To send or not to send.....

[Melrose78]

Sorry guys. Me again . Refer to previous post https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/692983-over-thinking

The past 3 weeks we have kept in contact. I know it's a bad idea and I'm waiting subconsciously for a guy I barely know. On paper he ticked the right boxes, but reality is he might not even be the right guy for me.

 

If I send him this, is that too harsh or straight forward? Last thing I also want is him to feel bad or guilty. I just want closer, of I can get it.

 

"I've spent the past few weeks reflecting. On me, my ex, my life choices. Everything really.

And the time I spent getting to know you.

I have no regrets. Life's too short for that. And whether it be I was your rebound or someone you needed to meet to face everything in your own life, I don't even know if you can really answer that.

All I do know is I have paused my life. And have realised it's not because I'm not ready for a relationship. It's because I am.

You're an amazing guy. I want your happiness more then anything else in the world. I know you're going through a lot. And need time to grieve. I feel you need time on your own to find the Dugal you have lost. And being in contact with me may hinder that.

I also need to move on. Keep meeting people.

I may find the right one quickly, I may not. But life's way too short to fear what could be.

Down the track, when you feel you have healed, contact me if you want. I can't say where I will be at in my own life but if anything maybe we can be friends

[ThorntonMelon]

So the answer to "send or not send" is always (ok, maybe not literally always) don't send.

 

You're in a situation where he's just not that into you for whatever reason, and I'm not understanding why you feel the need to give further closure.

 

I'd recommend you write a longer note to yourself about why you deserve someone who'd never ever ever make you need to write a note like the one above, then read it, then burn it, and then go try and find that guy. And don't send this one. Not worth the energy. You deserve better. He's not finding himself. He's just not that into you, and I'm sorry because I know you want him to be. If he was, he'd make it beyond clear.

[Melrose78]

It's beyond if he's into me or not. He's had a pretty rough year. And I totally agree he needs time. His counselor was the one who said he's got way too much going on and needs to stay single. I know he struggled with it. He admitted it. But also knew he's head space would most likely cause too much pain for both of us.

[OpenBook]

will you expect him to respond? If so - what are you hoping he'll say? What IS there to say?

[spiritedaway2003]

I know it sounds cliche. When a guy really likes you, you'd know because he somehow find ways to make his feelings known. Even if timing isn't right or if he's not ready, he'd do everything to keep an opening for himself for down the line. I just don't see that here.

 

I'm in the camp of "don't send it". What would you expect to say? If I'm a guy and I get something like this, I might be confused or annoyed, or both. If he's interested, he already knows how to find you. If he's not, nothing would change his mind. Unfortunately, while he might be a guy that ticks the right boxes, but you can't force timing or feelings.

[chillii]

Just wondering , do you think he is that into you has he seemed it , but it's only bad timing with all his stuff ?

lf you don't think he's that into you , l wouldn't bother.

But if you think he is but it's more just a really bad time, l'd just say something like in the last few lines there.lf he really is then no harm done whatsoever , and no games.

Nothing ever comes from nothing or playing games, most couples get back together later because they tell it how it is and make an effort.

l know it's new and your not a couple yet but same diff.

[Melrose78]

Sadly, totally bad timing.

 

I sent it. He does know where I am. I would rather send it then ghost him. At least he knows I'm doing it for the right reasons. Whether or not he makes contact in the future is up to him. He's said he will contact me in the future. He seems to be very honest but I won't hold him to it whatever happens happens.

 

I don't want a relationship with someone that is in that type of frame of mind. He's lost. He needs to find himself again.

[TheFinalWord]

You're way over invested in a guy that you barely know. You're talking about commitment already, when all you should be doing is getting to know him. And he doesn't seem even available for that, or interested enough to try.

 

You're coming on way too strong and that letter you sent was just so much for a guy that's even emotionally available. You seem very high maintenance and that will scare any guy off. I mean, you're stalking his dating profile? Yikes. I would be gone...

 

Taking what you say at face value, if he is not in a good place, you've basically told him he has to decide now to commit and be all in with you or not. So, he's not. Even a guy emotionally available wouldn't like this pace. Because you have strong attraction, you can't project that onto him. It takes two.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but just giving you my honest opinion. If a woman sent me that, it would confirm I made the right decision. You need to go 10000% no contact.

Edited November 30, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[chillii]

Sadly, totally bad timing.

 

I sent it. He does know where I am. I would rather send it then ghost him. At least he knows I'm doing it for the right reasons. Whether or not he makes contact in the future is up to him. He's said he will contact me in the future. He seems to be very honest but I won't hold him to it whatever happens happens.

 

I don't want a relationship with someone that is in that type of frame of mind. He's lost. He needs to find himself again.

 

 

 

 

Good for you , you did what you feel you needed to and that's a lot better than games and bs.

No harm done at all , can't lose either way with honesty in this stuff.

Good luck in the future.

[elaine567]

Last relationship you put up with rubbish from a guy until you finally got the message when he cheated on you, and now you are doing it again, putting up with rubbish.

Stop swallowing the "Yes, I was on the dating app, but I was looking for you" utter nonsense... You caught him out, he was NOT "confused".

 

When guys reject you, you walk away, you do not spend your time pandering to them in the hope they will change their mind.

This guy has "issues" or maybe he doesn't he just needed an excuse to get rid of you... not unknown. People can be devious.

Please respect yourself more.

 

The letter

These kind of letters are rarely well received and often make you look foolish, as the recipient often doesn't really care a damn or the letter puts them on the defensive and angers them. Rarely do they have the desired effect.

Too late, you sent it...

 

My advice

Stay well away from guys with "problems" if you want a happy life.

[Melrose78]

You're way over invested in a guy that you barely know. You're talking about commitment already, when all you should be doing is getting to know him. And he doesn't seem even available for that, or interested enough to try.

 

You're coming on way too strong and that letter you sent was just so much for a guy that's even emotionally available. You seem very high maintenance and that will scare any guy off. I mean, you're stalking his dating profile? Yikes. I would be gone...

 

Taking what you say at face value, if he is not in a good place, you've basically told him he has to decide now to commit and be all in with you or not. So, he's not. Even a guy emotionally available wouldn't like this pace. Because you have strong attraction, you can't project that onto him. It takes two.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but just giving you my honest opinion. If a woman sent me that, it would confirm I made the right decision. You need to go 10000% no contact.

 

Stalking dating profile?? Not quite. And he's the one who was talking future, not me. Lol.

No high maintenance here. I probably too relaxed most of the time.

But you have a right to your own opinion. Hence why I'm here

[Melrose78]

Last relationship you put up with rubbish from a guy until you finally got the message when he cheated on you, and now you are doing it again, putting up with rubbish.

Stop swallowing the "Yes, I was on the dating app, but I was looking for you" utter nonsense... You caught him out, he was NOT "confused".

 

When guys reject you, you walk away, you do not spend your time pandering to them in the hope they will change their mind.

This guy has "issues" or maybe he doesn't he just needed an excuse to get rid of you... not unknown. People can be devious.

Please respect yourself more.

 

The letter

These kind of letters are rarely well received and often make you look foolish, as the recipient often doesn't really care a damn or the letter puts them on the defensive and angers them. Rarely do they have the desired effect.

Too late, you sent it...

 

My advice

Stay well away from guys with "problems" if you want a happy life.

 

I plan to stay away from guys with problems. Hence why I've told him no contact.

He knows, as I said, if he wasn't interested i was fine with that. I basically said I didn't own him n he could do whatever he pleases. No anger etc from me.

He said it wasn't that at all. He and I were getting along really well. Everything just hit him all at once. I have no reason to not believe him. I'm moving on.

 

I've learnt from my ex. I've learnt a lot from this situation. Life's about learning and growing. There's a lot I won't put up with anymore. I value me too much to do so

 

I don't take offence to what people say. I listen more to my own instincts now. I use to ignore them but after my ex I realised I was making too many excuses on ahole lol behaviour.

[Melrose78]

Good for you , you did what you feel you needed to and that's a lot better than games and bs.

No harm done at all , can't lose either way with honesty in this stuff.

Good luck in the future.

 

Thanks Chilli. His response was fine. He knows me enough to know I'm not one to hold grudges. Life too short for drama

[Melrose78]

will you expect him to respond? If so - what are you hoping he'll say? What IS there to say?

 

I expected nothing. I just don't suddenly ghost ppl. But he responded. And life goes on

[d0nnivain]

You sent it. He responded. Like you said -- life goes on.

 

Had I weighed in before I would have been firmly in the camp of don't send it for a lot of reasons.

 

1. Text / email is the worst way to communicate emotions & relationship issues.

 

2. It is pointless & redundant. Everything you said did not need to be said. Most was implied in the break up itself. Once you were apart it was presumed you were going to move forward with your life. Why say that again?

 

3. You didn't send it because you needed to say it. You sent it hoping to provoke him into realizing he was wrong & come back to you to be the guy you were dreaming of. In short you had ulterior motives.

 

4. Although he responded, most people don't want these missives from EXs. They are annoying & intrusive.

 

5. Although better then most it was rambling. Everything you said could have been expressed more concisely: After a few weeks of careful reflection, I have no regrets. We were at different stages. I wish you well. Contact me in the future when you have healed if you like but I can't promise where I'll be at that point. Peace & happiness.

 

I hope you find what you are seeking.

[Melrose78]

You sent it. He responded. Like you said -- life goes on.

 

Had I weighed in before I would have been firmly in the camp of don't send it for a lot of reasons.

 

1. Text / email is the worst way to communicate emotions & relationship issues.

 

2. It is pointless & redundant. Everything you said did not need to be said. Most was implied in the break up itself. Once you were apart it was presumed you were going to move forward with your life. Why say that again?

 

3. You didn't send it because you needed to say it. You sent it hoping to provoke him into realizing he was wrong & come back to you to be the guy you were dreaming of. In short you had ulterior motives.

 

4. Although he responded, most people don't want these missives from EXs. They are annoying & intrusive.

 

5. Although better then most it was rambling. Everything you said could have been expressed more concisely: After a few weeks of careful reflection, I have no regrets. We were at different stages. I wish you well. Contact me in the future when you have healed if you like but I can't promise where I'll be at that point. Peace & happiness.

 

I hope you find what you are seeking.

 

No ulterior motive. Totally wrong there. I know he's not ready. I don't even want to date him especially knowing that. I said what I said for a reason. Simple.

[ExpatInItaly]

I also would have advised you not to send that. Or at the very least, to have worded it better.

 

Anyway, it's a done deal now. It's unfortunate you two didn't work out, but now you can truly go your separate ways. He was already out the door but hopefully now you feel comfortable shutting it behind him so you can move on, too.

Edited November 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[TheFinalWord]

Stalking dating profile?? Not quite.

 

From your own post...

 

I think I figured it out. Being the investigator I am �� I went on the dating app we met on (I'm invisible and had deleted it originally then half rewrote it again)

I noticed his profile came up. Not one for mincing words I rang him up and asked him about it. I basically said why are you on there if your telling you can't have a relationship at the moment. I said if for whatever reason you decided I wasn't right for you, tell me.

 

You're talking about commitment when he doesn't know you at all. Yes, that is talking about the future too much. You can disregard what I'm saying. No sweat off my brow. But I've interacted with dozens of women that come across like this. Men bolt. And the excuses he's giving you are just that, excuses. Men aren't that emotional. If we like a woman, we'll get over any past break ups fast. Men aren't like women in that regard. What he's giving you is an excuse to not hurt your feelings. Maybe keeping you on the back burner. But that's it.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean. But I'm telling you how men perceive these types of actions. If a woman analyzed my profile like that, my first reaction would be that she is way over invested and moving too fast for me. I would be so out of there. Now, maybe you stalk and confirm your intuition (which is telling you he's full of BS, and you're right), but telling him? I wouldn't do that.

 

What happens when you pursue someone that is not interested is you start liking them, not because of who they are, but because it's the old "wanting what you can't have", which men are just as susceptible too.

Edited November 30, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Melrose78]

I didn't talk future. He did. He kept talking about me coming over during the day and us going for runs together. He lives not far from my work. He was talking potential relationship, hence my commen. And I don't agree with guys moving on quickly to the next if they like her. It depends how deep the connection and feelings went. And the guy. You can't invest in a relationship if you realise you have unresolved issues. That's why rebounds happen.

 

And there was no stalking. I went on there not to find him. He's profile came up.

 

I don't take anything anyone says personally. It's people's perspective of a situation based on a post

 

My to send or not to send wasn't asking for advice on what's happened. It was to ask if it was worth sending or not. I have my point of view on the whole situation based on all the facts I have

As you have your opinion based on facts I've told you as well as what's being guessed. I love a good debate it's good to see other people's perspective on life.

Edited December 1, 2019 by Melrose78

[TheFinalWord]

There's no debate, because I don't care about winning.

 

Yes, you're right. You're not overly invested. He's probably also creating threads about you on forums, creating new dating profiles to "accidentally" find you, and sending letters filled with projection. You win

[john9999]

Hell yes. Send it. Too many times we are left trying to read between the lines.

This sure leaves no question.

[Melrose78]

There's no debate, because I don't care about winning.

 

Yes, you're right. You're not overly invested. He's probably also creating threads about you on forums, creating new dating profiles to "accidentally" find you, and sending letters filled with projection. You win

 

I can see why you name yourself the final word lol

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm waiting subconsciously for a guy I barely know...

 

"You're an amazing guy. I want your happiness more then anything else in the world."

 

Melrose, you've gotten some good feedback and it seems you've ended this R..

 

But, I just wanted to ask you how could the happiness of a guy you barely know be something you want more than anything else in the world?

[ExpatInItaly]

But, I just wanted to ask you how could the happiness of a guy you barely know be something you want more than anything else in the world?

 

I was going to ask the same thing, actually.

[Melrose78]

Anyone I know who suffering I want that for . It doesn't matter how much I know them. Why should it? It's called being a decent human being. Too many arseholes on this planet as it is