He went back to his wife after a year together !

[Beca L]

Hi All,

I've been following messages on this site for a while now and decided that this forum would be the best place to get some advice and support because some of you will have been through the same experience as myself and understand what I'm going though.

Just to fill you in on my story. I am a single mum of 3 teenagers and divorced for 8 years. Over 3 years ago a colleague at work (teacher at school I work in) who I was very good friends with approached me at a staff night out and we chatted most of the evening and at the end he asked if I would like to go for coffee or a walk sometime. I knew he was married and had been for 28 years, he had 3 boys 17,21,24 and he had married at 22.

We were the same age and had a great connection, at first I was not interested but over time (many emails later) I decided to meet up. He told me he was desperately unhappy and lonely and wanted out of his marriage, I tried to give him advice and at first I wasn't interested in him but just wanted to be friends. However I was lonely and unhappy also and enjoyed the attention.

Eventually months later we started a physical relationship, within 6 weeks he left his wife and moved into a rented home. He thought his wife would accept the end of the marriage as they had not been happy for years and were living separate lives however he was so wrong.

She had a mini breakdown and threatened to turn their sons against him.(she achieved her promise) We became a couple, everyone at school knew about our relationship. We travelled together, Italy, Bruges, around the Uk etc. Two of his sons wouldn't speak to him and relations with his wife were very hostile. He began spending more and more time with me and my kids and living in my house 3/4 nights a week.

At first his wife refused to divorce him and wouldn't agree to sell the family home but eventually 8 months after he left she applied for the divorce and the house went on the market. The house sold very quickly and the closing date was set as Jan 8 2018. We looked at a house to buy together and he had an offer accepted on a property that we were planning to renovate together.

That Xmas however a year after he left her he became very depressed about the fact that he'd lost his family, only the one son was talking to him and he was very sad about that. My children didn't like him coming over to my house all the time and the fact that he was a teacher at their school also caused them to take a dislike to him. This also upset him and he realised that after xmas he was going to have to spend more time on his own in his house etc.

We were in love and happy apart from the issues with his family and my children. Then out of the blue after xmas he just went back to his wife. The house sale still went through because it was too late to stop it. I was completely devastated and heartbroken and I couldn't believe why he had gone back to a miserable marriage as he was in love with me. The last 2 years have been horrific, I still work with him and have to see him every day.

He has told me that he regrets going back and he misses me and wishes things could be different. We have had an on and off relationship over the last 2 years which I am ashamed of but I've done it because he kept promising or indicating that he will leave her again. His wife has known about some of it but she hasn't chucked him out. I know I deserve so much better and he's really not worth it but I can't forget him and the wonderful year we had together. I don't seem to be able to move on.

I feel terribly sad that he did this to me and he's now back with his family as if nothing has happened. His sons are all talking to him and they all got together this past Xmas, which really makes me mad. They have no clue that he is cheating on their mother and sending me messages that he's in love with me but can't leave her because of guilt and fear of the unknown.

I don't want to get a new job as this job is very convenient for me as I have 3 kids there and I live near the school however seeing him every day and being reminded of what he did is slowly killing me.

I still love him and feel terribly sad that he did this. Any help or advice would be greatly welcomed. Will I ever feel better?  Why do men do this to women who love them ?Thanks 

Edited February 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Ya know... HE never filed for that divorced.

he isn’t a man who takes action to change his life!

looks like he wanted and still wants an OW.

i would end it. He’s a passive man who says he’s miserable yet returns to his own misery.

and never date ANY man who doesn’t have his divorce FINALIZED!

Married men lie... this one especially - he’s full of crap.

[Beentheretoooften]

Lol.  Married men lie!   I love it. Great point there.  I’m sure she feels wonderful now that you’ve gotten that off your chest 

[Beca L]

Thanks for your response. I'm not in contact with him anymore, not for the last 6 weeks and I don't intend to either. However I am constantly bumping into him in the corridor at work and I just ignore him but it just makes the whole process of moving on all the more painful. 

You are so true,  he is a very passive man, not willing to be a participator in his own life. Happy to sit back and let everyone else make the decisions.

He is a coward and weak. I'm just sorry I ever got involved with him or fell in love. I've lost all faith in love and honesty. I will probably never trust any man again. 

[2BGoodAgain]

this might be hard, but you know him/his life better than us. you need to quantify what you gave him that his wife/life didn't...then you see what he wants that his marriage couldn't give him. you need to see his actions, NOT his words, b/c words are cheap, and actions are... more permanent and telling.

THEN you'll see what he truly wants.

From my brief observance, he doesn't want a life with you, he wants an affair to supplement his current life. You need to understand that when someone is in a relationship they're not happy about, but not willing to leave it... they seek outside to supplement staying in their current relationship. This may be hurtful, but he doesn't love you. He's attracted to the greener side of the fence, b/c he isn't truly happy with his marriage... but he doesn't love you. He loves what you let him get away with, he loves whatever physical/emotional needs you meet, but it isn't the actual person. 

I'm not saying he's evil, or anything... he may truly think he feels love to you, but he loves how you make him feel... he doesn't love you. B/c when you love someone, you think about their needs before your own. He's only thinking about HIS needs, HIS wants, HIS desires... not yours. The others above are right, he's just looking for the OW, not you specifically.

he wants you b/c you let him. replace you with someone else, who'd do the same thing and he'd jump that chance too.

time to value yourself, your children, your heart.... and move on.

it sucks you work with him, but honestly, if it was THAT painful, you'd find another place to work. it isn't fair, but if you truly wanted change, you'd find a way.

And honestly, if he doesn't stop contacting you, i'd tell his wife, his kids, etc... protect yourself, value yourself, move on....

[Beca L]

Thanks 2BGoodagain, everything you said makes total sense. The hardest thing for me to overcome is the fact that he kept telling me he was in love with me and that he thought about me all the time yet his actions were the complete opposite, it just didn't make any sense. I see now that your theory is most likely true that he loves the way I make him feel not necessarily me as a person. He is a very selfish and weak person, he is very immature. He met is wife when he was very young 17 and she's about the only relationship he's had apart from me. He's 53 now and I don't think he has ever grown up, she treated him like a little boy all their married life, he could do whatever he liked and there were very few consequences. (i'm not talking about affairs just his behaviour generally)

I have been looking for another job but so far no luck. We live in a very rural area with few job opportunities so I am stuck somewhat. However I will not give up and will keep looking. I need to move on. Thanks 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, Beca L said:

The hardest thing for me to overcome is the fact that he kept telling me he was in love with me and that he thought about me all the time yet his actions were the complete opposite, it just didn't make any sense. I see now that your theory is most likely true that he loves the way I make him feel not necessarily me as a person.

And he needed to keep you on board.
What better way to keep a woman interested than to tell her he loves her.
Would you have stuck on in there if the L word had not cropped up?
 

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

He thought his wife would accept the end of the marriage as they had not been happy for years and were living separate lives however he was so wrong. She had a mini breakdown and threatened to turn their sons against him.(she achieved her promise) 

Yes, MM  in unhappy situations convince themselves their wife hates them or doesn't care,  some assume she knows he is cheating and has turned a blind eye. Some even cheat to spite her for caring so little about him.
They are  often truly shocked, when she crumbles into a sad, hurt heap when she finds out. He then realises he truly is the bad guy in this fiasco, and that for some is difficult to live with so they try to make amends and try to reconcile. Here I guess he was dealing with an angry wife and a divided family  and it took him a while to persuade her to have him back, once home he "needs" his OW back too...
He gets to be the good guy again to his wife and kids...
Only like many cheaters he rather liked having two women... if he can get away with it...
Guys their 50's are very bad bet for an OW,  they have too much to lose...

 

Edited February 4, 2020 by elaine567

[S2B]

I’m glad you’re searching for a new job.

when you see him just act like he’s not there.

he made his choice - don’t allow him to manipulate you any longer.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Here I guess he was dealing with an angry wife and a divided family  and it took him a while to persuade her to have him back, once home he "needs" his OW back too...

Thanks for your response. TBH I don't think he had to persuade her at all, she convinced herself that he had temporarily lost his mind and that I was just a fling even though he actually left her after 28 years of marriage. She wrote me a few letters in the first few months after he left and said over and over she wanted her husband back and would do anything to make that happen. She spent the first 10 months hounding him and when she finally gave up and looked like she was moving on I think that is when he panicked and realised that he was losing his family, especially his boys so he went back thinking it would all be better and that he could forget me. But he can't and now he's stuck. However he has treated me terribly, lied and manipulated me all for his own benefit. I can't imagine he's very happy but its a tolerable unhappiness, not something I would want to put up with. I'm not available to be there for him and look after him. I have 3 teenagers and they are my priority and he had started to realise that he would have to spend lots of time living and being on his own if he was to stay in a relationship with me. He'd never lived on his own, he's always been with her. So he took the easiest option however once he was back with her he missed me and he's carried on trying to keep me on the back burner until he has the guts to leave again or when my kids have left home in 6 years time ! 

I want to move on but its really hard, I've never felt this bad in my whole life. My own divorce was a breeze compared to this. He has used me and I don't think I can forgive him for that. 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

I’m glad you’re searching for a new job.

when you see him just act like he’s not there.

he made his choice - don’t allow him to manipulate you any longer.

Thanks, great advice. Yes he made his choice and he will have to live with it. Its a shame that he's ruined both relationships, his marriage and anything he could have had with me. 

Sad, sad man. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

I have been looking for another job but so far no luck. We live in a very rural area with few job opportunities so I am stuck somewhat. However I will not give up and will keep looking. I need to move on. Thanks 

Think this is your best move. No sense having to deal with seeing him frequently. If it can be a better job, that's another positive.

Suggest you don't let him talk his way back into your life. He's showing you what he actually wants and it's quite clear.

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Guys their 50's are very bad bet for an OW,  they have too much to lose..

Wish I'd realised that 3 years ago, I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. You are correct he has far too much to lose. If he ever left again his kids would probably never speak to him again so that's it he's stuck there. What a fool. His wife hasn't won either, she has a lying cheat of a husband who is completely indifferent towards her. No one has won !!!!

[S2B]

It’s interesting he went running back as soon as she didn’t seem to care anymore.

or maybe he just is afraid to be alone.

either way he’s weak and dishonest. That’s not attractive.

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s interesting he went running back as soon as she didn’t seem to care anymore.

or maybe he just is afraid to be alone.

either way he’s weak and dishonest. That’s not attractive.

I know, I think he is scared of being alone and he has said recently that it's fear of the unknown. If the divorce had gone through what if it didn't work out with me and him. He would have then lost his family and could potentially be on his own. That didn't sit well. My counsellor thinks he has some kind of attachment to her that means he can't be without her, like a security thing. He feels safe etc. However I disagree because he seemed quite happy in the 12 months we were together to be finally away from her. If my kids had been older and at university or living away he has admitted he wouldn't have gone back to her because we would have been living together. My kids spend part time with their dad and during those times he and I were very happy and living a great life, going on holiday, walks, meals out etc but I guess he didn't like it when they were back with me and he had to spend more time on his own.

What a very selfish person. I feel so conned and taken advantage of. Not sure if I will ever really get over this. 

[preraph]

Well, he actually didn't leave you.  He just went back to her and you are still seeing him.  All he did was find two women who'd put up with him having two women.  I'm guessing he knew you would be desperate enough to keep letting him in your life .  Now he's got what he wanted all along, both.

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s interesting he went running back as soon as she didn’t seem to care anymore.

It almost never fails.  The MM/MW have no problem cheating but the minute they think a BS might be interested in someone else they run back.

Edited February 4, 2020 by stillafool

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, he actually didn't leave you.  He just went back to her and you are still seeing him.  All he did was find two women who'd put up with him having two women.  I'm guessing he knew you would be desperate enough to keep letting him in your life .  Now he's got what he wanted all along, both.

I'm not seeing him. In the last 6 months I've only been in contact with him for about 4 -6 weeks. However I 'see' him in and around school but I don't speak to him. So he doesn't have both of us. In reality he has nothing because he doesn't love her in a romantic way and he is stuck in a situation that he created himself. 

I don't think I was desperate,  just in love. Love makes us blind and stupid sometimes ! 

[preraph]

Time to move on from him.  He loved her enough to marry her and have kids with her -- whatever love is to him.  I doubt they'll ever be the same, of course.  

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Beca L said:

Why do men do this to women who love them?

Because they can... 

It sounds simple, but really... women put up with all kinds of crap from men because “they love him.” They allow themselves to get into relationships with men who are not available when their brain is telling them otherwise. They allow themselves to stay longer than they should when their gut is telling themselves it is not good. They wait around and play the pick me dance when he leaves - like he is a prize to be won rather than a walking red flag to be avoided at all cost.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are able to see this situation for what it was and you don’t hang around longer than you should... playing the “pick me dance.”

A man can only come and go from a woman’s life if she lets him... And no man is worth your self worth and your dignity. No man, ever.

Edited February 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

’m sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are able to see this situation for what it was and you don’t hang around longer than you should... playing the “pick me dance.”

A man can only come and go from a woman’s life if she lets him... And no man is worth your self worth and your dignity. No man, ever.

Thanks, great advice. I deserve so much better and I keep trying to tell myself each day that he is not worth it and he certainly is no prize to be won anymore. 

[S2B]

It’s exactly why I always say to never ever start seeing any man who’s divorce isn’t final. So often they go back and hurt everyone involved.

[OpenBook]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

If my kids had been older and at university or living away he has admitted he wouldn't have gone back to her because we would have been living together. My kids spend part time with their dad and during those times he and I were very happy and living a great life, going on holiday, walks, meals out etc but I guess he didn't like it when they were back with me and he had to spend more time on his own. 

What a horrible thing for him to say to you, and hang over your head. "If only your kids weren't in the way..." Like he was blaming it on your kids. My mouth dropped open when I read that. This guy is a real piece of work. What a jerk.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Beca....

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.    Your story hits pretty close to home, so I am all too familiar with the heartbreak you are experiencing.   There is so much to navigate through when deciding to exit a marriage.   There is a lot of waffling and a lot of emotions many don't anticipate feeling even though they want to end the marriage.   He took the first step in leaving, but he probably hadn't thought it all the way through.   And this is a fear that many OM/OW have....even if they decide to leave, will they go back?    

I do know that many men can't leave their kids...as much as they think they can, in that moment, in that week, when it comes down to making the decision, they can't do it.   I know you are trying to reconcile all of the things he said to you vs. his behavior.   And how could he have said all of these things to you only to withdraw.  I am still trying to make sense of this myself.  

All you can do now it try to pick up the pieces and find a way to let him go.   It takes time....lots and lots of time.   And unfortunately, you will have to go through all of the heartache and pain, in a sense grieving a death.  One day you might be ok, the next 3 not.   

It would probably be better if you can tell him not to contact you while he is trying to sort it all out.  Easier said than done though.   But if you continue to watch his situation unfold from the bleachers, you are going to get more hurt than you already have been.   You are looking out for him and his best interests, but at the end of the day, who is looking out for yours?  You need to find a way to put your happiness first.  I know you love him and you don't want to let him go because of that amazing connection (and boy, do we know how that connection feels), but at the end of the day, he is choosing to stay where he is (for whatever reason).  Find a way to dust yourself off...and know it will take a lot of time (the first couple of months are nothing short of awful).  You are going to cry (ALOT), expect that.   That is why Affairs are so hard to recover from....in a normal break-up, you have reached a point where you are ready to end things.   With an Affair, you are trying to let go at the height of everything.   It is hard...and you will be left wondering WHY?  WHY? WHY?   And unfortunately, you may never get that answer.   

Find a way to love yourself enough to walk away.   Hang in there, keep posting!  We will help get you through it.

[heartwhole2]

I recently heard the maxim that we should aim to "rise in love," not to "fall in love." I like that a lot. I hope you can move on from this relationship, which seemed to be the sort that sucked you in and pulled you down, and on to relationships that help you rise. And in the meantime, listening to Lizzo never hurt . . .

[Allupinnit]

@Beca L, gently - he DOES love his wife.  Unlike affairs, marriages go through life stressors that tend to take the shine off things and people stop trying after a while because the "feelings" wane.  You are stuck in the "limerence" stage of the relationship which is highly addicting and seeing at work him only fuels your addiction, whether intentionally or no.  

Think of men like kids.  They don't want to leave where their bread is buttered.  Leave the woman who made his house a home, bore and raised his kids, maybe cared for his sick parent or stuck by him in grad school.  That counts for a lot.  Loyalty means a lot to a man, however hypocritical here.  Men like things that are comfortable, which is why women are far more likely to initiate divorce than men are - they can compartmentalize much easier than a woman can.  He doesn't want to sell his home he and his wife created over decades and doesn't want to look like an a$$ in front of his kids and family and friends.  Those things tend to win out against some fleeting moments with another woman.

You need to find another job asap - regardless of how uncomfortable this makes your commute.  When women don't heed this difficult advice they end up right back here eventually - it's way too easy and convenient for you to fall back into old patterns.