How do you get over someone you work with?

[Rainmkr555]

I have an obsession with someone I have worked with for over 10 years now that I absolutely MUST get over. (FYI...finding a new job is NOT an option for me)

For the first 4 years that we worked together, we were just work colleagues and nothing more.  However, in 2013 we started texting about work issues, which led to personal talks, which led to flirting, which led to talking about sex, which then led to us making out in a supply room at work, which then led to us going out one night and having sex.  But, just 2 weeks after that night, she made it clear that she only really wants friendship with me.  I was totally accepting of that and we moved on.

However, our special friendship did not end there.  By Spring 2014 we were talking sexually again and we met out one night and totally went at it in her car (no sex. Just making out). When her birthday was coming up in July, she asked me if I wanted to go grab dinner with her and then go back to her place for dessert. Obviously I said YES. I ended up just going over to her house and we had drinks and had sex on her couch. She did not want to go in her bed for some reason. I thought it was good but again she did not seem to like it. The following week we went out for drinks and she again told me she felt no chemistry with me and only wanted to be my friend. I accepted this and we went back to just being good friends.

Over the next 2 years, our friendship became one of texting each other constantly morning, noon, night and on weekends and going for drinks maybe once every 2 months. She would still send me photos of herself and I would still flirt with her and she would flirt back and I would always make sure she knew how I still wanted her.

Then in December 2016, me and her went to a movie together. Afterwards we went to a bar, then sat in her car talking, and then ended up kissing and having sex in her car right in the parking lot of the bar. I couldn't believe it was happening and I was soo happy. But again, the next day she sent me a text saying while she does not regret it and she had a great time, we are still only going to be friends. However, later that month she invited me to her house and we drank and watched TV and kissed but did not have sex.

That was the last time we were ever intimate with each other but after that we would still talk A LOT and flirt sometimes too.  For basically the whole summer of 2018 she was being VERY flirty and sexual with me. Sending me photos of her wearing just her panties, sending other sexy photos, talking about what she might wear the next time we go out.  But all of that never went anywhere and we basically just talked and talked. 

She has also dated a couple of different guys over the past 6 years of our special friendship as well.  Each time I found out, I would get soooo jealous and upset and sad.  I would ask her why she won't date ME? And she always says that she has "no chemistry" with me and that she is "not attracted" to me.  She had sex with me on 3 different occasions and flirted with me all these years but she is NOT attracted to me??

Anyway, as of right now she is seeing some other guy for the past month and I just found out that the 2 of them are going to the Bahamas next month for 1 week.  Ever since I heard this news I have been absolutely devastated and upset.  I want that to be ME who is going away with her. She knows I'm upset and we talked and she says she is sorry I am hurt but there is nothing she can do.  She always says that she wishes she could be with me because she knows I would treat her good but she's just not attracted to me.  

While part of me just wants to keep waiting in hopes that maybe ONE DAY she will want to be with me.....I know that in reality that is never going to happen.  I MUST and NEED to get over this obsession I have with her.  But I have no idea how to do that considering that we work together.  Lucky for me, I do not work in the office with her. I see her maybe once a week for 10 minutes at a time. But, I am forced to have to interact with daily through text message.

Please help me guys! I want to FINALLY be rid of this heartache and pain and the unhealthy attachment I have to this woman.  

P.S. She is a very nice and caring person.  She's been very sympathetic to my pain each time this happens. She's not doing anything on purpose or maliciously to me. She just very much wants to find a boyfriend for a real relationship and during the process I end up getting hurt each time.

[Legatus]

17 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She's been very sympathetic to my pain each time this happens.

How can she be if she causes the same pain over and over again? Don't you see a paradox here? How can she have sex with you and not do it on purpose?

If she told you she has no chemistry then her actions didn't really confirm that. To me it looks like she knows you would always be there for her if she needs a quick release, some ego-stroking via text, perhaps some validation through naked photos. In the end she is in control and you just cater to her needs. 

Anyway you allowed it to go on for far too long. Thankfully you don't have to see her at work too much. You need to cut contact with her especially if seeing her with other men upsets you so much. Only contact her if the work requires it. Do not avoid her on purpose but do not seek contact. If she sends you pictures, videos, or flirtatious text - ignore them. At one point you may even have to block her so that you can deal with this without any input from her, as it might just stop your recovery. 

If she really cares about you even one bit she will understand you need to get over her and remove the distraction and obsession from your life. Don't let her guilt you into anything..

[2BGoodAgain]

find out WHY you are attracted to this woman... not the symptoms, but the reasons...

also, have NC with this person. absolutely none. do not spend any time with her, or text/ or call unless it's work related.

until you don't care either way if she's dating someone or not.

 

[Rainmkr555]

15 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

find out WHY you are attracted to this woman... not the symptoms, but the reasons...

also, have NC with this person. absolutely none. do not spend any time with her, or text/ or call unless it's work related.

until you don't care either way if she's dating someone or not.

 

The main reason I am so attracted to this woman is that I am INSANELY attracted to her beauty. She is the exact type of woman I like.  And in the beginning when this all started I felt on top of the world having a woman this beautiful be interested in ME.  I loved the attention I got from her.  But whenever she takes that attention away and gives it to someone else, I literally feel like my entire world is falling apart.  

[ElecLibre]

23 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

She's not doing anything on purpose or maliciously to me.

When a woman sends out naughty photos - that's definitely on purpose. To me it sounds like she craves the attention and likes knowing that you will always react well to her approaches, it gives her a confidence boost when she's feeling down. If you really do want this to end, you need to put up some barriers and tell her that she needs to stop the flirting and the messages should be kept to a minimum - only when necessary and not for small talk. It will be tough at first but you'll slowly get her out of your "routine" and will be able to focus on other things. 

[kendahke]

Quote

HOW DO YOU GET OVER SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH?

I start out with not pooping where I eat because of the very reasons you outlined in your post.

You have to see them every day and pretend you don't have feelings or pretend that you haven't been disappointed by them personally when things should have remained professional.

In the future, don't make your workplace your dating pool.  When things get messy, it could impact your ability to earn a living.  

Edited January 23, 2020 by kendahke

[JPT0918]

My situation is very similar to yours. we wok together, she wants to interact with me. she values me as the most important person in her life. however, she says we are just friends, not attracted to me, etc. which I think she craftily says this so she can play around with other guys heart's. She's seeing someone right now. Claims he's just a friend. Yet, she spends a huge amount of her free time with him. For someone like you and I, this is the worst position you can be in. It's very painful.

So... you've got to understand your self worth. Understand she doesn't deserve you. Understand she comes to you because you have something she needs. She needs your validation and attention. Take it away from her by going no contact. Of course it will hurt but you've got to do it. always maintain your focus on your needs.

I know it's difficult because she hooked you with sex. But you need to develop the strength to walk away. Get angry and tel yourself you will never be used again by this attention seeker. You need to associate with other people who will show patience as you transition out of this nightmare.

I struggle, too. I was no contact for the last two weeks, and she recently broke no contact with me. In the short period of time we've been talking.. I asked myself what role can she play in my life. Right now I see no role.  I don't want to just be happy with her bread crumbs. If she can't give me what I need, then I'm prepared to walk away. willing to give up everything. Because this isn't how I want to live my life. It's about self respect. Never lose it. Because in the end they could care less about you or me.

Just know each day gets better.

[Rainmkr555]

7 hours ago, JPT0918 said:

My situation is very similar to yours. we wok together, she wants to interact with me. she values me as the most important person in her life. however, she says we are just friends, not attracted to me, etc. which I think she craftily says this so she can play around with other guys heart's. She's seeing someone right now. Claims he's just a friend. Yet, she spends a huge amount of her free time with him. For someone like you and I, this is the worst position you can be in. It's very painful.

So... you've got to understand your self worth. Understand she doesn't deserve you. Understand she comes to you because you have something she needs. She needs your validation and attention. Take it away from her by going no contact. Of course it will hurt but you've got to do it. always maintain your focus on your needs.

I know it's difficult because she hooked you with sex. But you need to develop the strength to walk away. Get angry and tel yourself you will never be used again by this attention seeker. You need to associate with other people who will show patience as you transition out of this nightmare.

I struggle, too. I was no contact for the last two weeks, and she recently broke no contact with me. In the short period of time we've been talking.. I asked myself what role can she play in my life. Right now I see no role.  I don't want to just be happy with her bread crumbs. If she can't give me what I need, then I'm prepared to walk away. willing to give up everything. Because this isn't how I want to live my life. It's about self respect. Never lose it. Because in the end they could care less about you or me.

Just know each day gets better.

Thank you so much for sharing your situation with me.  Sounds very similar to mine yes.  Can I ask, have you been intimate with this woman as well? How long has this been going on? 

She totally hooked me with sex yes.  Even though we have not had sex for over 3 years now...she would still flirt with me sexually.  In fact, and I failed to mention this in my OP,  in the summer of 2017 we went to a concert together with friends. Afterwards we got back to her place and sat on the couch (alone at this point) and she starts putting her legs on me while wearing a short skirt and pulling it up and showing me her panties and her bra but not reciprocating my advances or me kissing her. She then went and got her laptop and showed me all these VERY intimate and sexy professional photos she had paid some photographer to take of herself. So I am sitting on the couch next to this woman who I am EXTREMELY attracted too while she is in a short dress, showing me very sexy photos of herself, showing me her panties, but making it clear by not kissing me back that she does not want that. Her son was asleep in his room and she did make the comment "I have a child here" when I kept trying to kiss her.  The next morning we talked of course and she again re-iterated the fact that she only wants friendship from me. 

I am insanely attracted to her.  She's gorgeous and she knows it too.  Like I said, she's dated a few different guys over the years, nothing ever working out obviously, but this new guy she's seeing seems to be different because she has never gone away with one of these guys before. And picturing her down in that island paradise with him for 1 week probably having sex multiple times a day is something that is completely destroying me.  I honestly do not know how I'm going to survive that week next month...

[The Outlaw]

Just keep your relationship with her at work strictly professional and nothing more. Don't indulge her anymore than you already have and go out with her for drinks anymore. If you continue, it will be that much harder to disengage. And from the outside looking in, it sounds like she's only friends with you when it BENEFITS her. Pick yourself up the best you can and move forward. Not backwards. Go out, have fun and see other people. Find someone that's deserving of you. She isn't. 

[Rainmkr555]

I appreciate the replies I’ve gotten so far on here but can I get some more please? I’m dying over here. Desperately looking for some support and advice. Also, and I know this is probably counterproductive to where I want to be at in this situation, but based on what you have read from my OP do you think there’s anything I can do to try to get her in to me again?

[Rainmkr555]

I appreciate the replies I’ve gotten so far on here but can I get some more please? I’m dying over here. Desperately looking for some support and advice. Also, and I know this is probably counterproductive to where I want to be at in this situation, but based on what you have read from my OP do you think there’s anything I can do to try to get her in to me again?

[preraph]

She has boundary issues and she shouldn't have had sex with a friend when it was probably clear to her that you were more invested.  No, she's not going to just magically decide she wants more from you.  I'm sorry.  So you have to just be disciplined and act professional and not make this her burden.  I know how hard it can be.  I worked with an ex for a long time.  It was sometimes very miserable.  If you can't take working with her, it would be on you to find other employment or a different department or different hours to avoid her.  But mainly, you need to accept the truth, which is she doesn't want you that way and has told you as much.  Again, she has crap boundaries and shouldn't have opened that door, but we're all imperfect.  It's on you to just fake it until you make it, and also on you to fill the rest of your life with fun things and dating and going out with friends and staying busy so 100% of your thoughts aren't going to this .  

[Rainmkr555]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

She has boundary issues

What does this mean?

[Rainmkr555]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

act professional and not make this her burden. 

Also what do you mean by don’t make it her burden?

[preraph]

I mean, she should never have had sex with you if she knew she didn't want a real romance with you.  I mean, she already worked with you and was friends for a long time.  If anything was really going to spark on her end, it would have YEARS ago.  She just let herself make a mess with you.  

 

I mean, you work with her and should just be professional with her and not confront her about all this or confess and beg and keep trying to change her mind.  If you can't be friends anymore, then avoid her.  But it's on YOU to accept reality that she doesn't want to have anything serious with you and it's not going to change.

[Rainmkr555]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

I mean, she should never have had sex with you if she knew she didn't want a real romance with you.  I mean, she already worked with you and was friends for a long time.  If anything was really going to spark on her end, it would have YEARS ago.  She just let herself make a mess with you.  

 

I mean, you work with her and should just be professional with her and not confront her about all this or confess and beg and keep trying to change her mind.  If you can't be friends anymore, then avoid her.  But it's on YOU to accept reality that she doesn't want to have anything serious with you and it's not going to change.

What baffles me is that we did not have sex just one time. That could easily be explained away as a drunken mishap. But she had sex with me on 3 separate occasions over a three-year period. That’s why I’m totally confused when she says she’s not attracted to me. I personally do not have sex with people that I’m not attracted to.

[preraph]

Some people do, though.  Anyway, she has made clear she doesn't want to have a real relationship with you, so it's strictly on you to accept it and move on.  Sounds like it was a "might as well" situation.  But she wasn't thinking about how it could mess things up being trivial about it because her feelings were NEVER anywhere near what yours are.   So to her, she wasn't risking that much.  

[mark clemson]

It sounds like she may have avoidant attachment. Consider doing some internet research on that topic. It possibly be "fixed" with therapy, but there's no reason to (in her mind) as "I'm just how I am" so she's unlikely to see any need to fix things.

It sounds like you may have limerence for her. You could try resolving to not see her anymore, avoiding that 10 minute window or whatever when you see her, and trying to pretend she doesn't exist. It's not likely to work, but it may be all you have. If she leaves, you're in luck. Other than that you'll probably have to wait this out until it fades. It will be at least several months and your weekly glimpses/encounters with her are likely re-triggering it.

Re-characterizing her as "bad" in your mind and the FWB or whatever you call what you had with her as "sucky" may help as well. Make a nice long list of everything sucky about this situation and take it all to heart.

You should probably also try to find a new person to date while you wait this out.

[Daisydooks]

19 minutes ago, Rainmkr555 said:

But she had sex with me on 3 separate occasions over a three-year period. That’s why I’m totally confused when she says she’s not attracted to me.

This is why it was stated above that she has boundary issues. She's not attracted enough to you actually he's serious, knowing how serious your feelings really are. Her boundaries are lacking

You might be attractive enough to have sex with a couple times, you are very available to her and you are attractive enough to carry on a special friendship with but you are not attractive enough as a serious mate and you never have been. That is one thing she seems to remain true to

[Rainmkr555]

19 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like you may have limerence for her.

Amazing word buddy. I just looked it up. Never heard of that before. That word is EXACTLY what I am experiencing with her. Unfortunately.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

do you think there’s anything I can do to try to get her in to me again?

Not from what you've written.

She has no interest in being who you want her to be.

If you keep on, this won't end well for you.

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

This is why it was stated above that she has boundary issues. She's not attracted enough to you actually he's serious, knowing how serious your feelings really are. Her boundaries are lacking

You might be attractive enough to have sex with a couple times, you are very available to her and you are attractive enough to carry on a special friendship with but you are not attractive enough as a serious mate and you never have been. That is one thing she seems to remain true to

Oyoyoy! Auto correct, you are not my friend! Haha It wont let me edit!!

What I actually meant to say was "She's not attracted enough to you to be serious."

Frankly I've had enough of your shirt, autocorrect! 😂😂

[Daisydooks]

On 1/23/2020 at 9:41 AM, Rainmkr555 said:

She is the exact type of woman I like. 

One who leads you on? One who plays with your emotions? One who uses her insane beauty to reel you in for a night here and there? One who boasts about the next guy she is now dating?

What IS attractive? Just her face? Beauty fades. It fades faster if you look at her behaviour. My friends, this is not Beauty. This is the epitome of ugly

Edited January 24, 2020 by Daisydooks

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Amazing word buddy. I just looked it up. Never heard of that before. That word is EXACTLY what I am experiencing with her. Unfortunately.

Bad news, it can't really be shut off. Gotta wait it out. I recently read an article suggesting that re-characterizing her and the "relationship" (such as it was) as a negative thing may help a little too.

Your brain chemistry is off a quite bit due to it somewhat similar to cocaine addiction apparently. All of these will help take the edge off a bit, but they don't cure - only time does that:

- Socializing with friends (boosts dopamine)

- At least 10 min/day outside in nature (or at least looking at nature pics on your computer if you can't get outside) (boosts serotonin)

- Exercise within your capabilities (boosts endogenous opiates)

- Possibly thinks like cute kitten and puppy pictures, hugs (if you have someone you can hug), and doing acts of kindness for others (boosts oxytocin)

- Distractions while you wait, books, TV shows, music, etc

Getting a GF might help a lot too but you may not feel fully able to feel connected to her, so suggest keeping it casual. It's probably all you'll be able to feel for her anyhow.

GL - you're in for a rough next several months most likely. 🙄 You WILL get past it eventually though if you're like the vast, vast majority of people.

[JPT0918]

14 hours ago, Rainmkr555 said:

Thank you so much for sharing your situation with me.  Sounds very similar to mine yes.  Can I ask, have you been intimate with this woman as well? How long has this been going on? 

She totally hooked me with sex yes.  Even though we have not had sex for over 3 years now...she would still flirt with me sexually.  In fact, and I failed to mention this in my OP,  in the summer of 2017 we went to a concert together with friends. Afterwards we got back to her place and sat on the couch (alone at this point) and she starts putting her legs on me while wearing a short skirt and pulling it up and showing me her panties and her bra but not reciprocating my advances or me kissing her. She then went and got her laptop and showed me all these VERY intimate and sexy professional photos she had paid some photographer to take of herself. So I am sitting on the couch next to this woman who I am EXTREMELY attracted too while she is in a short dress, showing me very sexy photos of herself, showing me her panties, but making it clear by not kissing me back that she does not want that. Her son was asleep in his room and she did make the comment "I have a child here" when I kept trying to kiss her.  The next morning we talked of course and she again re-iterated the fact that she only wants friendship from me. 

I am insanely attracted to her.  She's gorgeous and she knows it too.  Like I said, she's dated a few different guys over the years, nothing ever working out obviously, but this new guy she's seeing seems to be different because she has never gone away with one of these guys before. And picturing her down in that island paradise with him for 1 week probably having sex multiple times a day is something that is completely destroying me.  I honestly do not know how I'm going to survive that week next month...

We had a full on relationship. Obviously, I was more into her than she was into me. She however did rely on me heavily for emotional support. I should clarify, she did flip out when she turned 39 an realized she will turn 40 in a short 12 months.Although she's denying anything is serious, she is seeing a fellow 24 years of age. To be honest this is something that I'm having difficulty grappling with the dynamics. But I have to go by the reality of the situation and not some made up" hoping  crap" in my head.

In my experience and observations of her, she displays high narcissistic tendencies. attention seeking, self centered, uses people,  etc. Women like this don't last in long term relationships(3 months ave) and pop in and out of their ex's life for the validation. Usually, they come back either because their relationship ended and they need to feel better about themselves or hey just get bored with the guy they were seeing. But ultimately they don't see you as a person per se just an object who can fulfill some need. She's even that way with her family and coworkers.

By studying narcissism, I am able to slowly break free. The battle now is keeping out of her web. I am able to socialize with her with my emotions under control. Except I get frustrated because of her manipulative tactics to extract something from me.

In your case, your girl is seeking attention. she will go anywhere to get it. Don't think the other guy is exempt from what's coming. She will exploit him just as she did to you. these women can be bad news. trust me she didn't  go an that trip because he's the one. She went on that trip because he paid for it. Guaranteed. as far as them having sex. Of course, they probably are, but she uses it to put him under her spell. To extract all his love and affection. He might think she's really into him, but she's not.

Consider yourself fortunate to not be fully ensnared in her mess. Run from her.