Quokka Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Hey everyone, as the title says, I want to text my ex. I've had this increased urge over this last week that will not go away. We met when I was 16 and she was 18. I am now 23M and she is 24F currently. We were best friends before anything and established our relationship when I was 18 and she was 20. It didn't pan out and I started seeing someone else some odd months later. Which ended in her and my buddy scheming a plan to get me back as she was very upset to hear that I was seeing someone else. My buddy then calls me to go out to eat, I oblige and he shows up and she was in the trunk of the car the whole time and popped out and we went to her house. Basically, I was kidnapped. But I didn't mind. I truly never moved on. We hooked up and got back together. It ended again with unfaithfulness on her part. Yes, she cheated on me. I was crushed. But, even still unable to move on. over the course of the next few years to now I've dated other people, I've slept with other people, I've changed my hair, my look, made new friends, currently attending nursing school, have my own vehicle, my own place, and everything is really well. Yet, I still can't shake her. Our last romantic encounter was in March of this year. It ended abruptly because I caught her talking to some other guy. Go figure... oh and also now they're dating. Perfect. I ceased contact. Not breaking it a single time. She has reached out twice during this time. Once in June 2019 trying to meet up. I refused telling her that it was inappropriate as she has a boyfriend. She agreed. End of conversation. Then again in September 2019 telling me she wanted me to come over and talk to her. Again I told her that's inappropriate because you have a boyfriend. She then goes on to tell me that "he doesn't understand me like you do" I still have the message. I asked her if she was thinking that she made a mistake? and she said yes. I didn't go and see her because oddly enough I was on a date when she texted me this out of the blue (pretty awkward date after that) and the next day I texted her making sure she was okay and she said she was fine. I just said "good" and left it at that. So I tell my buddy about this encounter and he is good friends with her current boyfriend. He convinces me that we should tell him. I did not want to do this. So my friend took it upon himself to call her boyfriend and tell him when I wasn't around. I have not heard from her since. This made me very upset because now I feel like I will never hear from her again. Now that you're caught up, I know what you're already thinking. "Good you shouldn't ever want to hear from her again, she cheated on you, she's manipulative, she texts you while she's in a relationship, count your losses and move on" right? I've noticed that a lot of people, and I'm not saying everyone here is like this but a lot of people here are so quick to say move on, forget them, go outside, try a hobby, blah blah blah. Great advice so props. But, I love her unconditionally. I miss her. I do not care about the cheating, I do not care about the manipulation, I do not care about any of the things that have hurt me. I've forgiven her. I worked on myself and I tried to move on. But I simply cannot. And judging from the last texts I received from her, I have notion that she may be feeling the same and now I feel like she will not reach out since my buddy ole pal reported her to the boyfriend police. So, I so desperately just want to say something. I want her back people. I truly love her. Edited November 12, 2019 by Quokka Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I do not care about the cheating, I do not care about the manipulation, I do not care about any of the things that have hurt me. Well, this includes any future cheating, right? That's OK with you? Because you've seen up close her approach to fidelity, both in your old relationship and her new one. Whether he knows it or not, anyone dating her is in an open relationship, at least on her end. And if that's what you mean when you say you "love her unconditionally", then go right ahead and send the text... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Quokka Posted November 12, 2019 Author Share Posted November 12, 2019 Well, this includes any future cheating, right? That's OK with you? Because you've seen up close her approach to fidelity, both in your old relationship and her new one. Whether he knows it or not, anyone dating her is in an open relationship, at least on her end. And if that's what you mean when you say you "love her unconditionally", then go right ahead and send the text... Mr. Lucky I've put a lot of thought into this. Would I be okay with it? Could I be okay with it? and I think at this point, not having her in my life at all is worse. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I love her unconditionally. I miss her. I do not care about the cheating, I do not care about the manipulation, I do not care about any of the things that have hurt me. I've forgiven her. I worked on myself and I tried to move on. But I simply cannot. And judging from the last texts I received from her, I have notion that she may be feeling the same and now I feel like she will not reach out since my buddy ole pal reported her to the boyfriend police. So, I so desperately just want to say something. I want her back people. I truly love her. Unconditional love is such a flawed concept. Honestly, the likelihood that this will end the way you want is slim to none. She doesn't love you the way you love her, she doesn't respect and probably largely because you don't respect yourself, either. It's just not an appealing quality in a guy. You can be desperate and overlook the way she wipes her feet on you, but that doesn't mean she will want to come back and stay back. You two might have a short-lived fling, sure. But Happily Ever After? No, not with this chick. She will bounce again once she's had her fill of you, man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I know what you're already thinking. "Good you shouldn't ever want to hear from her again, she cheated on you, she's manipulative, she texts you while she's in a relationship, count your losses and move on" right? I've noticed that a lot of people, and I'm not saying everyone here is like this but a lot of people here are so quick to say move on, forget them, go outside, try a hobby, blah blah blah. Great advice so props. The reason this is fairly stock advice on LS is because it's usually, in most cases, the best advice. It's just not what you want to hear right now. Trust me, I've read this over and over again on other threads, and it was the same advice given to me when I first came here. Like you, my post had the same postscript as yours did above, because like you, I was in too much emotional turmoil to see the situation clearly. My advice: give it some time. Another 6 months or so. Get some perspective. You're just out of the woods, way too close to the treeline to see the whole forest. That perspective, once gained, should allow you to see that a relationship with her will not end well -- for you, or any man she dates. For whatever her reasons, whether it be her anxiety, neediness, or just a plain lack of accountability and integrity, she doesn't value honesty and fidelity in her relationships. She doesn't respect the men she dates. She uses men to validate her and soothe her anxiety. She is not trustworthy as a partner. Your buddy did the right thing telling her boyfriend that he needs to watch out for this girl. Crawling back to her for another chance will come off as weak, needy, and very low-value. It communicates that she can behave poorly with no consequences and that you don't have the self-respect and strength to walk away. That's really unattractive to women. Stay away and keep no contact. This is the sexiest thing you can do in her eyes. If she comes crawling back to you, decide what you want to do then. But you won't get that chance if you keep pining over her and trying to get her back. Maintain your dignity and value. Stay away. And maybe she'll be back. Sounds likely, actually. And in that scenario, she'll be on to a new, better source of validation in due time. Monkey branch, cheat, secret text convos, lining him up behind your back, you already know the drill. Just don't be made a fool of by giving too much of a sh-t when that happens. Edited November 12, 2019 by rjc149 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I think at this point, not having her in my life at all is worse. If you see yourself as addicted to her, then that's certainly a junkie's approach to the relationship. You're only thinking about the next contact with her, the next fix, without asking yourself "what then?". You might reel her back in for a short period of time. She'll then get bored, you'll get dumped and she'll move on. Not much of a master plan, and certainly not the road to happiness. Have to wonder why you don't think you deserve better than this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JuneGirl Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Yeah I really don't like being told to move on either, when I'm hurting and when I need to talk about it. I'm really sorry you are hurting but also I feel sad because you said you don't care that she's a cheater and manipulator, and she's breadcrumbing you constantly. I hope that one day you are able to see that because of her actions is the reason you are hurting so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Quokka Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Yeah I really don't like being told to move on either, when I'm hurting and when I need to talk about it. I'm really sorry you are hurting but also I feel sad because you said you don't care that she's a cheater and manipulator, and she's breadcrumbing you constantly. I hope that one day you are able to see that because of her actions is the reason you are hurting so much. Thank you for the kindness. A lot of people just don’t really get it. I mean if moving on was an option, I would but I’ve done all that I can. I feel like I’ve exhausted myself doing that. It’s not like this girl doesn’t love me. I know she does. I don’t think she knows how to love. She was my best friend despite all the ****. I think we may have been better as friends but sex always complicated things. I just wish she would stop being so cruel to me because she’s everything to me. Call it weak, tell me I have low self worth, it’s okay. Maybe so. I think I could be on the top of the world and have everything even a family and still think about her. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 (edited) What exactly do you think this text will accomplish? There is a saying: "you can never go back home". Meaning: what you think you had in the past doesn't translate to the present, especially if a lot of time has gone by. People change in ways you cannot factor for. If she ignores it or tells you something that makes you feel worse than you do now, will that be better? Edited November 13, 2019 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 So go ahead and text her, OP. You don't need anyone's endorsement to do so. You asked for opinions, and they are largely different from yours. You can't really be too surprised or upset that most are advising against it. Might she reply positively? While I don't think it's very likely, anything is possible. Prepare yourself for all possible responses from her, though, such as: A) no response at all B) an angry response to leave her alone C) a warm response indicating that she wants to see you, only to dash all your hopes when it doesn't pan out and she fades again Ask yourself what your next step is going to be if one of the above happens. You can decide to not move on, but that doesn't mean she won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 She made that comment about being able to talk to you, and I bet all she's wanting to do is cry on your shoulder about him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Maybe your best move is to text her, let her hurt you even more by a) not responding, b) telling you it's over and she's with someone else now, c) get your hopes up and flake on you, or d) briefly get back together with you only to dump/cheat again and break your heart into a million pieces. You may finally be able to accept the situation and get the closure you need. Sometimes you can only learn lessons the hard way. I first came here with a girl who broke my heart when she started seeing someone else behind my back. There were a number of factors which don't really make her to blame for it, but I had nursed feelings for this girl for nearly 15 years and our brief time together was amazing for me in terms of the sex and the intensity of feelings. I still think about her 7 months later in NC. I still sometimes wish she would reach out and I could have her again. But I'm not pining for her anymore. I'm able to see that she isn't relationship material for me. I'm able to accept that I couldn't be the man she needed and it wasn't meant to be. I'm able to see that there are other fish in the sea. Around 4.5 billion of them. Give it time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I think I could be on the top of the world and have everything even a family and still think about her. You realize this isn't about her, right. Inability to let go of someone who obviously has little regard and less respect for you is a personal problem, not a relationship one. You fix it by working on yourself, not by throwing yourself back under the bus... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 (edited) I want her back people. I truly love her. You can love her from afar. When choosing a life partner, it is important to place your trust wisely. I could not agree more that your difficulty in letting her go is less a reflection of your relationship and the feelings you have for each other, than a personal issue that you need to discover. It’s not healthy, to feel this way about a woman - particularly a woman who has hurt you in the past. Edited November 14, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Don't. Stop. Don't do it. But you're gonna. So I'll just wait until you come back here with a sob story... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 You realize this isn't about her, right. Inability to let go of someone who obviously has little regard and less respect for you is a personal problem, not a relationship one. This is absolutely true. This has very little to do with love at this point, OP, and a lot more to do with some significant, dysfunctional attachment issues. And it's been going on for 6 years and through multiple break-ups, according to some of your previous posts about her. In kindness, have you considered seeking some counselling about this? This level of unhealthy dependency on another person speaks to some bigger personal obstacles that would be worth addressing with a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 Unfortunately, she was your first love and somehow you got the idea that this unhealthy attachment is “love.” I would agree with the suggestion of counselling. You have a lot to learn about boundaries and relationships. Until you do that, no other relationship will compare because they will not have the “drama” and the emotion of this first, very unhealthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 So you can text her and allow the cheating and manipulation to continue until eventually you're even more of an emotional mess than you feel right now with zero self esteem. You hit the bottom and take years to get back to a place where you will struggle to be able to have happiness with anyone. Or you can face the difficulty of immediately having no contact with her at all. It will feel brutal for a while, but eventually you can move on and be happy and emotionally available to have a healthy relationship with someone who will return your devotion. Sounds like you're headed toward the first option at full speed. You're not the only person to feel the way you're feeling right now. Read and pay attention to the advice of others who have been there before. Link to post Share on other sites
LinThizzy85 Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 Oh man... OP, if you get back with her, good luck to you. I can’t see this ending well for you. I’ve been cheated on before, and I went through what you’re going through. Stay strong and move on. It’s really the only good option for you. I wish you luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Quokka Posted November 19, 2019 Author Share Posted November 19, 2019 Oh man... OP, if you get back with her, good luck to you. I can’t see this ending well for you. I’ve been cheated on before, and I went through what you’re going through. Stay strong and move on. It’s really the only good option for you. I wish you luck UPDATE: I never texted her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 UPDATE: I never texted her Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 Awesome! Stay strong. You'll be happier in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
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