Can I save it?

[Devildog]

I'm sure your changes are spooking her a bit. That is actually a good indication of an affair, when someone starts trying to get in better shape, starts buying new clothes and underwear. You have no need to lie to any of us here if you are having an affair. You don't know any of us.

 

If you are honestly not having an affair, then keep reading. Your wife has some mental problems. You know this. Medication will not be enough to cure it. It might help control the symptoms as long as she takes the medication, but she also needs to see a therapist.

 

I know it sucks to be accused of something you didn't do. But that is part of the sickness she suffers from. The only thing you can do is everything you can to help put her fears to rest. Not answering your cell phone when she called isn't going to help with that.

 

If you really love your wife and want to try to fix your marriage, then do whatever you can to put her fears to rest. I warn you, you will have to do alot for that. You will have to be prepared to let her snoop through your phone, your email.

 

And push the marriage counselling. It can help and if you have a half-way competent counsellor they will be able to recognize your wife's other problems and may be able to help in that area. You might want to see about individual counselling for both of you as well. She might be more willing to talk about some of the problems if you are not there.

[bkz]

Devildog, thank you so much for replying!

I am not having an affair and never would its absolutley against everything I stand for as a christian a husband and a father. I only have eyes for my wife and love her more than anything but God, im a hopeless sap and cant emagine life without her at this point. Ive been reading "The Devorce Remedy" by Michelle Davis and I guess im sorta using the "Last-Resort Technique" and mabye I shouldnt be. This type of behaviour is out of charicter for my wife and I may be doing a bit too much of my own thing and cuasing her to become even more insecure. I just really feel becuase of her reactions it tells me she still loves me, other wise why would she be acting this way? Im going to stay home and spend as much time with her as possible for the time being and see if I cant get her to stop being suspisous and put her mind at ease. I definatly didnt intend to cause her to act like this but thought if she see's me having fun and doing things on my own it would be a good reality check for her in a way. But if its gonna cause problems its definately not going to continue.

[Devildog]

If it was a case that she was just acting like a bitch and treating you bad, not appreciating you, then I could see giving her a taste of what her life might be like if things ended. But it sounds to me like she is just insecure and really has some mental issues going on. I don't think being cold is the right route to take here.

[Mz. Pixie]

It seems her interest in working it out spikes when she thinks you're involved with this person. That could work out for your benefit, even though you're not involved with her.

 

I had to cringe at what you said she said about how it would just be easier to stay with you= you have a good job, good benefits, good looking etc. That is not a reason to stay with a spouse. What you're after is a loving relationship with your spouse. Keep pushing counseling.

[bkz]

It seems her interest in working it out spikes when she thinks you're involved with this person. That could work out for your benefit, even though you're not involved with her.

 

I had to cringe at what you said she said about how it would just be easier to stay with you= you have a good job, good benefits, good looking etc. That is not a reason to stay with a spouse. What you're after is a loving relationship with your spouse. Keep pushing counseling.

 

Mz. Pixie, I have no intentions on staying with my wife because she feels it would be easier and have told her this in counceling. You are obviously right that a loving relationship is the only way for us and our kids sake. Even after our conversation saturday when I told her I hadnt had an affair EVER!!! she is still checkin up on me and asking ?'s. Last night when she got home from the cabin (I was at her moms house) she hit redial on our home phone and hung up on my freind Dave, the last person id called. He called back and she let the machine get it then called me and said she accedentley hit redial and he called back, what the!!! This morning I had my shirt off and she mentoined I looked good but asked if id been eating and said mabye I may be loosing too much wight, witch im not, I look very healthy at this point and am in the best shape ive been in since we got married and it feels great! Then proceeded to ask if there was a girl at work I was trying to impress, of course I said no and im only trying to impress myself and you by taking care of me, plus its good for our kids to see us both take care of ourselves it sets a good example for them. She has become SOOOOO VERY suspisous of me and I would dought very seriously shed want to be affectionate with someone she thinks is cheating on her? So this may not be good? She did get undressed in front of me again last night and actually stayed that way for awhile even after she got out of the shower and asked me to bring her nighty to her, mabye she was testing me? I dunno, I just want her to know how much I love her and am attracted to her but am affraid to tell her.

[Mz. Pixie]

Could she be seeing if you're interested in her sexually still?? Many times if a man is not it's a sign of an affair. Also partners accuse their spouses sometimes when they are the ones guilty of having an affair. Have you thought about those two things?

[bkz]

I asked my wife if on Saturday when we talked if shes had an affair and she says she has not. Im pretty sure at this point she knows im interested in her sexually? Mabye im wrong? I talked to her a couple of times today on the phone and decided in our last conversation to share some of my feelings with her.

 

I said I dont know if this is something I should say or not and I know im always telling you how buitiful you are, but I also wanted you to know I still find you very attractive and last night when you were standing there undressed I was looking at how buitifull you looked but didnt want to make you feel uncomfortable by staring. I asked her if me saying these things made her uncomfortable and she said no it didnt and seems touched by it. I want so bad to be intamant with my wife as we havent since July, and am affraid if I try something it could cause an uncomfortable situation or put added presure on her if she doesnt want to. She knows how much id like to be intamant so I feel its best to let her make the move if it happens. Intamacey with her is my guage, if that happens i'll know we are heading in a good dirrection towards working our marraige out.

[bkz]

Last night was very interesting. She went to councelling by herself cause one of the kids was sick and I offered to stay home with him. She (SURPRISE) got there too late and missed her appointment!! She was very upset when I talked to her on the phone and mentioned she had a couple of issues she REALY wanted to talk to Dr about, oh well. She went to her moms and called from there to tell me she had a great talk with her and she seemed very happy. She also said everyone (her mom, sister, brother) were saying how much they liked the new me and how I had such a possitive energy about me now, she also said she was very happy with the new me as well.

 

Ok heres the more interesting part. We have a book on sexual postions and pointer ect.... Well ive been reading a bit and noticed last night it wasnt in the same place. We also have a back we keep a couple of movies, toys ect.... in as well and thats were I found the book. Ive been checking the movies and her vibrator (she keeps under her side of the bed) and they havent been used (im sure of this) in at least a couple months. Now remember we havent been intamint since July and shes said in councelling and to me that sex is the last thing on her mind. Well she definatley used the vibrator and a toy from the bag and watch about 5 minutes of one of the movies. I asked her on the phone last night were the book went, she asked why and I said becuase thats one of the books ive been reading latley and she actually seemed interested that I was reading it. She told me it was in the bag and I said oh you watching a movie today and playing? She said no im not at that point yet where im ready for that. OK. This morning I was a little botherd by her not being honest and I guess it showed, she ask if something was wrong. I said well I know you used you toy and watch a movie yesterday and I think that great but you can be honest with me. She said it never seemed to bother me the last year when I was sitting on the couch and she was in the room by herself! I said yeah and im sorry for that, I neglected to meet you need and its something I regret very much but it wont happen anymore. I asked her if id put pressure on her to have sex with me and she said no youve been very paciant, thank you. I went to give her a hug and she was very receptive and kissed me on the cheek. Same thing before I left for work. Should I continue to show her effection by hugging and rubbing her back and such? She also mention my changes are a little overwhelming for her as I did such a 180 in such a short time. I told her shed get used to them as this is not a temprory thing. Boy I wish we could be intemant, I realy think it would help make us feel closer. We have been laughing alot together and spending some good quallity time in bed at night talking and listening to music.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, I went through something similar, except my exhusband was jealous of my vibrator! He would be out of town all the time and if I had the urge he simply wasn't there. When he was I was so emotionally distant from him I didn't want him but it didn't keep me from having urges. He would check the placement of any books or sex toys and go into a rage if he thought I'd used them.

 

I think that unless she's asked you about masturbation in the past (yours) then I wouldn't mention it to her again. It's likely embarrassing to her.

 

I think you should continue to be affectionate to her. It wouldn't hurt to engage her in some heavy petting. One thing that many women miss in a long term relationship is kissing for hours and such. Maybe you could try that. Whatever you do, don't let it lead to intercourse unless she initates it. Next time she kisses you or you kiss her let it linger a bit. Give her a french kiss instead of a peck. Let it take you where it leads you.

[bkz]

Thanks for the advice!

Ive allways been ok with "other" stuff in our sex life and have no problem with them being used durring sex, so long as it make her feel good im ok with it. I did kinda regret saying anything. Im real hesitant to kiss her or be too affectionate at this point cause I dont know how she'll react or if i'll be puting pressure on her? If you think its a good idea i'll definatley try it, god knows ive wanted to but just havent had the nerves!

 

Oh also you mentioned unless shes mentioned about you masterbating in the past? She has. She'll inquire at times about it and just yesterday morning I used the kids bathroom (not to masterbate) instead of ours so I wouldnt wake her up and she knocked on the door and ask if I was ok in a sorta suspisious voice. This is what she's done in the past when she thought I was up to something in there. I did tell here this morning im there for her if she wants me and when shes ready if she is.

[bkz]

Ok everyone BIG news!!!

I was having a hard day today so I made an appointment with my councelor for 1:00. On the way for some reason I felt the need to stop by my inlaws house and say hi. My mother inlaw said she and my wife had the best talk last night and smiled and got a little choked up, i thought mabye it was just the Vicaten!! Anyways, I was in the kitch with my father inlaw and mentioned I was on my way to counceling and was having a tough day cause I had no idea were my wife was coming from lately. He said, you want to know were? Yeah I do. Well she told us last night that she youve become the man of her dreams and the best father she couldve hoped for and she has a few issues of her own to make things right but wants to stay married and work thing out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im just about in tears righting this. All my pacience and hard work to save my family looks like its gonna pay off. I know we have a long ways to go but when two people want to make a marriage work that the biggest step, am I wrong? Plus shes addmitting she has a few things to deal with and is also trying to make things right with her mother. Im just beside myself right now. I even had to call my father inlaw back a couple hours later to make sure I wasnt hearing things when we talked!!!

 

Patiance, patiance, patiance is all I can say!! As hard as its been I think me totally backing off of her and just concentrating on improving myself and let her know I dont have to rely on her for happiness (even when it was destoying me inside) just took all the pressure off and allowed her to deal with things on her own in her own way. Like I said I know were not out of the wood by any means, but we're definately I was aiming for and thats to try and make our marriage work. Thats really all you can hope for after someone drops the "im not in love with you anymore" or "I havent been happy for soo long and want out" BOMB. Thanks so much for all the imput and advise and I will update as things happen. Hopefully we are heading in the right direction!

[tms510]

It definitely sounds like it's going in the right direction. I'm happy for you man, keep up the good work.

 

"Patiance, patiance, patiance is all I can say!! " <-- something I'm working on now with my situtation and good advise it is. =)

 

I wish you the best of luck and I'm glad things are looking up for you.

 

- God Bless.

[lilmoma1973]

Hang in there and continue the affection you are showing her before long you two will in the bedroom!! I am so glad you are making the effort because it takes two to make or break a marriage!! So glad she is feeling different towards you ..Continue giving her the intimacy outside the bedroom and it will be back in the bedroom .. I feel that itimacy not only is in the bedroom but it is also outside .. Women need that emotional connection in order to go in the bedroom and alot of them ward off sex cause they aren't getting what they need emotional remember to always be considerate of her feelings .. Being a mom with kids is a job in itself... Help her around the house or with the kids .. I promise you will be reward ..If my h would do more to help me out at night with things he would get sex more often!!! LOL Good luck

[Mz. Pixie]

At last a happy ending! That is WONDERFUL.

 

I think you should try and kiss her and see what happens. If she seems hesitant then of course pull away but if not go for it.

 

Here is the most important part- keep up what you're doing. Don't get her back and change after a couple of months to go back to what you were!

 

Good luck and God Bless!

[bkz]

Thank you all so much for the incouragement! Like I said she told my inlaws she is happy with who I am but has a few issues of her own to work on in order to be who she wants to be for me and the kids, I really like the fact that she seems to be taking responsability for some of this. She actually told me a couple of days ago she was depressed (somthing she wouldve NEVER said in the past), that should of been a good sign but with all the analizing and crap I was doing durring this whole thing I was missing some of the real important stuff!! She said the other morning she was sorta overwhelmed by how much ive changed, I told her shed get used to it this is just how im going to stay and will continue to grow over time. I tell you all if things work out i'll never take my wife for granted again!!!! She really has made me look at myself and through all this pain im becoming the best man, husband and father that I can be. Thanks again for all the support and I WILL keep you all posted.

[bkz]

It definitely sounds like it's going in the right direction. I'm happy for you man, keep up the good work.

 

"Patiance, patiance, patiance is all I can say!! " <-- something I'm working on now with my situtation and good advise it is. =)

 

I wish you the best of luck and I'm glad things are looking up for you.

 

- God Bless.

 

Ive been fallowing your thread. Getting a that job sure is a big step in the right directoin and it must feel real good for you! I will keep you in my prayers, good luck.

[bkz]

Well just an update.

Things have been going ok. We've talked a bit about selling our house, splitting the property and building a smaller/cheeper place to live in on an acre in the back. She still hasnt come out and told me of her intentions to work on our marriage but has said things like, "when I thought things werent gonna work out with us I was gonna do ect....." So im pretty sure we are just sorta moving along slowly. Still not much effection but she did give me a small kiss on the lips before she left this morning and I was laying down and didnt initiate it, so thats probley good. We have councelling tonight but since she missed going by herself last weekend and said she had a few issues of her own to deal with I recomended she goes on her own tonight. At first she said to me to go but now she seems ok going by herself and told me she does have a few thing about herself and her mom shed like to work on but I could be there if I wanted. So im still a little unsure were things are going but im giving her alot of space, being supportive and being patiant!!! I'll update again soon. If anyone wants to chime in with some imput. then please do.

Just thinking outloud here but as I stated before. My father inlaw told me my wife told them about her being happy with me and my changes but having a few issues to deal with of her own to deal with so she could be there for me and the kids and wanting to stay married. Well like I said she hasnt said anything to me exept her having a few issues with herself to deal with, mabye im suppose to know by the other things she says that she wants to work on the marriage? Just not sure what to think or if she'll actually come out and say it or if things are gonna just continue on and improve?

[bkz]

Another update for anyone interested.

Things are going good and theres still been no talk about the relationship. She was invited to go out with me and some friends of ours (the ones I stayed with while we were sepperated) a few weeks ago but said she didnt know were her and I were at and since these friends had been there for me durring this time she didnt want to get back involved with them incase things didnt work out with us. Well this weekend was there youngest daughters b-day party at there house and my wife came to it with me and the kids and had a great time, im thinking thats pretty good! She's also been kissing me (small kisses) hello and goodbye without me initiating it and just generally seems to be enjoying my company and our lives at this point. Still no intamacy but im being patiant, im also concidering asking her how she feels about sex at this point but im just not sure what to say or if I should just let it play out for a little while longer? Every other aspect of our relationship seems pretty good except for that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Glad to see that things are still moving in a postive direction.

[bkz]

Well some interesting stuff.

Last night we had a discussion about sex and it turned into a discussion about the R as well. She said she was having a hard time oppening herself up to me totally and thats why no sex. Then we talked about some things that were said by me and her family (mom and aunts) a few months ago when she started talking about a D that really hurt her and that shes not sure how she'll ever get over them, its very tipical of W to hold on to things (espessially negative stuff) for as long as possible. Well the talk went well and we ended up laying in bed drinking with some wine and candy and talking some more about her job and such. I woke up this morning early (5:30) and went out on the couch to watch the news. She came out in her undies and had that "look" on her face, the one I havent seen in a looooooong time. She told me we needed to go into the room, we finally ML! Its been since July so im not sure it was the greatest but this is obviously a big breakthrough for us. Now im not sure how to treat things from here? I mean I wonder if its ok now for me to start anitiating ML or should I still leave it up to her? Anyone out there thats been through this or could offer some advice for me please do. I set my final goal along time ago that once we ML id know she was back in the marriage for the most part and id be feeling like we were really on the way to making things work. Wierd that im not more excited this morning, seems im allways so reserved when good things happen with us but I should be estatic at this point. Dont get me wrong I feel great about things I just thought id be more enthused, guess I just need to let it sink in as the last few weeks soooooo much has happend.

[Devildog]

Whatever you do, don't think things are all fixed and a-okay. It is a start, not the finish line where you can relax and think it is all over.

 

But it is a huge step in the right direction.

 

My advice is to pay attention to her. You can try to initiate things. But be smart about it. Don't be selfish. Try being overall more affectionate. Go slow, a little at a time. When you start to notice the slightest bit of hesitation, do not push it. Recognize that as her boundary for now and do not cross it. Let her get back to feeling comfortable with the intimate aspects of the relationship. It might be a few weeks before it happens again. But be patient. Don't get frustrated and irritated if it doesn't happen again right away.

 

You still have work to do. It is important that you keep that in mind. One inconsiderate, selfish act at this point can destroy everything you have been working to rebuild up to this point.

[bkz]

Devildog,

Thanks for the advice. I agree that things arent at the point were I can feel comfortable yet, witch is why im still going to be asking alot of ?'s here and needing as much advice as possible. Im real encouraged by the way things are going, espessially re-reading my thread this morning and realizing how far things have come in the last few weeks. Im going to continure to be carefull and thoughtfull of her feelings and just take it slow like ive been doing, and i'll definatley do as you suggested and just be smart about the way I handle her. I know it would be too easy for me to just jump right in and test the waters but probley not the best way to do things at this point, we've come way to far to be impatiant now . Thanks again.

[Mz. Pixie]

The Devil D is giving you good advice but I can't say enough- if she begins to be hesitant, pull back, and then do not give her attitude about it. The worst thing you can do is act petulant in this situation.

 

By the way, YAY on getting some!

[bkz]

I think she may have started to pull away a little last night? Last night she had councelling on her own and told me and her mom things went well. She spent some time earlyer in the day with her mom and her mom told me my W said to her she has every intention to stay married to me and try and work things out, my mother inlaw was very happy and told me to just keep improving myself as its really making a big differance with everyone and all are real happy with the knew me. Well after councelling W and I had a talk on the couch and she said how emotional her councelling was and the DR. seemed real concered about why my W seems to want to please and make everyone happy all the time. My W mentiong that BEFORE councelling she really thought she could be happy in our marriage and wanted to keep going, but also she's affraid I go back to my own ways. She also said she feels like no one ever listens to her and even when she wanted a seperation to start dating me again and recindle our marriage everyone just continued on like nothing was wrong. VERY CONFUSING STUFF!!! And what the heck did she mean by BEFORE councelling last night? She also talked about alot of bad things from her childhood with the counceller and me last night, including how her step dad used to stand in her room and watch her sleep. Well last night I got up for a drink of water and triped over her shoe in the middle of the room, she woke up and asked what I was doing? I said getting a drink. She then started acting very strange and accused me of sneaking around and standing there just watching her!!! I assured her she must of had a bad dream but she started having a very bad panic/anxiety attack and ended up sleeping on the couch. She left for work at 5:30 this morning (we planned that last night) and I took the kids to school for her. Before she left she said she was pretty sure she needs to quit talking about her child hood in councelling and we should go togeather or me by myself if id like, but shes done all she needs to do on her own stuff. I was lying in bed and she came and gave me a kiss on the lips and said have a good day before she left. She also called me on my way to work a couple hours later to let me know she was getting alot done at work and thanks for taking care of the kids this morning, she sounded real good. Im very confused about whats going on with her right now. My parents are coming this weekend witch shes nervouse about and we have a wedding this weekend her, I and the kids are all in plus shes been extreamely stessed with work the last week or so and ive even had to help her with her work stuff at home. Mabye she just real stressed out? Or thing are going a little too quickly with us? She didnt mention the ML last night but thats probley not important. Also when we talked on the couch she was emotional and had a couple glasses of wine and a sleeping pill (she takes Ambium to sleep). What do you all think? Im really needing some input right now PLEASE!!!!!

[lilmoma1973]

lilmoma, thank you so much for the advice and the prayers they mean so much to me and my family.

 

Your Welcome anytime!!! Sorry haven't posted till now haven't read this post lately !! Good Luck: