Tired of being the only one to maintain our friendship

[CaraGrace]

I have two best friends (let me name them Alice & Margo here) whom I've known for 20 years since we were at school. Certainly we're hanging out less after we have starting working, dating, etc. In recent 10 years or so, we only hang out 3 times a year - having dinner to celebrate each of our birthdays.

 

It's not like we all think birthday is an important day, but it just seems that everyone is always SO BUSY that if there is not a specific reason (birthday), we shouldn't even meet. And it is always me who ask them when we should meet up, like if I don't initiate it, they would never do. And we still keep our little tradition of buying each other a birthday gift just like when we were little.

 

I'm actually very excited to meet them for the "birthday dinner", though it usually only take place weeks after the actual birthday since everyone is SO BUSY. And usually I start to look for birthday gift 1 or 2 months ahead. But it has been like 2 or 3 times, when I have bought a gift for Alice and asked Margo what she would buy, she would say she hasn't shopped for the gift yet. Reason would be either she is too busy or she doesn't know what to buy. So I'd offer to buy some more thing and make it like we shopped for the gifts together, and all she has to do is to pay me back her share.

 

Not only does she not having time or the heart to shop for gifts, she also doesn't remember our birthdays and doesn't even send a "Happy Birthday" message in the whatsapp group we share. It's always me who say it first in the group, which kind of acts like a reminder for her. So it was Alice's birthday 2 days ago, and as usual Margo didn't shop for her gift and relied on me to do so. I intentionally didn't send "Happy Birthday" message in our group, but only send it to Alice directly instead. So without my "reminder", Margo clearly forgot and didn't send any message. Until today, I asked in the group when we should meet up for Alice's birthday dinner, Margo has since realized and sent a belated birthday message to Alice. I'm sure if I didn't ask about the birthday dinner in the group, she would not remember Alice's birthday has passed.

 

 

They are always busy even though they are having a 9 to 5 kind of job, while since I work in the showbiz I work irregular hours and even on holidays, but I still manage to keep them in mind, ask them out and meet up. And I know even if they are "busy", they always have time for their boyfriends. I'm not saying that it's wrong to prioritize your boyfriend, since I do the same too. But while we're already seeing our boyfriends from time to time, why is it so hard to stop seeing him just for one day and go meet up with your friends?

 

Back on those days when I was too busy to meet them, I was also too busy to meet my boyfriend, because I was working 7 days a week. That is what I call "being too busy to meet up", instead of actually giving all my time to my boyfriend but no time to my friends. You can always find time, or make time.

 

I'm feeling so tired of being the only one to initiate everything, to ask if we should meet, always getting answers like "I'm very busy, I may not have time..." like I have to beg them to squeeze some time to meet up.

Edited October 10, 2019 by CaraGrace

[MsJayne]

These people are just self-absorbed and ill-mannered. To forget the special days of people you supposedly care about, especially if there's a bit of tradition and long friendship involved, is just plain rude. As for the "I'm so busy" BS that people come out with, pfft. I used to have a "friend" who always said that , and the truth was that she often was busy... busy sitting on her backside drinking coffee and droning on about how busy she is, and when she met a guy she liked she wasn't too busy to be stalking him at the local pub every weekend. Women who ditch their girlfriends almost completely, because of a man, aren't worth having as friends no matter how long the friendship.

My advice is to just drop these two, and don't even bother letting them know you're dropping them. If they want to continue the friendship make them put some effort in, and if they don't it's no real loss to your life.

[CaraGrace]

These people are just self-absorbed and ill-mannered. To forget the special days of people you supposedly care about, especially if there's a bit of tradition and long friendship involved, is just plain rude. As for the "I'm so busy" BS that people come out with, pfft. I used to have a "friend" who always said that , and the truth was that she often was busy... busy sitting on her backside drinking coffee and droning on about how busy she is, and when she met a guy she liked she wasn't too busy to be stalking him at the local pub every weekend. Women who ditch their girlfriends almost completely, because of a man, aren't worth having as friends no matter how long the friendship.

My advice is to just drop these two, and don't even bother letting them know you're dropping them. If they want to continue the friendship make them put some effort in, and if they don't it's no real loss to your life.

 

Thanks for your advice. I have indeed started to send less messages and give less reply in the group. But actually Margo rarely participate in the conversation in the group, it is usually only Alice and I talking, so I think she won't sense much different if I stop texting them.. And actually, there is one more thing... I'm getting married next month, and Margo is my maid of honor while Alice is the bridesmaid. So the fact that Margo never really replies my messages even it's something about my wedding really upset me. She only replied, though still quite slowly, when it was about choosing her dress. But now, I've stopped talking about anything about my wedding in the group for some months, and they never really ask anything. I mean, even though I don't need them to help me on planning and organizing anything, they still have to know what they are responsible for, and the rundown of that day. So now I just wonder, if I don't say anything anymore, would they care enough to ask... I don't know...

[RoseyViolet]

It sounds like you are doing most of the effort in initiating all the contact and getting together, making them a priority. Perhaps communicating your unease over feeling like you are doing all the inviting, reminding and setting everything up to keep the flame of friendship alive. Maybe offering other suggestions for pre-setting appointed times on all of your calendars so each of you agrees to work around the dates no matter what life throws your way. Or perhaps letting one of the others take the lead on setting everything up? Or offer to quarterly get together, not at birthday celebrations... or not get together at all. Maybe all of you going out as couples with their boyfriends and yours?

It's hard when life changes and we let busy times get in the way of old friendships. I read a great book a long time ago called, The Five Love Languages, which describes what types of love there are and how to discern what your type and others are for giving and receiving love. It is very telling to understand what means a lot to you and others and how to show love in the way that others like to be loved. Acts of kindness, gifts, words...etc... perhaps you all could figure out what each other's love triggers are and communicate to them in their language. It could be quite enlightening for you all. Good luck in your endeavors my friend!

[preraph]

If that one friend who forgets everything doesn't care enough to remember, then why is she even still showing up? I've gone through similar with my best friend. Everyone except her the last two years remembered my birthday, at least with a card. Their excuse is always they're busy, like everyone isn't busy! She can surely put a reminder on her phone. Jeez. I find it insulting when people use the "busy" or "exhausted" excuse. We're all freaking busy and exhausted and yet some of us are organized and care enough to be sure we remember.

 

Don't cover for that friend anymore. Just don't. She's lazy.

 

I have one friend that (we're old) now she has a bf, I never see her regularly anymore, only on her bd and mine, and this year I asked her if she just wants to stop doing it because I really thought she'd take me up on it. I mean, we don't even email much and she doesn't even regularly check her email or texts. But she said she looks forward to it and wants to keep doing it, so that made me feel good.

[CaraGrace]

It sounds like you are doing most of the effort in initiating all the contact and getting together, making them a priority. Perhaps communicating your unease over feeling like you are doing all the inviting, reminding and setting everything up to keep the flame of friendship alive. Maybe offering other suggestions for pre-setting appointed times on all of your calendars so each of you agrees to work around the dates no matter what life throws your way. Or perhaps letting one of the others take the lead on setting everything up? Or offer to quarterly get together, not at birthday celebrations... or not get together at all. Maybe all of you going out as couples with their boyfriends and yours?

It's hard when life changes and we let busy times get in the way of old friendships. I read a great book a long time ago called, The Five Love Languages, which describes what types of love there are and how to discern what your type and others are for giving and receiving love. It is very telling to understand what means a lot to you and others and how to show love in the way that others like to be loved. Acts of kindness, gifts, words...etc... perhaps you all could figure out what each other's love triggers are and communicate to them in their language. It could be quite enlightening for you all. Good luck in your endeavors my friend!

 

Thanks a lot for all your positive advice. Communication is key. And I'm sure they don't know I'm upset cos I never tell them. I also have some self-reflection and think that maybe I talk about myself too often. I'm the one who would text them when I feel happy or sad, and I always send long messages to give them (too much) details. I know it could be annoying especially when they're busy. Actually if they keep texting me telling me what's going on with them, either happy or sad things, I'd be happy to know all the details, and to talk with them or give opinions if they need, even when I'm busy. I want to share my stories and I hope they would too. But obviously they don't like to share theirs, maybe they have better friends to talk to. I think I'm not communicating to them in their language. I'd just give them space, and I'd also learn to be my own companion.

 

It's not like I'm not taking your advice, they are very good advice, but I think I'd just take a break for now. If I suddenly raise out questions or give them suggestions on how to maintain our friendship, they would be annoyed or think that I'm forcing them to take up responsibilities, cos they are not the type who like to take the lead and to make decisions. They can't even decide where to go or what to eat whenever we meet up, and they would always ask me. That's why I'm always the one who takes initiative in almost everything. But I will bear your advice in mind, thank you so much!

[CaraGrace]

If that one friend who forgets everything doesn't care enough to remember, then why is she even still showing up? I've gone through similar with my best friend. Everyone except her the last two years remembered my birthday, at least with a card. Their excuse is always they're busy, like everyone isn't busy! She can surely put a reminder on her phone. Jeez. I find it insulting when people use the "busy" or "exhausted" excuse. We're all freaking busy and exhausted and yet some of us are organized and care enough to be sure we remember.

 

Don't cover for that friend anymore. Just don't. She's lazy.

 

I have one friend that (we're old) now she has a bf, I never see her regularly anymore, only on her bd and mine, and this year I asked her if she just wants to stop doing it because I really thought she'd take me up on it. I mean, we don't even email much and she doesn't even regularly check her email or texts. But she said she looks forward to it and wants to keep doing it, so that made me feel good.

 

Hi, I actually read your post about your best friend forgetting your birthday. In fact, I don't really care about birthdays, but I understand why you're upset. But the fact that she has kids can be an "understandable" reason, since most women only care about their kids once they become a mother. My sister is an example. And I also have a friend who recently became a mum, she invited me to her home, asked me to buy food while I was on my way, and then let me wait at her door for 15 min before she came open the door for me, because she was preparing food for her baby. That's another story. But mums are like that. I hope that's the reason your friend forgets about your birthday, because putting her only kids on tip of everything else actually makes sense, and that doesn't mean that you're not important, but fact is nothing can be more important than your own kids, really.

 

And honestly, I don't mind if my friends don't remember my birthday because even I don't celebrate my own birthday. But this birthday thing that I posted about is just one of the examples of how I'm doing all I can to maintain this friendship, but they, especially Margo, doesn't seem to give a little bit of her time and heart on. Yes, she is lazy, and she doesn't like to make decisions and take responsibilities. So it's best that I make all decisions for her, including buying a gift for Alice. I care about this "birthday dinner" and "gift-buying" thing because "birthday" has become the only valid reason for me ask them out, and for them to spare a few hours of their precious time to meet up. I do hope we can meet just any time when we think of each other. I mean, it doesn't have to be someone's birthday when you remember him/her, send her a message, give her a call, and to meet up. It can be any day. It can be as often as possible, not just 3 times a year.

 

I have a guy friend whom I've known for around 12 years I think (I've known Alice and Margo for 20 years). I've never considered him as important as Alice and Margo. But only recently, especially when the girls are not asking me any questions about my wedding even when they're the maid of honor and bridesmaid, that I realized my guy friend is actually a better friend than they are. He asks me from time to time how my wedding planning's going, cos indeed he knows girls tend to freak out and stress out about wedding. And actually for all these years we've been friends, we don't need a reason to meet up. We do also meet up for "birthday dinners", but we also meet up just whenever we think of each other. It's like suddenly he would text me and ask if I'm busy recently (and vice versa), and then we will fix a day to meet up for a drink and dinner. Even if one of us is too busy to hang out when we text each other, we would still fix a day to meet up, say a month later when the project in hand would be finished. But while with the girls, when one of them says she's busy, that's the end of conversation, none of them would care enough to really think about when they will be less busy and fix a day to meet up by then. I think it shows how much you really want to meet. If you really treasure the chance of and look forward to seeing each other, you can always find a way, right?

[preraph]

Kids are no excuse not to get a birthday card in the mail or put a reminder and at least send a happy birthday text or something. To be someone's best friend comes with a little responsibility and she always says I'm her best friend. Two months before my birthday was her birthday. Seems like if she can't remember when mine is, that would have been the perfect time to ask. I took her to lunch and gave her her present (boots). She's had time for her birthday. Just sayin'. I'm just tired of the lame excuses. Everyone is busy.

[Foxhall]

Its like Belbin's team roles- everyone brings different attributes to the group, you essentially are the co-ordinator- you like to organise and plan, you have a kind heart and are motivated by keeping the friendships going,

 

I share your frustration at the others not rowing with you as much, they are evidently not as good at the whole planning of events,

 

you may have to simply put up with this and keep harmony if you want to maintain the friendships, perhaps your friends bring other attributes, such as when you all eventually do meet up you have a great evening together,

[CaraGrace]

Kids are no excuse not to get a birthday card in the mail or put a reminder and at least send a happy birthday text or something. To be someone's best friend comes with a little responsibility and she always says I'm her best friend. Two months before my birthday was her birthday. Seems like if she can't remember when mine is, that would have been the perfect time to ask. I took her to lunch and gave her her present (boots). She's had time for her birthday. Just sayin'. I'm just tired of the lame excuses. Everyone is busy.

 

So what did you do at last? I didn't read through all the threads in your previous post. Yes, this is really tiring, to be the only who keeps everybody in mind but gets no attention in return. In my case, I decided not to initiate any conversation in the group from now on. I did ask them when we would meet up for Alice's birthday dinner 2 days ago, we came up with some dates but then I haven't replied. Usually I would be the one to confirm the date with them, suggest where to go, which restaurant to dine at, etc.. This time I decided to hands off from all these and see how it goes. I'm really tired of make decisions for them, raising out ideas but then wait for their replies. I don't want to do it anymore...

 

I have no difficulty in remembering people's birthdays, but of course I only remember those ppl. that I care about. But it's not surprising that some ppl. are really bad at it, say the guy friend I mentioned above, he has difficulty in remembering my birthday for the past 12 years, but I don't really mind. Sometimes he only remembers like weeks after, sometimes he would ask whether my birthday is coming.. he remembers the month but not the date. But I'm not really bad at him, cos from time to time he would message me and check me up. I know he cares about me. And that's enough.

 

So I don't know how close you're with your friend now, though you both see each other as best friend. But things change over the years. To me Alice and Margo are my best friends too, but now I doubt where they put me on their list. Do you text or talk to your friend other than on her birthday? Does she also give you cold shoulder from time to time? I think we should show love and how much we care about each other on any day, not only or specifically on birthdays. I did my part, I text the girls every now and then, but they don't have much response, and they also don't update me about what's up with them. So I guess I'd just let it be. How's the situation with you and your friend now?

[CaraGrace]

Its like Belbin's team roles- everyone brings different attributes to the group, you essentially are the co-ordinator- you like to organise and plan, you have a kind heart and are motivated by keeping the friendships going,

 

I share your frustration at the others not rowing with you as much, they are evidently not as good at the whole planning of events,

 

you may have to simply put up with this and keep harmony if you want to maintain the friendships, perhaps your friends bring other attributes, such as when you all eventually do meet up you have a great evening together,

 

I hope so, but I don't meet them enough to know what attributes they bring into it. 3 times a year when we meet, a few hours each time... I don't know... and Margo is always caught up with texting with her boyfriend, and leave early to meet her boyfriend. So when we meet so rarely to talk face to face, texting become the only way that we can really update each other about how we've been lately, but they don't even do that. I won't start any fight or argument with them on this, but I'd just want to take a break on co-ordinating. But thank you for your opinions indeed. I'd just let it flow...