Husband keeps bringing up sexual past

[elaine567]

it is not about honesty

it is about preventing retro active jealousy which has destroyed many

relationships and marriages

 

Exactly.

Few people have the type of personality to be able to discuss their partners past sexual relationships in detail, without getting" a bit peeved", or developing some insecurity complex or start suffering from actual retroactive jealousy.

 

Men and women tend to get a bit territorial round their partner, they want to be seen as "the one", the "best", the "love of their life".

They don't want to go into any detail, that tells them that they are just one in a long line and that A was better looking, B was better in bed or C was so much fun or D was the one that got away... etc. etc.

That tends to take the shine off and leaves everything looking a bit dull and lack lustre.

 

Honesty has its place but when honesty about the past only serves to "ruin" us, then the past is best left well alone.

Live for the moment.

 

There are no guarantees.

A low number/virginal person can feel they missed out and want to relive their youth by sleeping around, a promiscuous person can get bored of ever changing variety and want to be faithful and true.

A person can cheat on one individual and be loyal to the next...

A low number can be a sign of a dearth of opportunity, not a sign of inherent "goodness".

One needs to look at the whole person and not get mired in assumptions around their "number".

If you cannot handle the truth then best not to ask, make your assessment based on other parameters.

[DKT3]

the number of partners has no bearing on how faithful a wife will be

and how good of a wife and mother she will be

 

The reason that the number is high has bearing.

 

Some women have high numbers simply because they are young sexual and enjoy it. However many have unhealthy reasons, those reasons make those women dangerous partners. Unfortunately for those with a healthy sexual past, those that are unhealthy shape the majority opinion on high numbers.

 

As to your second post, it is all about honesty. Reason being, if she is honest and the relationship moves forward then she has a man who can accept her past. Pretty simple stuff really. If a man cant accept her past then she can move on not invest in him or mislead him into a relationship that with the truth he wouldn't choose.

[elaine567]

Anyone with a high or low number can have an "unhealthy" reason for the number surely?

 

The OP's husband is a case in point.

He has a low number not because he has a healthy attitude to sex, but because he couldn't attract the women he wanted.

Had he been a Don Juan with the ladies his number could have been in double or triple digits...

His issue now, is due to his low number.

[Kitty Tantrum]

What happens with both genders is we hide or mislead them in certain areas of our lives, information which usually drips out over the course of a relationship only to find that this person doesn't accept ones past which I gather is what happened here.

... it is all about honesty. Reason being, if she is honest and the relationship moves forward then she has a man who can accept her past. Pretty simple stuff really. If a man cant accept her past then she can move on not invest in him or mislead him into a relationship that with the truth he wouldn't choose.

 

Except that, as it's been laid out here (best as I can discern), he asked her a question about her sexual history before they were married, and she DID answer honestly - and he was upset at the time but decided to marry her anyway - but now uses her sexual past as a weapon against her in arguments that are apparently entirely unrelated to that matter.

 

That's not her lying about or hiding her past initially and then trickle-truthing it later.

 

Sure seems like HIM making the decision to marry her not because he ACCEPTS her past, but because he thought he could use it to gain power in the relationship. THAT is wrong. That is, in fact, textbook emotional abuse.

[IslandSanctuary]

Yes and it is also a myth that "women" are all highly attracted to men that act like "sluts".

Some women are, just like some men are highly attracted to promiscuous women, but it is often their looks that are attractive, NOT the fact their number is in double/triple figures and counting...

 

I dont think women are attracted to male sluts - but they definitely appreciate and are attracted to experience and confidence. A guy with 100+ sexual partners with a loose attitude is extreme.

 

Women definitely dont go for virgin guys that dont know what they are doing - men do though.

[elaine567]

Women definitely dont go for virgin guys that dont know what they are doing - men do though.

 

Men do not go for older virgins either.

Virginal due to youth is acceptable and attractive, virginal due to all the hangups usually associated with older virgins is not attractive.

Young women see no problem with an 18yo virgin, everyone learns by experience, no big deal.

Tackling a 23+yo virgin is a big deal as the reason they are still a virgin is the main problem, not the fact they are a virgin.

 

Sex it is not rocket science.

Male "experience" with loads of women is usually lauded by other men, but hardly necessary, it is quality that matters to women not quantity at the end of the day.

[4fin]

There's a lot I don't buy into on the numbers deal which is why I never counted until my wife asked if I wanted to know her number. Relating numbers of partners to experience is misleading. I would wager it is much easier to get far greater experience with a couple of partners than it ever would be with 100 or 1000. If you keep hopping from 1 partner to another how are you ever going to figure out what they are into while you are taking far more risks? I just don't see the correlation. My wife is actually ashamed of her number which is almost double mine. What amazes me most about the amount of partners she had is that many passed up on a serious relationship with her. That's by far the most alarming part for me.

 

There's also the reason her number is high is her first sexual experience was being date raped. I don't count that one and see many of the experiences as her working past it. Some women have fewer partners who were in the same situation. I get it means something to some people but not to me in my situation. This issue should be dead by the time anyone decides to marry.

[DKT3]

Except that, as it's been laid out here (best as I can discern), he asked her a question about her sexual history before they were married, and she DID answer honestly - and he was upset at the time but decided to marry her anyway - but now uses her sexual past as a weapon against her in arguments that are apparently entirely unrelated to that matter.

 

That's not her lying about or hiding her past initially and then trickle-truthing it later.

 

Sure seems like HIM making the decision to marry her not because he ACCEPTS her past, but because he thought he could use it to gain power in the relationship. THAT is wrong. That is, in fact, textbook emotional abuse.

 

Nope, if you go back and read she has never been completely upfront and the information as slowly come out through the 4 years. And she admitted to this day he doesn't have all the information.

 

As this information drips, I'm sure he is thinking to himself who is this woman.

 

I know it's easy for our female posters to want to make this his issue. But sadly it's far too common for women to mislead men about their sexual histories. Simply put, why would any woman choose a man who doesn't accept it, and by it I mean all of it. If he never asks that's one thing.

[understand50]

I think there are two things going on here.

 

1) He uses her sexual past as a cudgel in arguments. Using any thing from someone past that was supposed to be settle in present arguments, is a large indicator of a coming divorce. I am sure, those that have stayed with a spouse who has cheated, know that to reconcile, one must not keep throwing their transgressions back at them. Unless, of course, it is jermaine to the conversation at hand. This is true of any past action that was dealt with. One does not need past actions brought up, after the issues have been settled.

 

2) The other part, is that he has a issue with the number of past sexual partners. OK, he will have to work though this, but For me, the best way is to have him have all the facts he needs, and after a set time, if it get resolved, it gets buried. IF he cannot do this, then the OP will have some decisions to make. In many ways, he is going to have to grow up, and decide to live in the present, and not in the reality of his own making. More common then one mite suppose.

 

I wish them luck

[mark clemson]

Relating numbers of partners to experience is misleading. I would wager it is much easier to get far greater experience with a couple of partners than it ever would be with 100 or 1000. If you keep hopping from 1 partner to another...

 

A valid point even if it's a bit tangential.

 

I had a friend in my 20's who'd had far more partners than me. He would sometimes brag "I've forgotten more sex that you'll ever even remember."

 

At some point it occurred to me that the opposite was actually true, since I had several 6 month to 1 year+ GFs over the years, and sex approximately 3-5 times a week, sometimes more, with many of them, whereas he'd had mostly ONS/hookups and weekend flings.

 

He shut up after I pointed this out to him.

[elaine567]

But sadly it's far too common for women to mislead men about their sexual histories.

 

And why do you honestly think that is?

[DKT3]

Two reasons in my opinion. 1 is they fear judgement. 2 and more prevailing, they are ashamed of it.

 

I have known a large number of women who have voice regrets about their sexual past. However, pretending that it didnt happen or misleading partners dont make it go away or mean it didn't really happen.

 

I think in a lot of cases these women project their shame and displeasure with their history onto potential partners not accepting it or judging them for it.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Nope, if you go back and read she has never been completely upfront and the information as slowly come out through the 4 years. And she admitted to this day he doesn't have all the information.

 

As this information drips, I'm sure he is thinking to himself who is this woman.

 

I know it's easy for our female posters to want to make this his issue. But sadly it's far too common for women to mislead men about their sexual histories. Simply put, why would any woman choose a man who doesn't accept it, and by it I mean all of it. If he never asks that's one thing.

 

From what I can see (unless I missed something), it seems like she's answered the questions he's asked - just not volunteered anything he didn't ask about.

 

So why didn't he ASK? That's what I'm getting at.

 

Is every person who gets into a relationship supposed to volunteer a detailed report of everyone they've had sex with previously, up-front?

 

Lots of people don't WANT to know. Would rather NOT know. How is one to know whether they should push that information voluntarily, or wait until they're asked for it?

 

Don't you think that the person who wants the information has any responsibility to request that information on a timeline that is conducive to effective decision-making?

 

It doesn't seem to me like she lied or misled him or hid anything. Of course that does happen a lot, but I'm not convinced that's the OP's situation.

 

She should have volunteered more? He should have asked more? Somewhere in between?

 

My situation with my first husband was somewhat similar in principle. I was a virgin, totally inexperienced. He let me believe that he was, too. It eventually came out that he'd done quite a lot more things with his previous girlfriend than he'd let on, eventually admitting that they'd done oral on each other, etc. He's always claimed they never had intercourse, but by the time we divorced I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that was a lie.

 

But the thing is: I never directly and pointedly ASKED HIM until after we were married.

 

So I know exactly how difficult that trickle-truthing can be, but I also have to acknowledge and point out that that I had at least part of the responsibility in that situation. It wasn't fair of me at all to not ask about it before we married, and then to feel hurt and begin an Inquisition when I began to understand that my ASSUMPTIONS were wrong.

 

How was he supposed to correct my assumptions when I never stated them clearly, never asked for clarification?

 

Without me asking, when was HE supposed to bring it up? He wasn't hiding it from me because he thought I'd disqualify him (I wouldn't have), he wasn't lying - he just never volunteered the information I didn't ask for. I blame that man for a lot of things, but I can't blame him for that. Talking about sex is awkward and hard for most people.

 

Most people dance around the issue instead of addressing it directly. Seems like that's what happened here - not that she was deliberately pulling the wool over his eyes.

[preraph]

No women I know from my generation are ashamed of it. If they have an uptight judgmental spouse or bf, they may be ashamed of that, though.

[DKT3]

No they are ashamed. Anyone that lies hides or misleads people about thier actions and behavior it's because they are fearful of how the person(s) will veiw those actions IE ashamed of those actions. Regret is the word that many may not have.

 

But yeah, let's blame it on the man. Projection at its finest.

 

In this case they are both contributing to this, her by leaving it a mystery and him by allowing himself to imagine without asking. Although since its been four years and she is still omitting information I could see why he wouldn't. Also her feeling so harshly judged hinders her willingness to be upfront. A real issue that isnt just THE MANS FAULT as seems to be the theme with some posters here.

[Allupinnit]

I don't know anyone my age walking around feeling shame about it, either.

 

I can imagine being made to feel uncomfortable when asked something so personal, though.

 

It's not even something people my age think or talk about...?

[preraph]

Absolutely not ashamed. They just have some self-respect and have no trouble with the concept that what came before they met the guy they're with is their own business. And they're not stupid. They know inadequate insecure guys will get their panties in a twist about literally everything and every way that the woman is more experienced or smarter or better at anything than they are.

[some_username1]

Two reasons in my opinion. 1 is they fear judgement. 2 and more prevailing, they are ashamed of it.

 

I have known a large number of women who have voice regrets about their sexual past. However, pretending that it didnt happen or misleading partners dont make it go away or mean it didn't really happen.

 

I think in a lot of cases these women project their shame and displeasure with their history onto potential partners not accepting it or judging them for it.

 

Exactly right, it is always the man who has to bear the burden when it comes to numbers. Modern feminism has done a good job of switching the debate so it's not about how free a woman has been with her sexuality but rather mean and nasty old men with their judgement and slut shaming etc.

 

At the end of the day, it's a preference, just like height. A man has every right to reject a woman based on number of partners. It says nothing about either party, just that, for whatever reason it wasn't what he was looking for in a woman.

 

The fact that women seem so evasive about discussing it shows that they hold some shame/embarrassment about it and that is not right either. We all make choices in life that are likely to come back and have negative effects later- kids too young, too promiscuous, getting a criminal record etc. but you have to live with it, stand up straight with your shoulders back and tell that person your number unflinchingly and trust in the fact that if you are rejected for it you weren't suited. It's a great filter for both genders. Own who you are. It's surprising that women talk grandly of not being ashamed and yet reveal that they haven't been able to say, or said "over x", or worse, lied.

 

Own. Who. You. Are. Let the chips fall as they may knowing you have been true to yourself.

[Grumpybutfun]

OP,

It doesn’t really matter what other men and women do. What matters is that you have a man who is feeling insecure and frustrated by something he can’t change. No one goes into marriage with it all worked out. There are always hurdles to jump. It isn’t the issues that matter so much as how you handle them.

 

It is time to sit down with him with no distractions and tell him that you feel sad that he feels frustrated by your sexual past. Tell him that you value your marriage to him and love him very much and want to make sure that he feels wanted and needed intimately and emotionally. Tell him you waited a long time for someone as special as him to come into your life and that was why you waited for him- he is special to you. Tell him your past made you into the woman you are now, and you feel no regrets because those choices led you to him. Ask him what he needs in order to let go of your past sex experiences because it is hurting you deeply to feel judged by the one person who is supposed to value and love you above everyone else.

 

It is not your job to fix sexism or to feel shame for something so inherently normal. However, it would be a positive action for your marriage to excavate the rubble to help your husband feel safe and loved in your marriage. I see a hurt young man who is insecure and dealing with unrealistic and atavistic expectations.

Right now he needs compassion even if he is acting like a passive aggressive Cro Magnon wannabe!

Good Luck,

Grumps

Edited November 21, 2019 by Grumpybutfun

[DKT3]

Bottom line is, too many women believe it's ok to withhold, mislead or flat out lie about something that would change a mans desire to be in a relationship with her. In my opinion it's really no different than a man lying about being single.

 

Worse part is these women know there is a chance that the guy would reject her based on honest information thus they lie, mislead or withhold. Question is, that no one has attempted to answer here, is why would any woman want a man who doesn't accept all of her? There in lays the reason relationships fail...people not being truthful about who 5hey are.

 

Tough to judge someone who if had all the information would have made a different choice. We all have a right to know who we've decided to pair up with, and it's on that person to give you the information.

[Allupinnit]

Too many women? Really? Because the only place I hear about this being a problem for anyone is on LS. I literally know nobody IRL who fights about this with their SO.

[Piddy]

No women I know from my generation are ashamed of it. If they have an uptight judgmental spouse or bf, they may be ashamed of that, though.

 

In my little world this was true. I lived with a girl in the 70's and her number was 12 (I was number 12) by the time she was 19 years old. She enjoyed recreational / casual sex and she was good at it.

 

Did it bother me that she was this promiscuous in her teens? Yes it did. I think it's human nature to not like hearing your girlfriend had so many partners.

 

But as you know many girls of that generation were on the pill at a relatively young age. She was on the pill at age 14 and lost her virginity then also.

 

She ended up cheating and leaving me. So in her case there was a correlation between promiscuity and cheating. But, it appears she eventually grew out of her promiscuity because she's been married for well over 30 years with two adult children.

 

For many promiscuous young women, when they hit their mid to late 20's they start to think about coupling up and starting a family and they embrace monogamy.

 

In the OP's case if I was her husband I would rather her have had relationship sex with several partners, than several indiscriminate / casual sex partners. But that's me.

 

Although I did have a few casual sex partners, I preferred relationship sex. I'm the odd male that liked to have a connection or feelings for the girl I had sex with in hopes of a relationship.

 

Usually the one night stands involved alcohol and although the sex was fun, the taking the girl home the next morning was awkward and quiet. Left me with an empty feeling.

Edited November 22, 2019 by Piddy

[schlumpy]

She ended up cheating and leaving me. So in her case there was a correlation between promiscuity and cheating. But, it appears she eventually grew out of her promiscuity because she's been married for well over 30 years with two adult children.

 

And that, in my humble opinion, is the linchpin of what is being argued. Not to paint with too broad a brush because most behaviors are shaped like a bell curve but the question is: can you rely on history to predict the future?

 

Probably not precisely, but you can move the odds in your favor and reduce the risk.

 

BTW, how do you know that although your ex is married that she still isn't promiscuous? Staying married isn't always a reliable guide.

[Kitty Tantrum]

In this case they are both contributing to this, her by leaving it a mystery and him by allowing himself to imagine without asking. Although since its been four years and she is still omitting information I could see why he wouldn't. Also her feeling so harshly judged hinders her willingness to be upfront. A real issue that isnt just THE MANS FAULT as seems to be the theme with some posters here.

 

This is basically what I'm getting at. This can't be pinned entirely on either one of them.

 

This is what happens when people fornicate. The attachment happens before there's a chance to make decisions with the proper organ.

 

Can pretty much guarantee that OP and her hubby both have come at this from mostly the same angle: he'd have grilled her about her sexual history to make sure she fit his criteria for not being a tart........ except he didn't want to risk losing the attachment he already formed by making her feel judged/criticized.

 

She'd have been more open/volunteering about her history to make sure she was with a man who was willing and able to handle an experienced woman... except she didn't want to risk losing the attachment she had already formed by making him feel insecure/grossed out/whatever.

 

Massive communication failure - bit this "don't ask, don't tell" sort of policy is exactly what is being promoted by modern sex-dating culture. That's why I seriously doubt either of them intended to deceive. They were both following the most readily available model: screw first, ask questions later.

[Piddy]

And that, in my humble opinion, is the linchpin of what is being argued. Not to paint with too broad a brush because most behaviors are shaped like a bell curve but the question is: can you rely on history to predict the future?

 

Probably not precisely, but you can move the odds in your favor and reduce the risk.

 

BTW, how do you know that although your ex is married that she still isn't promiscuous? Staying married isn't always a reliable guide.

 

I don't. And I do know a childhood friend of my sisters who was promiscuous as a teen and remained that way her whole life (she's now 63). She's been married 3 times and is now single. One husband committed suicide over her running around on him.

 

In her case she was boyfriend promiscuous opposed to casual sex / one night stand promiscuity. She'd jump from one boyfriend to the other.

 

But we do know now that the frontal cortex of the brain isn't fully developed until the mid to late 20's. That's the part that's responsible for judgement, decision making and impulsiveness.

 

So, many women whose promiscuity was from poor judgement, bad decision making and lacking impulse control will grow out of that behavior.