably trying to move on with her life since the idea of you two together is no longer an option).  Affairs are never easy to get over, from any angle.  Some will say that you will always think of her, but it won't be the same intensity as it is now (from what I have read).   I am a former OW and as much as NC hurts (I miss him everyday), I know if his situation wasn't going to change, I couldn't continue being his friend because it hurts too much (and that is one of the things I miss most about him, how we could talk about anything).  

I think you really need to think about whether or not you really want to stay in your marriage.  Maybe this time apart from the OW (if you go onto NC) will give you some perspective.   In talking to someone (even if it isn't a therapist), it might give you some insight.   Four years is a long time to invest in an affair and those feelings don't go away overnight.  Coming clean with your wife may be the catalyst to making your marriage stronger, or it could go the other way and she leaves.  In either case, I think it will set you free if you are honest..to her, to yourself (living an authentic life).   You seem like you are really genuine in that you know how this whole situation is hurtful to everyone....and you never set out to hurt anyone.  These boards are filled with people who never meant to go down this path, but before you know it, the situation takes on a life of it's own. 

Hang in there...and keep posting.  It does help!   

Thank you your words of advice and thoughts they mean a lot to me.

Mistress and I decided to not be in relationship anymore because as I’ve mentioned I was moving away. That was the catalyst. We knew that we needed to end the relationship some time, we just couldn’t do it. She loved me a lot but she thought that I would never leave my wife. And I didn’t. And mistress she has every right to break up with me and find her own life, another boyfriend etc. I just feel like if I give her a cold shoulder from now on I’ll be a worse person. This is how I feel emotionally now. More objectively, yes I do think I would need to stop contacting her.
 

[guiltstricken]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like you may have limerence for her. Take a look at the link (below) and see if you agree. 

IF you do, be aware that it's involuntary and takes on a life of it's own. It will probably last several months and maybe up to a few years.

If you get beaten down by it and want to try to shut it off, making contact completely impossible might have that effect.

It sounds like you've decided to tell your wife about the affair. Although I don't advocate either way, that's a reasonable personal decision. You should, however, be fully prepared for a divorce as that is one possible outcome. That includes talking to a lawyer as to what a probable outcome might look like. While divorce isn't guaranteed, you want to know what you're getting into IMO.

Here's the limerence link:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Thank you for your thoughts and insights. 
While I doubt I now have an objective ability to evaluate myself, there are many things that do line up with the word, especially about not paying too much attention about reciprocity.

Also thank you for telling me to prepare on divorce if that ever happens.

[oldtruck]

16 hours ago, guiltstricken said:

Thank you your words of advice and thoughts they mean a lot to me.

Mistress and I decided to not be in relationship anymore because as I’ve mentioned I was moving away. That was the catalyst. We knew that we needed to end the relationship some time, we just couldn’t do it. She loved me a lot but she thought that I would never leave my wife. And I didn’t. And mistress she has every right to break up with me and find her own life, another boyfriend etc. I just feel like if I give her a cold shoulder from now on I’ll be a worse person. This is how I feel emotionally now. More objectively, yes I do think I would need to stop contacting her.
 

false justification to not go NC with the OW

[guiltstricken]

2 hours ago, oldtruck said:

false justification to not go NC with the OW

Correct

[pepperbird]

On 2/5/2020 at 2:30 PM, guiltstricken said:

Thank you. It wasn’t harsh. Two of the things that you mentioned that I really need to do is soul searching and starting to make decisions. There are no rationalizations. I have made bad choices and yes, I do need to own up.

have you found it hard to make relationship related decisions in the past? Have you just sort of floated along, or were you able to be firm?

[guiltstricken]

11 hours ago, pepperbird said:

have you found it hard to make relationship related decisions in the past? Have you just sort of floated along, or were you able to be firm?

Thinking about it, I feel like I did have problem letting go of the relationships I had in the past. I can say I was never a firm guy

[SummerDreams]

Why don't you divorce your wife to be with the woman you love?

[pepperbird]

17 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

Why don't you divorce your wife to be with the woman you love?

My guess? because life isn't a Disney movie.

[SummerDreams]

55 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

My guess? because life isn't a Disney movie.

Because divorces are so rare nowadays, yeah you are right. 🤔

[Fletch Lives]

Counseling is a good idea, as is posting here. 

Whatever you do, don't tell your wife - it could only hurt or possibly destroy your marriage, but not help it. Tell your counselor about it, or talk here instead.

[pepperbird]

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Counseling is a good idea, as is posting here. 

Whatever you do, don't tell your wife - it could only hurt or possibly destroy your marriage, but not help it. Tell your counselor about it, or talk here instead.

Unless a dalliance was a one  night stand, this may well come back to bite you.  If my husband hadn't told me himself, I would have left him. That would have been the ultimate kick in the ass. In your case, it would be saying "Hey, I just kicked you in the teeth for the past x number of years, and even worse, I didn't even respect you enough to tell you about it. I don;t value you enough to give you the information you need to make decisions about your life. My need to have  a safe place to land is more important".

Advice not to tell. IME, is always about protecting the cheating spouse. It's never about protecting the BS , family or marriage. that ship has already sailed.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Advice not to tell. IME, is always about protecting the cheating spouse. It's never about protecting the BS , family or marriage. that ship has already sailed.

While I respect your view, this is a decker cube that one could see either way, ie, not telling protects the marriage if an affair is engaged in. It's also somewhat dependent on the specifics of the situation.

The WS is doing something that damages the marriage, completely true. But the damage may be less (possibly significantly less, depending on the specifics of the marriage and of the affair) if the affair is never discovered.  Not telling can protect the marriage from additional damage. (It does of course, protect the WS too - that is absolutely correct.)

Of course, WS taking a risk that the affair would be discovered, which would cause even more damage to the marriage.

One could also argue, in some cases, that telling is a selfish act on the part of the WS to protect themselves from feelings of guilt while causing additional damage to the marriage.

So, I certainly don't see this a cut and dried (although some folks do). It is certainly true that never having an affair in the first place is best - no "protecting" required.

[Amethyst68]

I've yet to see a BS say don't tell, the advice to keep an affair secret always seems to come from those who have cheated themselves in some way.

[S2B]

Divorce your wife - the one you haven’t thought about at all.

 

then you can be with the OW all you want.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

I've yet to see a BS say don't tell, the advice to keep an affair secret always seems to come from those who have cheated themselves in some way.

A fair point, Amethyst

[notmyfinestmoment]

There are a lot of different angles to this.   

As a wife (I was one once), I would want to know.   But I also have a friend who is a BS and sometimes she wishes she didn't know because she can't ever forget it.  They stayed together, but it has changed the landscape of their marriage forever.

But, the other side is telling her is going to bring her a lot of pain and sadness and even if you do work it out, the pain is always still there (see above).  And I'm sure you feel like she doesn't deserve that.  Yes, of course (for the crowd playing at home), we already know the thought of "well if he didn't want to hurt her, he should have never had an affair".   BUT, that doesn't help the OP right now.  He is trying to figure out the right way to move forward.  

I think first you need to look into why you had an affair to begin with and what kind of affair this was (there are 7 different kinds).  Then decide if you want to save your marriage.  If you aren't interested in continuing on with your Wife, then I don't think it is necessary to tell her about the affair (that will add unnecessary hurt to and already hurtful situation).  I think if you are going to try to work things out, you need to be authentic and tell her the truth, for both of you.  It will be ground zero and some marriages do come out stronger, but others don't recover.  Let the proverbial chips fall where they may.  At least you were honest and no one is living a lie.  

As for your AP, it was 4 years...that is a long time and I'm sure you miss her presence in your life.   You are going to have to go through the grieving process and it will take some time (months).  Have a conversation with her before you go NC so she know that is happening.   

[oldtruck]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

While I respect your view, this is a decker cube that one could see either way, ie, not telling protects the marriage if an affair is engaged in. It's also somewhat dependent on the specifics of the situation.

The WS is doing something that damages the marriage, completely true. But the damage may be less (possibly significantly less, depending on the specifics of the marriage and of the affair) if the affair is never discovered.  Not telling can protect the marriage from additional damage. (It does of course, protect the WS too - that is absolutely correct.)

Of course, WS taking a risk that the affair would be discovered, which would cause even more damage to the marriage.

One could also argue, in some cases, that telling is a selfish act on the part of the WS to protect themselves from feelings of guilt while causing additional damage to the marriage.

So, I certainly don't see this a cut and dried (although some folks do). It is certainly true that never having an affair in the first place is best - no "protecting" required.

when the WW does not confess she cannot make amends to her BH

when if the BH finds out about the affair years later, example twenty years later it

leaves the BH to believe that his marriage and life have been based on living one

big lie. 

 

so the BH has to deal with a double crisis. dealing with the affair and dealing with living

with his life being based on a lie.

 

a secret can only be kept between two people when one of them is dead. there is no guarantee

that someone some them on a date, that the AP got guilty conscience and confessed, the

OMW found a saved piece of evidence, confronts the WH, then exposes the affair to the BH.

then what about if the WW dies 30 years later, then the BH finds out and he is denied his confrontation

with his WW.

 

The WW is brave enough to cheat she can be brave enough to confess.