Best friends/bridesmaids ignore me whenever I talk about my wedding

[CaraGrace]

I'm getting married soon and it's going to be a rather private ceremony and dinner gathering with our family and relatives only. We have only invited a few of our childhood friends who will also be our bridesmaids and groomsmen. So I only have 2 bridesmaids, who are my best friends and we have a whatsapp chat group for years, and so during the past months I also update them about my wedding on the group. I know they're busy and the only thing that I really asked them to help with was to choose their dresses. I have planned and organised everything on my own. During these months, whenever I text them to ask for opinions or just share my feelings, I seldom get their replies right away. It can be after days when they finally text back, or just sending me emoji. Even on the day when I went to choose my wedding gown and sent them pic to ask for opinions, I didn't get their replies before I had to make a decision. Meanwhile we still talk about other stuffs on the group, but only when I bring out topics about my wedding that they don't really like to reply.

 

We did meet up a month ago when I went to the seamstress with them to alter their dresses, and I also took the chance to went through the event rundown with them. Everything seemed fine and I just hoped that things would go smoothly even though I have a feeling that they don't really care. Two days ago (only a week before my wedding), I sent them the final rundown and updated them details that I may not have told them before. I really am getting nervous and hope that they know their roles and what they're going to do and help with on that day. But now they still haven't texted back. I think no matter how busy they are, they could have just replied "noted with thanks". But nothing, nothing from them. I'm always the only one talking. I really don't know what they're thinking. I stopped texting because I don't want to feel like I'm pushing them, not to say that I am already fed up with their cold shoulders and slow replies for the past months, that I actually want to give up on them.

 

Honestly I could have found other more reliable friends whom I know from work to take this role, to really help me and support me on my wedding. But because I want to keep my wedding small and private, I didn't want to involve people I know from work cos it's a very big friend circle. And of course I thought I really want my 2 best friends to be my bridesmaid. But I am really upset about how cold they are, and how they show no interest at all and not caring about my feelings. Planning a wedding can be stressful. They never show any support. I think they don't see me as their best friend anymore.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is it possible they dislike your husband-to-be and don't really support the marriage? Are either of them married?

[preraph]

Your wedding isn't nearly as fascinating to other people as it is to yourself. Maybe you're talking to much about it and they're bored hearing about it. Skip the details altogether and just tell them what to wear and where to be and be sure they know who's paying for their dresses.

[basil67]

Is it these two women? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/691329-tired-being-only-one-maintain-our-friendship

[stillafool]

If they aren't already married could it be possible that they are just jealous?

[preraph]

I know when you're lucky enough to have old friends and new friends, it's hard to decide who to pick, especially when the new friend is more attentive than the old ones. Or when one lives nearby and the others don't so you rarely see them.

 

I guess it's too late to pick other ones now, so I still say just clam up about anything other then where and when they are to show up and be sure one of them doesn't have problem with the dress or paying for it. I always kind of thought the bride should pay for the bridesmaid's dresses if they pick them.

[CaraGrace]

Is it possible they dislike your husband-to-be and don't really support the marriage? Are either of them married?

 

I don't think so. One of them is married and her husband is my fiance's best friend, who will also be the best man.

[CaraGrace]

Is it these two women? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/691329-tired-being-only-one-maintain-our-friendship

 

Yes, I forgot I have written about them here before, but yes

[CaraGrace]

If they aren't already married could it be possible that they are just jealous?

 

One of them is married, and the other has a boyfriend too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

At first I was thinking that they might be single and jealous.

 

Another idea is if you're a detail person and they're more free-spirited or disorganized they might just not have it in them to talk about details.

 

When I've been in friends' weddings pretty much all I can remember discussing is the dress I was going to wear.

 

As preraph suggested, in your place I think I'd pretty much clam up about things since it seems they're not responding.

[CaraGrace]

I know when you're lucky enough to have old friends and new friends, it's hard to decide who to pick, especially when the new friend is more attentive than the old ones. Or when one lives nearby and the others don't so you rarely see them.

 

I guess it's too late to pick other ones now, so I still say just clam up about anything other then where and when they are to show up and be sure one of them doesn't have problem with the dress or paying for it. I always kind of thought the bride should pay for the bridesmaid's dresses if they pick them.

 

Actually I have tried not to involve them in anything other than where and when they are to show up and things that they have to help me with (I really do need someone to help with greeting the guests and some decoration things, and that's all I ask them to do). I paid for their dresses, I looked for and picked the dresses with them, I gave them opinions, I went to fitting with them, I went to seamstress with them, I arranged and paid for their hair & makeup... I think I really spent more time on their dresses than my own, but when I asked them for opinions about my dresses, they said nothing or only replied days later. I didn't have the time to wait for their replies before I had to make a decision and bought my dresses.

 

I don't know if I was talking too much about my wedding that they feel bored. But I wonder if they have ever felt not bored even at the very start. I did grumble a bit when some of my wedding vendors were not satisfactory, and when a bunch of relatives who were supposed to fly back for our wedding suddenly told us that they're not coming only 2 weeks before my wedding. I only talked to them about these things when I really felt helpless and needed some ideas or support. But I don't talk about my wedding like it's the most important thing on earth cos it isn't. It's just sometimes I really want their opinions and support.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel like 10 years from now you're gonna look back on this time in your life and be like, "Why did I have those selfish girls stand up for me??" You will move on to deeper and more considerate friendships, I think!

[CaraGrace]

At first I was thinking that they might be single and jealous.

 

Another idea is if you're a detail person and they're more free-spirited or disorganized they might just not have it in them to talk about details.

 

When I've been in friends' weddings pretty much all I can remember discussing is the dress I was going to wear.

 

As preraph suggested, in your place I think I'd pretty much clam up about things since it seems they're not responding.

 

It could be... I do plan everything in detail, maybe because I'm too used to doing so for my job cos I organize events for celebrities and press which require me to be very detail-oriented. Maybe to them it's not necessary, but I also do so because honestly I think I can't trust them when they don't respond and I don't know if they really understand what's happening, so I write everything down for them... One of them is married and she actually was more demanding than I on many things. She looked for so many venue vendors and tried on so many wedding gowns, and keep grumbling about how they're not good enough. I picked my venue without a second thought and I only tried on like 10 wedding gowns and I made up my mind, and I didn't bother them on any of these, I only sent them pic of the final 2 wedding gowns which I had to pick one... I think she should understand a bride's mentality and that I really don't make a fuss about everything like she did already.

 

But yes, I clam up now after I have sent them the final rundown. I won't talk about it anymore even though I don't know if they know what's going to happen. They can follow the rundown or they can just do whatever they want. I really have had enough of it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So sorry, CaraGrace! You sound quite reasonable to me.

 

Some people (is all I can say!)

 

I have a friend who will answer a text anywhere from two days to a week after I send it. But, when she sends one to me she expects an answer right away.

 

Neither of us texts the other much so I just live with her late texts and continue to answer her timely as I do everyone else. My friend is also disorganized and chaotic in personality, though she gets lots done!

 

You can be sure your friends treat others same as they're treating you. People do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

[K.K.]

They’re probably bored out of their minds and sick of hearing about it. Even if they were, they should be honored to be chosen by you on your special day. The least they could do is try to help and be happy for you.

 

Sunshine stealers.

 

I hate this sort of “friend”.

 

Either that or you’re a bridezilla and you don’t come across that way to me. I’m sorry this is happening. Sooner or later you’re going to have to ask them what the deal is.

[MsJayne]

Going by this and your last post on it, sounds like they're not into your wedding at all, and maybe there's an element of jealousy in there. The fact that they're not responding to your messages for days comes across as passive-aggression to me. Are you sure these girls are your friends? Ignoring you when you asked for help on picking a dress is just really bitchy and reeks of jealousy.

I'm wondering whether your fiance is aware of how you're feeling towards these women. Being as he's best friends with one of their husbands I assume the husband is going to be best man. So, I say make a nice thank you speech at your wedding, and thank your best man, parents, and any other wedding party members, but make sure you don't waste breath thanking these so-called best friends, because I have a feeling they're tearing you down behind your back. I hope you have a fabulous day despite having the Ugly Sisters as bridesmaids.

[CaraGrace]

I feel like 10 years from now you're gonna look back on this time in your life and be like, "Why did I have those selfish girls stand up for me??" You will move on to deeper and more considerate friendships, I think!

 

I don't know.. maybe it's just me trying to hang on with these friendships cos I think we've known for so many years and we are still in touch. It's not essy. But perhaps I really should move on cos I think that they don't view our friendship the same way as I do. I think they care about their other friends more, and turn to their other friends when they are in need too. We don't really share common ground since we went to different colleages and have very different careers. I also don't want to think that they are jealous of me but looking back at all those years since we are at school, I do get more attention from boys and I think sometimes they don't really want to be around me. I think they don't like the idea of me being the center of attentions. There was one time when we celebrated the birthday of one of them, we were sitting at a round table and when we asked the waiter to help take photo of us and we moved around and I was in the middle (not my intention), then one of them said, "oh look who's the birthday girl now and you are sitting in the middle."... I was like, what? If you move the other way then the birthday girl would be in the middle why is it my fault? So sometimes I do sense some sort of jealousy but I tried not to overthink it. But now I think it makes sense.

[CaraGrace]

Going by this and your last post on it, sounds like they're not into your wedding at all, and maybe there's an element of jealousy in there. The fact that they're not responding to your messages for days comes across as passive-aggression to me. Are you sure these girls are your friends? Ignoring you when you asked for help on picking a dress is just really bitchy and reeks of jealousy.

I'm wondering whether your fiance is aware of how you're feeling towards these women. Being as he's best friends with one of their husbands I assume the husband is going to be best man. So, I say make a nice thank you speech at your wedding, and thank your best man, parents, and any other wedding party members, but make sure you don't waste breath thanking these so-called best friends, because I have a feeling they're tearing you down behind your back. I hope you have a fabulous day despite having the Ugly Sisters as bridesmaids.

 

After reading your words I take a look at the jealousy issue and perhaps it's been there for all these years (see my last reply). My fiance knows I am upset about the situation cos actually a few months ago, I broke down and cried in front of him because of this... i really was stressed out over some issues with some wedding vendors and want them to be my listener. But luckily I can still talk to my fiance and I think everything will eventually work out...

[CaraGrace]

So sorry, CaraGrace! You sound quite reasonable to me.

 

Some people (is all I can say!)

 

I have a friend who will answer a text anywhere from two days to a week after I send it. But, when she sends one to me she expects an answer right away.

 

Neither of us texts the other much so I just live with her late texts and continue to answer her timely as I do everyone else. My friend is also disorganized and chaotic in personality, though she gets lots done!

 

You can be sure your friends treat others same as they're treating you. People do what they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

 

I also answer my friend's messages timely, even when I am really too busy I would send them a short message telling them I am in the middle of sth. and will reply when I have time later. I just want to let ppl know that I am here to listen and I don't want to simply ignore someone's message cos it's just rude. Of course there are also ppl that I don't reply right away or even ignore, those ppl I don't consider as friends. So when my 2 "best friends" do this to me I think I am just not important to them anymore. Perhaps, as you say, that's the way they are and they treat others the same way. But in their cases I really doubt. Last year, one of them had a friend who was invited to be the maid of honor on someone's wedding, and her friend had a issue with the bride over the bridesmaid dress because her friend didn't like it, while the bride insisted that her friend had to wear it. She cared so much about her friend's feeling that they talked about it for so long and even told me the whole story, sent me pic of the dress etc... while I don't even know her friend, I showed my empathy and discussed with her on how her friend could deal with the bride.... I mean, I cared about her friend, whom I don't know in person, because she was so concerned about it. I responded to her even though I have nothing to do with it, just because if she sent me messages or called me to talk about it, that means she wanted a listener and I wouldn't ignore her.... So seeing how she reacted to her friend being someone's maid of honor v.s. now she IS the maid the honor... I wonder how much she really cares about me... (p.s. because of her friend's story, I let my bridesmaid choose whatever dress and colour they want and I paid for it, now their dresses are of different style and colour and I don't really mind as long as they like it cos they are the ones wearing it.... I think I have done my best to avoid any drama or hurting their feelings but still... I can't even have a listener when I need one...)

[todreaminblue]

IM sorry caragrace your friends are not excited for you....maybe they are jealous maybe really busy or have had something happen....if it were me i would ask was there anything wrong or if i had offended them...i would ask if they were ok ....i would tell them how i felt and be honest with them.....honesty and openness makes for the best of friendships....thats how best friends roll....your friends may have no idea how you are really feeling

 

tell them exactly how you are feeling...nervous in need of support and a little tlc from a friend....a little reassurance ...you want to feel they are in it for all the best friend reasons....ride or die...

 

if they dont want to roll with you and support you on your wedding day......like good rollers would.. i would tell them to bagel off ...or to sandwich you in when they could spare the butter....kidding im hungry ....bread is my fave...

 

anyhoo..

 

yay for you caragrace you are getting married to the love of your life....dont let these eggs spoil your special intimate day.... think about two ring ins for your day...and you keep your upcoming nuptials as worry free as possible...dont sweat on people who dont care.......save your sweat for those who matter ...you and your intended....you and yours together on a very special day that cant be spoiled by eggs or bad rolls.....maybe consider flower girls instead of brides maids....any possible flower girls.....where theres a will theres always a way......you will find your way to the nuptials and beyond.... and it will be truly glorious...best wishes for you and yours.......deb

[stillafool]

Personally, considering your other thread about these friends I'm very surprised that you would ask them to be in your wedding. People grow up and apart and it doesn't seem like they have wanted to continue the friendship but you keep hanging on. I would have asked people who are closer to me at this point in my life (new friends) to be in my wedding. Those women no longer feel close to you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

After reading your last post, CaraGrace, I'm seeing things a little more clearly. I haven't read your other thread.

 

It does seem these friends are treating you differently than their other friends.

 

I encourage you to make every effort to realize their immaturity and try to move past it, meaning to set it aside emotionally as best you can and enjoy your wedding.

 

If there is anyone at all invited to your wedding that you feel closer to (I know it's a small wedding but is it too late to invite a new friend?) perhaps you can confide in that person about anything you'd ordinarily share with your two old friends. Can't recall when the wedding is.

 

It seems this means so much to you which I'm not faulting you for and is understandable.

 

Why not invite a new friend who has shown she's a genuinely caring person and give that friend an honored task in the wedding?

 

You could tell the person that though your wedding is very small that as time has gone by in the planning of it you've realized you'd like to have the person at your wedding. Because it seems from your writing you truly are realizing how much you value your new friendships.

 

If you are honest and open about it, and your new friend(s) are authentic people they will understand as you explain and will probably be there for you.

 

I know someone (not me) who is one of the most caring people in the world. One of her friends she grew up with slighted her and even began to pick on her some for years. After the friend was grown the person who had slighted her had done some maturing and apologized to my friend. She has become a very supportive person in many ways in my friend's life at this point and goes way beyond "the call of duty" to support.

 

So, your friends may come around later in life to be there for you. Seems at this point immaturity is causing some issues with them.

 

I hope you can get a new friend or two to be at your wedding. Or at least you can confide in new friends about details of your wedding. Surely they will understand it's a tiny wedding is why they aren't invited.

[preraph]

i really was stressed out over some issues with some wedding vendors and want them to be my listener. But luckily I can still talk to my fiance and I think everything will eventually work out...

 

Not many people are going to want to take the time to get involved in those type details. It's just not fun. This is strictly for you and your fiance and your moms.

[Watercolors]

My sister doesn't even talk to her former bridesmaids anymore. I get that you were venting to yours, and maybe that's why they've distanced themselves from you because the role of a bridesmaid is to be supportive, but not to the point where their friend the bride is whining about her wedding to them 24/7. My sister didn't do that. She whined to her fiance and to her family and kept her bridesmaids out of the loop. Still, she lost contact with them after she got married.

 

Maybe stop talking to your bridesmaids about all the details of your wedding and give them a break. Let them enjoy their role of supporting you vs. "supporting" you.

[CaraGrace]

On 11/28/2019 at 3:40 AM, Watercolors said:

My sister doesn't even talk to her former bridesmaids anymore. I get that you were venting to yours, and maybe that's why they've distanced themselves from you because the role of a bridesmaid is to be supportive, but not to the point where their friend the bride is whining about her wedding to them 24/7. My sister didn't do that. She whined to her fiance and to her family and kept her bridesmaids out of the loop. Still, she lost contact with them after she got married.

 

Maybe stop talking to your bridesmaids about all the details of your wedding and give them a break. Let them enjoy their role of supporting you vs. "supporting" you.

I don't think I was whining to them 24/7... Sometimes I just asked them for opinions like which wedding gown was better... I think the number of times I brought up topics about my wedding throughout the past year was less than 5 times, and the only time that they did respond promptly was when I asked them which bridesmaid dresses they wanted, and asked them to meet up for fitting and alteration. So I just stopped asking them for opinions and only sent them rundown a month before my wedding, and they were not responding. Now I think I just chose the wrong persons to be my bridesmaids, they don't seem to be the type that want to take up duties. Now my wedding is over and I can say that. They were out of sight when I needed help, and no one was even there to hold and give me back my bouquet during the ceremony and when I marched out. I just don't know what they want. I had asked them, after sending them the rundown, whether they thought there were too much for them to handle. If so I could just find a way to simplify it, or asked my sister or my husband's sister to do some of their jobs (but actually all they had to do was some decorations, and to greet the guests and help me with my dress and bouquet during the ceremony). But they never said anything about it. I didn't know what they think. And then turned out they were not doing what they were supposed to...