Amazing relationship but she's not as turned on by me sexually as other guys

[cainsim74]

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I've just proposed to her a week ago and she's beyond excited. She's 45 and has been a free spirit her whole life and has had 3 other guys propose to her and she broke it off with them early on and has never been married. We have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month and she says she's never missed any of her other boyfriends she's had a relationship with except for me and it's a totally different experience for her and she's actually surprised by it. She also is surprised at her reaction to the thought of being married. She's been looking at wedding dresses, planning the wedding almost immediately, planning taking pictures and everything. I was shocked too about her reaction- we both are. She's been so independent her whole life this seems completely out of character for her but it feels amazing that she feels that way about me.

 

My only concern about this relationship is the sex feels very vanilla at times and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me. I think is very common. Many people had ex's that they were sexually more attracted to than the person who they chose to marry. I get this but it tears me apart sometimes and it really hurts. We do have great sex but I feel like she's not turned on as much as she could be and it's an attraction thing. I know she's crazy about me in all other ways but I wish "I did it" for her like this other guy.

 

I don't know how to navigate these feelings without causing stress between us.

Edited October 14, 2019 by cainsim74

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are basing all of this on one text you saw? Do you realize that sometimes women tell men what they want to hear in a text just to get them sexually aroused, whether or not they actually mean it?

 

Base your feelings on your actual connection with her, not on some text you read.

[cainsim74]

I know for a fact the way she was talking to him was real. She was even sending him semi-nudes to get his attention. She told him she didn't want to hang out with him anymore when we started dating because she wanted a real relationship but she even admitted to him she didn't find me as "exciting" in terms of physical chemistry as she had with him. That still really tears me apart. They were just friends with benefits but she wanted more at the beginning and realized he wasn't going to date her or anyone else so she settled for a FWB relationship. This situation is not her norm either so I know the sexual chemistry was really high between them and I'm jealous of that connection because I want that with us too.

Edited October 14, 2019 by cainsim74

[Leigh 87]

Not many people get it all.

 

Focus on being happy and healthy and finding joy together.

 

You get to a certain age where you have enough sexual experiences, and the need for the highest chemistry and most sexually charged encounters tends to fizzle anyway.

 

I digress that I did marry the person I had high sexual chemistry with..but that's only because I knew I would be tempted to cheat or divorce if I went for a guy who I was LESS sexually into than any of my prior sexual encounters.

 

While I made this aspect a high priority due to wanting to avoid possible cheating in the long run - your fiance has obviously not chosen to place great importance in needing the best sexual chemistry. Infact, me going after the just at first site bullcrap isn't necessarily a good thing - the relationship was flawed and frought with difficulties that breaks most couples. I likely would have had an easier time connecting with less sexual chemistry men with whom it was more compatible with.

 

We worked out well in the end but honestly, it was just dumb luck. I rarely see the lust at first site, sexually charged unions lasting long term. Most people prefer to start with maybe a 6 or 7 sexual chemistry, with 9 or 10 compatibility. If tends to always last longer than the former.

 

All I can think for you to say to her, is: make sure she has thought her decision through. Does she truly feel satisfied with slightly more tame sexual chemistry? Hint: even 10/10 sexual chemistry dissipates for most..the thrill of a new person is a unique experience that cannot be sustained anyway. Lifelong monogamy is hard for many, isn't always going to feel natural or optimal, and it'll never be new and thrilling again even when it starts as as a 10.

 

Stellar comptability with above average but not spectacular sexual chemistry is what tends to last the longest. A very very small minority of people end up long term with the people who made them feel the hottest and most horny at the beginning.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This situation is not her norm either so I know the sexual chemistry was really high between them and I'm jealous of that connection because I want that with us too.

 

You will hold this over her forever.

[cainsim74]

I want to get past this and don't get me wrong - we do have good sex but I just feel like I'm a 7 and this guy was a 10. I should be able to push past this because I know I'm a HUGE deal to her and she is beyond excited that she's marrying me and I know her excitement is 100% real.

Edited October 14, 2019 by cainsim74

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a major red flag.

 

Yes, it's common for people to have the memory of an ex with whom they experienced a uniquely raw, animalistic attraction. But that's not a relationship killer as long as the person is strongly and passionately attracted to the current partner.

 

To use some numbers, it's OK if passion for the wild ex was 110 on a scale of 100--as long as the passion for the current partner is a 95. The passion you're reporting is somewhere in the 70s--not close to the 90s. And you felt this before you confirmed it via her messages with her ex. Her failure to praise your love-making skill is also a major indicator of a problem.

 

Your gf no doubt thinks you are a good man, someone with more integrity and so on than those other guys she dumped. Well, that's the admiration part of love. There's also the passion side of love--and that's what seems to be missing here. You want someone who admires you and who is totally hot for you.

 

And brother be warned: many a good partner has been tricked by feeling admired--only to later have their partner dump them for someone with a lot less integrity, for whom they have strong passion.

 

Passion declines over time for the hottest couples, but those couples can at least remember the original passion, still experience moments of it. You guys would not have any memories of that passion.

 

And what will happen over time (if not already) is you'll be the weaker,

more desperate, more lonely, partner. You'll be the one who always initiates sex ... And half the time you initiate you'll be completely ignored. .

 

BTW: none of this means she thinks you're ugly. She probably thinks you're quite good-looking. She simply doesn't FEEL the strong passion to you.

 

This is bad news brother, but it's best to confront this now rather than after you get married. You do not want to get past this. You want to stand right in front of it and stare into it and face it. Otherwise, you're going into the relationship as the inferior partner.

[cainsim74]

Leigh 87 - thanks for your reply and I feel like you get what I'm saying quite a bit. I know for a fact that I'm a HUGE deal to her and maybe the biggest deal in the long run than any of her other relationships. She's so excited about getting married with me it's almost taken me by surprise. I just wish I turned her on sexually as this other guy and it really hurts that I don't. I wish I could find a way to change this feeling.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I want to get past this and don't get me wrong - we do have good sex but I just feel like I'm a 7 and this guy was a 10. I should be able to push past this because I know I'm a HUGE deal to her and she is beyond excited that she's marrying me and I know her excitement is 100% real.

 

But you'll never be able to get over this. (We've seen this issue here many times before....retroactive jealousy).

[cainsim74]

So are you suggesting this can never be worked out? I mean we do have pretty passionate sex and she often says she loves me during and afterwards. I sometimes would like it to be dirtier once and a while and more experimental. I just know that she's felt more passion with this other guy and I'm sure that's completely common. I highly doubt that you'll find many marriages where both couples say their sex was the best sex they've ever had. I don't know - I'm just kind of an ego maniac when it comes to wanting my partners to think I'm the best in bed.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, this will never be worked out.

 

You're defining this as being egomaniac. That's so the opposite of the truth.

 

Imagine your gf saw a text you sent to an ex (with a semi-nude photo) with you saying you wish she were prettier, like you (your ex) is. Yeah, she's kinda bland compared to you. But I like her. Any woman would be devastated. That's not ego. That's basic self-respect.

 

This relationship will kill your confidence. It already is. And I kid you not: she is likely to return to one of those guys she's now telling you is not up to your quality.

 

Her wanting to get married means nothing. Not one thing. So what? Lots of people just love the idea of marriage. Lots of people have deadlines in their heads about marriage. For many people, a marriage proposal is the ultimate sign of appreciation. And you don't marry someone because they are excited about the idea of being proposed to. Come back to earth. That's the worst reason in the world to get married.

 

This problem is not going away, and it would only get worse after marriage. You need to google something along the lines of "not attracted to my husband." You'll see a world of heartache out there and no one has a formula for generating passion that was never there. An ex of mine used to talk about pheromones. This particular part of love is just not something that changes, not much under our willful power.

 

You're also risking an affair ... on your part and hers ... She's not feeling you ... well what happens with that guy at work brushes up against her and she feels that passion? Or she runs into that ex she was hot with?

 

What happens when you finally get tired of initiating sex ... and not feeling her passion ... when that cute woman crosses your path?

 

Tons of conversations on this board ... about how people often meet someone they know is a great person ... but for whom they don't feel that electric chemistry. So many folks hit a point in life where they've been on either side of this mismatch: either they've been the one wishing they could generate the passion for the other (who they think is better than people they had attractoin to in the past) ... or they've been like you ... wanting the other to have more passion for them.

 

No shame in being on either side of this ... the shame is to ignore this as if it's superficial. No, it's fundamental. You're already in pain about it.

 

Thinking this pain you're feeling is ego is liking thinking the blood and pain of a gunshot wound is "ego." Dude, this is objectively devastating.

[Mr. Lucky]

No, this will never be worked out.

 

Disagree.

 

I'd guess my wife did different things with other partners before she met me, probably with great enthusiasm and enjoyment. And yet i know she loves me, and within the framework our sexlife has been largely wonderful and satisfying.

 

cainsim74, sex is just one aspect of your life together. If that part, by your description, is "great", then you have the foundation for a good future together.

 

Don't overthink this, it's an instinctive decision. If the love and consideration for each other is there, the rest will work. Hope you get what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ajequals]

have you talked to her about it ,of course not bring up the text?

[d0nnivain]

You need to fix this before you walk down the aisle. If you are not confident in your ability to rock her world you are going to destroy your marriage. She's probably just fine but you are making yourself nuts.

 

My EX was a rock star in bed. In every other aspect our 10 year relationship was highly dysfunctional. My husband always had a low sex drive & now has ED. Our sex life is non-existent. While I miss regular sex, never mind the curl your toes stuff of my prior relationship, I have so much more love with my husband. Your marriage can work but it depends on your priorities.

 

My advice: talk to your FI about what you read & the insecurities it caused. When she tells you that she loves you so much more, believe her & never think about this again.

[cainsim74]

We've talked about it but I feel like she always dances around the issue by saying how small his dick was and how incredibly fast he came. Still I know there was a very intense physical attraction that she had towards him and doesn't have that towards me. The sex is usually very loving and good, just not as kinky and intense as I'd like it to be sometimes.

[d0nnivain]

The sex is usually very loving and good, just not as kinky and intense as I'd like it to be sometimes.

 

Have you asked for what you want in bed? If she loves you & is willing to marry you, she should trust you enough to try.

[cainsim74]

d0nnivain: I know it's unrealistic to think every married couple says they were more attracted to each other sexually than any other relationship they've been in. Some of the best sex I've had was in the most dysfunctional relationships. Also, she's on the submissive side and I think I need to step it up and be the one to try more things - that could be an issue too. A big part of this is my ego saying I want to be the best she's ever experienced and I know that I'm not. That's not saying I'm bad at pleasing her either. I'm jealous of the passion they had.

[d0nnivain]

I'm jealous of the passion they had.

 

No your are jealous of the passion you think they had. For women, it's all about the brain & the heart not just the body. I wouldn't trade my husband for my EX. I can get an orgasm from a toy. I can't get love, support & understanding from anybody but DH.

 

I get that sex is important to you but think about all the other ways & places you & your FI work. Focus on them.

[Cersei]

My what a tangled web we weave.

Looking at other people's phones is just so wrong. I hope you learned your lesson.

 

In any case perhaps you just suck in bed and need to do some behind the scenes research. Girls in the past may have lead you to believe you were good but maybe you need to learn more about what pleases a woman. Do some reading and definately ask your woman how you as a couple can spice things up a bit.

[elaine567]

I think you may be going down the wrong track here.

You want to wow her with kink and BDSM, when I guess this was not about technique but more about pure animal magnetism.

She was highly attracted to that guy.

It wouldn't have mattered what he did, plain missionary, small dick, came too fast... still a superstar...

You can't beat pure attraction and desire.

But she loves YOU and wants to have sex with and marry you, so do not tarnish that by being jealous of some fwb...

 

She may be somewhat submissive but that does't mean she will enjoy you dominating her.

It may totally turn her off.

If you NEED that kind of stuff, better introduce it now as the idea that some women will "open up" later is a myth.

At 45 she will know her sexual repertoire, what she likes, what she doesn't like... The fact she seems somewhat "vanilla" is probably no coincidence.

If she was naturally "wilder", she would have shown you that by now.

 

Once you go down the path of trying to "top" her exes, it never ends well.

Retroactive jealousy tends to eat you alive. In your eyes you will never be good enough... and you will grow to resent her.

[Mr. Lucky]

A big part of this is my ego saying I want to be the best she's ever experienced and I know that I'm not.

 

As Voltaire said, "the best is the enemy of the good". Do you know how many posters here would love a good sexlife within the framework of an otherwise satisfying relationship?

 

Be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cainsim74]

elaine567 - Sorry I probably phrased that wrong . I wasn't talking kink in terms of dominating or BDSM because I hate that stuff. I was mainly talking about mixing things up and she doesn't seem to be the type that's going to suggest different things. I was talking about wanting her to feel that pure attraction and desire she had for him. Since we've started the long distance relationship 4 weeks ago it's always me that texting her that I miss her sexually and we've only had phone sex 3 times. I feel like if she was with another guy her sex drive would be a lot higher.

[preraph]

Do you feel like she "makes love" to you or do you feel like she "has sex" with you? I mean, is she expressing affection during sex or just performing sex?

[cainsim74]

A good deal of the time it feels like she's making love to me and says she loves me while we're doing it so I probably should just leave it at that and be happy.

 

Since we've been doing the long distance relationship, she's only mentioned missing me sexually once though. I just feel like her sex drive would be higher with this other guy.

[elaine567]

elaine567 I was mainly talking about mixing things up and she doesn't seem to be the type that's going to suggest different things.

 

Mixing things up into what?

I guess and I could be wrong that at 45 and having been "a free spirit", if she is not bringing them up, she probably doesn't want to do them...