CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I just feel like her sex drive would be higher with this other guy. Maybe not. She's 45. My sex drive tanked at age 45. I'm 46 now, almost 47, and my sex drive is at a negative 10! How many years ago did she date this other guy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 She only dated him briefly (about 6 weeks) back in 2017 and then they hung out off and on as a FWB situation up until last November. He didn't want a relationship with her but she wanted one with him but settled for a FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 Do you feel like she "makes love" to you or do you feel like she "has sex" with you? I mean, is she expressing affection during sex or just performing sex? This is THE question! ... OP, you really want to think about this one carefully. Making love transcends passion. But as a friend of mine loves to say, "to transcend" something doesn't mean you skip it or go around it ... it means you move through it and past it. It's ironic: but it seems to me that good love-making requires a certain level of passion ... such that the partners just relax and release into this other realm of intense intimacy and closeness. Here's another question for you: what's kissing her like? I once dated this gorgeous woman who, I learned, wasn't turned on to me ... And one easy sign I discovered (when I thought about this later) was kissing. Kissing this woman was a nothing. Zippo. Kissing her on the cheek upon greeting her, yes that was fine. But mouth kissing, passionate kissing--did not exist for us. Looking back, that was a powerful sign of a disconnect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 A good deal of the time it feels like she's making love to me and says she loves me while we're doing it so I probably should just leave it at that and be happy. Since we've been doing the long distance relationship, she's only mentioned missing me sexually once though. I just feel like her sex drive would be higher with this other guy. How a person has sex varies from guy to guy. And making love sex is different than performance sex. I mean, if it's a casual fling, you kind of have an unspoken contract to perform for each other, but once you fall for someone, you should become less theatrical and more affectionate and sweet and not feel the need to act like a porn star. Neither of the guys I loved are in the short list for best ones in bed. You love who you love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I think you are mentioning two different things and it's confusing: first you are saying you want to make your sex life more kinky, trying new stuff, which is something normal and might very well be something she also wants if you bring it up. Then you say that you "feel" that her sex drive would be higher with that other guy. How do you know that? And even if it's true, how can you make a sex drive with a specific person lower or higher? I mean, you want something to change but you don't know yourself what that is. It's like comparing steak with beans: however what you put in the beans and how you cook them, they will never become steak. I'm not saying this in a negative way. Maybe it's true that her sexual connection with that other guy was bigger than with you, but that's something she has taken into consideration when she agreed to marry you. I'm sorry to say but I find you are a little immature. Obsessing about being the best for every woman, I mean, are we in high school? You have a good woman who loves you, she considers you a good person with good traits, she wants to marry you, and you obsess about being a 7 and not a 10? If sex is THAT important to you, then don't marry this woman. It seems you are not ready to get rid of your high school manners yet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 Lotsgoingon - the kissing part is a good question. She initiates mouth kissing a lot but seems to stop after about 5 seconds and it almost feels like she's stopping because I'm not doing it right or something else. She did mention that guy was a really good kisser and I don't think she'd say that about me. I have to say she's driven this relationship: She was the first to initiate the talk about being serious She was the first to use the "L" word She was the first to use the "L" word during sex She was the first to mention getting married multiple times She was the first about talking about moving in together She was the first to say our relationship felt long term There's so many amazing things that say she's 1000% committed to me. I just feel like she could be more turned on physically. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 There's so many amazing things that say she's 1000% committed to me. I just feel like she could be more turned on physically. Maybe she could be more into you sexually but realizes that relationships are about more than that so it's good enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 CautiouslyOptimistic - you're right, I really need to aspire to appreciating what I have and let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 So try to kiss different. However you're doing it, do it different. Slacken your lips, leaving them loose. If she quits after tongue, skip the tongue sometimes. My problem with a guy was his lips just weren't soft. It was like kissing two fingers held together or something. Some people open their mouths too wide. Vary your kissing, smushy kind of firm kissing with gentler kissing. You can ask her to tell you when you're in a good kissing position even. You can even tell her I'm going to kiss you four ways. Tell me if you like one better and which you like least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 CautiouslyOptimistic - you're right, I really need to aspire to appreciating what I have and let it go. I don't think this works, but if you want to try it, go for it. I think the folks on here who are content with a less-than-thrilling sex life ... didn't have your agony and questioning, and they didn't find their partner texting semi-nude pix to an old bf saying the relationship with you wasn't sexually exciting. I think the others were aware that the sexual energy in their current relationship wasn't all that charged, but my sense is they didn't experience this as something missing. You on the other hand have a clear feeling that something is missing--and you have written evidence that she has noticed that something is missing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 I think the folks on here who are content with a less-than-thrilling sex life ... Nobody has a thrilling sex life day in an out in a decades long marriage. What you realistically get are some memorable moments and occasions, some great sex, some good sex and some workmanlike performances to keep the connection in place. A good deal of the time it feels like she's making love to me and says she loves me while we're doing it We do have great sex Sounds like a pretty solid foundation for a happy life... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 Just to clear this up - when I say she's free spirited, I meant in no way was she promiscuous. In fact she's completely the opposite. I was meaning her choices of careers and has lived a starving artist lifestyle her whole life. I do know for a fact this the first marriage proposal that she's head over heels about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 I'm going to drop off here. I appreciate all your replies and it's been very helpful. We actually had a talk about all this and I think everything is going to be fine. I really need to look at myself and learn to stop obsessing about things that don't matter so much in the big picture. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 What was her point of view? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Well, it sounds like you're closing the discussion, so perhaps I'm late. But this sounds like a red flag to me. People often come to this board, post about some major issue, then a few posts later go into "oh, it's not so bad, I should be thankful for what I have" mode. Well, maybe... but I think you started the thread because it's really bothering you, with good reason. For people who are already married posting about major issues, the solutions aren't so simple. But you're not married yet. At the very least, sounds like you should have a long engagement. Some of the most troubled people posting on this forum are dealing with lackluster sex lives with their husband or wife. I can understand that nobody wants to be the safe, secure arrangement an older person settles into after their wild and crazy days. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 Leigh 87 - thanks for your reply and I feel like you get what I'm saying quite a bit. I know for a fact that I'm a HUGE deal to her and maybe the biggest deal in the long run than any of her other relationships. She's so excited about getting married with me it's almost taken me by surprise. I just wish I turned her on sexually as this other guy and it really hurts that I don't. I wish I could find a way to change this feeling. Are you sure this is rational ? Are you sure she was more sexually attracted to him than you ? My husband has been with better looking women than me. But it was our connection that was so instant and felt like it was "meant to be". Sometimes, we have better connections and hence better chemistry with lesser attractive people, and we lack that sizzle for better looking partners. So it could just be that she had some fun with a better looking guy yet feels a stronger connection with you. Or perhaps she went through a promiscuous phase that wasn't really her true nature. She could have been extra horny at that age - I used to have a way higher sex drive when I was younger! Could be anything. Remember - women aren't all crested equal: even if she DID have better sex with him, she may not be programmed to equate better sex with more feelings. She may be capable of having the strongest and more intense feelings for a man with whom she DIDN'T have the best sex of her life with. Many women are like this. Some women do however, feel the strongest feelings overall based on how hot a guy can get her in bed. It's why many women fall too easily for people; they cannot discern true feelings from great sex. I am somewhat inbetween. I can have 10/10 chemistry without developing feelings. If the guys an idiot and crappy person or if they don't have feelings for me, it's easy to view them as a friend's with benefits. I no longer look back at them with much desire of just, if at all. Your fiance seems to have acknowledged a one sided connection that just didn't work and see it for the fun that it was. Just like I did with at least two people in that category. The grey area is .. if I'm honest, I WOULD likely be more inclined to reminisce and fantasize about those men, if my current husband didn't get me as excited as they did initially. But it would just be for the thrill of sex - my husband taught me that it is indeed, very possible to have the instant 10 attraction WITHOUT the true feelings - it is just with me, I would fantasize about the sex and the thrilling connection IF I hadn't also had it equally with my husband too. In short: at worst ? She may fantasize about the sex. If she truly had a true connection beyond instantly great chemistry--- she wouldn't be able to love you and be excited about marrying you. She is clearly show to separate great sex from true love and a deeper connection. Just like I can and just like many women are able to manage. If she was more like me though and needed that chemistry in ADDITION to the connection-- well, I guess that's a risk every one of us takes. ....... All connections become outdated if our partners ever meet someone new at any time. I guess the only added perk of not having had a better sexual connection prior to meeting your spouse----. Is that it can lead to more security and perhaps slightly less worry. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 To me, this just sounds like a too common male ego problem. Seems like every guy wants to think they're the best. I just don't see women usually having that same problem. Instead, theirs is usually they want the guy to be attracted enough to them that they stop oggling other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 To me, this just sounds like a too common male ego problem. Seems like every guy wants to think they're the best. I just don't see women usually having that same problem. Instead, theirs is usually they want the guy to be attracted enough to them that they stop oggling other women. Well at a certain age I know I let go of needing for the guy to think I was the best ever... I sort of realised that I wouldn't likely be the hottest my future husband had ever been with yet we still had the most compelling connection which was instant- so it isn't always about being the best kisser or the best looking- I know I was neither for my husband. Not that he ever told me but I just know. Neither of us were technically or objectively the best ever but the level of lust and attraction we shared was still just as high as the highest we had experienced with objectively better looking people. So best the best looking and best kisser doesn't necessarily lead to the best sexual chemistry or connections. Average looking people outa take comfort in that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cainsim74 Posted October 18, 2019 Author Share Posted October 18, 2019 Yeah - one thing that I'm realizing about myself is throughout this post is how ****ing hypocritical I am. Would I say sex with her is the best I've ever had and I would at the moment say no it isn't. What makes it amazing though is how much I love this girl and I'm sure we can push some boundaries in the future and it might turn out to be the most amazing sex ever. It's ridiculous that I expect different from her. We actually spoke about it the other day and I didn't bring up that guy specifically but she said she was really happy with our sex life and brought up how hot it was the last time we got together which, I have to completely agree with her on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 Sex isn't the measure of love for a woman. It seems to be for many men. It's not the No. 1 thing why they love a man. You men should all be glad about that, because if it was the No. 1 thing, they'd constantly roaming looking for the best sex, like men are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 The sex is usually very loving and good, just not as kinky and intense as I'd like it to be sometimes. The irony is that you’re here feeling insecure because you feel you’re leaving your girlfriend wanting in the sex department, while at the same time you’re not completely 100% satisfied either and can think of ways it could be better. Perhaps you can find a way to understand that even if she had more sexual chemistry with an ex, you also don’t find sex with her to be the best ever (wanting it to be more intense and kinky), and accept that you don’t have f be each other’s 100% best lover of all time to have a great relationship and fulfilling sex life? Do you think that every married couple out there is conveniently with the person who they were most into sexually? The numbers just wouldn’t add up lol. You can have a fulfilling relationship with great, good, or no sex, if you are in love and neither of you is dissatisfied. You seem a little dissatisfied yourself based on the above quote (which is human!), are you possibly projecting your own dissatisfaction onto her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 ... I'm sure we can push some boundaries in the future and it might turn out to be the most amazing sex ever. Don't bet on it. Seems to be a male idea. He can eventually push the sex to include all his male fantasies. But often women "push heir own boundaries" at the start, due to desire and a need to please. Once settled into the relationship, they start setting their own boundaries, the last thing they usually want is "wilder" sex. He gets annoyed, he assumed she would "get wilder", she often just wants more intimate love making from the man she loves, she shuts down... You are the typical guy on here whose woman had or was perceived to have had wilder sex with other men. He assumes she will sooner or later have "wild" sex with him, but it does't work like that. You need to realise that a 45 yo woman who is now or maybe always was naturally "vanilla" is not going to suddenly turn into a pornstar in bed, just because you feel she should... or because you are somehow owed that from her... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I agree that some of it has to do with age. When I was young, I was very experimental and nutso even, doing things I heard about assuming they would live up to their reputation. They never did, and sex would too easily just become about performing for a guy, and over time, that just becomes a chore and you just want to relax. I was always able to get myself off better than any guy could. So what I wanted from a guy is to know he really liked me as a person and respected and accepted what my life was about, and then making love -- not just performing to get the guy off. Women shouldn't be treated like paid prostitutes. I don't know what makes some guys think sex will get more exciting as the years go on, but I guess it's because they think the woman will be willing to do things she doesn't enjoy because she's married to him? Not if she has an ounce of self-respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Whatever the truth is, just make sure that you are happy with things exactly the way they are, don't expect anything to change. So maybe I missed it, but you said you were in a LDR for over a month, but I didn't see how long you've been together in total. Has the sex always been the same or has it gotten less passionate over time? If it was wilder before, then maybe it's something you can get back to (maybe not). But if it's always been the same, then I think this is what it will be going forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 So maybe I missed it, but you said you were in a LDR for over a month, but I didn't see how long you've been together in total.. She was seeing the "hot" FWB till last November so I guess less than a year. Link to post Share on other sites
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