mea culpa for not cold approaching

[nospam99]

Off topic: @HL. Thanks for the gratz. My health and genetics are great and I lost considerable savings to health care premiums under Obamacare and to my ex-wife via the divorce settlement. So my 'greatest fear' is outliving my money. I plan to 'delay' official retirement until it's mandatory that I collect Social Security. My understanding is that's at age 70 plus some number of months.

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

 So my 'greatest fear' is outliving my money.

Yes... I did those calculations, as well.  They are kind of "grizzly" and you tell yourself you better not live past X.

Did you figure in a "reverse mortgage" into your calculations??  Initially, I started to get a little scared of my calculations, then I did some research on "reverse mortgage" and felt a lot better about when I could die.

More off topic... if you don't mind... Any new or upcoming "Speed Dating" events??  I know you didn't have luck at the last one, but "she" could be at the next one.

 

[nospam99]

@lotsgoingon. My fear/concern about getting a reputation as a 'player' comes from my perceptions. I see guys 'working' the dance, visibly trying to monopolize the best looking woman or women. I don't want to be that guy. And they are clearly a minority - maybe one or two out of a crowd of two or three dozen men. The thing I've yet to see is a woman turning away from or ignoring a man approaching them to request a dance. That applies to me, the other guys in general, and even the guys I perceive as acting like players. I have no problem with the 'cold approach' of requesting a partner for one or more dances. That's what she, I, and everyone else are nominally there for. To me there is a world of difference between ending a dance with 'Thank you' (proper etiquette as I've been 'taught') and 'Want my number?' I've got the patience to make smalltalk in between dances and to 'wait and see' if a woman at a dance event acts receptive to taking steps towards arranging to meeting sometime after the dance event. I also see a world of difference between the 'care to dance to this (whatever the band or DJ just started)?' and 'wanna go out?' The first is a 'cold approach' I'm comfortable with all night, every night. The second is eliciting a cringe.

[nospam99]

@HL. LOL for off topic - two conversations in this thread. I don't mind as long as the other reader/posters don't complain and continue to post ideas and comments about cold approaches.

I don't trust banks. I especially don't trust banks 30+ years in the future. I didn't plan on a reverse mortgage. In the first instance because I don't expect to need one. And if 30 years from now I'm a healthy 95 y/o with my reverse mortgage collected, I'd fear the bank would kill me to get the house. Police report: ''95 y/o dude - worst case of death by natural causes I've ever seen.'' LOL at least I wouldn't outlive my money.

No scheduled Speed Dating. With the results I had at the last three events, at the moment I'm disinclined to go to another one. Like my OLD results, the first six months of Speed Dating (only one event) were great. Since then, essentially worthless.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

And if 30 years from now I'm a healthy 95 y/o with my reverse mortgage collected, I'd fear the bank would kill me to get the house. Police report: ''95 y/o dude - worst case of death by natural causes I've ever seen.'' LOL at least I wouldn't outlive my money.

Now I'm picturing a bunch of bank executives with a list in front of them, checking off boxes... "OK, kill him and him and oh yea, her and definitely those two" I was ROFLMAO!  Yes, if I live past 109, the bank death squad will be at my front door....  "OK, Mr. Lemming, its time, we're losing too much money on your reverse mortgage, here drink this and go lay down"

Sorry to hear the last 3 Speed Dating events weren't fruitful.  I thought it was just the last one.  I still think you should try another one, though.... What do you have to lose?? $30+/- and a couple of hours.

[Cookiesandough]

Also if any woman gets snotty or stuck up when a guy (tactfully) approaches to say hello, she can f right off. I have friends who do this. 🙄 Seriously, he is paying you a compliment and you want to cop an attitude. Pay women like that no mind

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Also if any woman gets snotty or stuck up when a guy (tactfully) approaches to say hello...

I'd have to say in all my years of dating, cold approaching, talking to women in public places, etc., there have only been a handful that were rude.  I have to give you ladies credit, 99.99% of the time you are polite in your rejection.  Usually, it is just a polite "No, thank you" or something funny like "You're a day late and a dollar short, I already have a boyfriend " very rarely are women rude or impolite.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, you're framing this oddly.

You're defining a coach approach oddly ... that's not the way gregarious people meet others. 

Put it like this, the way to approach people ... is to approach them naturally. Someone is near you and you say hi. Someone crosses your path and they make eye contact and you say hi. 

You're thinking of a cold approach as literally seeing a woman and asking her out. That works for .05 percent of the guys out there ... and for them that works 5 percent of the time. 

Think incremental ... think how you meet friends ... you don't go up to a stranger and say, "be my friend." You talk to them ... wait for their response ... you get comfortable ... over time ... often over multiple encounters ... 

You want no more to approach a strange woman and ask her out ... than you want to approach a stranger and ask them to be a good friend. You don't know the person enough to ask them out. 

Confident guys start conversations ... and then relax ... You cast your net broadly by simply starting conversations. Half of those conversations will go nowhere and that's fine ... Some will be pro forma polite, but nothing more. But by starting conversations you're casting your net ... and the real goal is to enjoy talking ... without needing a date. 

The thing I've yet to see is a woman turning away from or ignoring a man approaching them to request a dance.

You're saying this has never happened? This is standard etiquette at social dances. You've never spotted a woman across the dance floor or 10 feet away or 15 feet away and started moving toward her ... only to see her move? If you're not noticing this, this is the place to start in reading social cues. Women are polite about this ... they act like they don't see you coming. In reality, women on the dance floor see everybody coming to approach them or even about to approach them.  Just as guys see every woman around them and notice every "pretty" woman around them. Men and women do this without effort. They don't even have to think about doing this.

Anyone you cannot get eye contact with as you approach ... doesn't want to dance with you. You might corner them and they might say yes. But ... if a person wants to dance with you ... if you want a clear positive signal, see who stands still (another sign) ... and who makes eye contact with you as you approach. l. 

I don't get this worry about how other guys appear on the dance floor.  You're projecting here. You really can't judge those guys ... and their social skill. Guy 1 can approach lots of women, and they feel great and comfortable ... he can crack certain jokes ... and break the ice ... Guy 2 can do most of the same ... and yet not connect with women ... or make them feel comfortable. 

Even guys who are too direct aren't necessarily players. They might just be crushin' which is very different from playin'. Crushin' is you have a sincere interest in talking to the person ... it's just the interest is a bit high too soon. 

Bottom say hi to anyone you want to say hi to ... period. That's an approach. Saying "hi" gives nothing away. You see how they respond ... and go from there. 

[nospam99]

@lotsgoingon. Thanks for you suggestions. I will take them under consideration.

Nevertheless, I have indeed yet to see a woman turning away from or ignoring a man at these dances. I have yet to see a woman move away when a man starts moving towards her. I will take your suggestion to start reading these actions as social cues. Considerations for my perceptions: I have only been to less than a dozen of these events. Though not advertised as 'senior events', almost none of the participants of either gender appear to be younger than 60 and several appear to be in their 80s. As a 'physically well-preserved 65 y/o', I appear to be one of the younger people there. Not knowing how or why this age distribution is what it is, I can only guess it developed over time. I was introduced to the extended group (a shared schedule with a dance somewhere every week at several locations spread across two counties) by an EXTREMELY well-preserved female friend who is now 60 y/o (and a highly-skilled dancer). Is it possible the general avoidance behavior of women that you describe is less likely among an 'older' crowd?