Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 No it wasn't. That is what you are missing. You think you were clear by saying no. But what he understood from your behavior was you saying, "Maybe, talk me into it." When you agreed to go to his house he heard you say maybe. When he asked & you said no the first time but didn't leave, he heard maybe. For every minute you stayed beyond the 2nd ask he concluded that no means yes. He thought you were playing that silly game where women say no, but stick around & the guy's hands keep creeping further. Then sex happens but she whines "It all just happened so fast" so she doesn't take responsibility for her own sexual decisions. He's played that game enough to believe that is what you were doing. I am not saying you were. I believe you when you said no but I am telling you that you were anything but clear. Clear would be getting up & walking out. You stayed. I appreciate what you are saying, and yes the way that game would end is that the woman does give in after making him wait. I however was not doing that. I was suggesting to him that we go for a walk. He saw after 5 hours of persisting that I am not someone who puts out just because I am at a guy’s house. What do I want to do with him, I want to hang out outside the walls of a house, doing fun things together like playing tennis, something we both enjoy. We like each other’s company and we happen to be attracted to each other as well, he wants to act on that attraction and I have shown him that he can’t if he doesn’t want things to go anywhere. We women are so good at lying to ourselves when it comes to this. Like Clia, I have also gone down this road with a guy. And yep, I fell for him. And nope, he still didn't want to be my boyfriend. When they tell you that up front you HAVE to believe them. In my case the guy acted very much like a boyfriend when we were together, would call and text regularly but he would NOT put a title on it and I had to break the whole thing off - and I was heartbroken. Don't do this to yourself. Please. I appreciate you sharing this. I’m very sorry about what happened to you. I will try to not get in too deep, he has shown me a few times already that I shouldn’t have expectations. Time will tell if he wants any kind of friendship with me or not, especially now that he has seen he will not get sex from me without a label.
clia Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 The fact that he started texting me a week after this episode, normal texts asking how this and that went (he is good at remembering things I tell him), suggests that part of him does miss the friendship. I'm really not trying to be mean, but no it doesn't. It takes hardly any effort to send someone a text message. He might've been bored waiting in line somewhere and remembered that he spent five hours trying to pressure you into sex and that maybe he could toss you a bone. The fact that he waited an entire week to text you after that indicates to me that he really doesn't have much interest in talking to you, seeing you, or being your friend. 5
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Keep dating him but make them out of the house dates. If you are dying for some more of his cooking, suggest a picnic but all the no's in the world don't compare to putting yourself in a private location where sex is possible. So stay out of each other's houses & he may eventually understand that you are serious about abstinence. 1
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 I'm really not trying to be mean, but no it doesn't. It takes hardly any effort to send someone a text message. He might've been bored waiting in line somewhere and remembered that he spent five hours trying to pressure you into sex and that maybe he could toss you a bone. The fact that he waited an entire week to text you after that indicates to me that he really doesn't have much interest in talking to you, seeing you, or being your friend. I told him to not text me that time so that we can have a break, it was me who initiated that and he respected my wishes. He did say that he wanted to wish me happybday, and he used the opportunity to start texting me back-and-forth again. But now it’s gone back to nothing, I find myself waiting for my phone to buzz with his text. This is why I am thinking of blocking him- I don’t like this will he/won’t he text me ‘uncertainty’. I’ll give it 1 or 2 more weeks and if I still don’t hear from him then I really don’t see the point.
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 Keep dating him but make them out of the house dates. If you are dying for some more of his cooking, suggest a picnic but all the no's in the world don't compare to putting yourself in a private location where sex is possible. So stay out of each other's houses & he may eventually understand that you are serious about abstinence. Thank you. This is just what I want to do. The thing is, I’m not sure if he is still interested in seeing me after the last time. I am hopeful that he did continue to text me and want to talk to me afterwards, I hope that it does translate into doing more meet-ups as well. I guess I’ll find out soon.
stillafool Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Time will tell if he wants any kind of friendship with me or not, especially now that he has seen he will not get sex from me without a label. You are not fooling anyone with the "Friend" thing except yourself. If you truly just wanted to be his friend you would not be thinking about "sex with him without a label". Sex would be off the table completely. Admit it you want to stick around hoping he'll want more. 2
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 You are not fooling anyone with the "Friend" thing except yourself. If you truly just wanted to be his friend you would not be thinking about "sex with him without a label". Sex would be off the table completely. Admit it you want to stick around hoping he'll want more. Well obviously I am attracted to him and I do want more than friendship. I met him on a dating site and at first things were going really well when we were ‘dating’. But then things got changed when he didn’t want to get serious. If he doesn’t want a relationship, I would like to be friends. I can’t do friends with benefits.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I am hopeful that he did continue to text me and want to talk to me afterwards, I hope that it does translate into doing more meet-ups as well. I guess I’ll find out soon. So what happens if you do continue to meet as friends, and you come to find out he's having sex with someone else? Or is actually dating someone, even after telling you he wasn't ready? If you value the friendship the way you say you do, surely you'll support him in his pursuit of happiness with someone else - right? That's what friends tend to do, after all. If that doesn't sound good, you need to get real with yourself about how much you value this friendship even without the possibility of dating on the horizon. He wants to be friends so he can try to have sex with you; you want to be friends so you can try to be his girlfriend someday. As such, you have an ulterior motive in being friends, too. It's different from his, but it's still there. Something tells me you would no longer be interested in his friendship if you knew definitively that you're not going to ever get a relationship out of this. 3
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 So what happens if you do continue to meet as friends, and you come to find out he's having sex with someone else? Or is actually dating someone, even after telling you he wasn't ready? If you value the friendship the way you say you do, surely you'll support him in his pursuit of happiness with someone else - right? That's what friends tend to do, after all. If that doesn't sound good, you need to get real with yourself about how much you value this friendship even without the possibility of dating on the horizon. He wants to be friends so he can try to have sex with you; you want to be friends so you can try to be his girlfriend someday. As such, you have an ulterior motive in being friends, too. It's different from his, but it's still there. Something tells me you would no longer be interested in his friendship if you knew definitively that you're not going to ever get a relationship out of this. This is true, I would be upset because I do like him. This is why I am holding back for the moment and waiting for him to pursue me. He knows where I stand, he knows I won’t sleep with him without the backdrop of a relationship. He will only pursue me and want to see me if he is interested in building something. So I can only wait and see, but waiting for that text is putting me into the ‘uncertain’ sphere where I don’t know when or if it will come. This is why I am considering blocking him if I don’t hear from him within a week or two.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 You want to be friends with him because you are under the delusion that one day he will wake up & be ready for a relationship with you. Doesn't happen that way. By the time he's ready it will be with somebody else because you will be his buddy, good old reliable babybrowns who was there for him when the chips were down & nobody else wanted him. Once you go there he will not have any desire for you as a woman because you became his pal. He wants sex, preferable with no strings attached meaning no commitment. You are already proving to require too much effort, hence he's pulling back. This isn't going to work out the way you want. 4
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 This is true, I would be upset because I do like him. This is why I am holding back for the moment and waiting for him to pursue me. He knows where I stand, he knows I won’t sleep with him without the backdrop of a relationship. He will only pursue me and want to see me if he is interested in building something. So I can only wait and see, but waiting for that text is putting me into the ‘uncertain’ sphere where I don’t know when or if it will come. This is why I am considering blocking him if I don’t hear from him within a week or two. Why don't you just empower yourself and start to see other people? Don't wait around for him. If he texts he texts, if he doesn't he doesn't. Decide then what you want. 2
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 He is only being friends with you in the hope you will agree to sex at some point. He doesn't see you as relationship material. He wanted sex and he wanted FWB. He has put you in that NSA sex/FWB box. Once in it you tend to stay in it.. You can wait around wanting "more", but that isn't going to happen. 2
preraph Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Look, it is what it is. At least he was honest. He's told you in no uncertain terms he wants NOTHING to do with commitment and only wants sex. Block him and move on. 2
Flame Aura Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Look, it is what it is. At least he was honest. He's told you in no uncertain terms he wants NOTHING to do with commitment and only wants sex. Block him and move on. We've all been repeating the same thing to the OP since the start of the thread and she has basically ignored it all and is still 'waiting' for his text so they can be 'friends'... why.. I have no idea. 2
ajequals Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 this guy is just a player , you didn't want to play so he had a temper tantrum. If I were you I'd block him and keep looking for the one for you 2
Author babybrowns Posted October 22, 2019 Author Posted October 22, 2019 I am continuing with the online dating so this guy is not stopping me from living my life at all, I would like to make that clear. But I am still holding out to see if he does text, because he did say that he still wanted me in his life and as we saw he still texted me a week after he saw that he’s not going to get sex. So perhaps something is there, time will tell. I’m going to give it 2-3 weeks and then I’ll block him to save me the ‘will he text?’.
kendahke Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Well obviously I am attracted to him and I do want more than friendship. I met him on a dating site and at first things were going really well when we were ‘dating’. But then things got changed when he didn’t want to get serious. If he doesn’t want a relationship, I would like to be friends. I can’t do friends with benefits. Can you tolerate him talking to you about other women he'd rather date and get serious with without feeling a way about it? Because that's what friends do--talk to each other about the person they really like and want to be with.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Ok so I should have perhaps paraphrased it to ‘have I lost his will to keep seeing me’. Thank you for your replies so far, I agree with all of you, but what’s keep me going is how good things were when things were good with us. I’ve been played before in my earlier 20’s by someone who just wanted sex, this is very different since this guy and I have shared many good experiences together and have developed a friendship ‘outside the bedroom’. I am willing to give it some more time to see what happens, but I might have to give him the ultimatum if it’s just a case of us texting sporadically but never meeting up. You never lost him as this sounds like he only wanted sex. This is a very disrespectful thing to do, he knows you want more. He turns around and asks you for sex knowing full well he won't commit. That is a jerk! 1
PinkElephants Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 He tried for 5 hours to get me to go upstairs to his bedroom with him but didn’t succeed and he wasn’t happy. A man who respects you would have accepted you saying no the first time. He invited you over with the intentions to have sex, disrespected you for 5 hours and got mad when you refused to give in. What about that makes him seem like he'd be a good boyfriend? And what makes you think he'd treat you with respect in the future when he's already classified you as the type of woman that he isn't worth commitment? You might have told him you're not that type of woman but that doesn't mean he sees you as relationship material. I guess that if he keeps texting me even after I made it clear to him that he will not be getting sex from me, it does suggest that he likes me more than a sex buddy. It means he really, really wants to bang you and is intent on wearing you down. if I don’t hear from him for a month then it’ll be clear he doesn’t care about being friends. Why wait a month? A man that wants to be with you will make it known. He'll pull out all the stops to be with you but this guy treats you like a toy he can pick up and put down. I'd wager that this is what a relationship with him would look like too. You'd be back in a couple years complaining that he won't spend time with you and that you're desperate for his affection. Seriously though, what is it about this guy that doesn't text you, won't commit, has told you he loves another woman, has pressured you for sex, manufactured an opportunity for sex, reacted poorly when you wouldn't have sex, disrespected your boundaries and has shown only lukewarm interest in you that is so attractive? 3
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I met him on a dating site and at first things were going really well when we were ‘dating’. But then things got changed when he didn’t want to get serious. But, he did want to get serious with you. You just have different definitions/expectations of “serious.” That doesn’t change the fact that you can’t settle for “friends” when you both want to get “serious” (each in your own way). That’s like, he wants a steak for dinner and you want seafood. You may both like salad - doesn’t mean either one of you would be satisfied with a salad.
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) As I read this I am reminded that people are mis-using the word friend here. Friends are platonic. Sex & dating are never part of that mix. Dating can be accomplished without sex. It's the portion of the getting to know each other phase where there is time spent together, flirting & maybe kissing but no sex. OP I think you are enjoying this aspect. The guy in Q here wants NSA sex. He does not want commitment. You don't want FWB & say you won't have sex without a commitment. That is your prerogative. However, by sticking around for 5 hours while he pressured you for sex, you gave him the impression that with enough effort he could probably sweet talk you in to changing your mind. With the right mix of alcohol & pushing your buttons, once your hormones go into overdrive, it's highly unlikely that the rational part of your brain will be driving the bus at that point. You two will go tumbling into bed. It will all be grand until you realize that now that he's notched his bedpost you are no longer as interesting to him & he fades away or outright ghosts. It is OK to date. It's better to stick to your guns & enforce no sex before monogamy if that is what you want but think your actions through. At his house if he asked or even hinted at sex once & you said no then you carried on with the rest of your date that would be flattering / respectful. Him asking for 5 hours . . . he has an agenda & you are going to succumb. Read this thread about a ONS: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691737-great-beginning-awful-ending-first-date-what-do-i-do-now I see a lot of parallels. Use her experience as a cautionary tale. Edited October 23, 2019 by d0nnivain 4
Allupinnit Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I see that your female brain is trying to rationalize that if you stick around without "giving in", he'll be more likely to commit in the long run. This, my friend, will not be the case, I assure you. Once a guy offers up FWB you are very unlikely to come out of that box. 3
Art.at.Heart Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 A man who respects you would have accepted you saying no the first time. He invited you over with the intentions to have sex, disrespected you for 5 hours and got mad when you refused to give in. What about that makes him seem like he'd be a good boyfriend? And what makes you think he'd treat you with respect in the future when he's already classified you as the type of woman that he isn't worth commitment? You might have told him you're not that type of woman but that doesn't mean he sees you as relationship material. Not only that, but why the hell didn't you just leave well before the 5 hr mark? I'm asking this genuinely. If you're with a guy that just wants to have sex with you, and you're not down with that, why continue to engage in that awkward back and forth of you trying to get him out for a walk and him trying to get you in bed? 2
MsJayne Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 When someone offers you a friends with benefits situation, you need to ask yourself, "Benefit for who?" because it's usually not the woman. As for that old chestnut, "I'm just not over my ex", what that really means is "you aren't the one for me", because people who really aren't over their exes don't want to even go looking for other company, not even for sex. 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 You probably didn't leave earlier than the five hour mark because on some level you enjoyed that attention; feeling desired, even for just sex was better than nothing at all. Its a breadcrumb of sorts and you were so hungry for his pursual, you weren't going to pass up any attention. Zero judgement -- ive been there myself! The problem is, we can really confuse that pursuit for a step in the right direction toward romance.. sort of 'he cant resist us'.. he has the energy and desire to chase us for hours, he doesn't want to take no for an answer, because he wants us soo bad'. Sadly, its probably more a case of hes horny, thinks you will eventually fold because he feels hes in the power position here, he knows you want him more than he wants you -- and finally, he figures 'hey i made her dinner, will probably get laid at some point out of this, so i may as well give it a good shot now'. The 'still hung up on my ex' thing, like MissJayne said is just an age-old excuse... people move on very quickly when the person is the right one. Heck, people leave relationships for someone who is the right one -- In this case, hes decided you arn't but isn't ready to be 'alone' fully, you offer some parts of what he likes but not the whole package (in his mind). I think just going dark now is the best. You said yourself he has to pursue you now (for a genuine relationship -- dont mistake breadcrumbs or flirting for this) or you'll disappear, i'd start that disappearing process now. Keep your dignity, you'll find the right person who deserves you. 2
Recommended Posts