Great beginning awful ending to a first date. What do I do now?

[Candygirl1414]

went out with a guy i matched with on a dating app. We actually met during the summer at an event and hung out all night so we recognized each other right away. We had a great start to the first date we went for drinks and were out until 1am he was very sweet and the date was going great.When it was time to go I said I would walk him to his car since I would be walking home.

 

He kept insisting he come to my place since he lived far and couldn’t drive, after saying no a few times I finally said okay but I didn’t want to do anything. He slept Over and we made Out but I was continually telling him I didn’t want to have sex yet. I said that about 8 or 9 times over the course of the next 4 or 5 hours when he would wake up and try stuff . These also weren’t flirtatious no’s I was quite firm. When it was almost morning we were making out again and even though I said no a few more times I did finally cave and we slept together.

 

The next morning he left my place and texted me about 30 min later asking if I wanted a coffee bcus he would bring me one. He came back, dropped off my coffee and a cookie and wrote a note on the bag saying sorry for making you so sleepy today. I thought it was a cute gesture but when I texted him thank you and said that hopefully we can get together for the 2nd date soon, he responded to everything else in the msg saying he had a great night with me, to have a fun day etc. but didn’t respond to my comment about the date. That was yesterday and I haven’t heard from him since and he also unmatched me on the app.

If I haven’t heard from him by the end of the week am I right to call him out and let him know how I feel about what happened?I understand when you hook up with ppl on a first date there is the assumption it’s just casual sex but what’s really really bothering me is that 1. I didn’t want him to come over after the date, I didn’t invite him and he basically insisted until I caved and 2.on top of me not being comfortable with him coming over when I said no multiple times to having sex he still continued to try and get me to have sex until I caved as well. I’m also so confused as to why after the left he would come back and offer to get me a coffee and write a little note... maybe he was feeling guilty about what happened and wanted to ease his conscious?

 

Anyway, would it be appropriate and not seem crazy if I let him know that acting like That after that night is not okay or just count my losses this time and just let it go? Thanks!

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MsJayne]

So, he manipulated and pressured you into having sex when you didn't want to. Personally I'd enjoy taking a baseball bat to these guys, they are only a small step away from being a rapist IMO. I always wonder if their mother knows what a POS she raised. Anyways, you can let him know that what he did was very wrong, but he won't care. He has no conscience or empathy for other people because if he did he wouldn't go around behaving like that. I'd say keep your dignity and let it go, and if he should happen to contact you again then you can have the pleasure of completely ignoring him. This is one of the worst things about meeting through date sites, people pretend to be a decent human being and then you find out too late they're a creep.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Don’t waste your time on this loser. He totally disregarded you at every step only thinking about his needs. He has shown you he is selfish. Not good LT bf material.

 

Next time don’t let them persuade you to change your mind.

[Foxhall]

you have to cut your losses on this I think,

 

you can learn the lesson from it, your initial gut instincts of no sex yet were correct, but you lacked the confidence to stick to your guns,

 

guys can be very single minded in their pursuit of sex, they do not give a shyt basically about upsetting a girls feelings, they are horny and fueled by that desire.

 

I am not saying I was always an angel myself or anything but there was/is a line I would not cross either,

 

so always keep it on your own terms, no matter how persuasive or persistent a guy is, always when you are comfortable and No means no,

 

actually by saying it as often as you did, you opened the door for him to keep trying, like you subconciously expected he would eventually wear you down

 

so dont let a guy have that power over you in future!

[Ruby Slippers]

You have to take responsibility for the fact that you caved to sex on date 1, and once he got what he wanted he was outta there. Not trying to lecture you, but this is why it's a good idea not to do that unless you're ok if it ends up being a one-night thing.

 

Personally, I'd block him. I've never been in this situation, but I imagine he might try to hit you up for an easy hookup in the future, which is a bad idea, given how thoughtless he's been.

[preraph]

All he wants is sex, and all it took is persistence to get it. I doubt you end up dating him. He just wants sex. I imagine he lost some respect for you for caving after saying no all those times. Stop sleeping in bed with someone when you do not want sex because you barely know them and aren't ready!!

[salparadise]

I don't quite get how you let this happen. Did you seriously not realize this was his agenda when he was pushing to get into your place? And again when you let him into your bed? Why didn't you become more resolute?

 

I have to wonder if you actually did not want sex, or if you just didn't want it to be your choice. Were you wanting to have sex at the time it happened, as in conscious choice, or were you still saying no? Did you actively participate, even enjoy it?

 

I realize he was pushy (not defending him at all), but you do realize that you have all the agency you need to say no and make it stick, correct? You made a whole series of choices, one after another and separated by enough time to reverse each one, that ultimately led to it. I think you need to own it rather than creating a narrative that attempts to absolve you of any intention or responsibility.

 

If you really didn't want things to transpire as the did, why would you let him into your place to begin with? Because he kept pleading isn't really a reason.

Edited October 21, 2019 by salparadise

[kendahke]

He's not your boyfriend, and going by his silence since, I'd say he did what he came to do and is now done.

 

What exactly are you going to ream him over? You allowing yourself to get talked into something you didn't want to do on the off chance that he could be your boyfriend? That was a hell of a gamble, wouldn't you say? You didn't stand sentry to your own boundaries.

 

When it became crystal clear to you that he was after sex when you two were out on the date, you made a conscious decision to not stick to your guns. He never changed his tune all night until you gave in. You put your responsibility to yourself completely on him and he wasn't there for that.

 

Maintain your grace and dignity and just block his number and delete him, unless you want to his one of his FWB's, because it would appear that's all he's here for.

Edited October 21, 2019 by kendahke

[basil67]

What to do now? Avoid him like the plague. He behaved like a POS.

[Love2015]

First of all I want to say sorry for your experience. Also I want to congratulate for going on a date.

 

Now the bad part...when I read what you wrote you remind me of me not more than two weeks ago. I took a break from dating altogether and I realize how not ready at all I am even now. Been working on myself and I can tell from what you write there is one thing you have to work on is Boundaries and how to say no. ( I have anger issues from past ex hubby cheating)

 

Until you don't learn to say firm no and listen to your gut .. you may end up in similar situations. The signs were there...men and women who want to sleep on first date just do it and it clear you didn't want to but I don't think you can blame him for something you also did.

 

Don't feel bad. Enjoy it for what it was. Plain sex. Move on. If he comes back and you want more , stayed tuned to only one person YOURSELF.

 

Hugs... hopefully you enjoyed the sex and next time be more firm with your boundaries.

[snowboy91]

It's horrible to think there are guys out there that fail to respect boundaries like that. I'm sorry for your bad experience - I promise us guys are not all like that!

 

You can call him out for it, but unfortunately I'm not sure what it will achieve. If someone completely disregards your feelings like that, you can just send him home. You want to be with someone who is going to respect you - so it's OK to stop completely when someone doesn't.

[chillii]

Of course , you could've just said no stopped effg around and went home. But seems as he did bring you round you could've just thrown a blanket on the couch and gone to bed, door closed, and stayed there, rather than get on with him all night.

So ahh, yaknow.

Edited October 21, 2019 by chillii

[Flame Aura]

You need to have a bit more self worth, as sleeping with a guy on the first date is basically communicating you don't really have any as he is basically a stranger.

 

Not defending his actions as he was a real ***** but you definitely could have said no and stuck to it, especially right at the start when he wanted to go to yours.

 

Do not contact him again as he has shown he is selfish and just wants to use you.

 

In future get to know someone before giving your body away and have a bit more confidence in your decisions otherwise you will get taken advantage of, just like you did in this instance.

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn't the type of guy who's going to listen or care if you let him know how you feel, OP. Imagine how you will feel if he doesn't respond to that message, either.

 

He was after one thing. He got it. Now he's done. I would cut your losses on this one and have no further contact.

 

Stick to your guns next time, and don't let a guy pressure you into staying over.

[winny]

You can call him out on his actions and then block him.

Next time don't fall for these tactics. You have yourself to blame a little bit for what happened but also remember that this experience will help you to handle these kinds of guys better next time. Don't worry... you dodged a bullet.

[basil67]

Interesting that it seems the majority of guys on here have put it on the woman to block him. I don't think that they understand that for a lot of women it takes practice to find that voice because girls are taught from a young age to be nice and feminine and gracious and not make a fuss. It's something that I have certainly struggled with...as a young woman, I was easily emotionally overwhelmed by a guy's insistence and after the incident I would have all those "I should have said" regrets.

 

These days, finding a voice is something which I've heavily encouraged in my daughter. She tells me that she was out with her pretty, conservative friend the other night and a strange guy walked up to the friend and was seriously into her space wanting to kiss. My daughter saw that her friend's body language was completely unreceptive and stepped in with a "mate, you need to back off". He dismissed my daughter as if she was some type of penis blocker and forced his open mouthed kiss on her friend. Thing is, this friend was raised to be nice and conservative and look where that left her....without the aggression required to tell him to get lost. And despite all our discussions, it's interesting that neither of the girls thought to use a knee on him.

 

Until we are all teaching our girls to be strong, empowered and not be afraid of making a fuss, this kind of thing will continue. It's the old fashioned, sweet girl values which underpin the vulnerability of the women who are still being coerced into sex. It is not the fault of the girl if she can't find her voice, it's the fault of those who value and teach sweet femininity over being properly assertive.

Edited October 21, 2019 by basil67

[salparadise]

Interesting that it seems the majority of guys on here have put it on the woman to block him. I don't think that they understand that for a lot of women it takes practice to find that voice because girls are taught from a young age to be nice and feminine and gracious and not make a fuss.

 

I realize that it's often complicated for women. I have a daughter, which definitely allows me to empathize with the woman. There is the societal expectation, a tendency for agreeableness, the desire to be desired, inherent sex drive and response to overtures and stimulation. Wanting to engage and keep the guy interested, yet also trying to be a "good girl" and not give it up too easily. Yup, it's complicated for sure. But...

 

I still think that giving her a pass and saying it's "oh it's okay honey because this was a bad guy" is just reinforcing this absence of voice that you speak of. It's saying, okay sweetie, we understand that women can't say no when a guy is persistent, so it's not really your fault. Pfffft. I think the guy was probably intuitive and could tell that persistence would win... because her NO's weren't solid, and her eyes were probably saying something else.

 

I mean this is the point... women have to take responsibility for their choices. Having one foot in and one foot out, then blaming the guy is really not an effective strategy. Yes, teach them they have a voice, but that voice is not something they should have too find or be taught. It comes in the package of actualized human beings.

Edited October 21, 2019 by salparadise

[Maddie82]

Leave it. He just used you for sex. It's not worth chasing after him to call him out on it. He won't care and you will just come across as crazy for chasing after him.

[basil67]

Salsa, this guy was told No repeatedly. And you simply call him pushy rather than someone who at best employs coersion and at worst is a predator. She tried her voice, but you say she must have wanted it anyway. And somehow, this is all her fault and he deserves no criticism other than being "pushy".

 

Do you also have a son? Do you tell him that it's OK to keep pushing for sex with a woman who's said "no" half a dozen times? If you found out he did this, what would your counsel be?

[stillafool]

I'm sorry I can't blame all of this on the guy. When OP said he couldn't come over her house she should have stuck to that considering he was a stranger. Instead she let him spend the night in her bed, not on the couch, with her in the bedroom with the door locked. She made out with him in her bed so quite naturally he is going to go from making out to wanting sex. OP should have never put herself in that situation which makes me think she must have wanted what happened or she wouldn't be upset that he is no longer interested. Never bring a man into your bed that you aren't prepared to have sex with. Most men don't play that way and women know it. No he's no longer interested, he got what he wanted, doesn't want more and is gone.

[chillii]

Yeah l mean come on, offers to walk him to his car umm, no need for that and it'd be the other way round if any, car or no car.

Read that knew exactly how this was ending.

Hops into bed with him stays up all night getting on with him , ahh, sorry.

[d0nnivain]

Going forward you need to establish better boundaries for your dates:

 

1. Drink less

 

2. End early dates at a decent hour -- before 11 p.m.

 

3. Learn to say no & mean it. You said no he couldn't come over. Then you let him. You said no to sex but kept making out with him. Once he got in your apartment, you needed to make up the couch & then sleep in your own room. (However, letting men off the internet into you house on a first date is some seriously risky behavior).

 

 

If you can follow the above rules you will reduce your chances of getting used for sex.

 

You call the end of your date awful. If you ask him he would say it was successful. He got what he wanted -- sex -- without commitment.

 

Cut your losses. This man has no respect for you. He sees you as a promiscuous person who is easily manipulated.

[Allupinnit]

Just wow to all of this.

 

OP this happened to me once. I actually held the guy off and we ended up going on a second proper date. Which ended up the exact same way. Being pushed for sex. He merely saw the second date as hurdle and this guy would have, too.

 

Just don't let some pushy man-child into your house next time, unless all you want is a hookup. Some of these lessons are harder to learn than others.

 

And I for one am so sick of this "boys will be boys" mentality. I can't count how many times I have made out with a guy, only to play the keep away game while he's continuing to push the boundary and why the hell is it on me to make sure men act right and have to continue to say no? Why isn't one no enough???

[stillafool]

 

And I for one am so sick of this "boys will be boys" mentality. I can't count how many times I have made out with a guy, only to play the keep away game while he's continuing to push the boundary and why the hell is it on me to make sure men act right and have to continue to say no? Why isn't one no enough???

 

It isn't on you to make men "act right". It's your job to set boundaries and stick to them.

[Allupinnit]

I am so happy and lucky to be married to a man who never would have treated me or other women like this. Ugh - one of the pitfalls of dating was dealing with men like this guy.

 

I'm sorry, OP.